Falling Into Darkness...constructive feedback please!!!

[Elianna]

Hey guys!

Not that I don't appreciate the feedback that has been already given. The support has been great, but I still feel like that little girl who's writing stories to herself.

So be honest...

What can I do better?

How can I keep the plot from stagnating? I know where I'm going, but I'm struggling to put some of the details in without it getting... stuck in a rut.

So many of your are SO accomplished. Any suggestions would be very helpful.

-Elianna

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=356832

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357910

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358039

 

[tickledkitty]

I read the first part. It's good, but there are some things I'd do differently just to clean it up a bit.

For example, your first sentence:

Her tears stung her eyes, and her head pounded as her blood rushed to it, the sound reverberating in her ears.

You don't need to say "Her" tears stung her eyes. I'd leave that off and start with Tears stung her eyes,

Also, mix up the way you start your sentences. I think you start with he/she too often. You could have simply named the girl earlier in this part rather than calling her "she". You tend to start most sentences with the subject. You might try mixing that up, as well.

I noticed that some of your sentences are longish.

Tears filled her eyes again and she cried in misery yet again. Who wouldn't when your panties were soiled with your own blood, your arms and were legs bound, and your captor and rapist grunted but said nothing else as he carried you down a rocky hallway.

Yet again, tears filled her eyes as she cried in her own misery. Just an example (although not the best) of mixing it up. You used the word again twice in that sentence, as well. I'd avoid that, if possible.

Also, that next sentence is asking a question and should probably end in a question mark. It's a bit long and confusing too. I had to read it twice. I think you have too many ideas in that one sentence. First you're talking about her condition and how she feels about it, then how she feels about what her captor is doing and where he's taking her. Also, I don't like how you switch the focus from her to you. This may be just me picking though. It's almost like you're telling the readers how they should feel by imagining they were in the situation themselves. I don't think you need to do that.

And by looking at him, you could agree.

You seem to start a lot of sentences this way. It's ok to do it once in a while, especially in dialogue, but I wouldn't make a habit of it. I really don't like that this is the beginning of a paragraph. I think I'd combine it with the last sentence of the previous paragraph, starting that next paragraph there:

She'd gotten the idea after his screaming and beating and raving that most women didn't refuse his attentions, and by looking at him, you could agree.

The sentence that begins She'd gotten the idea...doesn't really go with the previous paragraph where you're speculating about where he was taking her.

Finally he stopped. She couldn't see much hanging over his back like she was, but she didn't want to just quit caring. She closed her eyes and listened, hoping the sounds would give her an indication of what was happening.

Using the comments I've already made, I'd write this as:

Finally, he stopped. Hanging over his back, she couldn't see much but didn't want to just stop caring. She closed her eyes and listened, hoping the sounds would give some indication of what was happening.

You don't have to say "hanging over his back like she was." Also, you keep repeating "she" when it's not necessary.

Alright...enough for now. I hope this is helpful to you. I think it's a good story. I like the imagery.

 

[Quesla]

hI eILANNA? (sp?) qUESLA HERE: i'M THE ONLY RESIDENT COMPLETELY BLIND MEMBER FUNCTIONING WITH A SPEECH SOFTWARE THAT ONLY READS TEXT. i LOVED YOUR FIRST TWO CHAPTERS! iT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE i HAD TO WATCH MY PUNCTUATION AND USE IT PROPERLY, LIKE ABOUT gRADE 11! HIGHSCHOOL! yES, i DO SOME WORD DOCUMENTS ON MY OLD '97 MS WORD, BUT MY 5.2 jaws DOES NOT WORK WELL WITH THE OLD '97 AND OFTEN WON'T READ WHOLE SECTIONS OF SENTENCES FOR ME, THEREFORE, THE WORDS JUST DON'T SEEM TO BE THERE AND i END UP INSERTING JUNK BETWENN FRAGMENTS OF OTHER SENTENCES! i'M HOPING TO GET THIS REMEDIED ON MY NEWER PUTER DOWNSTAIRS WITH XP AND MS WORD '03 AND THE NEWEST VERSION OF MY SPEECH SOFTWARE, jaws 7.0 bUT i'VE GOT TO GET THE jaws PROGRAM MANAGER SET RIGHT! i ANXIOUSLY AWAIT YOUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF fALLING INTO dARKNESS. i CAN IMAGINE eLIANNA BEING DRAGGED INTO THE CONFILCTS BETWEEN kAEL AND THE OTHER OLD VAMPIRES.i'M NOT SURE WHETHER YOU WANT TO HAVE kAEL TURN eLIANNA OFR NOT??? iT'LL BE QUITE THE CHALLENGE FOR kAEL TO KEEP THE OTHER BLOODSUCKERS FROM GETTING HER? and?!!! WHAT ABOUT THE RAPIST??? i'D LOVE TO SEE HIM GET HIS JUST REWARDS FOR DEFILING aNNA! qUESLA. i SURE HOPE MY jaws HASN'T SWITCHEROOED THE CAPSLOCKS CASING AGAIN! qUESLA bTW: i HAVE MY PM ON IF YOU WANT TO TALK PERSONALLY MY CALL NAME IS ALSO MY WICCAN NAME AND STARTS JUST AS NAMES DO WITH A SINGLE UPPERCASE AND THE REST IN LOWER CASE.

 

[litchipking]

Nice

Okay, I'm not in any way interested in the whole vampire thing but I went to your story because you asked. I'm so glad I did.

Your characters are so alive. I was quickly drawn in and, even with very little physical description, found myself cheering for Cael and Anna to escape. You also did a nice job of depicting Kaiden’s evil nature when he kills the whore at the beginning of chapter three.

While I think dialogue is one of your strengths, I do think you should consider cutting back on the speech tags. Many times you have only two people in the conversation. Using tags for every line is not necessary. Sometimes you even use more than one speech tag in the same paragraph.

From Chapter 3: She shook her head. "They might know even now that the door has been opened," she said. "They could be on their way." She shivered bravely. "If you drink more of my blood," she said. "Will it make you strong enough?"

From Chapter 1: "Ah," he said. "You are gagged. You smell of blood and sex," he said. "You smell of fear, of pain."

The only other negative thing I will mention is that you seem to love comas and semicolons. I have a tendency to think and write in semicolons as well and have to go back and remove many of them in edit. You may want to consider thinking through some alternate ways to phrase your thoughts to eliminate some of the punctuation.

Overall I really like your writing and am intrigued by your story. I’m looking forward to following this tale.

Chip

 

[Elianna]

Thanks so much to Tickledkitty and Litchipking.

Sometimes when you write your own stuff, you don't see things that would be screaming blatantly at you in someone else's work.

The dialogue is a huge one. So is the overuse of pronouns. I'll try to look back for those things as I'm working on Ch4.

This is just what I'm looking for guys. I know you might think you're being mean, but please, tear me apart. The only way to get better is to make mistakes and then learn from them.


Quesla- I'm glad you like my characters as much as I do. Thanks!

E

 

[MonaLittle]

..............................

 

[tickledkitty]

Thanks so much to Tickledkitty and Litchipking.

Sometimes when you write your own stuff, you don't see things that would be screaming blatantly at you in someone else's work.

The dialogue is a huge one. So is the overuse of pronouns. I'll try to look back for those things as I'm working on Ch4.

This is just what I'm looking for guys. I know you might think you're being mean, but please, tear me apart. The only way to get better is to make mistakes and then learn from them.

E

You're welcome. I try to give the kind of feedback I like getting myself.

Yeah, it's hard to see your own writing for what it is sometimes, especially after you read something over about 100 times. You just don't really see it anymore. That's why we use editors.

 

[litchipking]

It was a pleasure to read your work and I am glad to help. We all need a fresh eye and point of view on our writing. TK was kind enough to look over a story of mine recently as well. Very helpful and very kind. You should check out her stories. She's pretty good.

Happy writing,
Chip

 

[Elianna]

You're welcome. I try to give the kind of feedback I like getting myself.

Yeah, it's hard to see your own writing for what it is sometimes, especially after you read something over about 100 times. You just don't really see it anymore. That's why we use editors.

Do you think I should send it off to one of the volunteer editors? I've heard mixed reviews. Recommendations?

 

[tickledkitty]

It was a pleasure to read your work and I am glad to help. We all need a fresh eye and point of view on our writing. TK was kind enough to look over a story of mine recently as well. Very helpful and very kind. You should check out her stories. She's pretty good.

Aw, jeez, Chip. You're making me blush. Thank you.

Do you think I should send it off to one of the volunteer editors? I've heard mixed reviews. Recommendations?

I always use an editor. They can do far more than just check grammar and punctuation. I can't really recommend anyone, because I don't know who's available. You might try posting in the Editor's Forum and adding a link to the stuff you already have submitted.

 

[ellynei]

Wonderful story

Ah sorry got too entangled in the story to notice if anything could be improved. Your words disappeared and I saw only the images they made for me. Previous posters on this thread seems far more capable of giving advice on structuring words than I ever could be, so not a big loss

Thanks for posting this story, I look very much forward to seeing more of it!

At the end of chapter 3 you said something about knowing it was slow. I can understand why you feared that, because it's a lot of text and looking back what happened might seem pragmatic. But I can tell you that when I read it, it did not feel slow. And I was in no way tempted to skip paragraphs to get to 'action'. No, didn't feel slow at all, felt perfect. Felt like the proper build up. Felt right

Now get back to work and gimme some more! (I promise I will be honest enough to be 'mean' if I can only find something that I can see could be improved in future chapters. To the limited extent my own knowledge of writing makes me able to see such things.)

 

[windstormy]

Ooh!!! Did someone say "Vampires"?? I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally loooooooooove vampire stories!! Will have to go read...be back when I'm done--after sleep...have to sleep. Been up since 4am yesterday. It's 2am today...Eek!!!

 

[windstormy]

I hope your exams will be over soon. I'm thirsty for chapter 4. I read all three chapters and am caught in a hunger of vampiric proportions. Please, let me know when chapter 4 is posted. Send me an email or PM. I reeeeeeeeeeeally wanna read the next chapter!!!

Hungry and waiting,

 

[Elianna]

Thank you to ALL of you who have been supporting Falling into Darkness. I am working diligently on Chapter 4. I think it might get posted tomorrow or tonight if I get it edited.

Litchipking and TK, I'm trying to work in your critiques because I think they're really valid and I think they'll improve the writing. If you don't mind, I might PM you guys to see if you'd give me some feedback to see how I'm doing.

I don't really want to go with an editor at this time because I'm afraid of losing momentum in the story. I have so many stories that I start and then just let them be without having a finish for them. I think I know how this one is ending so I decided to post it.

WARNING: It's not short. But I think it's a good romance, with some good vampire magic, good sex scenes and...well we'll see.

 

[ellynei]

Looking forward to seeing it, n happy its not short, that means more to read and enjoy for us

 

[Elianna]

Well. I posted Ch4. I'm looking forward to having it torn apart. I DO love having something to work towards you know.

 

[str8upck]

just want to be able to find this thread easier when I return to Lit, I will read your story later Elianna

 

[Elianna]

Let me know what you think str8.

 

[str8upck]

Let me know what you think str8.

Will do Elianna sweetheart

 

[str8upck]

Great story

Read your story and found it gripping
the twist of the friendly Vampire in the Cave (old lab) with the poor girl very cool
I also thought the story was very well written
ok so is there anymore to this story? look forward to reading, if there is

 

[windstormy]

Well. I posted Ch4. I'm looking forward to having it torn apart. I DO love having something to work towards you know.

Keeping an eye out for it. Excited for you and to read it when it's posted.

 

[Elianna]

Read your story and found it gripping
the twist of the friendly Vampire in the Cave (old lab) with the poor girl very cool
I also thought the story was very well written
ok so is there anymore to this story? look forward to reading, if there is

Thanks, Darlin'!
I was hoping for some good critique, but... I'll wag my tail like a puppy for praise, too. I posted Ch4 on Sunday so... Maybe Sat? It's usually a week long delay.

 

[Elianna]

Okay, so there's chapter 4.

I TRIED to cut down dialogue tags and the use of pronouns, but damn it! When I read it again, I caught a whole bunch MORE that I should have gotten rid of. I think it got better in the 2nd half. Also... I had some anonymous person write me about some issues with my plot. This is my first time to really write and make it mean something. If you start seeing them, would you let me know.

Don't worry, the credit card thing is intentional... but I KNOW I'm not perfect and this story is going to be rather long so...

Any suggestions? Did I improve just a teensy bit. (I know I've got a long way to go still) Thanks all!

 

[Quesla]

Hi Elianna. I really am amazed at how well you show each character's emotions and the sounds and feelings going on in their heads! The slow recovery cut off was confusing at first, but once I caught on, it made sense to cut Anna's memory off there And bring them back into sync in the steps toward battling the vampire and alliance humans once back into the real modern world. Love it. Anxious to hear more. This is going to be a GOOG! SAGA! Love & Light: Quesla

 

[heelmark]

hi im new here n not read your story yet i do know tho that you need to mix real wi reality stories take on new meaning