Pleeeazzze!

[archetype]

I know this is a lot to ask being such a big site, but do you remember when you posted your very first story? Well, I just have. It's called Ancient Wisdom and it's is in romance. So all of you experienced authors, find it in your heart to give me some feedback. Positive or negative would be much appreciated.
And friendships welcomed.

Signed, archetype

(Brit living in the US)

 

[tickledkitty]

Link to story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358019

 

[tickledkitty]

I liked the premise of this but found it a little hard to believe. This pregnant woman just went to this guy's house and drank his tea and let him have his way with her? Maybe if they'd met several times, I'd believe it.

Again, I really liked the idea of it, but the guy seemed like a perv. He took this obviously distraught pregnant woman to his home and pretty much drugged her, then fucked her in the ass. That seems a bit self-serving to me. Criminal, even. Again, I might have been ok with it if it hadn't all happened on their first meeting. I'd really have liked to see them get to know each other. Have the woman look forward to seeing him in the park, be disappointed when he's not there, have them talk about things gradually, maybe share some lunch, etc. She could gradually distance herself emotionally from the husband during this time, as well. It all happened a little too easily.

I noticed quite a few typos. Also, the wording in several places was kind of confusing. I think you could benefit from using an editor.

 

[christabelll]

Nicely Done ---- but

Hey Archetype...
I went and read your story from the link provided by Tickled.
Over all it was a nice story but the mechanix of the piece require(d) serious editing...

Stephanie was completely fed up and had had it with all of this pregnancy shit. It was her first one and had it had been a complete accident. She was already (delete)>8 (eight)-months along, (although) and it was a bit late for having regrets and second thoughts now delete. She just hadn't realized the physical and mental toll this strangely< (whats so strange about pregnancy?)condition would exact. Of course she had expected some changes in her body but not the negative effect on her self-esteem and especially her sexuality.

For on line reading its best if your paragraphs are no more than eight or nine lines long, other wise the eyes have a difficult time tracking against the flicker rate of the screen...

The potential to turn this into a great story is there... its a nice story but doesnt really invest me in it. Its a bit unrealistic in how fast she hops into bed with a complete stranger - Personally I would back up the timeline so that they meet earlier and ease into bed nearer her eigth month instead - they meet and bam they are having anal sex...particularly as its such an act of vulnerability on the part of the woman....

I would recommend finding a VE (volunteer editor) to work with. Dont let my comments stop you. Its just my personal opinion on it... Others will say more I am sure.

Good Luck... and KEEP writing - honing the craft is half the battle

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with TK's comments in general, it was a bit far-fetched to have her go along with him to his home. And I agree with her view that it was almost a date rape kind of scenario.

Seeing as he is a native from Arizona, I highly doubt he would have referred to his home as a "teepee", more likely he would have used the word "wickieup".

The first two sentences in your story were uncomfortable to read. Stephanie was completely fed up and had had it with all of this pregnancy shit. It was her first one and had it had been a complete accident.

A lot of your paragraphs are overly long, and incorrect.

Here's an example.

Stephanie was completely fed up and had had it with all of this pregnancy shit. It was her first one and had it had been a complete accident. She was already 8-months along and it was a bit late for having regrets and second thoughts now. She just hadn't realized the physical and mental toll this strange condition would exact. Of course she had expected some changes in her body but not the negative effect on her self-esteem and especially her sexuality. Her husband wasn't being of any help either He, too, had had it with her constant complaints, especially of nausea. He just wanted his slim, pretty wife back with her tiny waist and perky, stand-up tits. Quite honestly, the sight of her growing belly and heavy tits had begun to repulse him. He had never wanted the damn kid in the first place and often sought solace in more sexy, understanding women just to get away from Stephanie and have his aching groin taken care of.

This is how it should be. Once you change from her thoughts to her husband, you should have begun a new paragraph.

Stephanie was completely fed up and had had it with all of this pregnancy shit. It was her first one and had it had been a complete accident. She was already 8-months along and it was a bit late for having regrets and second thoughts now. She just hadn't realized the physical and mental toll this strange condition would exact. Of course she had expected some changes in her body but not the negative effect on her self-esteem and especially her sexuality.

Her husband wasn't being of any help either He, too, had had it with her constant complaints, especially of nausea. He just wanted his slim, pretty wife back with her tiny waist and perky, stand-up tits. Quite honestly, the sight of her growing belly and heavy tits had begun to repulse him. He had never wanted the damn kid in the first place and often sought solace in more sexy, understanding women just to get away from Stephanie and have his aching groin taken care of.

Here's another example.

He then turned his attention to her nipples themselves and began the motion of gently pinching and pulling the fat nipples in a milking action. Soon little beads of milky fluid started to drip from her now two-inch long nipples. John was quickly on them and started suckling. "She how ready you are for this baby you carry, soon you will be nurturing a brand new life." By this time the sensation between Stephanie's legs had built to a crescendo. But, there was more as he reached to take off her skirt, not even commenting on her maternity panties that Trevor had made so much fun of. He led her to the bathroom, where there were flickering candles and the aroma of the sage was made more intense by the steam of the hot water. "I put some special healing salts into the water," commented John. "I think you will like them.

It should look more like this.

He then turned his attention to her nipples themselves and began the motion of gently pinching and pulling the fat nipples in a milking action. Soon little beads of milky fluid started to drip from her now two-inch long nipples. John was quickly on them and started suckling. "She how ready you are for this baby you carry, soon you will be nurturing a brand new life."

By this time the sensation between Stephanie's legs had built to a crescendo.

But, there was more as he reached to take off her skirt, not even commenting on her maternity panties that Trevor had made so much fun of. He led her to the bathroom, where there were flickering candles and the aroma of the sage was made more intense by the steam of the hot water.

"I put some special healing salts into the water," commented John. "I think you will like them.

Your story shows some promise. I suggest you find an editor to help with the technical aspects of your writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah...I think the real problem here is Stephanie is 8 months preggers and about to pop. She barfing her guts out and has to waddle like a duck. Then she goes off and boinks some guy?

Not bloody likely. This is a guy fantasy. If you've ever been 8 months pregnant the LAST thing you think about is sex.

This just stretches my reality to the breaking point. Next time keep it real. You'll get a lot more good feedback.

 

[tickledkitty]

I dont know. I kind of like that she was feeling sexy in spite of being 8 months pregnant. I think everybody's different. I was a wild woman when I was pregnant, and pregnant sex is just...WOW! I think it's the boobs.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358019

Nice touch TK. I'll stop believing the evil rumors Marsh spreads about you.

Elle

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I go with TK. For good or bad (probably bad), pregnant women are hormonally volcanic and I don't think you come to terms with that.

 

[archetype]

From archetype

First of all, I was going to write and than each author personally for the feedback that was given on my first story. All the comments were much appreciated, noted and will be used in further submissions. Unfortunately being the computer dunce that I am, I haven't figured out how to send PM's, some error message that I have my e-mail turned "off" So, until I can figure it out, again, accept my thanks. One thing I do have to mention, purely from a research aspect, was that I have been pregnant 4 times and was a raging sex maniac up to, and after delivery. In addition, I have worked in the field of labor and delivery and found that my experience was not uncommon. Those darn hormones will get you every time! Now, will someone please be my friend, any age, sexual preference, race, religion, creed accepted.

Cheers

 

[Anna_Malia75]

First of all, I was going to write and than each author personally for the feedback that was given on my first story. All the comments were much appreciated, noted and will be used in further submissions. Unfortunately being the computer dunce that I am, I haven't figured out how to send PM's, some error message that I have my e-mail turned "off" So, until I can figure it out, again, accept my thanks. One thing I do have to mention, purely from a research aspect, was that I have been pregnant 4 times and was a raging sex maniac up to, and after delivery. In addition, I have worked in the field of labor and delivery and found that my experience was not uncommon. Those darn hormones will get you every time! Now, will someone please be my friend, any age, sexual preference, race, religion, creed accepted.

Cheers

Welcome to Lit, friend! To enable PMs, click on "User CP" up there on the left, and then, under "Settings and Options," click on "Edit Options." Then scroll down until you see a little box next to "Enable Private Messaging" and click on the box. Then send me a PM!

 

[tickledkitty]

Yeah, welcome to Lit, friend.

You don't need to worry about thanking me personally. Just keep the discussion going on the thread. That way, others can benefit from it too.

 

[Grayson_James]

Yeah...I think the real problem here is Stephanie is 8 months preggers and about to pop. She barfing her guts out and has to waddle like a duck. Then she goes off and boinks some guy?

Not bloody likely. This is a guy fantasy. If you've ever been 8 months pregnant the LAST thing you think about is sex.

This just stretches my reality to the breaking point. Next time keep it real. You'll get a lot more good feedback.

No, it is not. My wife is 8 months Pregnant and it is not even slightly a fantasy for me. However, she is horny as hell and pissed at me that I just can't seem to get it doen right now!

 

[tickledkitty]

No, it is not. My wife is 8 months Pregnant and it is not even slightly a fantasy for me. However, she is horny as hell and pissed at me that I just can't seem to get it doen right now!

Too bad you aren't inclined to take advantage of that. She might not want you at all for a while after the baby comes, especially if she's breastfeeding.

 

[Grayson_James]

I know and it is a concern. I've tried, it isn't as if I don't love her, I just seem to be one of thos escumbag, shitty husbands who can;t seem to manage sex with his VERY pregnant wife. Trust me when I say how much I am disappointed in myself over this fact.

 

[archetype]

For Grayson

Dear Grayson:

As mentioned before, being quite experienced in the area of pregnancy and sexuality, please LMK if there is anything I can do to be of help to your situation. Trust me, it's not uncommon, but labelling yourself negatively is not perhaps to best way to start addressing the issues. Of course, if sex was an problem before the pregnancy, then you have got a lot of work to do. Share anything you feel comfortable with and maybe others could get into this thread and help you and your partner out.

 

[Grayson_James]

Well, I do appreciate that and it is very kind. My wife and I had fantastic sex right up until six months. At that point, I would just start thinking to much. We are gonna be just fine once the baby is born I am sure. I married a great woman. Tall, leggy, phenomenally slutty (in that good way you want a wife to be)! LOL

Thanks

 

[archetype]

Mind Bending

Dear Grayson:

Thinking about your wife as the mother of your child and also a slut at the same time could course quite a conundrum! For myself, having quite a schizoid personality, it was no problem. As for my husband, I am very direct and explicit in verbalizing my needs which I fortunately was able to retain through pregnancy, so he had no problem fulfilling my needs. Finally we both have backgrounds in health care so neither one of us is squeamish. However, I do validate your feelings. It sounds like you are quite positive about the future, so good luck.

 

[ellynei]

back to the story

i feel that what goes on from the moment john says "Come with me." and they leave the bench. Is unrealistic and rather icky until the point she leaves his home again.

Buuuut I do believe icky perv vibes and sense of unrealism can be removed easier than having em date multiple times.

First if it's made clear in the story prior to bench sitting that the dear pregnant lady is aware that her man is cheating on her. (When I read it I didnt get the impression she knew about it). And pick up the description of her own sexual frustrations a notch. Then the scenario of going nuts with the first goodlooking guy she can get her hands on would seem more realistic?

Secondly John's advances are a bit fast. Does make him appear a bit pervy. Maybe give a few hints of why he chose such a strong approach? Maybe even have the lady make some approaches too?

Don't take my suggestions too seriously, I'm a noobie writer myself. ( I fear even making such direct suggestions to story line is breaking the more or less unspoken rules of what one is allowed to even suggest to a writer. )


Now to what I like about your story: From start till the point where he says "come with me" you really had me. I enjoyed it all felt like a good story. Really felt i got a good lock into her perils and life and looked forward to know more.

-from "come with me" to where she left John's house you lost me again.-

The following paragraph on how she left her man, i liked it. It was descriptive without being excessive. (Wish I could learn that myself.) However that paragraph would be more effective if cut up a bit I think. (Line changes when her man starts talking to her mid-paragraph for instance.)

But the rest of it you lost me again it's like you are suddenly in a big rush to round up the story. Like it's a different writing style than the intro was.


I'm a newbie myself, and in over my head trying to give feedback to others. But considering how happy I'd be to get honest thorough feedback even just from another newbie. I thought risking my own hide was the best course of action.

I hope it brings you something good rather than something bad.

 

[windstormy]

Now, will someone please be my friend, any age, sexual preference, race, religion, creed accepted.

Hey there, hon. *waves hand vigorously* WindStormy here. Most know me as Billy. Did you get the PM to work for ya?

 

[robertreams]

Get an editor. Lots of typos. Also too repetitive. I Finally found a sentence in which you did not use the word,"and", but you compensated by using it three times in the following senetnce. Your tremendous overuse of this connective, which , actually should only be used to join two or more things or ideas of equal value, should set off alarms that you are writing run-ons.

She reached the park and realized that she needed to sit down, angry yet again that her body was betraying her and not allowing her to hit the gym hard every day. She sat on a bench and watched young children at play and moms walk past with infants in strollers.

Reaching the park, she needed (or realized she needed) to sit, angry yet again at her body for betraying her by not allowing her to hit the gym hard daily. She sat on a bench, watching young children at play and moms pushing infants in strollers.

 

[Hypoxia]

Hey Bob, this thread has been dead for six years and so has the OP (hasn't posted since 2008). You might want to sit down, have a nice cup of herbal tea, relax...