My true life story bombed

[jill999]

I now know that fiction sells better than fact. Well, at least that is the case with my story. I posted "Moonlight Embrace" here last week. It got lots of views and many of the readers took time to rate it. To my surprise, it rated below all of my fictional stories.

I'm posting a link if you would like to check it out. It's a short read and only takes a few minutes.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362454

I'm interested if anyone else has posted a mixture of fiction and true life stories. How were they received? Did true life do better or worse than fiction?

I know there is a typo in the story. My own proof reading didn't catch where I meant to say "intention" but I had typed "attention". I need a proof reader.

Thanks for any replies.

Jill

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Never never ever in a million years with a cherry on top say that it's a true story.

Boobs and boobies are very awkward outside of dialogue.

Don't give out measurements. The description of someone's figure is much more evocative.

Overall your grammar is fine but I've never seen a colon used to start dialogue the way you do.

Jan, Jim and Jill. All begin with J, all are short, all have the same pattern of letters. It's confusing and more than a little annoying.

Jimmy and I had formed a relationship in those first few hours that was so different than anything I had experienced. I was flirtatious with him and I desired so much more.
You can skip the boring stuff this way but not flirting. If Jimmy was doing everything right and turning you on we want to hear about it. Appeal to our emotions and libidos so we can feel everything you do.

The way your characters talk is strange. Contractions are part of speaking, use them.

At the end Jimmy forces his way into your womb. Now I'm not a girl but I am fairly certain that would feel very strange at best and probably rather painful as it went in. It's also not an image I want outside of /d/.

Making a comparasin to a fairy tale immediately after an explict sex scene is slightly disturbing.

 

[Guest]

You're not doing badly at all for a new story: 4.38 rating and four very positive comments. It may be that the new voting system has something to do with the fact that your score is lower than your other stories, or it may be the category in which you posted.

What struck me in reading the story (besides a far greater number of typos than the one you cited) is that the dialogue seems stilted and artificial. I suspect, without being able to be sure, that it reflects what was actually said. Real life dialogue doesn't hold up well in narrative form; most of us really aren't all that interesting when we talk. The dialogue in at least one of your other stories flows a lot more naturally.

The other thing that struck me is the lack of tension in the story--again, I think, a reflection of how it actually happened. You re-met this guy and spent time with him, you felt different with him than you had with anyone else, the day was right, and you decided to go all the way. I'm glad, for your sake, that it happened that way, but it didn't enthrall me.

I remember an opening super to "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" that read, "Most of what follows is true." I think that "true" stories should follow that maxim.

Just my two cents. Others will no doubt have a different idea.

 

[jill999]

Thanks for your feedback, however I was wondering if you really read the story I wrote, or if you read what you wanted to read?

For example: You stated that I wrote: "At the end Jimmy forces his way into your womb. Now I'm not a girl but I am fairly certain that would feel very strange at best and probably rather painful as it went in. It's also not an image I want outside of /d/."

I never stated he was inside my womb. As a woman I think I know the difference. I wrote that I felt my orgasm building out from there. "and then I felt my impending orgasm start to build deep in my womb."

I'm sorry that you don't approve of my name or those of my friends. I don't recall anyone ever saying that my name was "more than a little annoying". That type of feedback is not appreciated. It's personal and hateful.

Never never ever in a million years with a cherry on top say that it's a true story.

Boobs and boobies are very awkward outside of dialogue.

Don't give out measurements. The description of someone's figure is much more evocative.

Overall your grammar is fine but I've never seen a colon used to start dialogue the way you do.

Jan, Jim and Jill. All begin with J, all are short, all have the same pattern of letters. It's confusing and more than a little annoying.

Jimmy and I had formed a relationship in those first few hours that was so different than anything I had experienced. I was flirtatious with him and I desired so much more.
You can skip the boring stuff this way but not flirting. If Jimmy was doing everything right and turning you on we want to hear about it. Appeal to our emotions and libidos so we can feel everything you do.

The way your characters talk is strange. Contractions are part of speaking, use them.

At the end Jimmy forces his way into your womb. Now I'm not a girl but I am fairly certain that would feel very strange at best and probably rather painful as it went in. It's also not an image I want outside of /d/.

Making a comparasin to a fairy tale immediately after an explict sex scene is slightly disturbing.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The only time you need to include height, weight is if you are filling out something for the police. To me, it shows a lack of experience, or just plain laziness on the part of the writer. Don't give bra sizes unless you are hinting around that we should head off to Vic Secret to buy you a gift.

Who cares if the water is 87 or 86 or 88? Just say it's warm, numbers are distracting to readers.

As the other commenters have said, there's no tension to the story. It's in the first time category, so there's no mystery on what is eventually going to happen. There was a lot of narrative that didn't seem to move the story along.

Your writing isn't bad, it's just that this story wasn't particularily interesting. And "true" stories seem to bomb more than others. My advice would have been to keep that little fact secret and maybe embellish a bit on what really happened.

Good luck in the future.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Thanks for your feedback, however I was wondering if you really read the story I wrote, or if you read what you wanted to read?

I read the words you wrote . . .

For example: You stated that I wrote: "At the end Jimmy forces his way into your womb. Now I'm not a girl but I am fairly certain that would feel very strange at best and probably rather painful as it went in. It's also not an image I want outside of /d/."

I never stated he was inside my womb. As a woman I think I know the difference. I wrote that I felt my orgasm building out from there. "and then I felt my impending orgasm start to build deep in my womb."

Oops. I should have read a bit more closely there.

I'm sorry that you don't approve of my name or those of my friends. I don't recall anyone ever saying that my name was "more than a little annoying". That type of feedback is not appreciated. It's personal and hateful.

My point was that having so many characters with "J" names is irritating. Even if you want to be true to life changing the names would have been a good idea. How could you even begin to form the thought that I was offended by a name?

 

[jill999]

Thanks,

That was very helpful feedback. Your observation about the dialog is very insightful. I was trying to make it as close to the way I remember what we said to each other. It was kind of stiff at first. Jimmy was pretty shy and very nervous at first. I swear he asked my permission for just about everything that happened. I tried to convey that in the dialog.

And I know I need to find a proof reader. I just can't proof my own work. I can help find mistakes in text from other authors with ease, but it's very hard for me to catch my own mistakes.

You mentioned a new scoring system. I didn't know it changed. It appears that a 1 to 5 scale is still in place. What's the nature of the change?

Thanks again. Your feedback is very appreciated.

You're not doing badly at all for a new story: 4.38 rating and four very positive comments. It may be that the new voting system has something to do with the fact that your score is lower than your other stories, or it may be the category in which you posted.

What struck me in reading the story (besides a far greater number of typos than the one you cited) is that the dialogue seems stilted and artificial. I suspect, without being able to be sure, that it reflects what was actually said. Real life dialogue doesn't hold up well in narrative form; most of us really aren't all that interesting when we talk. The dialogue in at least one of your other stories flows a lot more naturally.

The other thing that struck me is the lack of tension in the story--again, I think, a reflection of how it actually happened. You re-met this guy and spent time with him, you felt different with him than you had with anyone else, the day was right, and you decided to go all the way. I'm glad, for your sake, that it happened that way, but it didn't enthrall me.

I remember an opening super to "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" that read, "Most of what follows is true." I think that "true" stories should follow that maxim.

Just my two cents. Others will no doubt have a different idea.

 

[jill999]

That was such a nice offer, I would like mine in red and with matching lace panties please.

Thanks for the feedback. I learned my lesson. It's back to fiction for me.

The only time you need to include height, weight is if you are filling out something for the police. To me, it shows a lack of experience, or just plain laziness on the part of the writer. Don't give bra sizes unless you are hinting around that we should head off to Vic Secret to buy you a gift.

Good luck in the future.

 

[Guest]

Thanks,

That was very helpful feedback. Your observation about the dialog is very insightful. I was trying to make it as close to the way I remember what we said to each other. It was kind of stiff at first. Jimmy was pretty shy and very nervous at first. I swear he asked my permission for just about everything that happened. I tried to convey that in the dialog.

And I know I need to find a proof reader. I just can't proof my own work. I can help find mistakes in text from other authors with ease, but it's very hard for me to catch my own mistakes.

You mentioned a new scoring system. I didn't know it changed. It appears that a 1 to 5 scale is still in place. What's the nature of the change?

Thanks again. Your feedback is very appreciated.

You're most welcome.

Instead of letting stiff dialogue carry the sense of uneasiness, maybe use some visuals, (i.e.: "It doesn't compare to your beauty, Jill." Jimmy shifted uneasily. "I need to tell you something...")

It's next to impossible to accurately proof one's own work. The only thing close to a foolproof system is to proof it backwards, word by word, which removes all the context and lets your eyes see what's actually there, instead of what your mind knows should be there. Good luck with that--it gives me a splitting headache.

As to the voting system, the meanings of 1-5 ratings have been redefined. (Mouse over the stars to see what they are.) It seems to be resulting in generally lower scores, which I think was part of the intent.

Keep writing, and good luck!

 

[sr71plt]

I now know that fiction sells better than fact. Well, at least that is the case with my story. I posted "Moonlight Embrace" here last week. It got lots of views and many of the readers took time to rate it. To my surprise, it rated below all of my fictional stories.

I'm posting a link if you would like to check it out. It's a short read and only takes a few minutes.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362454

I'm interested if anyone else has posted a mixture of fiction and true life stories. How were they received? Did true life do better or worse than fiction?

I know their is a typo in the story. My own proof reading didn't catch where I meant to say "intention" but I had typed "attention". I need a proof reader.

Thanks for any replies.

Jill

I know exactly how you feel. I put snippets of my own story in my novels--and invariably the manuscripts come back with notes from the editor to make just that part more believable.

(And, yes, I have a whole series of "would be true but it cuts out some of the yucky parts" stories here--indexed on my story page profile.) Here, the true bits do as well as the untrue bits--although on some of the untrue stories that I've made no suggestion are true but wrote in first person, I get e-mails that assume those are true tales.

 

[jill999]

I have read and enjoyed your stories here. It's not every day a small town girl gets to meet someone who flew at over a 100,000 feet in a Blackbird.

I don't think I will write about myself in the future, but if I do I will embellish myself into the role of a sex goddess.

I have used my name for some of my characters in past stories. I always pick the character which I would like to be. But then again The Fractal King finds my name annoying. So maybe I shouldn't do that again

I know exactly how you feel. I put snippets of my own story in my novels--and invariably the manuscripts come back with notes from the editor to make just that part more believable.

(And, yes, I have a whole series of "would be true but it cuts out some of the yucky parts" stories here--indexed on my story page profile.) Here, the true bits do as well as the untrue bits--although on some of the untrue stories that I've made no suggestion are true but wrote in first person, I get e-mails that assume those are true tales.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

But then again The Fractal King finds my name annoying. So maybe I shouldn't do that again

My point was that having so many characters with "J" names is irritating. Even if you want to be true to life changing the names would have been a good idea. How could you even begin to form the thought that I was offended by a name?

*cough*

 

[jill999]

*cough*

I take it that you don't enjoy being on the receiving end. It was easy enough for you to create what you wanted to say. So I thought I might have a little fun with your words.

I'm more than willing to call a truce. I hope you accept my terms and conditions:

1) You must come to love my name. It's actually Jillian.

2) From now on I want you to be more considerate towards people's feelings when you post feedback. Many of your observations are spot on, but you are often quite judgemental. It makes it feel personal.

Sign here:


___________-

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I take it that you don't enjoy being on the receiving end. It was easy enough for you to create what you wanted to say. So I thought I might have a little fun with your words.

I'm more than willing to call a truce.

What I wrote was a legitimate mistake whereas you have just admitted to intentionally being malicious. It's rather odd for you to be initiating negotiations.

I hope you accept my terms and conditions:

1) You must come to love my name. It's actually Jillian.

2) From now on I want you to be more considerate towards people's feelings when you post feedback. Many of your observations are spot on, but you are often quite judgemental. It makes it feel personal.

Sign here:


___________-

Umm . . . no? However, Jillian is a pretty name.

 

[where]

I take it that you don't enjoy being on the receiving end. It was easy enough for you to create what you wanted to say. So I thought I might have a little fun with your words.

I'm more than willing to call a truce. I hope you accept my terms and conditions:

1) You must come to love my name. It's actually Jillian.

2) From now on I want you to be more considerate towards people's feelings when you post feedback. Many of your observations are spot on, but you are often quite judgemental. It makes it feel personal.

Sign here:


___________-

Actually, apart from the misreading of the womb bit, I don't think the feedback TFK gave was that malicious or judgmental. It was pretty fair I thought.

For my part, I don't think it's a bad idea to use real experiences (I did for the first part of one of my stories and it worked out ok), but *saying* it is true does seem to be certain death.

Also you could write about the even in the third person. A lot of people don't like first person narratives. I do, but only when it sounds like the narrator is whispering into MY ear and not just telling a story.

 

[Guest]

I take it that you don't enjoy being on the receiving end. It was easy enough for you to create what you wanted to say. So I thought I might have a little fun with your words.

I'm more than willing to call a truce. I hope you accept my terms and conditions:

1) You must come to love my name. It's actually Jillian.

2) From now on I want you to be more considerate towards people's feelings when you post feedback. Many of your observations are spot on, but you are often quite judgemental. It makes it feel personal.

Sign here:


___________-

Hmmm.

Do you want honest critique to improve your writing or do you want someone to blow sunshine up your ass?

There are too many J names in the story. To better the story, change one or two, or your readers will be annoyed or confused. Unless that's what you wish.

First person is difficult for anyone except a female to read. My husband does not want to hear about

"Thunder rumbled in the distance as Jimmy trust his massive cock deep inside my womb."

He doesn't have a womb. He cannot relate to the story.

And actually, if Jimmy was to thrust (not trust) inside my womb, it would hurt like hell.

Just saying.

You have talent and skill. Develop a thicker skin, learn to take honest criticism, and your writing should improve.

Edited to add: In your first post you asked for feedback. Now you don't wish it?

 

[Guest]

Actually, apart from the misreading of the womb bit, I don't think the feedback TFK gave was that malicious or judgmental. It was pretty fair I thought.

For my part, I don't think it's a bad idea to use real experiences (I did for the first part of one of my stories and it worked out ok), but *saying* it is true does seem to be certain death.

Also you could write about the even in the third person. A lot of people don't like first person narratives. I do, but only when it sounds like the narrator is whispering into MY ear and not just telling a story.

He didn't misread - she says it later in the story.

And he did give very fair and helpful feedback, didn't he?

As did you.

 

[jill999]

Sarah,

You are right and I'm wrong. I just looked at my poor excuse of a story and I see that I somehow screwed up my terminlogy. I had intended to use womb as the focal point of my impending orgasm. I somehow used womb again instead of pussy or one of the many other terms for vagina to describe where Jimmy was shoving his cock.

It's funny, I know I must have read that several times and my mind wanted the correct term to be there, so I would read it the way I thought it.

This story was intended to be how a person to person story sharing session takes place. I have many friends, and with some we share the intimacies of our past. I took the bait and listened to them when they urged me to post this old, but true story.

Yes, I could have changed the names of the characters to make it more readable. In my fictional stories I always use a more diverse cast of characters. Most of my works involve murder and mystery. I seem to often think about the perfect crime. But this story was true. It has all the problems of true life.

I do respect honest feedback. Sometimes it stings and other times it is uplifting. I always react best to the latter. When you sell your writing, I'm sure you don't tell the publisher that his forum is god awful. It is the same with feedback. You can make your point in many ways. Sometimes a little humor, sometimes a little praise, sometimes brutal honesty.

I knew this story bombed. I'm responsible. I wrote it and self proofed it. All of the mistakes are mine. But it is still a sweet memory.

PS: My appologies to The Fractal King. He was also correct in pointing out my mistake with womb. I'm sorry.

Hmmm.

Do you want honest critique to improve your writing or do you want someone to blow sunshine up your ass?

There are too many J names in the story. To better the story, change one or two, or your readers will be annoyed or confused. Unless that's what you wish.

First person is difficult for anyone except a female to read. My husband does not want to hear about

"Thunder rumbled in the distance as Jimmy trust his massive cock deep inside my womb."

He doesn't have a womb. He cannot relate to the story.

And actually, if Jimmy was to thrust (not trust) inside my womb, it would hurt like hell.

Just saying.

You have talent and skill. Develop a thicker skin, learn to take honest criticism, and your writing should improve.

Edited to add: In your first post you asked for feedback. Now you don't wish it?

 

[Guest]

Sweetie, honest critique can really sting. It happens to us all.

Lovely memories will always be lovely memories - but sometimes they are hard to translate into marketable stories.

Just keep writing. And have other people read your stuff before you submit.

OR - and this is one of my favorite things to do - put it on a shelf for a couple of weeks, forget about it, work on the next story.

When you pick it up it's like seeing it with fresh eyes.

Best of luck!

 

[The_Fractal_King]

PS: My appologies to The Fractal King. He was also correct in pointing out my mistake with womb. I'm sorry.

np

I had to stick my head in a bucket of ice water the first time I got advice and criticism.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Beyond the typical newbie errors that have already been mentioned, you don't really need to worry about votes and reads. First of all, Votes are pretty meaningless. Just ask Scouries.

Reads will pick up as you gain a following and as you learn to write real stories and get away from the snippets.

Generally, the posting isn't too bad. The first paragraph really didn't grab me. That's another thing to work on. Make the reader WANT to read your story.

JJ

 

[where]

He didn't misread - she says it later in the story.

And he did give very fair and helpful feedback, didn't he?

As did you.

Uh I missed it as did TFK... even readers miss stuff

np

I had to stick my head in a bucket of ice water the first time I got advice and criticism.

Beyond the typical newbie errors that have already been mentioned, you don't really need to worry about votes and reads. First of all, Votes are pretty meaningless. Just ask Scouries.

Reads will pick up as you gain a following and as you learn to write real stories and get away from the snippets.

Generally, the posting isn't too bad. The first paragraph really didn't grab me. That's another thing to work on. Make the reader WANT to read your story.

JJ

See, this is why I'm WAAAAAY to chicken to ask for feedback on my stories!

 

[jill999]

Thanks for your advise Jenny. However, I don't consider myself a newbie. I have been writing a few free erotic stories each year and posting them on various sites. I think I started doing that about 10 years ago. I do have a small following of very loyal fans, but mostly from other sites.

And as for learning to write real stories, well I hope you would check out "Voices In The Darkness". I posted it here a few years ago. It is a murder mystery with more sex than a mainline mystery novel would ordinarily contain. I beleive it is just over 75,000 words. There is a link to it next to my signature.

Posting "Moonlight Embrace" is a personal failure on my part. I didn't use care in constructing this memory. I typed it as if I was telling a story and then did a poor job of proofing my own work.

I was interested in finding out from this board if true life stories were viewed less favorably. I think I have received my answer.

It does seem a bit strange that so many here view first person text with such disdain. First person stories are flying off the book shelves. The largest advances are paid to famous individuals who are willing to share their life story with the public. Maybe my approach was to commercial.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me.

Jill

Beyond the typical newbie errors that have already been mentioned, you don't really need to worry about votes and reads. First of all, Votes are pretty meaningless. Just ask Scouries.

Reads will pick up as you gain a following and as you learn to write real stories and get away from the snippets.

Generally, the posting isn't too bad. The first paragraph really didn't grab me. That's another thing to work on. Make the reader WANT to read your story.

JJ

 

[The_Fractal_King]

It does seem a bit strange that so many here view first person text with such disdain. First person stories are flying off the book shelves. The largest advances are paid to famous individuals who are willing to share their life story with the public. Maybe my approach was to commercial.

To be frank most people are stupid. Stories about celeb lives sell because people love to read about the person, quality and even content have little to do with it. Worse, people that tell stories about themslves often outright lie (or at least embellish) in parts. Those who don't lead extraordinary lives that are simply beyond the writing skill of someone who hasn't had similar experiences.

On Lit the main problem is that numerous technical limitations make first person PoV hard to do well. Little or no insight; constant need to use I; frequently sounds like a story at a bar etc. There are some great first person stories out there but simply because they are so few there's an automatic bias against the PoV as a whole.

 

[tickledkitty]

I disagree about first person. I like it, and I think it's the easiest to write. I know others who feel the same.