Does this work for you

[borgthemagician]

Hi,

I've just posted my second story on the boards (well, it's just been approved and gone on).
It's in the erotic coupling category, called Blue Fantasies. (Link also in the sig line).

My reason for asking for some feed back on here is twofold, firstly, I've written it in a style I found difficult at first, first person point of view. Secondly, a very special lady on here, made some comments about my first story, about how it offended her (can't remember her actual words). As she made that comment, I re-read it and I could then see exactly what she meant, although I hadn't seen that at first.

As far as the new story goes, it's written about me and you, what you said, how you reacted etc., which took some thinking about. I'm curious as to 'you' and how it reads to you.

I guess, it's going to appeal to ladies more than men, but does it? My only reason for the post and trying to gauge reactions and feedback is to help me improve. If you've any feedback / criticism, I'd love to hear it.

(Oh and there's a couple of other links below, for my other feeble attempts if you're interested)

Thanks...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

A lot of us have the signatures disabled, you might want to post a link.

 

[borgthemagician]

A lot of us have the signatures disabled, you might want to post a link.

Thank you drksideofthemoon. That wasn't something I'd thought of. Much appreciated.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

You're a good writer but the first/second person writing style is seriously off putting.

 

[borgthemagician]

You're a good writer but the first/second person writing style is seriously off putting.

That's sort of how I felt whilst trying to write it, and hence asking for the feedback. It wasn't a story to start with, more a collection of thoughts (and actions, I guess). I found it hard to write, so it was a challenge right from the point where I started to try and make those thoughts into a connected piece. Numbers 3 and 4 are on the go, and they're not in that format.

Thanks for the kind words, and for replying.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

That's sort of how I felt whilst trying to write it, and hence asking for the feedback. It wasn't a story to start with, more a collection of thoughts (and actions, I guess). I found it hard to write, so it was a challenge right from the point where I started to try and make those thoughts into a connected piece. Numbers 3 and 4 are on the go, and they're not in that format.

Thanks for the kind words, and for replying.

The first three paragraphs fell clumsy. As did the POV you wrote it in. There are far too many paragraphs each starting with "I". I think this story would have been much better if it had been written in the third person.

Far too much of the story was just narrated, it would have been better to have the characters tell us the story.

 

[borgthemagician]

The first three paragraphs fell clumsy. As did the POV you wrote it in. There are far too many paragraphs each starting with "I". I think this story would have been much better if it had been written in the third person.

Far too much of the story was just narrated, it would have been better to have the characters tell us the story.

I really appreciate this. Thank you.
I guess, so far, both your comment and that by The Fractal King, are confirming my thoughts that if try this style again, I need to do some serious work on understanding and writing in that POV.

Right from the outset, I hadn't really considered technical correctness, more throwing a story down initially and then worrying about trying to get the style right.

As said, I really do appreciate the time and trouble you've taken to have a look and reply. Cheers!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, borg , welcome and congrats on posting.

I agree with drk and fractal, 2nd person POV is a sure-fire way of getting readers to click out . Even 1st person should only be used if you know you don’t want to consider any other character’s thoughts.

Also, you mix tenses, going from past to present and back again, which is very off-putting.

In general, I found the pace of description a bit slow and labored. For example, you take about forty lines to get them from the station to the house for the only reason is for him putting his hand on her thigh. These are not real people and they don’t need to put seatbelts on, pee or eat unless it progresses the story.

I am sure all is clear in your head, but when you ask how I see ‘you’, as a woman, I have to say I make no connection with her as she is a creature of straw. Why is she there? What is she feeling?

Three lit pages is too long for what is, really, a single plotless sex scene. Cut it back by 40% , swap the description for dialogue, emotions, smells, noises and a few giggles and use 3rd party/past tense. Then you’ll get a better reaction because you write well.

Stand back from your characters and let them speak.

Elle

 

[borgthemagician]

Hi, borg , welcome and congrats on posting.

I agree with drk and fractal, 2nd person POV is a sure-fire way of getting readers to click out . Even 1st person should only be used if you know you don’t want to consider any other character’s thoughts.

Also, you mix tenses, going from past to present and back again, which is very off-putting.

In general, I found the pace of description a bit slow and labored. For example, you take about forty lines to get them from the station to the house for the only reason is for him putting his hand on her thigh. These are not real people and they don’t need to put seatbelts on, pee or eat unless it progresses the story.

I am sure all is clear in your head, but when you ask how I see ‘you’, as a woman, I have to say I make no connection with her as she is a creature of straw. Why is she there? What is she feeling?

Three lit pages is too long for what is, really, a single plotless sex scene. Cut it back by 40% , swap the description for dialogue, emotions, smells, noises and a few giggles and use 3rd party/past tense. Then you’ll get a better reaction because you write well.

Stand back from your characters and let them speak.

Elle

Hi Elle,
Wow, thanks.

That's really comprehensive and certainly gives me lots to think about. What's really clear is I need to go back to school I suppose, either that or I should have paid attention in the first place! I need to start learning a bit about the technical side behind the story side.

I agree with you on the present / past tense and I guess, it shows some laziness or sloppiness on my part for not correcting it.

When you say a bit laboured and slow, is that a reference to the intended audience, ie a Lit reader, or in the wider scheme of things?

Bearing in mind your last paragraph, you've certainly got me thinking of trying a re-write. (And, thanks for the compliment )

As said previously, it is really appreciated that you've taken the time and effort to read and reply. I'm very grateful for that.

Thanks Elle.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Elle,
Wow, thanks.

That's really comprehensive and certainly gives me lots to think about. What's really clear is I need to go back to school I suppose, either that or I should have paid attention in the first place! I need to start learning a bit about the technical side behind the story side.

I agree with you on the present / past tense and I guess, it shows some laziness or sloppiness on my part for not correcting it.

When you say a bit laboured and slow, is that a reference to the intended audience, ie a Lit reader, or in the wider scheme of things?

Bearing in mind your last paragraph, you've certainly got me thinking of trying a re-write. (And, thanks for the compliment )

As said previously, it is really appreciated that you've taken the time and effort to read and reply. I'm very grateful for that.

Thanks Elle.

I only take the time for someone who's got talent. PM me if I canhelp.

 

[borgthemagician]

I only take the time for someone who's got talent. PM me if I can help.

Elle

Now I'm humbled, , Thank You so much

 

[Sulk]

..... drama, drama..

 

[PJ526]

No, it doesn't

Okay - here it goes...

You do need to write in 3rd person. You have so many more options available to you.

Every time someone speaks, new line of text

We drew back slightly, hands still entwined. "What was the journey like," I asked. "It wasn't bad, but it seemed to last an eternity."

Is he saying all that? Very confusing to me...

"After that train, I'd really rather get a shower first and relax a bit," came your reply. The answer I was hoping for. I offered to carry your bag and we set off towards the car, my free hand holding your hand. All of a sudden, I realised that I felt like the cat who'd got the cream, with you at my side.

You could clean that up a little. For example:

"After that train ride, I'd rather shower and relax first," she gave him the answer he hoped for. He carried her bag to the car and opened her door. With her by his side, he felt like the cat who ate the cream.

Do you see what I mean? In your statement, I was confused where the cat was. I hope I am making sense...you should be more concise in your writing...

 

[borgthemagician]

Okay - here it goes..
You do need to write in 3rd person. You have so many more options available to you.
Every time someone speaks, new line of text
Is he saying all that? Very confusing to me...
You could clean that up a little. For example:

Do you see what I mean? In your statement, I was confused where the cat was. I hope I am making sense...you should be more concise in your writing...

Hello PJ.
Just a quick thank you, thank you for taking the time to post a reply and some critique. As has been mentioned, I've made some mistakes with this story - trying to be a bit too adventurous, and getting myself in a muddle in doing so. But, as with anything, you have to learn somehow. It's certainly given me food for thought, and I'm trying to make sure I don't make the same mistakes with the others I'm working on. Thank you again