First Poem! Feedback Please?

[jimequfa]

Ok, It's not the first poem I've ever written, but it is the first on this topic. So I guess that makes me a virgin. Lurking is over, now it's time to get some feedback from folks that know this genera. Oh, I'm an older guy and I'm pretty thick skinned. So tell me what I'm doing wrong, not just that you like that I rhymed the vowels or consonants. ;~) I do wish to improve!

Here goes...



She Feeds Humming Birds

Nectar, sweet, smooth, warm
as dangling fruit, ripened from the sun.
A vessel full, smelling of sweets
and looking pink as spring blooms.

The beat of wings,
flicking, probing tongues.
Exquisite shallow searching,
teasing fragrant blush.

A few first flutters,
a tiny chirp, a little twitch, a flit.
It marks the spot, another’s probes,
a place to keep not hold.

Circle round, flicking, probing,
all chirps and squeaks, thrusting to the nectar.
Furtive moments, action, reaction,
to Newton’s laws they dance and roll.

Nectars flow and drips from beak,
protest rise and settle.
Exhilarated thrust, jerks and swallows,
wing’s beatings quicken and shallow.

Flushed moments, tense, intense
impassioned toward the goal.
Feet flail and toes curl, searching
blissful purchase and now.

Purchase found and plunged
deep the beak, tongues flicking, still lusting.
Deep the sweet nectar’s gurgling,
warm inside, smooth, ripe, waiting.

Again plunged,
the length of it’s whole.
Slowly, slowly out, smooth, hard
rubbing pink sides as it goes.

Mounted vessel swaying, rocking,
quivering toward each probe.
Tender thrust frantic jerks
savoring vessel’s flow.

Filled of life the vessel,
beak dripping with its nectars.
The sweetness now is emptied,
delightfully naked to the other.

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And,
I love the way we go.



jimequfa,
If I get it right I will give this to my wife on our 32 anniversary next month. Help!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Ok, Jime, I like the sense imagery of the poem but it needs to have sentence structure instead of just be lists, I think. I like a feeling of stillness at the beginning but you can maintain that and still have sentences.

Please forgive my liberties:



She Feeds Humming Birds

Nectar-sweet warm
dangling fruit, ripens from the sun.
A vessel full, smells of sweets
and looks pink as spring blooms.

The beat of wings (Is this all? Beat? Hummingbird wings deserve more description than that)
(need a verb here) flicking, probing tongues. (Like this better. mmm.
Exquisite shallow is searched,
teased to fragrant blush.

 

[Eluard]

Jim — I love that you are going to give this to your wife for your anniversary. So let me add to what Pandora has already suggested.

She Feeds Humming Birds

Nectar, sweet, smooth, warm
as dangling fruit, ripened from the sun.
A vessel full, smelling of sweets
and looking pink as spring blooms.

The beat of wings,
flicking, probing tongues.
Exquisite shallow searching,
teasing fragrant blush.

A few first flutters,
a tiny chirp, a little twitch, a flit.
It marks the spot, another’s probes,
a place to keep not hold.

Circle round, flicking, probing,
all chirps and squeaks, thrusting to the nectar.
Furtive moments, action, reaction,
to Newton’s laws they dance and roll.

Nectars flow and drips from beak,
protest rise and settle.
Exhilarated thrust, jerks and swallows,
wing’s beatings quicken and shallow.

Flushed moments, tense, intense
impassioned toward the goal.
Feet flail and toes curl, searching
blissful purchase and now.

Purchase found and plunged
deep the beak, tongues flicking, still lusting.
Deep the sweet nectar’s gurgling,
warm inside, smooth, ripe, waiting.

Again plunged,
the length of it’s whole.
Slowly, slowly out, smooth, hard
rubbing pink sides as it goes.

Mounted vessel swaying, rocking,
quivering toward each probe.
Tender thrust frantic jerks
savoring vessel’s flow.

Filled of life the vessel,
beak dripping with its nectars.
The sweetness now is emptied,
delightfully naked to the other.

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And,
I love the way we go.



jimequfa,

Firsly I mostly like this part below— I think you have the rhythm right here.

Again plunged,
the length of it’s whole.
Slowly, slowly out, smooth, hard
rubbing pink sides as it goes.

Mounted vessel swaying, rocking,
quivering toward each probe.
Tender thrust frantic jerks
savoring vessel’s flow.

Filled of [with would be better] life the [this?] vessel,
beak dripping with its nectars.
The sweetness now is emptied,
delightfully naked to the other.

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And,
I love the way we go.

I think the final two lines could be stronger: you are petering out here. Howabout:

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And I am a bird
who loves this rose.

OK that leaves the middle 4 stanzas.

Circle round, flicking, probing,
all chirps and squeaks, thrusting to the nectar.
Furtive moments, action, reaction,
to Newton’s laws they dance and roll.

Nectars flow and drips from beak,
protest rise and settle.
Exhilarated thrust, jerks and swallows,
wing’s beatings quicken and shallow.

Flushed moments, tense, intense
impassioned toward the goal.
Feet flail and toes curl, searching
blissful purchase and now.

Purchase found and plunged
deep the beak, tongues flicking, still lusting.
Deep the sweet nectar’s gurgling,
warm inside, smooth, ripe, waiting.


Lose the first stanza here: chirps and squeaks are NOT erotic. Nor far that matter is `jerks'. So how about, just this:

Honey flows and drips from beak,
protests rise and settle.
Exhilarated thrust, darts and swallows,
wing beatings quicken and shallow.

Flushed moments, tense, intense
impassioned toward the goal.
Feet writhe and toes curl, searching
blissful purchase now.


With a romantic poem nothing can be allowed to spoil the mood, nothing should invite giggles rather than sighs. So you have to eliminate or change everything that doesn't work, even if that means that the poem is shorter than you'd like. `Nectar' gets repeated a few too many times — you need to mix this up a little. If you want me to go with some more suggestions then let me know: otherwise this may be enough.

HTH

El.

 

[jimequfa]

Thanks Pandora!

Please forgive my liberties:

Liberties are encouraged.

And yes...I struggled with the style to do this in. I actually kept thinking about that while writing. Hummm...

I had one professor who gave me hell over using commas and line brakes to control meter and meaning, "Write it like you're telling a story!"

I had another professor who loved and encouraged this style, but I struggle with it. My style is subtle and I prefer to use imagery over the literal.

You may be right, I might should go a more Robert Frost like style for structure and let the imagery do the work.

Suggestions noted, I'm going to play with that some.

Thanks,
jimequfa

 

[jimequfa]

Absolutely!

With a romantic poem nothing can be allowed to spoil the mood, nothing should invite giggles rather than sighs. So you have to eliminate or change everything that doesn't work, even if that means that the poem is shorter than you'd like. `Nectar' gets repeated a few too many times — you need to mix this up a little. If you want me to go with some more suggestions then let me know: otherwise this may be enough.

HTH

El.

Absolutely right Eluard! If writers ask the reader to suspend disbelief and they do...we dang sure shouldn't betray them. And suggestions are always welcome.

I agree with the nectar part as well and maybe to much thrusting and probing too. The problem is ambrosia is used to death! ;~)

Really though, I tried hard to use observations of humming bird's actual actions and sounds around feeders to paint the picture metaphorically. Maybe I should do as you suggest and take a bit more literary license and flourish that part up.

I noticed in both your and Pandora's rewrites a similar simplifying of the lines that really smooths out what you guy wrote.

I like the suggestions. Both of you guys had great critiques. I did run out of gas at the end, waited a couple of days, still nothing and so I posted here and you guys have come to help. Life is good!

Thanks, and I hope you guys don't mind if a line you wrote shows up in it.

Thanks

jimequfa

 

[sassynyc]

Ok, It's not the first poem I've ever written, but it is the first on this topic. So I guess that makes me a virgin. Lurking is over, now it's time to get some feedback from folks that know this genera. Oh, I'm an older guy and I'm pretty thick skinned. So tell me what I'm doing wrong, not just that you like that I rhymed the vowels or consonants. ;~) I do wish to improve!

Here goes...



She Feeds Humming Birds

Nectar, sweet, smooth, warm
as dangling fruit, ripened from the sun.
A vessel full, smelling of sweets
and looking pink as spring blooms.

The beat of wings,
flicking, probing tongues.
Exquisite shallow searching,
teasing fragrant blush.

A few first flutters,
a tiny chirp, a little twitch, a flit.
It marks the spot, another’s probes,
a place to keep not hold.

Circle round, flicking, probing,
all chirps and squeaks, thrusting to the nectar.
Furtive moments, action, reaction,
to Newton’s laws they dance and roll.

Nectars flow and drips from beak,
protest rise and settle.
Exhilarated thrust, jerks and swallows,
wing’s beatings quicken and shallow.

Flushed moments, tense, intense
impassioned toward the goal.
Feet flail and toes curl, searching
blissful purchase and now.

Purchase found and plunged
deep the beak, tongues flicking, still lusting.
Deep the sweet nectar’s gurgling,
warm inside, smooth, ripe, waiting.

Again plunged,
the length of it’s whole.
Slowly, slowly out, smooth, hard
rubbing pink sides as it goes.

Mounted vessel swaying, rocking,
quivering toward each probe.
Tender thrust frantic jerks
savoring vessel’s flow.

Filled of life the vessel,
beak dripping with its nectars.
The sweetness now is emptied,
delightfully naked to the other.

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And,
I love the way we go.



jimequfa,
If I get it right I will give this to my wife on our 32 anniversary next month. Help!

hi jimequfa. i think she will love this regardless, because it's you observing her in great detail. and though, you're writing about these birds, i doudt it would mean as much to you, were it not her feeding them.

your attention to detail is beautiful. just try putting a little flesh on it. rounding out your thoughts to complete statemnets. just be concise so you don't lose the rhythm. also try using different words to describe both "vessel" and "nectar" since they occur most frequently, to avoid repetition,

Nectar, sweet, smooth, warm
as dangling fruit, ripened from the sun.
A vessel full, smelling of sweets
and looking pink as spring blooms

here lines 1 and 3 feel a bit redundant. maybe rework it so that "sweets" doesn't repeat and replace nectar with a synonym
e.g. "serum of life" or "sustenance", just so you don't have to use the same word everytime.

I love that she feeds
those humming birds.
And,
I love the way we go

here you might consider

And I love
The way we go.

It makes the final stanza look smoother, but it also shifts emphasis to how much you love, rather than just the word "and". but that's just an aesthetic preference on my part. clearly i can see just how special she is to you, and she wil see it once she reads this.
I think you're 85% there already. you've laid great groundwork
question: how do you plan to give this to your wife? is this for mother's day, or a just-because gift? either way, if it's a present, it would be beautiful typed in a nice font on an antique or parchment paper, then laminated and framed.
i know you didn't ask for all of that. i just saw the artistic possibilities and got carried away! (ooooh, a dried flower lamenated onto the page would be soooo pretty) ok.....i swear.....i'm stopping now, and staying out of it. i just had a very B. Smith moment. it's over now.

i hope some of this helps. good luck. she will love it......whatever you decide to do with it

 

[normal jean]

Liberties are encouraged.

And yes...I struggled with the style to do this in. I actually kept thinking about that while writing. Hummm...

I had one professor who gave me hell over using commas and line brakes to control meter and meaning, "Write it like you're telling a story!"

I had another professor who loved and encouraged this style, but I struggle with it. My style is subtle and I prefer to use imagery over the literal.

You may be right, I might should go a more Robert Frost like style for structure and let the imagery do the work.

Suggestions noted, I'm going to play with that some.

Thanks,
jimequfa

Hi

It is a very sweet thing to write for your wife. I know if my hubby could write poetry, well, that would freak me out first, then I would cry. He builds things for me out of wrought iron, so I consider it a fair trade.

Your poem. It gets better after the first strophe. Maybe you could turn some of those gerunds ( -ing words) into their active form/ That usually livens up a poem.


What you say about preferring imagery to being literal is the way to go, unless what you are writing doesn't lend itself to imagery.

You have an excellent start, I look forward to seeing the final product. If you get a chance, check out Rufous, by Tristesse2. It is an excellent hummingbird poem, you can get a sense of movement, her technique, and she is a very good writer. The poem is listed on my favorites and also I posted the link for you here since I forgot how hard it is to get an author's link when you don't already have it bookmarked.

oh yeah, welcome to the forum!

Rufous



NJ

 

[Anschul]

Hi

It is a very sweet thing to write for your wife. I know if my hubby could write poetry, well, that would freak me out first, then I would cry. He builds things for me out of wrought iron, so I consider it a fair trade.

Your poem. It gets better after the first strophe. Maybe you could turn some of those gerunds ( -ing words) into their active form/ That usually livens up a poem.


What you say about preferring imagery to being literal is the way to go, unless what you are writing doesn't lend itself to imagery.

You have an excellent start, I look forward to seeing the final product. If you get a chance, check out Rufous, by Tristesse2. It is an excellent hummingbird poem, you can get a sense of movement, her technique, and she is a very good writer. The poem is listed on my favorites and also I posted the link for you here since I forgot how hard it is to get an author's link when you don't already have it bookmarked.

oh yeah, welcome to the forum!

Rufous



NJ

Hi NJ. I feel compelled to comment here (in the hopes that Tristesse2 herself will take notice), and to thank you for putting this post up. It's beautiful. As one who joyfully feeds the hummers and gives them shelter, this one touched me. Thanks.

And by the way, Jimequfa, I agree wholeheartedly with NJ's comments. Welcome. And please, join us over at the Bistro for some pleasant conversation and tequila.

 

[jimequfa]

Now I'm Thinking Sassy!

question: how do you plan to give this to your wife? is this for mother's day, or a just-because gift? either way, if it's a present, it would be beautiful typed in a nice font on an antique or parchment paper, then laminated and framed.
i know you didn't ask for all of that. i just saw the artistic possibilities and got carried away! (ooooh, a dried flower lamenated onto the page would be soooo pretty) ok.....i swear.....i'm stopping now, and staying out of it. i just had a very B. Smith moment. it's over now.

My kind of girl! Grrrrr?!

I’m writing it for our 32-wedding anniversary. I’m not sure how I’ll give it to her. She has a habit of getting on the computer first thing every morning. I had thought about leaving it as the desktop image so when she turns it on it pops up. Not sure yet though? You may have the right ideal. And it sure sounded like you were getting some gooood ideals.

OK! Now that I’ve calmed down…to the rest of your post.

Another great critique. That’s why I posted this here. I have certain tendencies and having them pointed out helps me focus.

As a professor told me years ago, “It doesn’t matter if the person critiquing your writing is Ernest Hemmingway or Joe Blow…if they all keep stumbling on the same thing, you probably need to rethink it!” He was right.

You are right, of course. I was so concerned about linking the “s” sounds of sweet and smelling in the third line I completely lost sweet in the first line! I’m not writing much these days so I’m struggling to find alternate words that don’t sound too pedestrian and still fit as a slant rhyme or sound links. I try to stay away from true rhyme as I usually come off like a bad Frost imitator. I too was not satisfied with the last bit. You also bring up the rhythm thing. I think I may try putting it into a traditional from like Iambic pentameter just to see if it straightens out the meter issues and smooths the rhythm. See, you guys make me think about stuff long since forgotten. Thanks!

I am saving all these critiques to a folder and will use them in the rewrite this weekend when I have time to set and concentrate. Any other thoughts you or anyone else has will be noted and incorporated into the next version.

Jimequfa,

 

[jimequfa]

A Fair Tade Indeed!

Your poem. It gets better after the first strophe. Maybe you could turn some of those gerunds ( -ing words) into their active form/ That usually livens up a poem.

NJ,

I too work with steel, but I only wish I could build wrought iron. That is just one of many art forms i can not master.

You know, you sound like an instructor. Use the active voice. That is so right, but I make the same mistakes over and over. It's funny how it is easy for me to see things like that in other writers and completely miss it in my own. Dang. Thanks a ton.

I read Rufous and you are right. It reminds me of a little male Ruby Throated we called Fat Boy who was the first to show up every year and hover at the kitchen window and perch on a dead snag to guard the feeder from all rivals. He was a little no-necked dude and about as round as he was tall, but he was king for a while. Great stuff. Man, Trist is a pretty prolific writer. I'll have to make time to read some of her other stuff.

Thanks for the advise and the welcome.

jimequfa,

 

[jimequfa]

Thank For The Invite!

And by the way, Jimequfa, I agree wholeheartedly with NJ's comments. Welcome. And please, join us over at the Bistro for some pleasant conversation and tequila.

Anschul,

Thanks for the welcome and the invite. I'll try to stop by, but I'll have to stick with good old Kentucky sippin' whiskey as tequilla makes me mean and horny! ;~)

jimequfa,

 

[Anschul]

Anschul,

Thanks for the welcome and the invite. I'll try to stop by, but I'll have to stick with good old Kentucky sippin' whiskey as tequilla makes me mean and horny! ;~)

jimequfa,

And horny is a bad thing...why? I DO keep some Maker's Mark around for special occasions. If Loststar is tending bar, you're in luck. She's got IT. Watch out, though if it's Bijou her ownself. She can be an ornery little cuss... but cute as a button, when she's not tied up, which she is (with me) for about a week.

 

[jimequfa]

Not Bad!

And horny is a bad thing...why?

Anschul,

Not bad..a constant state. But I think I wait and discuss it over at the Bistro. Wouldn't want to get in trouble with the moderators on my own thread! ;~)

jimequfa,