One Little World

[The_Fractal_King]

People seem to be liking this series overall but I'm wondering about what other authors think of it and any technical criticisms you might have.

It's a light D/s story.

One Little World Ch. 1
One Little World Ch. 2
And so on.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, and congrats on posting. It's a lovely feeling to see your first story appear.

Overall I enjoyed the light touch and an agrophobic master is a neat idea. Think you may have telegraphed a bit where this is going but as long as you put some plot twists on the way it should be OK.

IMO, there is a problem with plot structure. I understand you are deliberately going slowly and want to explore mindsets, but I find the pace too slow and the lack of characterization and the enigmas a bit of a put-off.

You use a lot of dialogue, which is good, but often it is a bit flat and is just a series of statements without enough depth.

I am no expert, but I read a fair bit of BDSM. What is troubling me is that I can't feel the power exchange here or the depth of mutual feeling. James keeps backing off and Shanon has no character. We readers demand a faster insight into the dynamics of the story. In six chapters, you haven't progressed all that much.

Ellipses, those 3 little dots, really mean an unfinished thought and not a pause. You do overdo them at times. Also, it is not easy for the reader when you try to get staccato into your dialogue with faux stammering and overuse of dashes. There is a lack of proofreading in general - repeated words, typos and punctuation points. If you don't have the time to proof, get someone else to edit for you.

Despite all that, I think it's pretty promising. Just remember that readers just see what's in black and white and not the swirling colors in your imagination.

Please tell us what Shanon is thinking. She is just a cardboard cutout at the moment.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I'd like to join Elle in welcoming you here.

I don't read BDSM, and personally don't care for it.

I only read the first chapter. As Elle has pointed out, you overused, and misused the ellipsis to the point that I found it distracting.

Also, maybe it's because I'm not into BDSM, but I found the repeated reference to Shannon as "pet" overdone.

I agree with her that your characters are two dimensional. I didn't feel anything towards either of them. At the end of the first chapter there's nothing there to make me want to read on.

Good luck with the rest of your series.

 

[Quesla]

Elipses is an unfinished thought." What do you use for the pauses like a pregnant pause? Quesla, who is gathering punction schooling to try to incorporate in her own personal Sci-fi Enchorcia's Children Stellor Zephyrian's story that is still stored away on floppy. Quesla Love & Light

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Elipses is an unfinished thought." What do you use for the pauses like a pregnant pause? Quesla, who is gathering punction schooling to try to incorporate in her own personal Sci-fi Enchorcia's Children Stellor Zephyrian's story that is still stored away on floppy. Quesla Love & Light

Ellipses can be used to show a pregnant pause. In entirely written literature it is less common than in something like a graphic novel because the author is expected to be describing the action. As was noted I like dialogue, I felt that using ellipses to show the pause interfered with the flow of speech less than intergected narration.

However if they are used that way 16 times in less than half a page (which I did) it looks incredibly silly.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Elipses is an unfinished thought." What do you use for the pauses like a pregnant pause? Quesla, who is gathering punction schooling to try to incorporate in her own personal Sci-fi Enchorcia's Children Stellor Zephyrian's story that is still stored away on floppy. Quesla Love & Light

The em dash is used to show a pause.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Ellipses can be used to show a pregnant pause. In entirely written literature it is less common than in something like a graphic novel because the author is expected to be describing the action. As was noted I like dialogue, I felt that using ellipses to show the pause interfered with the flow of speech less than intergected narration.

However if they are used that way 16 times in less than half a page (which I did) it looks incredibly silly.

Yes, some grammar manuals state it is okay to use an ellipsis for a pause. SR71plt will surely give us the wisdom of his Chicago Manual of Style.

In my opinion, the ellipsis should only be used to show an incomplete thought, or statement, and like salt in the soup, should be used sparingly.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I thought the ellipses were perfect at conveying the awkwardness of the initial meeting between James and Shanon. I don't know if it's grammatically correct but I did get the feel of two people skirting around what they wanted to talk about.

I also found the 'pet' thing annoying, but that could just be a quirk of the character.

I didn't really get a handle on Shanon. Letting a person anywhere near you with a knife seems a little too trusting for a first session. I'm not very experienced in this area so I might just be wrong.

I also stopped at the first chapter, but that was also more of a preference thing as I prefer female dommes.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Thank you all so much for your input.