Dominants, when taking control doesn’t feel right.

[volvin]

I am Frustrated, because I see it coming yet it happens all the same. As a Dominant to my girl I am use to taking control of a situation at the least in terms of her emotions, what does that amount too. Most of the time just making her count to 10 and star in to my eyes if she is damn pissed off it calms her down and lets her think better so she admits her self (I do not treat her as a child counting to 10 is great wish I could do it). What is egging the hell out of me right now is my own sense of.. Honor? Pride? I don’t know what you would call it here is what happened (sadly not the first time).

My sub asked me to do something so it was ready when she got home I did it but I didn’t do it right so it was not ready, needless to say to was upset when she got home. now am the first to admit when am wrong (most of the time) so I apologized but it pretty much ruined are afternoon we were short with each other for the rest of the night are talk becoming pretty heated at times. Everyone has fights it just happens BUT the big thing here is the whole time I knew with out a doubt I easily calm her down and make her accept my apologia and then make up. ( do not view this in the wrong light I have the upmost respect for her but this is are relationship and these habits formed over time) yet I could not do that because it was I who did the wrong so I did nothing take control of the situation as I didn’t feel justified in doing so but because I sat there are talks became more and more heated as we both felt further and further from the roles we both love.


My question goes to all the dominants out there have you ever held back your dominance over your lover in smoothing out a situation because you knew you were at fault?

PS forgive my grammar I know its not the best
also how do i make the title text bold?

 

[YourCaptor]

Hmm, with the girlfriend I was always dominant. When things spiraled out of control I would stop everything, make time rite there and then, and do one of those structured talk things, like the conch shell in lord of the flies sort of thing.

The rules of that are, take some time to think about what you are going to say first, then say it. Then the other person repeats back what they heard in their own words. If the understanding is falls, then the first person needs to try to express it in a different way. Also, no words like “you”, “I”, and so forth.

In arguments like this, often all those little things that have been annoying you all spill out. I think its called the “kitchen sink” phenomenon. When that happens you need to isolate the current issue if necessary, or talk about your relationship and how each person feels.

Their where of course times when the flaw was with me, so admit to it, apologies, change whatever it is if you can, make up for it if possible to get her mood turned around. Mistakes happen, don’t let them escalate.

Or you could go the angry sex rout, which can be a fun way to settle things.

 

[volvin]

Hmm, with the girlfriend I was always dominant. When things spiraled out of control I would stop everything, make time rite there and then, and do one of those structured talk things, like the conch shell in lord of the flies sort of thing.

The rules of that are, take some time to think about what you are going to say first, then say it. Then the other person repeats back what they heard in their own words. If the understanding is falls, then the first person needs to try to express it in a different way. Also, no words like “you”, “I”, and so forth.

In arguments like this, often all those little things that have been annoying you all spill out. I think its called the “kitchen sink” phenomenon. When that happens you need to isolate the current issue if necessary, or talk about your relationship and how each person feels.

Their where of course times when the flaw was with me, so admit to it, apologies, change whatever it is if you can, make up for it if possible to get her mood turned around. Mistakes happen, don’t let them escalate.

Or you could go the angry sex rout, which can be a fun way to settle things.

Angry sex rout got it! wait..

Thanks for your input

My thought is i feel a wi bit guilty for setting right something i started even if it had become way more then that and ya the Kitchen sink phenomenon rings a sound bell

 

[Homburg]

Depends on your dynamic. I am the first guy to admit I'm wrong, but even when I'm wrong I will only tolerate but so much guff. It's not out of some stupid "Ur, dom is always right" thing, but simply one of basic respect due in a power exchange relationship. Civil tongues will be kept, period. As a result, I have no qualms about telling her to calm down, and expecting her to do so.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Depends on your dynamic. I am the first guy to admit I'm wrong, but even when I'm wrong I will only tolerate but so much guff. It's not out of some stupid "Ur, dom is always right" thing, but simply one of basic respect due in a power exchange relationship. Civil tongues will be kept, period. As a result, I have no qualms about telling her to calm down, and expecting her to do so.

This is pretty much Master's approach. Our dynamic is slightly different in that I am now a slave so, although I can say 'please would you do X?' before I go out, whether it's done when I get back is entirely up to him. That's not to say he doesn't pull his weight. Master does his fair share but it's always on his own terms. Because of this, I would not complain or lose my temper and he would not put up with protracted nagging from me.

We do have open discussions in a 'conch shell' fashion like YourCaptor described. I still operate within the bounds of my role and maintain my politeness and respect but I can talk a little more freely because these are the times when he wants to know what's going on in my head and I have no right to deny him that.

It is actually in my contract that I can't raise my voice or swear at him. Pesky Doms and their fine print.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I have fucked up in that area myself....

The thing to do is, take that control.. you apologized... now go from there...

 

[volvin]

I have fucked up in that area myself....

The thing to do is, take that control.. you apologized... now go from there...

In hindsight it only makes the situation worse but not taking control as is… normal.

 

[Netzach]

Can you help her with the repurcussions of your thing not being ready?

Apologies are OK, making some kind of restitution is where one needs to have gonads.

I *often* back down and I'm often wrong. But I also problem-solve most of my fuck ups. I don't do the "respectful tone come hell or high water" thing because I myself can't swear to that, and I want a human as a husband not a professional subordinate, and a human will hopefully have passionate responses to things, good as well as bad. I'm not going to clip all the low notes out of the symphony. I'm just not going to take them all personally.

When I feel like I'm not being respected and the airing of grievance has gotten one-sided I control the situation by controlling *my* behavior. It's often a good time for a time out "Dude, I'm not doing this as a fuck you or a punishment, but I'm taking a half hour walk now, I've heard what you said."

You don't deserve to be yelled at all night, most likely, but "I'm really sorry" may not be putting bread on the table in this case - maybe you really need to problem-solve the result of your mistake *with* her and the real issue is she feels like she's got to cover this one alone. Also don 't expect perfect trust when you can't hold up your end of the bargain - remember that her life may literally *depend* on you saying "I'm going to do X" and doing it. So these things tend to have bigger implications.

 

[EmpressFi]

Can you help her with the repurcussions of your thing not being ready?

Apologies are OK, making some kind of restitution is where one needs to have gonads.

I *often* back down and I'm often wrong. But I also problem-solve most of my fuck ups. I don't do the "respectful tone come hell or high water" thing because I myself can't swear to that, and I want a human as a husband not a professional subordinate, and a human will hopefully have passionate responses to things, good as well as bad. I'm not going to clip all the low notes out of the symphony. I'm just not going to take them all personally.

When I feel like I'm not being respected and the airing of grievance has gotten one-sided I control the situation by controlling *my* behavior. It's often a good time for a time out "Dude, I'm not doing this as a fuck you or a punishment, but I'm taking a half hour walk now, I've heard what you said."


You don't deserve to be yelled at all night, most likely, but "I'm really sorry" may not be putting bread on the table in this case - maybe you really need to problem-solve the result of your mistake *with* her and the real issue is she feels like she's got to cover this one alone. Also don 't expect perfect trust when you can't hold up your end of the bargain - remember that her life may literally *depend* on you saying "I'm going to do X" and doing it. So these things tend to have bigger implications.

I think I'm in love..

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to go with Netzach on this one. It is fine and dandy to kid yourself you can control another's emotions as in ordering them not to be upset or emotional, but in reality you cannot control how another feels, only deal with it in the best way you feel is possible. Ordering someone how to feel is only going to result in them shutting down parts of themselves in front of you and build resentment, with the usual eventual result of the relationship deteriorating into a role play, or ending altogether. There is a lot to be said for a Dominant who can admit they are not perfect and can makes mistakes, and then taking responsibility for their mistakes instead of expecting it to be excused because they are in the position of Dominant. It is life..no matter how much someone feels they are dominant, they are at the end of the day still only human with the same potential to get it wrong at times.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3124/2347648485_5ee5a93d8e_t.jpg Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I think I'm in love..

Yup. I'm slightly obsessed with self control in Dominants. I'm also a fan of the kind of D/s relationship where the D sets the down and the s follows suit, rather than, here is a list of rules. Hey, whatever floats your boat, as always, but that's what seems to float mine.

 

[Homburg]

Shit, I don't expect respectful tone 24/7 either. Like I said above, when it gets beyond that point it is time to calm down. But I just don't tolerate it past that point.

viv gets all kinds of stroppy with me, sarcastic, jokey, picks on me, pokes fun, etc. I don't see out dynamic as a reason to squash her humanity. But I just won't take guff for too long. Then again, I wouldn't before we wer ein a declared power exchange, so it's really not that different.

Then again, someone that knows me would probably make the observation that I don't take too much lip from anyone. It's just how I am.

 

[Netzach]

Shit, I don't expect respectful tone 24/7 either. Like I said above, when it gets beyond that point it is time to calm down. But I just don't tolerate it past that point.

viv gets all kinds of stroppy with me, sarcastic, jokey, picks on me, pokes fun, etc. I don't see out dynamic as a reason to squash her humanity. But I just won't take guff for too long. Then again, I wouldn't before we wer ein a declared power exchange, so it's really not that different.

Then again, someone that knows me would probably make the observation that I don't take too much lip from anyone. It's just how I am.

What do you do when you know it's totally deserved?

 

[volvin]

Have to go with Netzach on this one. It is fine and dandy to kid yourself you can control another's emotions as in ordering them not to be upset or emotional, but in reality you cannot control how another feels, only deal with it in the best way you feel is possible. Ordering someone how to feel is only going to result in them shutting down parts of themselves in front of you and build resentment, with the usual eventual result of the relationship deteriorating into a role play, or ending altogether. There is a lot to be said for a Dominant who can admit they are not perfect and can makes mistakes, and then taking responsibility for their mistakes instead of expecting it to be excused because they are in the position of Dominant. It is life..no matter how much someone feels they are dominant, they are at the end of the day still only human with the same potential to get it wrong at times.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3124/2347648485_5ee5a93d8e_t.jpg Catalina

I don’t mean I control her emotions only that by allowing her to treat me in a way we both agreed we would not treat each other (if she does it I punish her and yes she is great full for that Stability as she puts it) so at this point a simple argument over something minor gets out of control we are no longer upset over that we are upset that we are each acting like this and no one sets it right. I don’t expect her to be submissive to me 24 hours a day I go crazy but we treat each other with respect.

It’s only because I see my self at fault that I hesitate which is bad for both of us.

I don’t try to control her emotions just be there for her to the best of my ablity as you said

The point I guess is when she fucks up I get to spank her little ass.. Well I get to do that anyway but there is a Emotional “you messed up” message attached to it. For me if I fuck up I say.. Sorry

… I will get her some flowers and a new Bowling ball..

 

[volvin]

Shit, I don't expect respectful tone 24/7 either. Like I said above, when it gets beyond that point it is time to calm down. But I just don't tolerate it past that point.

viv gets all kinds of stroppy with me, sarcastic, jokey, picks on me, pokes fun, etc. I don't see out dynamic as a reason to squash her humanity. But I just won't take guff for too long. Then again, I wouldn't before we wer ein a declared power exchange, so it's really not that different.

Then again, someone that knows me would probably make the observation that I don't take too much lip from anyone. It's just how I am.

Everyone Tolerance has limits but do you let it go further then you normaly would if you know its your fault?

 

[volvin]

Can you help her with the repurcussions of your thing not being ready?

Apologies are OK, making some kind of restitution is where one needs to have gonads.

I *often* back down and I'm often wrong. But I also problem-solve most of my fuck ups. I don't do the "respectful tone come hell or high water" thing because I myself can't swear to that, and I want a human as a husband not a professional subordinate, and a human will hopefully have passionate responses to things, good as well as bad. I'm not going to clip all the low notes out of the symphony. I'm just not going to take them all personally.

When I feel like I'm not being respected and the airing of grievance has gotten one-sided I control the situation by controlling *my* behavior. It's often a good time for a time out "Dude, I'm not doing this as a fuck you or a punishment, but I'm taking a half hour walk now, I've heard what you said."

You don't deserve to be yelled at all night, most likely, but "I'm really sorry" may not be putting bread on the table in this case - maybe you really need to problem-solve the result of your mistake *with* her and the real issue is she feels like she's got to cover this one alone. Also don 't expect perfect trust when you can't hold up your end of the bargain - remember that her life may literally *depend* on you saying "I'm going to do X" and doing it. So these things tend to have bigger implications.

Am sorry is not a word I like to often more so since I go in for punishment as a form of Stability

Don’t get me wrong but I like the options it provides.. From 2 frustrated people to one weepy eyed girl in my lap letting me hug her and tell her what a good girl she is. More then a small part of me loves how quick this can happen where if for some reason I feel I fucked up somewhere I tent to Brood over it for a few days.

 

[Homburg]

What do you do when you know it's totally deserved?

Suck it up. When it is totally deserved I take my lumps. It's actually surprised more than one employer, as I don't shirk repsonsibility for my fuck-ups. The times when I've really deserved a castigation from my gal, I've taken it, and tried to fix the problem in a manner that makes up for it. Same with my friends.

----

Everyone Tolerance has limits but do you let it go further then you normaly would if you know its your fault?

Yes, quite a bit. This does not imply that I allow her to rant on and on, but that I do take more than I normally would.

Regardless of the power dynamic, we're two people. The "rules" are not etched in steel.