Feedback request: dchapleaux

[dchapleaux]

I would like to ask for some feedback as I have received few public or private comments on my stories thus far. I have a 5 part story coming up, and want to know if my writing is of interest to anyone. Below you will find a link to my author profile. Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=951068&page=submissions

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi and welcome.

I've had a quick pass through what you have posted and my general comment is that you can write but you are locked into a stereotype that doesn't win much favor with readers.

Songs and poems can take 2nd person POV but it is usually death to a written story because you exclude the reader as voyeur. If writing an essay or 'how To', it's fine because 'I' the writer, am addressing 'you', the reader. In fiction it doesn't often work because we want to be at the center of things and if 'you' is not my sex, readers turn off. There is a story on Lit, 'Shopping at Walmart by Glynndah that is one of the very few examples of how to make second person work.

First person POV is difficult because it limits the writer to the thoughts, feelings and awareness of only one character. Not as difficult as 2nd person but you should think hard why you choose it. Yes, it works really well in stories where a girl wants to talk about her sex life or exhibitionism, but you must be ready to give lots of emotion and inner feeling to choose this route.

Us second-rate hacks go the easy way to get reads and comments and use third person. You are forced to give some explanation of who John Doe and Jane are - so readers can decide to like or loathe them. Readers are there in the middle, hiding under the table as we watch John's shaft sink into Jane's puffy pussy.

Your posts are short which means you develop no plot - it is always just a vignette of a sex scene - even your 3-parter is really 3 seperate sex scenes. And the problem with the 1st/2nd POV is that your stories become a monologue. There is a well worn cliché for writers, 'show don't tell' which means avoid the play-by-play descriptions and use dialogue, the 5 senses and events to show what is happening.

Sorry for going on a bit but I think you can do well if you look at things through a reader's eyes.

Good luck.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I read One Night of Lust. Sorry, but it's not really a story. It's more of a snippet. I have no idea at the end who "I" and "She" is. You lack both character and plot development. Your story: I get off the plane. Kiss her. We go out. We come back. We fuck.

Where is the tension? Where is the story? This is more like a piece out of a story, not really a story at all.

The second thing that really struck me - your paragraphs appear to my reader's eye to be "rubber stamped." Every one is 5 to 7 screen lines long. You need to mix up longer paragraphs with short ones. It's lots easier on the eyes.

Finally, you lack dialogue. You are "TELLING" the story. Let your characters talk. They will "SHOW" the story. It's a lot more interesting. Elle is right here. First Person POV is a killer. "You" are doing everything. What is "she" thinking? First Person POV makes that impossible to show your readers.

Keep working. You'll get it.

 

[litchipking]

Good and Bad

Hi dchapleaux,

I took a look at One Night of Lust. The first thing I want to say is that you can write. Your sentence structure, grammar and word choice show that you have the raw talent to tell a story. The progression of One Night . . . shows that you can move a reader through your action. I didn’t, however, enjoy your story.

First, I agree with Elfin that the 2nd person POV is difficult and limiting and, for me, very off-putting. Honestly, I admit that I would not have continued reading your story had I not gone there at your request. I generally close down a 2nd person story as soon as I open it.

Jenny rightfully points out your lack of character development. I can only guess that your intent was to write a story without detail that the reader could insert themselves into. This approach may reach a few readers but will drive away most. Personally, I need to “feel” a character before I care enough about what happens to them.

Finally, your dialogue - where is it? Dialogue is not only a better tool for exposition and moving your story along, but also gives the reader a glimpse into your characters. It can give your sex scenes an added boost as well.

Keep writing, dchapleaux. I look forward to your next story.

Chip

 

[Guest]

Keeping it brief, I agree with all the comments above--including your skills and your ability to tell a story.

One personal preference that I'll share, and one that, in my mind, detracts from your storytelling, is your use of the present tense. I think that some authors believe it adds a sense of realism or perhaps urgency. I've never found it so and steer clear of it in my own writing. I realize that others may disagree.

Good luck, and keep writing!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Keeping it brief, I agree with all the comments above--including your skills and your ability to tell a story.

One personal preference that I'll share, and one that, in my mind, detracts from your storytelling, is your use of the present tense. I think that some authors believe it adds a sense of realism or perhaps urgency. I've never found it so and steer clear of it in my own writing. I realize that others may disagree.

Good luck, and keep writing!

I agree with Gnome (and Jenny though she was less helpful than usual).

The standard story is in 3rd person and in past tense. Dickens, Hemingway and Twain settled for that - I just know sr's going to arrive and say the rules are there to be torn up. Sure, for geniuses, but I haven't met one here yet, just good storytellers.

Thinking again, you could write good stories if you wrote for a reader and not yourself.

That's not a put-down, just put yourself in the mind of a reader, or get some beta-readers.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read Backseat Lust.

I agree with the comments of Elle, and Jenny. I found the second person POV uncomfortable to read. I think it would have been better told in third, or first person.

As we often say around here, show us, don't tell us. Use your characters to tell the story. When the narrator just tells the story, the characters seem like cardboard cutouts.

You have talent, now use it and show us what you can really do.

 

[dchapleaux]

I want to take a moment to thank you all for your input into my writing. I am very happy to see these forums are made up of responsible and useful critics, whereas often sites dedicated to this style of writing have almost no maturity or care of being respectful. Also, the compliments on my ability to write are very welcome.

I know, and knew before my first posting, that my perspective was not a popular one. A friend of mine is a paid writer in this market, and I had him read over a story or two. I would like to think I am improving in my writing from my earliest stories and my latest ones, though they are all mixed up in the posting on here.

I am working on a new story, one that will be from the more favored third person perspective. I am finding it difficult, but any great skill should not be easy to learn, I feel. I hope you will all feel welcome to respond to new stories as they are posted. I have a number of other stories planned, and while some of them will be the same perspective I am using now, I will continue to try different perspectives.

I would like some thoughts on the 5 part group sex story I am working on now, with the first 3 parts already up. Thanks again!