Need advice to help my wife

[DanielOC]

Hi everyone, I've got a situation that I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice on. My wife is currently deployed overseas and has been gone for about 4 months. She has a very high sex drive and it has been driving her nuts going without sex. She's told me that she has been masturbating multiple times daily. We don't really get to cyber or have phone sex due to the 13 hour time difference. Ok, thats the first half of this equation.

The other part of this is that my wife has issues with suppressing her bisexual feelings. I don't say that because I want her to be bisexual and projecting on her something she isn't; she has on several occasions confessed her desire to be with another woman. But it has always been a taboo subject for her and she very rarely will talk to me about it. This has been on going for over 4 years now. Well about 6 months ago she made a friend online who happens to be a lesbian. They really hit it off and she talks to her almost more then she talks to me. (which is fine, I'm not making a complaint) Here is where it comes together.

Since my wifes been gone she has been talking with her lesbian friend allot and I know that she opens up to her way more then she does me about her desires. Well she called me a couple weeks back and said she was feeling guilty and needed to tell me something. I had no idea what she talking about so I just listened. Well she told that one night she had been having cyber sex with her friend and that they got on web cams they masturbated together, watching each other. She was clearly feeling like she did something wrong. My reaction was to tell her I was totally fine with it and that I thought it was good she was opening up and expressing her deep inner feelings. Apparently this was not what she wanted to hear and she kept harping on how it was wrong I should not be encouraging her. She wanted me to be telling her it was wrong and I never wanted her doing it again. So after that she really clammed up and now she won't even talk about the situation on any level.

So I am at a loss here. I think its clear that she is dealing with a deep inner conflict and she is unwilling to talk to me about it. I just want to help her feel comfortable with who she is, whatever that may be. Any thoughts on what if anything I could be doing to help her?

 

[DanielOC]

43 views and no advice?

 

[valen1971]

Have you suggested a look at this forum to your wife? It seems that you're right that she is struggling with a deep inner conflict. I got a lot of good advice from the members of this forum and it allowed me to act on my bicuriosity so it could help her. Part of your wife's problem might be that she feels that she is betraying you or she may believe that indulging her repressed lesbian tendencies may be so overpowering an experience that it could effect your marriage. In the first instance it may take a lot of convincing on your part once you can get her to open up again and it may require a third party to negotiate that opening up process (preferably someone who is not involved in the current situation). In the second instance it may be something that cannot be sorted as it is a completely unknown variable until the desire becomes a reality and by then the damage could already be done.

I'm sorry if this isn't much help but I thought I'd at least give you my perspective. If it has helped or if you want more support PM me.

 

[DanielOC]

Have you suggested a look at this forum to your wife? It seems that you're right that she is struggling with a deep inner conflict. I got a lot of good advice from the members of this forum and it allowed me to act on my bicuriosity so it could help her. Part of your wife's problem might be that she feels that she is betraying you or she may believe that indulging her repressed lesbian tendencies may be so overpowering an experience that it could effect your marriage. In the first instance it may take a lot of convincing on your part once you can get her to open up again and it may require a third party to negotiate that opening up process (preferably someone who is not involved in the current situation. In the second instance it may be something that cannot be sorted as it is a completely unknown variable until the desire becomes a reality and by then the damage could already be done.

I'm sorry if this isn't much help but I thought I'd at least give you my perspective. If it has helped or if you want more support PM me.

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Always appreciated. I think there is allot of inner guilt involved. She was raised in a very strict religious family thats thinks all gays/lesbians/bi's are doomed to hell. So she may feel like she's being a "sinner" when she indulges her fantasies, idk. It would be so much easier to get a grip on this if she would just talk to me about it.

 

[valen1971]

Religion can cause more problems than it solves as this situation clearly shows. Fighting that sort of upbringing can be extremely hard (sorry to sound like the harbinger of doom) as it can be seen as a kind of brainwashing. I was in group therapy once with a gay guy who had much the same problem. Unfortunately, I can't give any advice based on his experience as he left the group quite quickly having moved from the area.

 

[DanielOC]

Religion can cause more problems than it solves as this situation clearly shows. Fighting that sort of upbringing can be extremely hard (sorry to sound like the harbinger of doom) as it can be seen as a kind of brainwashing. I was in group therapy once with a gay guy who had much the same problem. Unfortunately, I can't give any advice based on his experience as he left the group quite quickly having moved from the area.

I agree and if thats her issue then it might be a problem we can never solve. I hope thats not the case. I've never seen her as sexually satisfied as she was on those few rare occasions she actually opened up and brought her fantasies into the bed room. Its like when she admits her girl/girl desires her sex drive gets cranked up to 11. Too bad I count those occasions on one hand.

 

[valen1971]

You really need to get your wife to come onto this forum to open up to someone not involved. Tell her about the forum, tell her that she can make up her own account to which you will have no details so she can open up knowing that you will not know who she's talking to or what her online identity is. Then just be there for her. It's true that you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. All you can do is give her the tools to help herself and hope she uses them. Suppressing part of her personality can only lead to trouble something a lot of reluctant bicurious people can sympathise with. I realise now that I have always been bisexual and I had been suppressing it for years but when I finally submitted to my desires I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I regret not letting my bi side out earlier. So many wasted years, so much pain I could have avoided...

 

[DanielOC]

You really need to get your wife to come onto this forum to open up to someone not involved. Tell her about the forum, tell her that she can make up her own account to which you will have no details so she can open up knowing that you will not know who she's talking to or what her online identity is. Then just be there for her. It's true that you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. All you can do is give her the tools to help herself and hope she uses them. Suppressing part of her personality can only lead to trouble something a lot of reluctant bicurious people can sympathise with. I realise now that I have always been bisexual and I had been suppressing it for years but when I finally submitted to my desires I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I regret not letting my bi side out earlier. So many wasted years, so much pain I could have avoided...

You and me both. I have been hiding my bisexual desires from my wife for a long time now. Part of the reason I wish she could come to term with her own bi desires is that if she did she might be willing to accept mine. Btw, this friday I am hoping for my first bi experience!

 

[valen1971]

Good luck with both situations. I hope your first bi experience is as good as mine turned out to be!

 

[DanielOC]

Good luck with both situations. I hope your first bi experience is as good as mine turned out to be!

Me too! This week is just crawling by. I want Friday to come so bad! lol

 

[valen1971]

Me too! This week is just crawling by. I want Friday to come so bad! lol

...and you and your guy to cum sooooo good!

 

[DanielOC]

...and you and your guy to cum sooooo good!

Well I sure hope so! lol

 

[valen1971]

Back to the point, I think...

Have you thought that revealing your own bi tendencies may give you a shared bond that might help your wife open up to you? I know it'll be a delicate matter to discuss with her but it might just help...

 

[DanielOC]

Have you thought that revealing your own bi tendencies may give you a shared bond that might help your wife open up to you? I know it'll be a delicate matter to discuss with her but it might just help...

I have given this a very heavy amount of thought. It could be just the thing to bring us together on this or it could freak her out and push her away. I have not decided yet how or when (or if) I will tell her about my own bisexuality.

 

[valen1971]

On this matter I can't really advice, however, revealing your bisexuality could show how much you trust her and understand the pain she is going through. It isn't without risk though - as you so rightly pointed out.

 

[eXplorer63]

May I suggest not trying to push her about the subject until she returns home and you can talk face to face rather than it seeming a confrontation over the phone/online?

She may be harbouring feelings of guilt at not only her religious upbringing but also that she has cheated on you and I imagine her reaction confirms that from what you said and that rather than scolding her as she expected, you embraced it. She needs to know on a face to face level (once she's home and comfortable talking about it) your feelings on it and ask her opinon and why she reacted that way.

Perhaps some reassuring of your tendencies could help her but tread carefully because while you're happy to allow her to indulge in bisexual activity and be glad to do so yourself, she may not feel that way and that could cause a whole new problem.

Good luck though

 

[valen1971]

Well said!

 

[DanielOC]

Perhaps some reassuring of your tendencies could help her but tread carefully because while you're happy to allow her to indulge in bisexual activity and be glad to do so yourself, she may not feel that way and that could cause a whole new problem.

You nailed it dead on. That is why I won't even consider bringing up my own bisexuality until she is settled back in at home. And even then, I will need to do it at the right moment. Hopefully at a time she is feeling open.

 

[DanielOC]

There are a couple issues from my wifes child hood that may or may not be a factor in all this. You see when she was just a preteen she was sexually molested by her 18 year old female baby sitter. The weird thing is, every time I've ever gotten her talk about it (not often) she makes it sound like it was not a bad thing. I'm no psychologist so I can't say for sure if that might be playing a part in all this.

 

[valen1971]

That does complicate matters. Becoming sexualised at such an early age can have a detrimental effect on the developing personality even though your wife would have been in the latency period when the event occurred. It really depends on whether your wife's personality was forming at the right speed at the time of the event...and with her harsh upbringing causing problems of its own...

 

[DanielOC]

That does complicate matters. Becoming sexualised at such an early age can have a detrimental effect on the developing personality even though your wife would have been in the latency period when the event occurred. It really depends on whether your wife's personality was forming at the right speed at the time of the event...and with her harsh upbringing causing problems of its own...

Starting to see why this is such a delicate subject for me to bring up? lol

 

[valen1971]

When's your wife due back home?

 

[DanielOC]

When's your wife due back home?

about 2 and 1/2 months.

 

[valen1971]

Try saying nothing more about it until she's home because you may find out that she talks about it due to her feelings of guilt. Not that she has anything to be guilty about but it does seem that she is struggling with feelings of guilt.

 

[DanielOC]

Try saying nothing more about it until she's home because you may find out that she talks about it due to her feelings of guilt. Not that she has anything to be guilty about but it does seem that she is struggling with feelings of guilt.

Right. I worry that all this unneeded guilt is filling her with all this negativity towards herself. That is never healthy.