Looking for some feedback

[Lee Chambers]

After nearly a year I finally got the third chapter up in a series I was writing.

C'est La Vie - Ch. 3

I would appreciate any feedback, criticisms or suggestions. The general consensus so far seems to be "Don't wait a year to write the next chapter!"

 

[where]

I thought it was nicely written. One or two typos could be fixed, but I liked the way the first part drew you into the intimacy. I liked the dialogue as well until you got to the brit dj. There are some really posh uk djs who try to be 'street' but even they don't talk like that.

I'll gave a butchers at the first two chapters when I get time

 

[Lee Chambers]

I thought it was nicely written. One or two typos could be fixed, but I liked the way the first part drew you into the intimacy. I liked the dialogue as well until you got to the brit dj. There are some really posh uk djs who try to be 'street' but even they don't talk like that.

I'll gave a butchers at the first two chapters when I get time

I appreciate the feedback. The DJ was a bit of a problem since I am neither British nor in the music industry, so I just had to wing it as to his personality and speech pattern. Any advice on how I could make it better? I hope to use him again at some point in the story.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Good to see you writing again, Lee. A hot, enjoyable read with nicely drawn characters and an interesting plot. The few things I found to fuss about all involve fairly esoteric and subjective elements of writing craft. Use any suggestions at your own risk.

Keep up the good work

Rumple Foreskin

==

RF: There are a few awkward and/or wordy passages.

ex: Beneath that blanket, however, was warmth pressed against his body, warmth that contrasted sharply to the cold.

ex: Chloe stirred in his arms. She shifted against him, her naked rear brushing over his cock and slowly bringing it to life.

--

RF: This is a subjective, style issue, but IMHO “was” appears a bit too often – something I’m very prone to doing myself. Some editors contend it’s a passive word.

ex: Chloe lay with her back against his chest; her body was spooned against his own.

ex: "No, I didn't!" Michael glanced around to see if anyone was really noticing them.

--

RF: Prepositional phrases aren’t “wrong” and when used sparingly can be effective but they can be addictive and overused to the point of calling attention to themselves..

ex: Opening his eyes again,

ex: Bracing his weight on his elbows,

ex: Leaning down,

ex: Putting her hand on his chest,

--

RF: To quote Stephen King, “Adverbs are not a writers friend.” There are, IMHO, a lot of those pesky “ly” adverbs King warned us about.

 

[where]

I appreciate the feedback. The DJ was a bit of a problem since I am neither British nor in the music industry, so I just had to wing it as to his personality and speech pattern. Any advice on how I could make it better? I hope to use him again at some point in the story.

If it was me, I'd just use the same speech as if he were one of my own. You run the risk of moving into parody/ Dick van Dyke talk otherwise. Alternatively, if you want to hear a funny version of how posh uk boys try to sound 'street', see if you can find some Ali G on you tube.

I am probably the wrong person to ask though, because in my stories character takes second place

 

[Lee Chambers]

Good to see you writing again, Lee. A hot, enjoyable read with nicely drawn characters and an interesting plot. The few things I found to fuss about all involve fairly esoteric and subjective elements of writing craft. Use any suggestions at your own risk.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the feedback. This is some good advice here.

RF: There are a few awkward and/or wordy passages.

ex: Beneath that blanket, however, was warmth pressed against his body, warmth that contrasted sharply to the cold.

ex: Chloe stirred in his arms. She shifted against him, her naked rear brushing over his cock and slowly bringing it to life.

I think I just haven't been writing enough to develop my own style, so I tend to fall back on old habits. I just need more practice here.

RF: This is a subjective, style issue, but IMHO “was” appears a bit too often – something I’m very prone to doing myself. Some editors contend it’s a passive word.

ex: Chloe lay with her back against his chest; her body was spooned against his own.

ex: "No, I didn't!" Michael glanced around to see if anyone was really noticing them.

"Was" was one of many words I was a bit repetitive on. A lot of other ones got hacked out in the editing pricess.

RF: Prepositional phrases aren’t “wrong” and when used sparingly can be effective but they can be addictive and overused to the point of calling attention to themselves..

ex: Opening his eyes again,

ex: Bracing his weight on his elbows,

ex: Leaning down,

ex: Putting her hand on his chest,

--

RF: To quote Stephen King, “Adverbs are not a writers friend.” There are, IMHO, a lot of those pesky “ly” adverbs King warned us about.

When I finish the next chapter I'll try to keep both of these points in mind when I start editing it. Hopefully, the next chapter will have a lot better prose to it. I also blame the fact that I'm Texan. We use a lot of -ly words.

Thanks again for the advice. It's much appreciated.

EDITED TO ADD: I also had to look up the whole prepositional phrase thing to find out what you were talking about. But after reading it, I can see that the number of them in the story is an issue.

 

[Lee Chambers]

If it was me, I'd just use the same speech as if he were one of my own. You run the risk of moving into parody/ Dick van Dyke talk otherwise. Alternatively, if you want to hear a funny version of how posh uk boys try to sound 'street', see if you can find some Ali G on you tube.

I am probably the wrong person to ask though, because in my stories character takes second place

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) character is always the first thing I go for. Guess I need to do some more research and try to give this guy a bit more of an authentic voice.

 

[where]

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) character is always the first thing I go for. Guess I need to do some more research and try to give this guy a bit more of an authentic voice.

From most posts on here, I'd say character really counts. I'm just a stroke merchant


But you can give them character, I think, without the accents and speech patterns. Both Mark and Chloe have distinctive characters even though their speech is not dissimilar.

 

[Lee Chambers]

From most posts on here, I'd say character really counts. I'm just a stroke merchant


But you can give them character, I think, without the accents and speech patterns. Both Mark and Chloe have distinctive characters even though their speech is not dissimilar.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a good stroke story.

But yeah, accents can be hard to do in a story. At least I didn't try to rewrite the words and make the reader spend time trying to sound out what he was saying.

 

[Geeky_lover]

I liked it. I read the first two chapters immediately prior. The story as a whole is believable. I've never seen a sex party like in chapter 2 but the way it was set up seemed plausible (especially the blood and urine tests).

I must agree with the comment "don't wait a year to publish the next one". http://forum.literotica.com/images/smilies/smile.gif


Also, I'm looking for editor recommendations. I've posted one story and even before I posted it, I'd liked to have had an editor. I've got spell checker and I tend to do grammar naturally well. The "feel and flow" is what I have difficulty with. I have a very good idea of how I want the story to be, but getting the details to be put in at the right pace is the thing I haven't got the hang of yet. Know of any editors that can shore up this weak point of mine?

PS: if you believe turn about is fair play, Lee, then check out the thread on my story at (http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=588593)

or the story itself:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=361335

 

[Lee Chambers]

Thanks for the feedback, Geek. I checked out your story and I'll post my thoughts on your feedback thread.