Shameless grovel for feedback

[freshface]

My first story finally posted this morning. I had help from a VE/author, so what went up is much better than where I started. I'd like some other opinions. I read through it again today; there were a few sections that are pretty embarrassing in retrospect. I'd like to learn as much as possible from this experience so that the next one is better.

Any and all comments are welcome, the more detailed the better. I'd really like to know where it works and where it doesn't. You can find it at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358447

 

[sr71plt]

My first story finally posted this morning. I had help from a VE/author, so what went up is much better than where I started. I'd like some other opinions. I read through it again today; there were a few sections that are pretty embarrassing in retrospect. I'd like to learn as much as possible from this experience so that the next one is better.

Any and all comments are welcome, the more detailed the better. I'd really like to know where it works and where it doesn't. You can find it at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358447

One point of order: I'm not part of the VE program here. Just another author who you directly asked to help with a story I thought was a good one.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

If you want the opinion of a VE why didn't you post this in the Editor's Forum?

That said, as another hack, I will give you an opinion.

Generally, the story was more interesting than most. You have a good plot and developed it quite well. Your writing is pretty clean with very few "errors". I put that in quotes because soem will disagree on somethings I see as errors.

Keep writing. With this quality you will gain a following soon.

 

[freshface]

One point of order: I'm not part of the VE program here. Just another author who you directly asked to help with a story I thought was a good one.

Hmmm...If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck...You might not be part of the VE program here, but you are a talented editor. And for the record, the first draft was pretty bad before you pointed out all of the newbie mistakes I was making.

 

[windstormy]

Umm....I didn't read that the poster was asking for VE help. I read this:

I'd like some other opinions.

 

[freshface]

If you want the opinion of a VE why didn't you post this in the Editor's Forum?

Left to my own devices, I would probably edit my stories forever and never post them. This one is past the help of any more editing. No matter what I think of it, I'm leaving it alone now.

I'm looking for suggestions to make the next one better; a story feedback thread seemed like a good place.

 

[tickledkitty]

This is very well written, but I would expect no less, having sr edit for you.

Gay male is not really my cuppa tea, but I think I can appreciate a good story, regardless of subject matter. You managed to keep my attention to the end, but I felt there was something missing. Warmth, emotion...something. This is often the case when I read gay male, though, so maybe it's just me.

Aside from that, this is one of the best first efforts I've seen. Good luck with it.

 

[Snuggle Bunz]

Bravo,
You portrayed a selfcentered master, but it was apropriate. Should you take a spin on it and somehow turn him adoring, it would be interesting, still as the story stands it was quite well done.

Cudos to you for having the gusto to post your stories!

 

[sr71plt]

This is very well written, but I would expect no less, having sr edit for you.

Gay male is not really my cuppa tea, but I think I can appreciate a good story, regardless of subject matter. You managed to keep my attention to the end, but I felt there was something missing. Warmth, emotion...something. This is often the case when I read gay male, though, so maybe it's just me.

Aside from that, this is one of the best first efforts I've seen. Good luck with it.

I understand what you are saying, TP (and the emotional options were, indeed, discussed in this piece as it was being put together), and I do agree that the lack of warmth and emotion is often missing from Gay Male stories--but only as an option, I think, to appeal to a certain large segment of a particular audience.

Gay Males are essentially narcissistic at the core (and on top of that, straight males are conditioned to hold emotionalism at arm's length anyway), and the more they are narcissistic, the more they concentrate on their own experiencing and "be damned" about their partner or the larger situation/relationship. And an erotic story for many of them, therefore, focuses on the personal senses/enjoyment, sans emotionalism as much as possible. But there also is a whole bunch of GM readers who want the emotionalism too. Ergo, I try to write to both audiences--and often in entirely separate stories.

I have a whole line of high-priced male hooker stories, which take all of the emotionalism out of the experience--on purpose. I find them easy to write, because you don't have to go through all of the emotional justification preparation to having sex; everyone involved knows that's what they are there for. But you can still construct a full storyline around that.

But I try to write GM stories that are almost entirely emotion as well (e.g., my "Distant Planets" or "Honey Hollow Swimming Hole") and some that try to do a whammy on the reader (e.g., my recent "Next!" which appears to be totally wanton but that has a nasty emotional hook to it that reveals the wantonness as purely emotion based).

I don't think there, proportionally. are as many straight wantonness stories then as GM ones (there are probably more straight wantonness works--but they aren't stories, in large part, just scenes). Probably because straights, by and large, feel less comfortable about having sex just for the personal satisfaction of having sex than narcissistic GMs do.

And beyond that, to we BIs, sex is sex is sex is sex.

 

[tickledkitty]

I understand what you are saying, TP

TP I got a HUGE kick out of that! Tell me it wasn't just a typo, please.

Funny that you commented on my post, as it's kind of been waffling around my brain all afternoon. I was thinking about men being "trained" to be unemotional and gay males being narcissistic, as you said. So, if the story is about two males, written specifically for males, then I do see why the writer would forego the emotion a bit.

In thinking this all through, I've also realized it's a shortcoming of my own. I can't write pure stroke anymore because my characters become too emotionally involved with each other and I with them. It does become complicated and tiresome at times. (To me, anyway.)

I can also see in this particular story that there wasn't much room for emotion or warmth at all thus far.

You're right about straight people being less comfortable with gratuitous sex, I think. I DO fell like I have to justify everything my characters feel and do; hence, the complications and none of my stories being finished. *sigh*

I will have to check out some more of yours, I think. I want to see sr at his emotional best.

 

[Olive Hizklosoff]

Jenny, before you critique someone else's story, make sure that your own writing is flawless. Your comments are grammatically flawed and spelled incorrectly, which I will write off as typos. "Something" is one word. "Some things" would be two words, but if you read and reread your comments before you submitted them, you might have noticed your "errors." My thoughts might be spontaneous when I write a story but my submissions are carefully examined and I make every effort to correct any typos or grammatical errors. I don't make spelling mistakes!!

 

[Olive Hizklosoff]

freshface, I forget to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed your effort and I think you have a great future. I look forward to future contributions.

 

[sr71plt]

TP I got a HUGE kick out of that! Tell me it wasn't just a typo, please.

Sorry, this isn't the first time I've done that. For some reason I think of you as "Tickledpink" rather than "Tickledkitty." Maybe because we seem to have more than enough "kitties" floating around here already.

 

[tickledkitty]

Sorry, this isn't the first time I've done that. For some reason I think of you as "Tickledpink" rather than "Tickledkitty." Maybe because we seem to have more than enough "kitties" floating around here already.

Maybe because it's scouries' pet name for me.

 

[freshface]

This is very well written, but I would expect no less, having sr edit for you.

Gay male is not really my cuppa tea, but I think I can appreciate a good story, regardless of subject matter. You managed to keep my attention to the end, but I felt there was something missing. Warmth, emotion...something. This is often the case when I read gay male, though, so maybe it's just me.

Bravo,
You portrayed a selfcentered master, but it was apropriate. Should you take a spin on it and somehow turn him adoring, it would be interesting, still as the story stands it was quite well done.

Thank you for the kind comments. You're right about the lack of emotion, but I lacked the imagination to solve that one. By making the slave the sole narrator, I could really only show his feelings. Given his situation, there weren't a lot of happy emotions available.

And yes, when you listen to sr, the writing does get better.

I have a whole line of high-priced male hooker stories, which take all of the emotionalism out of the experience--on purpose. I find them easy to write, because you don't have to go through all of the emotional justification preparation to having sex; everyone involved knows that's what they are there for. But you can still construct a full storyline around that.

I can't say that I consciously knew any of this when I started writing, but the piece did end up in the male hooker line. The reader knows exactly where the story is going from the first sentence; the only mystery is how they are going to get there. I tried to aim for the seduction side of the spectrum, but everyone involved eventually knew why they were there.

Chapter 2 is not going nearly as well as Chapter 1, mostly because this chapter is about building the relationship. There's nothing inevitable about it this time. It 's also remarkably hard to write a second chapter that is as interesting as the first. I'm leaning toward making it more romantic. The master is a Top and a narcissist; I want to see if I can write a good side for his slave find. This one may spend a long time in the drawer.

Cheerfully accepting plot suggestions...

 

[wanderwonder]

sex is sex is sex is sex.

Glory Halleluja.

After mentally reviewing my own entries, I realized that both my Worst Days stories and Bunny run the lines of the male slave/bought-and-paid-for gambit. Huh.

My advice is to let the character develop itself. Usually the redeeming quality of a narcissist is the ability to care for something other than him or herself. In our fantasy lands, tenderheartedness and emotion are often more of a surprise to the person showing them than to the person on the receiving end. The Alpha wolf gets tamed, and after he adjusts to having a heart, he likes it lots, rides into the sunset with his true love, the end.

If I've had any surprises from writing GM erotica, it's that the more emotionally involved my characters become, the more positive responses I receive from women.

 

[sr71plt]

Glory Halleluja.

After mentally reviewing my own entries, I realized that both my Worst Days stories and Bunny run the lines of the male slave/bought-and-paid-for gambit. Huh.

My advice is to let the character develop itself. Usually the redeeming quality of a narcissist is the ability to care for something other than him or herself. In our fantasy lands, tenderheartedness and emotion are often more of a surprise to the person showing them than to the person on the receiving end. The Alpha wolf gets tamed, and after he adjusts to having a heart, he likes it lots, rides into the sunset with his true love, the end.

If I've had any surprises from writing GM erotica, it's that the more emotionally involved my characters become, the more positive responses I receive from women.

Yes, that twist of caring for them is a good story device. In my male hooker series here, though, I haven't used that. To me it is enough that the hooker isn't the least bit judgmental about whatever the client wants and accommodates it with humor and in the sense of providing the service paid for (and in the process keeping himself for himself). I have a twist in some of my stories, though. While rendering the service, there's sometimes a little "spit in his eye," because if the client is an overbearing bastard, my hooker picks out someone the client has under his thumb and gives him free, out-and-out enjoyed action on the side.

I know exactly what you mean about hearing from women readers more when there's emotional involvement. And that's all good too.

 

[wanderwonder]

To me it is enough that the hooker isn't the least bit judgmental about whatever the client wants and accommodates it with humor and in the sense of providing the service paid for (and in the process keeping himself for himself).

Dem hookers is jaded folk, eh boy. Much like James Bond, international manwhore.

 

[sr71plt]

Dem hookers is jaded folk, eh boy. Much like James Bond, international manwhore.

Well, international menwhores are usually paid enough to whore for their governments that they don't have to sell their bodies on the private market as well.

 

[wanderwonder]

Well, international menwhores are usually paid enough to whore for their governments that they don't have to sell their bodies on the private market as well.

So that hooker I used wasn't James Bond? He had gadgets! Damn it all!

Are you sure that the plural is "menwhores?" Not "manwhores," or "menwhore?" I am absolutely going to use that in a story. My heartiest thanks.