Poly + LDR = our crazy whirlwind

[serijules]

Man, some of you would REALLY have issues with my relationship and the dynamics of it.

Anyhow...

One thing i wanted to bring up. It is not necessary for everyone to be 100% happy all the time. If you haven't figured this out yet, you may have been in many failed relationships already and may want to think this over.

Sometimes people are *gasp* willing to give up things they want for another person. It may not be ideally, exactly what they want, but they are willing to give it up for the sake of something else. It's called compromise. Many people live long happy healthy relationships based on a little compromise.

I want kids, I do. I want to be Ma'ams owned, live in slave. I don't want to be Ma'ams slave and be a mother at the same time. I chose to give up the idea of having children for the sake of moving to PA and being a slave.

Guess what? A lot of thought went into it. Some sadness and pain resulted from the decision. So did much happiness and joy. Both are things I want. One is better suited for me. I made my choice based on that. I may regret my choice someday...and if that someday comes, I'll deal with it then and I'm sure I'll be just fine. Life is full of opportunities for regret. I'll soon regret posting this.

I'll live.

When I tell people this, I get the OMGWTF YOU WILL BE SO UNHAPPY AND RESENT HER BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET TO BE A MOMMY!!!

And...what about when I'm the mom of 3 kids and I'm extremely unhappy because I'm not living the other life I wanted? Somehow people always seem to forget about the other side of the coin.

When someone shares a decision here....you don't know all the details. You never will, thus any advice or reaction you have (general you...) is likely to be uninformed and perhaps very off base. Not to say advice should never be given....but judgements and assumptions should be handed out with extreme care. You are uninformed. Keep that in mind.

Oh and one last thought while I'm in this probably regretful, rather bitchy mood....some are so quick to point out that kids are bright, they are smart, they pick up on things, etc.

Ever consider that perhaps they also see the happiness, the benefits, the peace in their parents that results in being in relationships that work for them, even if those relationships are not "normal" by societies means? Ma'ams kids see a lot more than most people would agree with and support...and they are extremely insightful, open kids who sees their mother very happy and that makes THEM happy. They saw how unhappy and miserable she was all those years with their father, trapped in a relationship that was "normal" but killed her spirit.

Yes, they ARE insightful, they DO see things, it DOES affect them....and if done right, it will affect them for the positive.

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

 

[Homburg]

Man, some of you would REALLY have issues with my relationship and the dynamics of it.

Anyhow...

*snip*

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

Thank you for posting this. Thank you much, Seri.

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you for posting this. Thank you much, Seri.

She certainly does have a way of cutting through the bullshit, doesn't she? I admire that in a person.

 

[rida]

.....
It's a totally seperate kink, and some folks possess that same judgemental ubernilla mentality about kinks that are not their own. It's just like the submissive that freaks out when she finds out her husband is into private cross-dressing.
.....

To me poly is not a kink. It is not mainstream but, honestly, to me kink has to do with sex or things that turns you on sexually, while poly has to do with relationships and emotional wiring. Same as being homosexual or transsexual or any other aspect of your core being you are born with.

I'm possibly going to be meeting her dad soon. Scares the hell out of me. I have two daughters, and I find that I am putting myself into his shoes, imagining how I would feel if one of mine does this 10-15 years from now. I gotta admit that I'm not looking too kindly upon myself when I use that lens.

That said, she's happy. Honestly happy. He notices that, and has said that he wants to meet the guy that has made his little girl so happy. I'm holding tight to that, because I'm more nervous about meeting her dad than I was about asking viv's dad for his okay to marry his daughter. And that was frikken scary. Then again, when I did that I'd known viv's dad for a while, and I was considerably younger and thus more headstrong. *shrug* I'm older now, and have the perspective that only becoming a parent can bring, and that perspective has me questioning a lot of what I'm doing because I'm looking at this as a father with two daughters of his own. In the end, just like my attitude towards my own kids, I'm hoping that he will just want her to be happy and safe, and I can probably pass those quals.
....

If it were me (and it's not, of course), I'd want to meet viv. I'd want to know what you two have considered with respect to your entire family. But maybe he's not concerned about that. Her mother might be though.

It is interesting that the father wants to meet you Homburg-sama, and you, as a father yourself want to meet his father, while itw, as a mother, and as a woman, would want to meet with viv. Personally, I am with itw and would want to meet with the other woman in my daughter's relationship. Not to be the scary MIL rolleyes but it would give me greater insight, expecially if I was worried, as in MIS's mom's case that my daughter was being a home-wrecker (personally would never ever accuse my daughter of being that as I do not believe you can wreck something that is not already broken ... but that is another totally different subject).

On the other hand, as MIS parents are still wrapping their head around the whole situation, it makes sense that they wish first to make sure that you, Homburg-sama, are not a lunatic. Their daughter MIS happiness is already speaking well for you, and I'm sure you will be accepted. With suspicion at first, but accepted. I'm sure you know all of this already, just don't be to eager to get along. And a very good point that Catalina made is: be respectful and mindful of their discomfort.

I just asked my 13 yo daughter what she thought of poly. She has been introduced to a poly family who are friends of my sister. Now my daughter is not a typical young teen but---she said she thought it would be really cool. As long as no one was having an affair or sneaking around behind the others back. She said she loves family and the more family members the better.
.....

I really hope to be able to have such a open relationship with my own daughters in a not too distant future.

And the bolded part is really key: if both partners are on the same page, if there is honesty and communication, how can it be wrong? and as for the "more family member the better", we should remember that the nuclear family is a recent society advent: family used to be composed with a lot of extended members.

I think that such a situation, with many adult present was actually beneficial for most children. There are things that they might not have felt like talking to their blood-parents, but yet they would have felt comfortable talking with a trusting adult.

 

[rida]

....

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

May I add my standing ovation for the above post?

 

[myinnerslut]

i have said it a million times.

i love you seri, you are incredible.

thanks for adding your two cents

 

[Caitlynne]

Man, some of you would REALLY have issues with my relationship and the dynamics of it.

Anyhow... snipped for space, not for content, which was brilliant]

**stands and applauds**

Brava!!!! BRAVA!!!!!

 

[kinky_meh]

And you don't see your attitude and replies as being hurtful?

Sorry, that doesn't match up for me.

serijules, i didnt mean to sound hurtful, i just REALLY DONT GET IT probably. I dont. I apologize, i am outta your thread Homburg. Sometimes, the words we speak are not the words we want to say. I am really good in it, i am sorry. :S

*all quiet now*

 

[sanjuaneros]

I think you hit the nail on the head with this whole post.

Poly is not for every one.

Man, some of you would REALLY have issues with my relationship and the dynamics of it.

Yes, they ARE insightful, they DO see things, it DOES affect them....and if done right, it will affect them for the positive.

It's not what you do, it's how you do it."snipped because of length."

 

[serijules]

serijules, i didnt mean to sound hurtful, i just REALLY DONT GET IT probably. I dont. I apologize, i am outta your thread Homburg. Sometimes, the words we speak are not the words we want to say. I am really good in it, i am sorry. :S

*all quiet now*

You don't have to GET it to RESPECT it. That's all I'm saying.

 

[Homburg]

To me poly is not a kink. It is not mainstream but, honestly, to me kink has to do with sex or things that turns you on sexually, while poly has to do with relationships and emotional wiring. Same as being homosexual or transsexual or any other aspect of your core being you are born with.

*shrug* I call it a kink because it's sexual/relationship conduct that's not mainstream. Just slang, not belittling it. That said, BDSM is the same way. I've dealt with too many people that were honestly born with it.

It is interesting that the father wants to meet you Homburg-sama, and you, as a father yourself want to meet his father, while itw, as a mother, and as a woman, would want to meet with viv. Personally, I am with itw and would want to meet with the other woman in my daughter's relationship. Not to be the scary MIL rolleyes but it would give me greater insight, expecially if I was worried, as in MIS's mom's case that my daughter was being a home-wrecker (personally would never ever accuse my daughter of being that as I do not believe you can wreck something that is not already broken ... but that is another totally different subject).

On the other hand, as MIS parents are still wrapping their head around the whole situation, it makes sense that they wish first to make sure that you, Homburg-sama, are not a lunatic. Their daughter MIS happiness is already speaking well for you, and I'm sure you will be accepted. With suspicion at first, but accepted. I'm sure you know all of this already, just don't be to eager to get along. And a very good point that Catalina made is: be respectful and mindful of their discomfort.

Well, her mother has recently said that she wants to meet me, and viv at some point as well. This is a good thing. Scary, sure, but a good thing. Not sure how to make it happen, but I will work on it.

I really hope to be able to have such a open relationship with my own daughters in a not too distant future.

And the bolded part is really key: if both partners are on the same page, if there is honesty and communication, how can it be wrong? and as for the "more family member the better", we should remember that the nuclear family is a recent society advent: family used to be composed with a lot of extended members.

I think that such a situation, with many adult present was actually beneficial for most children. There are things that they might not have felt like talking to their blood-parents, but yet they would have felt comfortable talking with a trusting adult.

This is a very good point. Seriously good.

 

[BiBunny]

I also want to point out that if someone's doing this just because Master or Mistress says so, then it's doomed to fail. But if it's something you want with every fiber of your being and are willing to work hard and compromise, then you can make it work. Some of us truly do love the idea of several people working toward a common goal. It really can be that simple.

 

[Millificent]

Thank you serijules. As always, an insightful post

 

[Homburg]

I also want to point out that if someone's doing this just because Master or Mistress says so, then it's doomed to fail. But if it's something you want with every fiber of your being and are willing to work hard and compromise, then you can make it work. Some of us truly do love the idea of several people working toward a common goal. It really can be that simple.

This is so odd for me too. I'm am NOT a team player. Never have been. I hated team sports, am no good at team-building exercises, and hate being part of a team for an employer.

 

[serijules]

I also want to point out that if someone's doing this just because Master or Mistress says so, then it's doomed to fail. But if it's something you want with every fiber of your being and are willing to work hard and compromise, then you can make it work. Some of us truly do love the idea of several people working toward a common goal. It really can be that simple.

Exactly. Am I poly by nature? No. However, Ma'am is and was involved in other relationships when I met her. I made the choice to accept some flaws in the detail for the sake of appreciating the big picture. I've never regretted that and cripes yes, it's hard, but not being in a relationship with someone I'm otherwise compatible with in so many ways would be really hard too.

Some people NEED to have their cake and eat it too. Me...I'm more the type to be happy with licking all the frosting off and leaving the cake for someone else to enjoy.

KINKY!

 

[BiBunny]

This is so odd for me too. I'm am NOT a team player. Never have been. I hated team sports, am no good at team-building exercises, and hate being part of a team for an employer.

Same here. I'm a loner by nature, which makes it weird.

Exactly. Am I poly by nature? No. However, Ma'am is and was involved in other relationships when I met her. I made the choice to accept some flaws in the detail for the sake of appreciating the big picture. I've never regretted that and cripes yes, it's hard, but not being in a relationship with someone I'm otherwise compatible with in so many ways would be really hard too.

Some people NEED to have their cake and eat it too. Me...I'm more the type to be happy with licking all the frosting off and leaving the cake for someone else to enjoy.

KINKY!

PERVERT!

 

[Keeper_of_Fi]

To get back to your post, MIS, about your parents...

What do you think this is really about with them? If I were MIS's mother, I would certainly have and state my concerns. I'd be upset, sure. But I don't think I'd call you a homewrecker. I mean, I find it very bizarre that they grudgingly accepted the age issue and issue of children and then say, wait, you'll be the other woman! My immediate reaction is, is this about them or you? It may be that they have a certain dream for you - even the best parents aren't impervious to projecting a little onto their kids. Maybe they want you to get married and have kids, in a traditional way. And so they're disappointed.

It's hard to give advice without knowing more about your parents, but I think I would say that viv is an adult, and she and h made the decision together. And that you really appreciate their concern, but you are going into this consciously, and fully aware of the choice you're making.

I would like to say that I share the disbelief that MIS's mother would call her a homewrecker, but I do believe it, much as I am CERTAIN my mother would not understand if she ever discovered my relationship with Fi and her being married to Malin.

It simply would not matter if I was happy or not because to her it would still not be "right". I give the example of something that happened when I was younger. I was seeing someone who was quite a bit older than myself, (I was over 18), and she did her best to try and press me into therapy.

I think it is an unfortunate fact, at least in my life, that there will be people who do not care if I am happy, I am doing something they believe is wrong. And that is all that matters to them.

 

[myinnerslut]

to clear up the hpmewrecker confusion, she called me that when she first found out and hasnt said it since. while it did hurt me deeply, i believe she was just upset at the time and did not truly mean it. id like to think that anyway.

 

[Homburg]

I would like to say that I share the disbelief that MIS's mother would call her a homewrecker, but I do believe it, much as I am CERTAIN my mother would not understand if she ever discovered my relationship with Fi and her being married to Malin.

It simply would not matter if I was happy or not because to her it would still not be "right". I give the example of something that happened when I was younger. I was seeing someone who was quite a bit older than myself, (I was over 18), and she did her best to try and press me into therapy.

I think it is an unfortunate fact, at least in my life, that there will be people who do not care if I am happy, I am doing something they believe is wrong. And that is all that matters to them.

My folks don't know. They may know at some point, but will not know. I'm sure they will suspect. *shrug* None of their business. My dad will stick his nose in at some point and get asked "Do you really want to know?" My dad knows me well enough to know that I'll answer the question. They know that we've been poly before. I don't give a toss what my mother thinks, as I've no relationship with her.

viv's parents are clueless, and will probably remain clueless. They are much less involved in our lives than my parents. viv has thought about telling her mom. It will be her choice.

 

[EmpressFi]

Wow.. so much to process. I couldnt even multi-quote. (sorry bunny )

First... you guys are gonna give me a big head but that's ok.. keep goin

MIS, I envy you a bit. I mean, I'm so sorry your mom called you a home wrecker. It may just be conditioning of thought. I mean, most of our culture sees "The other woman" as a home wrecker. Not many people call "The other woman" or think of her as the other love of his life or that you'd be accepted as part of the family. It might be that she gave you a gut reaction until her mind can wrap around the concept.

I know Malin's family would freak out if they knew. And I've said to Homburg, my brother would try to exorcise my demons.

I've said before.. dont remember where, maybe here, I never even really knew what poly was until a few years ago. But even back when I was younger, I was always wondering why I couldnt ever be satisfied with one person? I was always finding myself attracted to more than one at a time. My feelings for the one didnt diminish... until they found out. But I really thought I was doomed to be one of those people who cheated on lover after lover after lover...

Not that I use Poly as an excuse. I just mean, I think that the reason the adjustment from monogamy to polyamorous went so smoothlessly (relatively speaking). I think I was born to be like this. That being said. I am content with my two husbands (that's what I call them.. ) I dont want to go out and bring another man into our family. I love our little family. We dont have to worry about the children aspect right now, as I cant have any and we dont have any. But, should there come a time, we'll deal with it by talking it out.

I think the part of what was said that was seen as hurtful, and I know you didnt mean it to be, but try thinking of it from our perspective. We have these relationships, and you basically said that in your opinion, it wouldnt last and we were doomed for heartbreak. How would you feel or did you feel, while you were trying to make it work with your ex, if someone had said the same thing to you?

I wont speak for anyone else. I was talking with someone and what make me so upset was that you pinpointed my greatest fear. What do I do when/if this ends. We're 18 months in to a romantic relationship, plus 4 more years as just friends before that... I would be lost without either of them..but your comment made me face that fear, that little voice that says.. what if ... what if... I cant even bring myself to type it again (sorry viv).. (Thanks for saying what the other voices say.. why does it have to end.. and THANK YOU BJ for showing the list of successes you know

I dont pretend to know the answers.. i dont.. I just know that we take this one day at a time..and some times.. one hour at a time.. but this feels right.. it feels like home. It works for us. And it takes work, just like regular relationships.



ohhh and as a side note... because my brain wont let go of the thought.. I think someone mentioned culture... as a Hmm moment.. did you know that ancient celtic cultures allowed polygamy/polyamory, in fact it was encouraged and it wasnt restricted to men. Yes, there were first wives and second wives, etc..but a woman was allowed to have two husbands if she wanted.

 

[rinka]

I think we should all make an effort to broaden the concept of the word family in regard to our kids. Let's not reproduce another generation that when they hear the word family automatically sees the standard picturebook image of mommy, daddy and two children on their retina. Families comes in all compositions, we choose who we include or not and how open to other people we want our family to be. Kids follow our lead, what we tell and show is what is real.

Brave and happy adults fosters brave and happy children

 

[EmpressFi]

I think we should all make an effort to broaden the concept of the word family in regard to our kids. Let's not reproduce another generation that when they hear the word family automatically sees the standard picturebook image of mommy, daddy and two children on their retina. Families comes in all compositions, we choose who we include or not and how open to other people we want our family to be. Kids follow our lead, what we tell and show is what is real.

Brave and happy adults fosters brave and happy children

I like that..

I see Malin's girlfriends and my Master, my other significant other.. OSO.. as members of my family. They're mine. I just dont work if you take one away

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Trust Me, I know all TOO well what happens when parents are close minded.

 

[sexycaz22]

I wanted to chime in and applause Serji's posts, really good! thank you!

Now, I am not in any poly relationships...yet...but in my heart of hearts, I know that I could not commit to one person. I don't know why I feel like that, yet I feel strongly about not able to commit to one person. Yes, I might have fantasies about it, but I also know that in reality, you will have to do the hard work, to communicate openly and be honest. I certainly hope that I can do it!

I strongly believe (IMO) that in one lifetime, that you can love as many as people you can, each one in a different way. I believe that the human heart can hold many places in it, and it can belong to many people, whether it be a mother, a father, a partner, a Master, a pet...etc.... but each love is different, each reason for loving that particular person is different from the other person. And it's certainly a wonderful feeling.

*smile*

That's all!

To those who are in a poly relationship (or a multi-people relationship), I have lot of admiration for you, I hope to learn from each of you, when and if I do find myself in a such relationship.

Thank you!

 

[intothewoods]

So I'm looking at the polyamory thread, and seeing useful stuff, but there's a lot that doesn't apply to our situation. And I'm looking at the Distance Domination Support thread and seeing lots of good ideas there too, but, again, not quite applicable. So I figured I would start a thread.

As has been mentioned here and there, I've begun a relationship with myinnerslut, while still happily engaged in a wonderful relationship with my wife and slave, viv (aka Millificent). Simply put, and as my sig says, I have two incredible gals that call me Master.

The problem is that these two incredible gals live quite a ways apart, leading to the LDR portion of the descriptor. This leads to a realisation that I posted in another thread:



I am not used to this sort of thing at all, and am going through some interesting emotions in resolving this. My hope for this thread is two-fold. The first was to make an official, and clear announcement of the relationship, and to provide a little discussion place for those of us engaged in similar relationships.

Off the top of my head, EmpressFi, Malinborn, and Keeper of Fi are my first example, and they've been both a great role model and an incredible help, especially Fi. Sprinkles and Raven2 as well, and Sprinkles has been both a friend and a great help too. nh23, rida-chan, and a host of others as well. In retrospect, it is actually a little surprising to me how many of the folks I'm thinking of here are people that I became good friends with, and now find myself relating to their situations more and more.

So, here is our announcement: myself, viv, and myinnerslut have formed a polyfidelitous triad, which is a high-falutin way of saying that MIS has become part of our family and our hearts. And here is my thanks to those on here that have given all of us such great support and advice.

I hope that those of us involved can use this thread to discuss the specific foibles of our complex relationships.

I thought I'd quote H's first post, because while I thought kinky meh's post was inappropriate and not useful for this thread, I didn't know this was a thread to "celebrate poly."

I certainly don't want anyone's relationship to fail, and I don't sit around taking inventory of everyone here. But I don't know enough about anyone's relationship here to make a judgment either way. The anecdotal evidence offered about successful poly relationships with children is wonderful. But it's just that. Anecdotal. I know plenty of selfish people who say the right things, but really don't give a shit that their kids just want to be normal, like everyone else. I'm not saying that has to be so for a kid to turn out okay, just that I don't have enough to go on. My opinions aren't based just on anecdotal evidence, but a whole bunch of things. And of course plenty of people who aren't poly screw their kids up. But we're not talking about all the choices a parent might make here.

Regardless, my assumption was that a respectful though not celebratory post is welcome here. If that's not the case, please say so.