Safeword: did you ever use it/had it used on you; why? when? what? How?

[rida]

The questions are: Did you ever safeworded out/ Had someone safeword out on you? Why did you safeword/did they? When did it happen? What was going on when it happened? How did you feel afterward?
As little or as much info you are willing to share is appreciated.



As a background on why I am coming up with this questions here is what is going on.

I had my first play experience with someone other than Hubby. With Hubby, even if we go by the standard color safewords, mostly it is me just saying "my hands are going numb", "WAIT!WAIT!WAIT! I need to get the lube", "please, don't hit that spot again" or things like that. Plus he knows me very well and is not into any extreme stuff (yet).
But with the play partner is different, and is going to be a very important element. He is a sadist. I am not into pain, but I will endure it to please him. Now here comes the crux of the situation: the trial play run made me realize how strongly I hate failing someone's expectations; how deep is my desire to please. It gets stubborn in my head: I am afraid that fear of feeling like a failure will keep me from using my safeword even if I should. I trust he is experienced enough to read me (I asked about previously gone awry play and he admitted to pushing a submissive too far once), but I know he cannot read me right if my stubbornness keep the reality of what is going on locked up. The part of me that is a control freak, is also the part of me that will never admit defeat.

Hijacking my own post ...lol... just got an enlightening moment ... making me safeword will be the moment of total submission ... but this is a bit OT ... so back to the questions ...

Thank you in advance

rida

ETA to add link to further thoughts to discuss:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=26403042&postcount=41

 

[myinnerslut]

i have once, but it may as well have been twice.

the first was at a point where i emotionally couldnt handle anything that night. i safeworded on something that i have taken with no real problems in the past becuase of the sheer emotional stress i was in.

the second time was for my shoulder. i didnt actually safeword but i told him that my shoulder was hurting a lot in a tie we were doing and he untied me and stpped the scene. my shoulder was pretty messed up for a few hours afterwards.

 

[FurryFury]

No and no.

I think the fact that we don't want to hurt the other one and that we stay pretty tuned into the other person has prevented that.

 

[_kiana_]

Technically, I have used a safeword/signal three times. But I'll ignore the first, as I was just stupid to be in that situation to start with.

I tend to use plain language when playing with people instead of any form of safeword/graduated colors or anything. Just like you do with your husband. So my instances of using them are limited. Five years of play, two uses as far as I see it.

One time, I was on my back with a ball gag. I had been there too long, couldn't swallow, and had to have it taken out in order to do so. I clicked my fingers like I'm supposed to and my first words were, "Nothing serious..." then told him what was up. The scene continued on as if nothing happened. It was just a matter of not being able to tell him what I needed that warranted the safe signal.

The second time I really needed a full stop to play. I had not played in any way for three months and my partner decided not to back off of where we had left off. (That was his decision and completely in his right to do so given how our dynamic works, even if we're not in a full relationship.) At the beginning of the session he had assured me that no matter what happened that day, the only way I could ever disappoint him is if I needed to safeword and didn't do so. I've had a very hard time using my safeword in the past because it feels like being a failure, not being good enough, etc etc. It was only his assurance that I would not be disappointing him but doing what he wanted in using my safeword that made me able to use it. It took me quite a few minutes to keep the crying at bay, to remind myself that this is what he expected of me, wanted of me, etc. I was actually quite proud of myself for using it when I did need it and not going to pieces because of it. (It was a pain threshold that made me use it, btw. Too hard, too fast, not enough practice on my part.)

Have you told this new person about your hesitation to use it? That's the only thing that kept me together, was that this partner had continuously made certain I understood that the safeword was in no way a failure or a disappointment. Not just once or twice, but constantly and consistently.

 

[Netzach]

I have not used or had one used.

I've stopped and changed up PLENTY of scenes though, and gone with the flow of things, and I did have someone pass out on me a couple of times! (M one of them) and I can't count the number of bondages I've adjusted and I know that I had to ask my Bull the one time he flogged me in public early on in our dealings to let me down 'cause I was going to pass out (I hate St. Andrew's crosses for this reason, see a theme here?)--and I was disappointed that that got cut short, like most bottoms are.

But it never got to a safewording point because I'm a talker.

I talk dirty. I talk sweet, I whisper, I tease and berate, I prod and ask. I make the non-verbal ones surface enough to answer my questions. So yes and no, to the safewording thing. I have stopped scenes. And I have asked people to back off when I've bottomed, though I've been very very very reluctant to do it. Stubborn, tough, whatever you want to call it.

Honestly I don't know if that's always a bad thing. I mean, for me the whole POINT of masochistic activity is for me to feel tough. I don't care to disappoint myself in the end - but there are some things I just cannot do. 18ga needles are too big - I know, I tried, I said "no, really, can't do it." But I don't think there's anything wrong with *wanting* to push yourself, whether to please your partner or find out something new. You need a partner who's willing to shoulder a part of the responsibility in that endeavor and learn you well enough to know where you are and are coming from, so that they know when it is a push for you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I talk dirty. I talk sweet, I whisper, I tease and berate, I prod and ask.

LOL, Netzach, you already have most of us under your spell, do you have to give us this delicious image to make us ache even more? Then again, I love it so carry on.

As to safewording. I once did soon after we met. It was something he told me to do if necessary and as I was in bondage for some time and my hand began to go numb it seemed a good point to say something. He responded quickly and said he was pleased I had chosen to use it instead of contiune without a word.

Apart from that time I haven't, but I also have a strong belief that if someone is given the option of a safeword, they also have a responsibility to use it if needed not just for their own well being, but the safety, trust and knowledge of the one they are playing with.

Catalina

 

[notalwaysweak]

The one time I've had to is quite, quite boring. He was going down on me and all of a sudden I was just way, WAY too sensitive to continue. I feel like a bit of a coward, actually, but it was just far too intense.

 

[EmpressFi]

Only once, during the last visit. And actually, I couldnt bring myself to actually say it, in the sense that I didnt actually say, "Yellow". I can still remember the thought in my head of, "that just sounds silly".

When I said, "please stop, ow, that's enough.". I broke down and started to cry. He immediately thought I'd gone to far and he'd hurt me, instead of just making things hurt. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and started to comfort me. Later, I explained to him, that it wasnt the pain that made me cry, it was disappointment that I had to stop and a sense that I'd disappointed him by not being able to continue.

 

[coy_one]

Yes. And he didn't listen. That damaged me so much so and destroyed any trust.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

While a few times have had partner use yellow to slow things down. I have only had red used twice. And both times was during me performing oral. As she was extremely sensitive after a few orgasms and had to stop. The yellows was for a more measured pace from impacts toys such as paddles and razor strap. They enjoyed it but just to a point .

 

[rida]

i have once, but it may as well have been twice.

the first was at a point where i emotionally couldnt handle anything that night. i safeworded on something that i have taken with no real problems in the past becuase of the sheer emotional stress i was in.

the second time was for my shoulder. i didnt actually safeword but i told him that my shoulder was hurting a lot in a tie we were doing and he untied me and stpped the scene. my shoulder was pretty messed up for a few hours afterwards.

Thank you for sharing. This kind of situations happened with Hubby as well, but for some reason they did not compute in my head as safewording. Probably because in those cases, there is no amount of will that can overcome the reason to stop the scene. It is simply the only proper course of action.

Something more for me to think about.

 

[rida]

....
The second time I really needed a full stop to play. I had not played in any way for three months and my partner decided not to back off of where we had left off. (That was his decision and completely in his right to do so given how our dynamic works, even if we're not in a full relationship.) At the beginning of the session he had assured me that no matter what happened that day, the only way I could ever disappoint him is if I needed to safeword and didn't do so. I've had a very hard time using my safeword in the past because it feels like being a failure, not being good enough, etc etc. It was only his assurance that I would not be disappointing him but doing what he wanted in using my safeword that made me able to use it. It took me quite a few minutes to keep the crying at bay, to remind myself that this is what he expected of me, wanted of me, etc. I was actually quite proud of myself for using it when I did need it and not going to pieces because of it. (It was a pain threshold that made me use it, btw. Too hard, too fast, not enough practice on my part.)

Have you told this new person about your hesitation to use it? That's the only thing that kept me together, was that this partner had continuously made certain I understood that the safeword was in no way a failure or a disappointment. Not just once or twice, but constantly and consistently.

The part I bolded feels very close to me. During the trial play, I got hit in way I never did before, experienced pain I never did before. My brain never once lost sight of the fact that I could stop it anytime I felt like it. And yet the same brain felt that even contemplating the thought was a sign of failure.
I didn't use the safeword but a couple of time, my reactions made him realize I needed to slow down and take a break, and he made sure to give it to me. Even that made me feel as if I was failing him.

If we decide to continue, we will have to talk few more things out, and I will make sure to tell him about my fear of failing him by using the safeword.

.....
Apart from that time I haven't, but I also have a strong belief that if someone is given the option of a safeword, they also have a responsibility to use it if needed not just for their own well being, but the safety, trust and knowledge of the one they are playing with.

Catalina

This is a very good point that I had not thought about. Safewords, when given, are a sign of trust that goes both way:from the pyl is "I trust you to stop if I have to" and from the PYL is "I trust you to let me know when you have to stop". Keeping this prospective in mind should help me realize that safewording out is not a sign of failure, but of honest communication.

Only once, during the last visit. And actually, I couldnt bring myself to actually say it, in the sense that I didnt actually say, "Yellow". I can still remember the thought in my head of, "that just sounds silly".

........

I hear you on the "that sounds silly" thought. I feel exactly the same way. I am trying to come up with a word that wont make me feel silly, but have not come up with one yet.

Yes. And he didn't listen. That damaged me so much so and destroyed any trust.

That sounds just scary. If I ever get to the point of safewording, chances are that it has already gone beyond what I can stand. Having it ignored is just too scary to even consider.

 

[rida]

The one time I've had to is quite, quite boring. He was going down on me and all of a sudden I was just way, WAY too sensitive to continue. I feel like a bit of a coward, actually, but it was just far too intense.

While a few times have had partner use yellow to slow things down. I have only had red used twice. And both times was during me performing oral. As she was extremely sensitive after a few orgasms and had to stop. The yellows was for a more measured pace from impacts toys such as paddles and razor strap. They enjoyed it but just to a point .

Interestingly enough I see myself being able to stop someone giving me oral much easily that someone in the middle of impact play. Giving me oral being is strongly tied in my mind with my own pleasure, and stopping it if it is not working is fine.　But a beating would be totally for the other person's pleasure, and stopping it would make me feel as if I am not being able to please my PYL and as such I am failing him/her.

 

[rida]

No and no.

I think the fact that we don't want to hurt the other one and that we stay pretty tuned into the other person has prevented that.

That is the case with Hubby. The sadist thou ... causing pain is what he enjoys. There is a totally different vibe there: his pleasure is all that matters. Of course he wants me to come back to take more so he is not going to break me. But there is a desire and need to push boundary there that is much stronger.

I have not used or had one used.

I've stopped and changed up PLENTY of scenes though, and gone with the flow of things, and I did have someone pass out on me a couple of times! (M one of them) and I can't count the number of bondages I've adjusted and I know that I had to ask my Bull the one time he flogged me in public early on in our dealings to let me down 'cause I was going to pass out (I hate St. Andrew's crosses for this reason, see a theme here?)--and I was disappointed that that got cut short, like most bottoms are.

But it never got to a safewording point because I'm a talker.

I talk dirty. I talk sweet, I whisper, I tease and berate, I prod and ask. I make the non-verbal ones surface enough to answer my questions. So yes and no, to the safewording thing. I have stopped scenes. And I have asked people to back off when I've bottomed, though I've been very very very reluctant to do it. Stubborn, tough, whatever you want to call it.

Honestly I don't know if that's always a bad thing. I mean, for me the whole POINT of masochistic activity is for me to feel tough. I don't care to disappoint myself in the end - but there are some things I just cannot do. 18ga needles are too big - I know, I tried, I said "no, really, can't do it." But I don't think there's anything wrong with *wanting* to push yourself, whether to please your partner or find out something new. You need a partner who's willing to shoulder a part of the responsibility in that endeavor and learn you well enough to know where you are and are coming from, so that they know when it is a push for you.

I am a talker too, but the sadist is not. He did check with me a couple of time, but he is not going to keep asking me as he'd rather I do not talk ... just scream pretty when in pain.

As for the bolded part, the wanting to push our own limit is what brings us pyl back for more. The PYL wants to go a bit further each time, but the pyl wants to be brought a bit farther each time as well. The problem I can see with the way my mind works, is that there is not limit for her: the body might as well fall apart, but she will not bend. Yes, my mind is a bitch and I think I will call her Mindy

 

[Netzach]

That is the case with Hubby. The sadist thou ... causing pain is what he enjoys. There is a totally different vibe there: his pleasure is all that matters. Of course he wants me to come back to take more so he is not going to break me. But there is a desire and need to push boundary there that is much stronger.




I am a talker too, but the sadist is not. He did check with me a couple of time, but he is not going to keep asking me as he'd rather I do not talk ... just scream pretty when in pain.

As for the bolded part, the wanting to push our own limit is what brings us pyl back for more. The PYL wants to go a bit further each time, but the pyl wants to be brought a bit farther each time as well. The problem I can see with the way my mind works, is that there is not limit for her: the body might as well fall apart, but she will not bend. Yes, my mind is a bitch and I think I will call her Mindy

Well, are you playing with someone you trust not to get your body to the "falling apart" stage? I'm assuming you are. These are the things to discuss when you're allowed to do more than scream and whimper, but when you're sitting down and relating like people do.

I also play with people who are there to suffer, however much I feel like it.

That's the deal we have, but it's based on a shared assumption. They know or believe that I'm not going to put them in the hospital unless something goes freakishly wrong that neither of us could predict. Sometimes the assumption is discussed and explicitly reinforced, sometimes they're real risk-takers and it's just implied (well she was recommended and she's a known pro, so she's not going to fuck me up too bad...)

So I have to ask, and not just to you, is the fact that most bottoms are very unwilling to stop a scene really THAT dangerous a thing if they are playing with competent Sadists with something approaching ethics?

I personally believe that everyone has to be able to convey certain types of safety information in a neutral way - if you think you are being harmed or hurt in a fashion the Top *does not intend* I think that's one reason to stop a scene that needs to have the onus of guilt taken off it. But the desire not to "wimp out" is something I don't see as quite as harmful or dangerous as a lot of people do, rather as one of the more charming traits of submissives.

 

[rida]

Well, are you playing with someone you trust not to get your body to the "falling apart" stage? I'm assuming you are. These are the things to discuss when you're allowed to do more than scream and whimper, but when you're sitting down and relating like people do.

I also play with people who are there to suffer, however much I feel like it.

That's the deal we have, but it's based on a shared assumption. They know or believe that I'm not going to put them in the hospital unless something goes freakishly wrong that neither of us could predict. Sometimes the assumption is discussed and explicitly reinforced, sometimes they're real risk-takers and it's just implied (well she was recommended and she's a known pro, so she's not going to fuck me up too bad...)

So I have to ask, and not just to you, is the fact that most bottoms are very unwilling to stop a scene really THAT dangerous a thing if they are playing with competent Sadists with something approaching ethics?

Good point and good question. Indeed if the screening process, the pre-play talk is done with proper communication, aside for unforseable reasons and event, there should be no danger that the PYL, Sadist in my case, would do any real damage. The risk thou would be higher with a pyl with very little experience (me), where she might not be able to properly convey during the normal talk all the important information. Not for lack of willingness but because of lack of awareness.

I personally believe that everyone has to be able to convey certain types of safety information in a neutral way - if you think you are being harmed or hurt in a fashion the Top *does not intend* I think that's one reason to stop a scene that needs to have the onus of guilt taken off it. But the desire not to "wimp out" is something I don't see as quite as harmful or dangerous as a lot of people do, rather as one of the more charming traits of submissives.

And with the bolded pink part ... add me to the one crushing on you

As a curious aside, my Sadist reminds me a lot of you ... do you have a long lost twin brother?

 

[Netzach]

Good point and good question. Indeed if the screening process, the pre-play talk is done with proper communication, aside for unforseable reasons and event, there should be no danger that the PYL, Sadist in my case, would do any real damage. The risk thou would be higher with a pyl with very little experience (me), where she might not be able to properly convey during the normal talk all the important information. Not for lack of willingness but because of lack of awareness.



And with the bolded pink part ... add me to the one crushing on you

As a curious aside, my Sadist reminds me a lot of you ... do you have a long lost twin brother?

Aw, you're too sweet.

No no twin brothers, but there IS a secret club. Haha, no not that either.

What I just quoted though - when I was being trained as both bottom and top, one of the things my mentor focused on was "ways you can get hurt and things to look for when you're bottoming that clue you into being hurt." I think this is an important thing to focus on a little if you're learning from people. As a top it's pretty informative too, to know what kinds of accidents or problems your bottom may be anticipating, both so you can re-assure them and so you can perpetrate some pretty heinous headfucks too.

I don't know if you do workshops, but if I were actively bottoming I'd probably be focusing on the "Dont's" section of things, so you know what to look for. It's not an issue of second guessing your top, and people do choose to take risks, but you want to know that person KNOWS when they're taking a risk and that it is a choice.

 

[EmpressFi]

So I have to ask, and not just to you, is the fact that most bottoms are very unwilling to stop a scene really THAT dangerous a thing if they are playing with competent Sadists with something approaching ethics?

I personally believe that everyone has to be able to convey certain types of safety information in a neutral way - if you think you are being harmed or hurt in a fashion the Top *does not intend* I think that's one reason to stop a scene that needs to have the onus of guilt taken off it. But the desire not to "wimp out" is something I don't see as quite as harmful or dangerous as a lot of people do, rather as one of the more charming traits of submissives.

Netz.. more and more I admire you. More for statements like this, that put my mind at ease a bit. Yes, he told me when it happened and when I apologized for "wimping out".. that it was ok... but it's nice hearing it from someone else too.

 

[serijules]

The questions are: Did you ever safeworded out/ Had someone safeword out on you? Why did you safeword/did they? When did it happen? What was going on when it happened? How did you feel afterward?
As little or as much info you are willing to share is appreciated.

Very early on in my exploration I had a safeword. My first "Dom" (note: I use the term loosely) took me to The Leather Rose in Chicago with a bunch of friends. He knew I had little to no experience with anything other than spanking. He made a big show of making sure he knew my safeword, of establishing a non-verbal safeword, etc. Then he put me on the St Andrews Cross and started flogging me.

At one point he started using a very heavy buffalo hide flogger on my back in a fast and heavy pace, and literally knocked the breath out of me. I could NOT catch my breath, and started to panic. Since I couldn't catch a breath to talk (and it was noisy in the club anyhow) I used the visual safeaction. He kept going. I started waving my fist around in the air, and he started hitting me HARDER (someone later told me that he was chastising me for moving). I ended up struggling through the panic attack, finally catching a breath and getting through the rest of the scene.

By the time he was done, I felt so sick to my stomach and dizzy from the whole thing, and really confused. I was too new to realize I should have simply stepped away and insisted the scene STOP. I mean, he was my Dom and all...

I've always been a bit disappointed that no one in the audience stepped forward and put a stop to it either. I had a few people later admit to me they saw me safewording and saw him just ignore it, but no one said anything or did anything. Not that it was their responsibility, but still...kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I broke it off with that dom shortly after that. New or not, I was bright enough to realize this guy was all ego and no brain. It did destroy my trust on some level, although I blamed myself for a long time until I had enough experience under my belt to have a better picture of what should and should not have happened on both of our parts.

I don't have a safeword with Ma'am, although she insists I establish one in the rare times she allows others to play with me. I've never had to use it though. I prefer simply communicating with the person I'm playing with rather than depending on obscure words and actions. I've found that works a hell of a lot better and the chances of the scene being ruined by miscommunications is a lot lower.

 

[BeachGurl2]

The questions are: Did you ever safeworded out/ Had someone safeword out on you? Why did you safeword/did they? When did it happen? What was going on when it happened? How did you feel afterward?
As little or as much info you are willing to share is appreciated.

I've safeworded twice, both times very early on in my BDSM experience and both times were ignored. The second time was the end of the relationship.

I hate failing someone's expectations; how deep is my desire to please. It gets stubborn in my head: I am afraid that fear of feeling like a failure will keep me from using my safeword even if I should. I trust he is experienced enough to read me.

This is also a problem I have. The thought that I might let him down by stopping play when he isn't ready really, really bothers me. Of course, it helps that I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. When the thought crosses my mind that I might actually need to safeword, I begin questioning myself - is this really all I can take? is there truly a problem? And I've found that when I do that, it turns out that I don't really need to at all, I'm just overthinking things too much. Once I let that 'control freak' thing go and just feel, then I'm good again.

However, I don't let that fear of failure keep me from stopping if I really, truly can't take it or if there really is a problem. Because I agree with Cat, it's equally my responsibility to be sure that I'm in tune with what's going on with my own body. Otherwise, how can he be certain that I'm trustworthy?

So I have to ask, and not just to you, is the fact that most bottoms are very unwilling to stop a scene really THAT dangerous a thing if they are playing with competent Sadists with something approaching ethics?

I personally believe that everyone has to be able to convey certain types of safety information in a neutral way - if you think you are being harmed or hurt in a fashion the Top *does not intend* I think that's one reason to stop a scene that needs to have the onus of guilt taken off it. But the desire not to "wimp out" is something I don't see as quite as harmful or dangerous as a lot of people do, rather as one of the more charming traits of submissives.

Okay, add me to the 'I'm-so-crushing-on-Netz' club.

This is pretty much my belief as well. But I feel the same way about checklists - have just a small handful of things I don't like for the ick factor, the rest is up for grabs. When you have a dynamic of trust with someone you believe to be ethical, and who you believe is knowledgeable about what s/he is doing, then having the ability to say, "my hand is numb" and have him/her stop and adjust is a given, or at least should be in my opinion. But the same applies to saying, "give me a second to catch my breath" or "I need to stop now".

To be honest, when I am in a certain place with things, remembering a safeword just plain doesn't work for me. Even simple colors. So if things got out of hand for me and I had to use a true safeword to stop play, then I'd be in real trouble. I know this about myself, so I don't choose play partners carelessly. It is also something that I share if I am with someone new. I don't say 'no' unless I mean it. I don't say 'stop' unless I mean it. I don't do coy and I don't play games. And I make sure anyone I'm with knows that up front. Especially after that early relationship where even my safeword was ignored.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I've always been a bit disappointed that no one in the audience stepped forward and put a stop to it either. I had a few people later admit to me they saw me safewording and saw him just ignore it, but no one said anything or did anything. Not that it was their responsibility, but still...kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.

I disagree completely that it wasn't their responsibility because you were at a public playspace. At APEX here in Phoenix, the only safeword they allow is RED. In order to attend, you must be a member and go through orientation prior to visiting the dungeon. If anyone on the floor utters the word RED, and the PYL doesn't stop, then the Dungeon Master will stop all play and remove them from the floor. If the PYL has that happen additional times, then his/her membership will be revoked. Believe me, they don't play around with safety. If someone safewords, that play stops immediately.

 

[BiBunny]

Okay, add me to the 'I'm-so-crushing-on-Netz' club.

This is pretty much my belief as well. But I feel the same way about checklists - have just a small handful of things I don't like for the ick factor, the rest is up for grabs. When you have a dynamic of trust with someone you believe to be ethical, and who you believe is knowledgeable about what s/he is doing, then having the ability to say, "my hand is numb" and have him/her stop and adjust is a given, or at least should be in my opinion. But the same applies to saying, "give me a second to catch my breath" or "I need to stop now".

To be honest, when I am in a certain place with things, remembering a safeword just plain doesn't work for me. Even simple colors. So if things got out of hand for me and I had to use a true safeword to stop play, then I'd be in real trouble. I know this about myself, so I don't choose play partners carelessly. It is also something that I share if I am with someone new. I don't say 'no' unless I mean it. I don't say 'stop' unless I mean it. I don't do coy and I don't play games. And I make sure anyone I'm with knows that up front. Especially after that early relationship where even my safeword was ignored.

This is me. I don't fuck around and play "Oooh, Daddy, please don't, tee-hee," so I expect to be listened to when I genuinely have a problem. Makes picking partners hard sometimes, though, when you're inundated with the chest-beating "I don't stop if you don't safeword" types. I think "Ok, stop" is fine as a "safeword," as long as both parties know that. I don't want to add an extra layer of complication to my relations with another if I can help it.

 

[marieR19]

*sighs* If I ever truly get into this lifestyle in RL, I'm going to have to get used to the idea of using a safeword. I never have, not because things haven't happened where I needed to, but because the situations didn't require it. None of the situations were sexual/bondage related, they were all simple public submission tests, and I wasn't in a place mentally where I could do it, and I told her so. Since we were only testing the waters anyways, there was no need for a safeword, me telling her that I couldn't do it was more then enough.

The very idea of using a safeword is hard for me to wrap my mind around, because when I get upset I babble.... it's just how I respond to intense emotions. So there is a very good chance that I'd be saying "please stop, can't take it, need to stop" etc, but it just wouldn't click in my mind to say that one word.


Heather

 

[serijules]

I disagree completely that it wasn't their responsibility because you were at a public playspace. At APEX here in Phoenix, the only safeword they allow is RED. In order to attend, you must be a member and go through orientation prior to visiting the dungeon. If anyone on the floor utters the word RED, and the PYL doesn't stop, then the Dungeon Master will stop all play and remove them from the floor. If the PYL has that happen additional times, then his/her membership will be revoked. Believe me, they don't play around with safety. If someone safewords, that play stops immediately.

I don't know where the DMs were in that case, but I doubt they were around to hear the conversation between us about the non-verbal safeword like our group of friends were. So I wouldn't expect the DMs to have recognized it for what it was and I think the friends just simply didn't feel comfortable interfering in our "relationship".

I guess I ultimately believe that the responsibility for being in a situation and thus, getting out of that situation, is my own. There are exceptions of course (a person being bound and held against their will, unable to get out of a situation, etc).

I think of a time now where I spent a weekend with a dom that did NOT have the skills he claimed he did. He caned me well beyound my limits and because it was supposed to be "punishment" there were no safewords established. (again, was very new to the scene and very naive). My extreme distress should have been enough for him to stop, but he was so into his in-charge "punishment" crap that he didn't care. I blamed him for the scars I carried from that weekend for a long time.

Now I realize I had ample opportunities to pack my bags, call a friend and leave. I didn't. He was an asshole for certain, a bad dominant to boot...but I was naive and careless with myself. These days, I see no good excuse for allowing myself stay in that situation and let it escalate as it did.

Safewords should be communication tools. Not excuses.

Like any communication tool, sometimes they will fail and that's understandable. However, depending on them to the point where the top either ignores all other signs of distress or the bottom stop making an effort to get stop the situation from escalating....that falls under the making excuses category IMO.

 

[Etoile]

I've never had a safeword, so...no?