Help! I'm dominating everybody.

[onyxvixen]

So I haven't been on Lit for ages, nearly two years in fact. I've lurked a bit but have mostly been too... busy.

I seem to be developing into someone I don't particularly like. I'm not about to take 100% of the blame though.

My girl enjoys humiliation play and we've experimented a lot with that. Our relationship is progressing through the spectrum of D/s and soon I believe she will give herself as my slave.

I have never had this level of control over someone. She obeys me almost faultlessly and while it's exhilarating I do wonder if it's necessarily good for me. I have begun to be less patient with her, more exacting. The more perfect and devoted her service, the more I seem to expect from her as a matter of course.

I have also begun to be less patient with people generally. I have gained confidence (love does that to us jaded Dommes too you know) and was recently promoted. I'm becoming a ball buster though because I am using my experience as a Domme to put on a front in my first managerial role. It's probably a car crash waiting to happen but I have no other relevant experience to draw on. It's working though. People actually do what I say. I keep catching myself dominating my minions and I can't seem to put a stop to it. My D/s never used to spill into my public persona.

Trouble is, they seem to be responding well to it and my bosses are terribly impressed with me. I'm creating a monster. The further down this road I go the less likely I am to turn back. I'm not sure if this is who I want to be, it just happens to be working right now.

Thoughts?

 

[Filly Gal]

Be conscious of choices and be able to differntiate reality from a fantasy.
Lessons in private can spill over into work in a good way for all just be careful about pushing the envelope in the work place!!

 

[YourCaptor]

Respect

Respect people, and show it
Listen to what they have to say and seriously consider it, don’t cut anyone off, don’t consider anyone lesser because they have not done well in the past.

Go to their level

For example, if people are sitting down pull up a chair and sit with them, don’t take a physically dominant stance.

If you value people and join them in a friendly low-pressure atmosphere you will still be dominate but in a friendly way.

And be consistent

 

[onyxvixen]

Respect

Respect people, and show it
Listen to what they have to say and seriously consider it, don’t cut anyone off, don’t consider anyone lesser because they have not done well in the past.

Go to their level

For example, if people are sitting down pull up a chair and sit with them, don’t take a physically dominant stance.

If you value people and join them in a friendly low-pressure atmosphere you will still be dominate but in a friendly way.

And be consistent

I do respect people. It's not that I'm treating everybody like crap and putting people down. I'm fair and I'm forgiving. I just don't stand for any bullshit excuses and when I have to delegate and call the shots, I do so without a second thought.

I'm not being abusive to people. It's just a general shift in my personality that I feel I'm not controlling very well. To what degree it's a bad thing and to what degree it needs controlling I'm not sure. It's just been unexpected and as such has blind sided me a little and made me question myself.

 

[JMohegan]

So I haven't been on Lit for ages, nearly two years in fact. I've lurked a bit but have mostly been too... busy.

I seem to be developing into someone I don't particularly like. I'm not about to take 100% of the blame though.

My girl enjoys humiliation play and we've experimented a lot with that. Our relationship is progressing through the spectrum of D/s and soon I believe she will give herself as my slave.

I have never had this level of control over someone. She obeys me almost faultlessly and while it's exhilarating I do wonder if it's necessarily good for me. I have begun to be less patient with her, more exacting. The more perfect and devoted her service, the more I seem to expect from her as a matter of course.

I have also begun to be less patient with people generally. I have gained confidence (love does that to us jaded Dommes too you know) and was recently promoted. I'm becoming a ball buster though because I am using my experience as a Domme to put on a front in my first managerial role. It's probably a car crash waiting to happen but I have no other relevant experience to draw on. It's working though. People actually do what I say. I keep catching myself dominating my minions and I can't seem to put a stop to it. My D/s never used to spill into my public persona.

Trouble is, they seem to be responding well to it and my bosses are terribly impressed with me. I'm creating a monster. The further down this road I go the less likely I am to turn back. I'm not sure if this is who I want to be, it just happens to be working right now.

Thoughts?

It's hard to glean much from a single post, and I don't know you, so I have no idea how much, if anything, that I write here will apply. "You" in this post is general.

There is a phenomenon fairly common to new Dominants, or sometimes even experienced Dominants, that my buddies and I refer to as APS (Arrogant Prick Syndrome).

The symptoms are: expectation that non-partners should follow your directions and a sense of irritation when they don't; a sense of entitlement that creeps into and begins to pervade your life overall; a sense of self-worth disproportionate with healthy self-esteem or anything warranted by one's actual accomplishments; an inordinate sense of irritation in response to questioning or disagreement with your opinions even when the questions or comments are respectfully addressed; and general behavior that just makes you obnoxious and unreasonable and generally unpleasant to be around unless someone is constantly and openly kissing your ass.

It is easy to develop APS, when you've got an adoring partner who spends a big chunk of your time together on her knees (metaphorically and otherwise), and whose interaction with you sometimes seems as if it boils down to her asking "how high?" every time you tell her to jump. People seem to be especially prone to this phenomenon in the first blush of excitement and Domly confidence, as they start operating in earnest on the Top side of the coin.

The only immediate cure for APS, that I know of, is a group of close friends who are willing to slap you upside the head and tell you to knock it off, if and when you start getting obnoxious or unreasonable.

A more long-term cure is life itself. It has a way of eventually humbling everybody. Even arrogant pricks.

 

[Netzach]

Yoga.

I'm not kidding.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Netzach's suggestion of yoga is a good one, and also perhaps remembering that D/s requires consent and while you may wish to transfer your skills at home to the workplace, as a responsible Domme you do not have the right to do that with non-consenting employees. It is too easy to start feeling because you are into D/s, that it transcends everything and everyone and you begin to look through D/s influenced glasses so to speak. The sad thing is though that most of those who fall under your appraisal as to whether they are one way or the other, whether they should obey you or not, have no remote interest in D/s or your belief you are dominating them. Respect is a big thing, remembering you are not Domme of the world another, and just generally getting your feet back on the ground before someone tries to do it for you. I suspect it is just another step in your journey and you will work through it.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I said what I said for a few reasons.

1. It's humbling.

2. It chills you out.

3. You have to follow directions, defer to the teacher, your body's limitations and honor your classmates - I mean that's where your head is supposed to go anyway....

4. It's hard to feel hot shit with your ass in the air and your abs hurting. Five minutes in down dog and I'm a down dog.

You also said you're fair, and you're not being a jerk. If that's the case, then own it, live in it. Maybe you ARE a good leader and you're not fronting - I find that most women are so accustomed to having to be in a one-down position that they can't be in the one-up position without feeling like they're lying or faking or harming other people.

Of course, if you're concerned about it, it may be because you *do* feel like you're abusing some measure of privilege there or something's off.

Honestly, you'll know from how people react to you, if it's an isolated hangup or two or if you're turning off reasonable people. Also you do know you can't be buddies with all these people, I'm sure you do, as a manager. Find other people to like you, ones who don't answer to you at all. It's one reason I enjoy having other D's as friends.

 

[pellso27]

I need you!

 

[YourCaptor]

There is a phenomenon fairly common to new Dominants, or sometimes even experienced Dominants, that my buddies and I refer to as APS (Arrogant Prick Syndrome).

The poster child of APS

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I seem to be developing into someone I don't particularly like. I'm not about to take 100% of the blame though.

... I have also begun to be less patient with people generally. I have gained confidence ... and was recently promoted. I'm becoming a ball buster though because I am using my experience as a Domme to put on a front in my first managerial role. ... It's working though. People actually do what I say. I keep catching myself dominating my minions and I can't seem to put a stop to it. My D/s never used to spill into my public persona.

Trouble is, they seem to be responding well to it and my bosses are terribly impressed with me. I'm creating a monster. The further down this road I go the less likely I am to turn back. I'm not sure if this is who I want to be, it just happens to be working right now.

Thoughts?

Hmmm....
People are responding well?
The bosses are impressed?
It's working?

If this is a monster, no one else seems to have caught on. Maybe you are finally in a position where the real you, who has been cooped and cramped and stifled, is finally able to get out and see the light of day. This is uncomfortable for you because you are used to being a catepillar. The idea of being a butterfly is new and different.

Trust me - after you've been flying a while, you'll wonder why you were thinking being a butterfly might be a bad thing.

 

[onyxvixen]

You also said you're fair, and you're not being a jerk. If that's the case, then own it, live in it. Maybe you ARE a good leader and you're not fronting - I find that most women are so accustomed to having to be in a one-down position that they can't be in the one-up position without feeling like they're lying or faking or harming other people.

I guess that's very true. I have been a P.A. for a few years now and there are few more subservient jobs than being someone's personal gopher. I worked my way up the P.A. tree and that's how I came to be working in Tokyo. Before that I was in admin, before that a student, these are all (for want of a better word and I appreciate that not everything on the planet is D or s) quite submissive working roles.

I do have the black woman's chip on my shoulder to a degree. In my office in Japan there are over 500 employees and I am the only black woman who is not in the typing pool. Naturally most are asian and it's mostly a demographic thing but I do feel that I have this extra responsibility to present myself well.

Also you do know you can't be buddies with all these people, I'm sure you do, as a manager. Find other people to like you, ones who don't answer to you at all. It's one reason I enjoy having other D's as friends.

Yes, I do understand this. I'm not trying to be everyone's friend. My Japanese is still far from fluent and it's something of an isolating factor. I'm still friends with other people I connected with through my old role and my girl has a fantastic bunch of friends who I've kind of adopted.

We are still checking out the local BDSM scene and I'm a little wary as the conservative environment of the bank would have a massive coronary if I got spotted in a fetish club. A girl was fired only a few months ago for working as a call girl in her free time. She'll never get a job with another bank in Tokyo. It's still quite a boys club.

If this is a monster, no one else seems to have caught on. Maybe you are finally in a position where the real you, who has been cooped and cramped and stifled, is finally able to get out and see the light of day. This is uncomfortable for you because you are used to being a catepillar. The idea of being a butterfly is new and different.

Trust me - after you've been flying a while, you'll wonder why you were thinking being a butterfly might be a bad thing.

Yeah, as I said above, I do get this. So far I haven't made any enemies and I am keeping a close eye on myself. It may just be my personality developing and I may be really pleased that I walked into my new job with confidence and 'owned it' as Netz said. I just hate the stereotype of the Dom/me who marches around treating everyone like a sub.

I suppose I feel like I'm fronting because I have no experience in management. Like when I first got into BDSM, as a PYL I felt I was fronting because I had little experience until I got to a place where I knew what I was doing and was at peace with my inner bitch. I just never thought she'd come in handy like this.

I'm probably just over analysing. I'm very good at that.

 

[onyxvixen]

The poster child of APS

That was truly hideous.

 

[onyxvixen]

Netzach's suggestion of yoga is a good one, and also perhaps remembering that D/s requires consent and while you may wish to transfer your skills at home to the workplace, as a responsible Domme you do not have the right to do that with non-consenting employees. It is too easy to start feeling because you are into D/s, that it transcends everything and everyone and you begin to look through D/s influenced glasses so to speak. The sad thing is though that most of those who fall under your appraisal as to whether they are one way or the other, whether they should obey you or not, have no remote interest in D/s or your belief you are dominating them. Respect is a big thing, remembering you are not Domme of the world another, and just generally getting your feet back on the ground before someone tries to do it for you. I suspect it is just another step in your journey and you will work through it.

Catalina

Well, I don't feel that my D/s transcends everything but to a degree, these people consented to having me as their 'superior' by not staging a walkout when I was hired. I have learned how to control or manage people effectively through being a PYL. I don't have a whip in my briefcase and I'm not some hard nose bitch queen who only spots failings and mistakes.

I agree with you that this is probably just something I'll work through without too much hassle. It's just nice to get some feedback and be able to point to the screen and say to yourself "See! They agree with me, I'm not a ballbusting boss from hell!"

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's just nice to get some feedback and be able to point to the screen and say to yourself "See! They agree with me, I'm not a ballbusting boss from hell!"

She doesn't actually have to be a bitchy boss. Onyx has this eyebrow. Whenever she raises it I hear a gunshot go off in my head.

Seriously honey, give yourself a break. You haven't been in this new post long and I know that absolute control is how you react to everything that scares you. A couple of months from now you'll be a lot more relaxed and less bothered about impressing everybody. I think this is just going to turn out to be a phase, a coping mechanism born of your experience as a PYL.

 

[satindesire]

*Snip*


I do have the black woman's chip on my shoulder to a degree. In my office in Japan there are over 500 employees and I am the only black woman who is not in the typing pool. Naturally most are asian and it's mostly a demographic thing but I do feel that I have this extra responsibility to present myself well.

*Snip*

As a woman, and as a partner of an ethnic person, I can say this with some degree of intimate knowledge.

Preconsieved (sp?) notions that you create in your own head will only make anything that can be misconstrued as a problem with your race or gender, seem like what you're fearing.

If you don't make race or gender an issue, and REALLY own it, no one else will either. ^_^

 

[Netzach]

As a woman, and as a partner of an ethnic person, I can say this with some degree of intimate knowledge.

Preconsieved (sp?) notions that you create in your own head will only make anything that can be misconstrued as a problem with your race or gender, seem like what you're fearing.

If you don't make race or gender an issue, and REALLY own it, no one else will either. ^_^

It'd be nice if that were true, but it's not. It doesn't take a chip on your shoulder to get followed in a store, or beaten up, or names hurled at you.

It's not all in one's control.

 

[Netzach]

I guess that's very true. I have been a P.A. for a few years now and there are few more subservient jobs than being someone's personal gopher. I worked my way up the P.A. tree and that's how I came to be working in Tokyo for an investment banker. Before that I was in admin, before that a student, these are all (for want of a better word and I appreciate that not everything on the planet is D or s) quite submissive working roles.

Now I coordinate a team of temporary PAs. that cover the regular PAs' vacation, study leave, sick leave and maternity leave etc. I hire and fire, I write reports for my superiors and I have a lot of input as to whether a person is suited for a permanent PA job, or whether they're not managing very well and aren't really cut out for the organization, autonomy and initiative required by the role. I haven't been these people's coworker up till now, which makes it easier to breeze in and call the shots.

I don't think that's a chip, I think it's an understanding of the fact that you're under some scrutiny and it's not overly dramatic to be cognizant of it.

I think it's just one of those things that a person would have to balance - an awareness of what's fair and appropriate so you aren't being stepped on in some way, and also an awareness that the worst need not always be assumed.

 

[onyxvixen]

It'd be nice if that were true, but it's not. It doesn't take a chip on your shoulder to get followed in a store, or beaten up, or names hurled at you.

It's not all in one's control.

Lol, very true. Also, I am more of a minority in Tokyo than I ever was in London, England, where I was born and raised. That's before you throw being a lesbian and Domme in and really make me a minority. When I first arrived and I had jeans and a hooded top on and a huge bag, I couldn't even get a cab straightaway.

Also, I do wonder whether my promotion is an exercise in making up the numbers. As a woman and as a black person I cover two categories for them. I guess that must sound rich to someone who's been passed over because the company wants a minority in the job. I really want to show that I'm capable though, in case others are thinking the same things.

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean it's completely unfounded. I hate office politics so much.

 

[BiBunny]

Lol, very true. Also, I am more of a minority in Tokyo than I ever was in London, England, where I was born and raised. That's before you throw being a lesbian and Domme in and really make me a minority. When I first arrived and I had jeans and a hooded top on and a huge bag, I couldn't even get a cab straightaway.

Also, I do wonder whether my promotion is an exercise in making up the numbers. As a woman and as a black person I cover two categories for them. I guess that must sound rich to someone who's been passed over because the company wants a minority in the job. I really want to show that I'm capable though, in case others are thinking the same things.

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean it's completely unfounded. I hate office politics so much.

I'm not trying to make light of your fears at all--please don't think I am--, but so what if they did promote you for numbers? I mean, I understand why that would suck, but if you go in there and blow 'em all away with your competency, they're going to be kicking themselves and saying, "Why the hell didn't we promote her sooner?" Plus, your superiors are going to absolutely love you if you do your job well and make them look good.

 

[YourCaptor]

You’re in Japan, well, that would probably have a lot to do with it.

The work ethics there are drastically different from anything in the west. For example, a buddy of mine said that one day his office chair was missing, when he went around looking for it he was told that his chair missing meant that he was fired.

All those subtleties will be very difficult to get because nobody ever talks about them. Having experience in moving to a new land, I would recommend you ask a lot of questions, and make some informal buddies. You can never really ask “so what’s different between our cultures”, you just sort of have to spot the differences as you go along, then have them clarified.

Good luck

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, I don't feel that my D/s transcends everything but to a degree, these people consented to having me as their 'superior' by not staging a walkout when I was hired. I have learned how to control or manage people effectively through being a PYL. I don't have a whip in my briefcase and I'm not some hard nose bitch queen who only spots failings and mistakes.

I agree with you that this is probably just something I'll work through without too much hassle. It's just nice to get some feedback and be able to point to the screen and say to yourself "See! They agree with me, I'm not a ballbusting boss from hell!"

From what I know of Japan and the workplace, it is high stress and a lot of that stress is derived through the pressure to work above and beyond what is expected in the West. Could it be that what you see as your co-workers/staff seeming to respond to you in a way which seems to be a reflection of your development and role in D/s, is simply them doing their jobs to the best of their ability and because they know if they don't they will have someone else ready to fill their position? Japanese friends I have had throughout the years have all said that to work in Japan means working long hours, doing as you are told effectively and efficiently, and then turning it all up a notch to maintain your position. It could perhaps simply be a difference in style to what you are used to. Being less patient with others could be a reaction to the stress of the workplace and changes in your life.

Catalina

 

[mjl2010]

People do what a manager tells them to do because they have to in order to keep their jobs.

People do what a leader wants them to do because they want to. A leader is someone they can follow.

Which of the above do you fall under?

This caught my eye.

Trouble is, they seem to be responding well to it and my bosses are terribly impressed with me. I'm creating a monster. The further down this road I go the less likely I am to turn back. I'm not sure if this is who I want to be, it just happens to be working right now.

1.) Your people are responding well.
2.) Your bosses are impressed.

Seems to me you're on the right path to becoming a good leader.

It takes a certain amount of self confidence, pride and also a no-nonsense attitude to be a good leader. I've met plenty of good managers who were not good leaders.

I do respect people. It's not that I'm treating everybody like crap and putting people down. I'm fair and I'm forgiving. I just don't stand for any bullshit excuses and when I have to delegate and call the shots, I do so without a second thought.

These are just more aspects of leadership.
1.) You respect people.
2.) You're not treating people like crap.
3.) You're being fair and forgiving.
4.) You're not TAKING any crap
5.) You're delegating and calling the shot.

I say go with what works.

MJL

 

[JMohegan]

So I haven't been on Lit for ages, nearly two years in fact. I've lurked a bit but have mostly been too... busy.

I seem to be developing into someone I don't particularly like. I'm not about to take 100% of the blame though.

My girl enjoys humiliation play and we've experimented a lot with that. Our relationship is progressing through the spectrum of D/s and soon I believe she will give herself as my slave.

I have never had this level of control over someone. She obeys me almost faultlessly and while it's exhilarating I do wonder if it's necessarily good for me. I have begun to be less patient with her, more exacting. The more perfect and devoted her service, the more I seem to expect from her as a matter of course.

I have also begun to be less patient with people generally. I have gained confidence (love does that to us jaded Dommes too you know) and was recently promoted. I'm becoming a ball buster though because I am using my experience as a Domme to put on a front in my first managerial role. It's probably a car crash waiting to happen but I have no other relevant experience to draw on. It's working though. People actually do what I say. I keep catching myself dominating my minions and I can't seem to put a stop to it. My D/s never used to spill into my public persona.

Trouble is, they seem to be responding well to it and my bosses are terribly impressed with me. I'm creating a monster. The further down this road I go the less likely I am to turn back. I'm not sure if this is who I want to be, it just happens to be working right now.

Thoughts?

Given all the new information presented here, I'll offer a different response from my earlier post.

People who achieve sustained success in a business environment do so by maintaining a primary focus on their role as servant, rather than their role as boss.
Even the CEO answers to the Board of Directors. He either does well *on their terms*, or he will be out on his ass.

For this reason, I consider the Domme/business manager comparison to be a poor one. A business man/woman is fundamentally a servant, and the one who loses sight of that will ultimately fail.

Well, I don't feel that my D/s transcends everything but to a degree, these people consented to having me as their 'superior' by not staging a walkout when I was hired. I have learned how to control or manage people effectively through being a PYL. I don't have a whip in my briefcase and I'm not some hard nose bitch queen who only spots failings and mistakes.

Another way to look at this might be to say that you have learned how to control or manage yourself. When to hold your ground vs. when to back down. That type of thing.

In learning to control or manage yourself, you learn how to get the results that you need to please those who are 'superior' to you.

There is a certain humility in looking at your workplace role this way. It may help you keep things in perspective (as with Netzach's yoga). But this type of focus is also absolutely necessary for sustained success in the pyramid of big business.

 

[onyxvixen]

From what I know of Japan and the workplace, it is high stress and a lot of that stress is derived through the pressure to work above and beyond what is expected in the West. Could it be that what you see as your co-workers/staff seeming to respond to you in a way which seems to be a reflection of your development and role in D/s, is simply them doing their jobs to the best of their ability and because they know if they don't they will have someone else ready to fill their position? Japanese friends I have had throughout the years have all said that to work in Japan means working long hours, doing as you are told effectively and efficiently, and then turning it all up a notch to maintain your position. It could perhaps simply be a difference in style to what you are used to. Being less patient with others could be a reaction to the stress of the workplace and changes in your life.

Catalina

Japanese workers are wage slaves. They take direct instructions well and are wary of showing initiative. These people are naturally deferential and polite and something in me responds to that.

Although they are obedient and deferential, they're no more acting through fear than if anyone else was in my job. I can't change the pressured environment they work in, I can only be supportive and fair, and I believe that I am succeeding in that.