I want too, but I know better

[Adakgirl]

I am still learning about this lifestyle and I have had no r/t experience. I have been asking questions in BDSM chat rooms for quite some time now and have learned a lot. I was with a Master on-line for about 4 months and he wanted a r/t poly relationship, me being his slave, his wife is his submissive. Once I realized that it was just not going to work for me. I could not share him and knew I could not be a slave. I asked him to release me and he did.
I learned a great deal from him during our talks together and I do have a good understanding of what submission is all about.
Here is my dilemma. I have met a man on-line that I really, really like and care about. We don't know each other very well yet at all. He has never been a Master and is new and still learning too.
Though I have no doubt in my mind that he is a Dominate male, he did something in his chat room last night that made me go..uhohhhhh. I am an exhibitionist and enjoy showing my body, he asked me to show my breasts in his room and I did... I performed some dancing for the room's entertainment. We all had fun. While this was happening, he said on mic that he was my Master and he owned me. I have NO idea why I just went along with it. I typed it into the room upon his request. I called him Master during that time too. He also said he was going to collar me. He directed me the whole evening and I did as he asked me to do.
I KNOW that this was wrong and things just don't work that way. I guess I was so eager to please him, I just obeyed him. I want to have a Master so bad and I want so much to be Dominated, I guess I was willing accept it even if it was just for everyone's entertainment. Plus, I thought he was just role playing and did not really mean it. After he closed the room, I asked him if he was serious about being my Master, he said yes he was. He had to go and it was left at that.
Then I wrote him a long note about how my submission was a gift and how he could not expect me to be his instant submissive. I told him the title Master had to be earned and not taken lightly. I told him that an M/s was a relationship, a power exchange. That he needed to know me and care about me first. I told him I did not think he knew that being a Master was a big responsibility. That if he really meant it, that he needed to find out what it was all about. I also told him that I really do want to be his, but we needed to build a relationship first.
I told him that he needed to have much better reasons for wanting to be my Master than just using me for entertainment in his room.
Now I am afraid that he will be angry with me and reject me for telling him these things. That it will come to a screeching halt before it gets started.
I know I screwed up by acting like his submissive in the room. Please do not read me the riot act for it because I am well aware of my stupidity in doing it.
I know how foolish it was.
What I want to know is, am I going about this right by telling him these things? Should I give that note to him and take the chance of loosing him?
I know he did what he did out of ignorance, out of his lack of understanding. Should I forgive that and try to move forward with this? Do you think he will understand?
Or should I just forget the whole thing and never talk to him again?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, from what I have heard from others, this is fairly standard behaviour in many chat rooms. They are notorious for being about role play, HNG's and less often serious minded D/s and related labels.

That aside, I think what you wrote is not a problem if said in the interests of letting someone know you are serious about your search and desires, you know what you want, and you are not about to fall at the feet at the first person who tells you to. If he is also genuine, and new, he will see it as that and not a 'slap on the wrist' type reaction to what happened.

I personally think it is important to be able to articulate how you view such a relationship in terms of your preferences, what you see your role as being, as well as that of the PYL. To do otherwise can give an impression of indecision, insecurity, vulnerability (in a bad way), and basically open to doing what you are told just to be able to be in a relationship.

If he does not apprecitate what you have said, he is not for you. I know it sounds bad, but realistically you want someone who shares your goals and can respect your right to make these decisions for yourself at this stage. If you do not know what you want, how can you give anything? Keep positive and strong, and don't settle for something you feel uncomfortable or insecure about.

Catalina

 

[nh23]

I am still learning about this lifestyle and I have had no r/t experience.

From reading some of your previous posts I was shocked to read that..Just a random thought..it's early..lol.

Here is my dilemma. I have met a man on-line that I really, really like and care about. We don't know each other very well yet at all.

*blinks* You don't know him very well at all, yet you really, really like him. Be careful chickie.

Then I wrote him a long note about how my submission was a gift

Hmmm..Ok don't wanna start a war this early in the morning. So I'll shut up about this one.

Now I am afraid that he will be angry with me and reject me for telling him these things. That it will come to a screeching halt before it gets started.
I know I screwed up by acting like his submissive in the room. Please do not read me the riot act for it because I am well aware of my stupidity in doing it.
I know how foolish it was.
What I want to know is, am I going about this right by telling him these things? Should I give that note to him and take the chance of loosing him?
I know he did what he did out of ignorance, out of his lack of understanding. Should I forgive that and try to move forward with this? Do you think he will understand?
Or should I just forget the whole thing and never talk to him again?

Ok..I see where you wrote that you may have just played along in the chat room because you want a Master,and to be Dominated so badly. *sighs* Take it slow, ease up it's not a race. I'm sure you long for a relationship right now, but jumping at the first thing that's offered, or doing things you're not comfortable with to gain someone's interest is not a good thing. Nor does desperation come off as a positive trait to most good Dominants. Relax, breathe, give yourself time to explore and see what you really want. Good Luck

 

[JMohegan]

Though I have no doubt in my mind that he is a Dominate male, he did something in his chat room last night that made me go..uhohhhhh. I am an exhibitionist and enjoy showing my body, he asked me to show my breasts in his room and I did... I performed some dancing for the room's entertainment. We all had fun. While this was happening, he said on mic that he was my Master and he owned me. I have NO idea why I just went along with it. I typed it into the room upon his request. I called him Master during that time too. He also said he was going to collar me. He directed me the whole evening and I did as he asked me to do.
I KNOW that this was wrong and things just don't work that way. I guess I was so eager to please him, I just obeyed him. I want to have a Master so bad and I want so much to be Dominated, I guess I was willing accept it even if it was just for everyone's entertainment. Plus, I thought he was just role playing and did not really mean it. After he closed the room, I asked him if he was serious about being my Master, he said yes he was. He had to go and it was left at that.

Having never been to a chat room, I've got only a vague idea of what you're talking about here. However, I'm imagining something along the lines of you typing: *baring my breasts* .... and random guys typing: Oh baby!... and your potential Master typing: Do a little dance.... and you typing *twirls around the room*.... and your potential Master typing: I am her Master! Adakagirl, do it again!

This reminds me of some of the parties back in my college days, in which all participants were in various stages of inebriation, nobody was taking anything said as serious commitment or intention, and everybody was having a great time.

Did that mean the guys in question were commitment-phobic, or incapable of sustained relationships? Some (including me, at the time) were totally uninterested in being tied down. But others were just foolin' around in between girlfriends, and in fact had a strong preference for committed, sustainable endeavors.

Long way of saying - I don't think his behavior necessarily means he is unfit for a committed relationship.

Then I wrote him a long note about how my submission was a gift and how he could not expect me to be his instant submissive. I told him the title Master had to be earned and not taken lightly. I told him that an M/s was a relationship, a power exchange. That he needed to know me and care about me first. I told him I did not think he knew that being a Master was a big responsibility. That if he really meant it, that he needed to find out what it was all about. I also told him that I really do want to be his, but we needed to build a relationship first.
I told him that he needed to have much better reasons for wanting to be my Master than just using me for entertainment in his room.
Now I am afraid that he will be angry with me and reject me for telling him these things. That it will come to a screeching halt before it gets started.

I don't know the guy, obviously, but if it were me I'd be more pissed by the way you delivered this message than by the content of the message itself.

First off, I'd say that something this important deserves an actual conversation, rather than a note. And second, I don't respond well to being scolded or told that I'm doing something wrong or incapable of x, y, or z. There's a way to talk to me that works, and way to talk to me that shuts me down completely. What you describe here sounds a lot like the latter.

 

[intothewoods]

Having never been to a chat room, I've got only a vague idea of what you're talking about here. However, I'm imagining something along the lines of you typing: *baring my breasts* .... and random guys typing: Oh baby!... and your potential Master typing: Do a little dance.... and you typing *twirls around the room*.... and your potential Master typing: I am her Master! Adakagirl, do it again!

I wasn't clear on this.

To the OP: Did you actually bare your breasts through webcam, or just type it?

I'm not real familiar with chat rooms, but all I know for sure after reading your post is that you took part in some role play. Your email is a discussion about a relationship. Have you met this person? Do you know his full name, his address, his number? I simply don't agree with negotiating the terms of a relationship before you've met, or starting this conversation before you have some proof that this person is who he says he is.

 

[twysted73]

The ball is always and should always (unless you've accepted slave status) be in your court as a human being first, submissive second.

He's new to Dominance so don't expect much oif the traditional fanfare and such since he doesn't know it as deeply or is as familiar with it as you are.

Part of submission is control. And your desire for a Dominant, although respectable and admirable, is leading you down random paths where dissapointment may lie in wait.

Patience. Take your time. Choose wisely and your enjoyment of the connection and bond will be all the more rewarding.

Don't settle for just anything. Choose what you want to enjoy.
Best of luck to you.

 

[PonderingMind]

Just my opinion:

Playing in chatrooms is just that. If you are interested in developing a relationship with this one it is very important that you express your desires and needs to the relations. Without doing so you are entering into something with no guidelines or dynamics and that can be dissasterous...to say the least. Although, I'm not sure that writing him a note with everything in it is the best idea. I would want to talk openly with the person about it, discussing each issue until you both can reach agreement.
Also please take your time and get to know each other. Without doing so you will not have the trust and respect needed to grow. There is so much more to a relationship of this magnitude than the kink. Plus there is always the safety factors that need to be overcome before getting in too deep. For your own safety as well as his.....take your time, be open, and communicate everything.

Just my opinion

 

[Betticus]

From the way that you've presented and worded your post I would say that you have already decided deep down what you need to do in regards to this guy and that it would make it all easier to hear opinions that back up what you are feeling.

I have some questions for you first, they are general and you don't have to answer them but it's what I would be asking myself.

What was the motivation behind his drive to flaunt you in a chat room full of people that he likely doesn't even know in real life?

Why did he lie and tell them that he was your master and you his slave? Nothing in life is free, he's getting something out of this even if it's just an ego stroke.

Are those random chat room people more important to him than you and your feelings?

Did you gain anything from this objectification?

Why didn't you bust his lying ass right on the spot?

Do you want a master who does this kind of stuff?

Does he require the validation of others in order to screw up his courage to act more dominant?

 

[kushielstoy]

I am new at this but....

I am new to the Lit boards, but I have spent a lot of time perusing the threads over the past several weeks.

I am blown away by the amount of helpful information that has been compiled here for those of us “newbie’s” who didn’t have a F-ing clue where to start. I have posted twice as a submissive looking for a Dom interested in a real time relationship and I have received some amazing feedback and support.

If you truly are looking for a Dominate partner I recommend that you spend a bit more time reading up on what the relationship means. (The Library is FULL of info)

In your posting you seem to be behaving in a way that is not congruent with what your stated long term goal is. I have quickly come to understand that like any relationship, for a Dom/sub relationship to be healthy it is about respect, trust, honor, patience, focus, communication, and a lot of work.

If your gift of surrender is of value to you, don’t go giving it to the first applicant for the job.

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[JMohegan]

From the way that you've presented and worded your post I would say that you have already decided deep down what you need to do in regards to this guy and that it would make it all easier to hear opinions that back up what you are feeling.

I have some questions for you first, they are general and you don't have to answer them but it's what I would be asking myself.

What was the motivation behind his drive to flaunt you in a chat room full of people that he likely doesn't even know in real life?

Why did he lie and tell them that he was your master and you his slave? Nothing in life is free, he's getting something out of this even if it's just an ego stroke.

Are those random chat room people more important to him than you and your feelings?

Did you gain anything from this objectification?

Why didn't you bust his lying ass right on the spot?

Do you want a master who does this kind of stuff?

Does he require the validation of others in order to screw up his courage to act more dominant?

I could be missing something really obvious here, but I don't understand why his behavior in the chat room was any more worthy of condemnation than hers.

If two people engage in roleplay, pretending to be in an M/s relationship and having a great time, why is one more culpable than the other?

 

[madetotakeit]

Then I wrote him a long note about how my submission was a gift and how he could not expect me to be his instant submissive. I told him the title Master had to be earned and not taken lightly. I told him that an M/s was a relationship, a power exchange. That he needed to know me and care about me first. I told him I did not think he knew that being a Master was a big responsibility. That if he really meant it, that he needed to find out what it was all about. I also told him that I really do want to be his, but we needed to build a relationship first.

All of these things are true. I don't believe in "instant submissive." It is a relationship that takes trust and time to build the necessary emotions and caring. To me, it takes stages. There can be instant attraction and realizing the potential is there from the start, but that bond can not be so easily forged. I would be concerned if he didn't understand that.

Now I am afraid that he will be angry with me and reject me for telling him these things. That it will come to a screeching halt before it gets started.

You should feel comfortable saying anything to him...even if you make a fool of yourself. It's communication. Things are said incorrectly or taken in the wrong context all the time. It happens, if there is something there then you continue talking and straighten things out. However, the things you said were all valid points. If he rejected you based on those things, is this someone you feel you can go further with? People should have the same viewpoints for a relationship to work.

I know I screwed up by acting like his submissive in the room. Please do not read me the riot act for it because I am well aware of my stupidity in doing it.
I know how foolish it was.

To me chat rooms are a version of fantasy. People say and do things that they would not do in person. You were playing along. There is nothing wrong in that as long as you make sure he understands that is what it was.

What I want to know is, am I going about this right by telling him these things? Should I give that note to him and take the chance of loosing him?

I'm a big believer in it is better to do it rather than sit back and wonder "what if." My philosophy is I would rather say something and maybe have to clarify myself or feel sheepish afterwards. If I felt I couldn't say something to someone for fear of rejection then I would think this is not someone I could put my trust in. If something is valuable to you, you have to be prepared to chance losing it. If you protect it, you hinder it from developing what it could grow into. Relationships come and go in life. You have to look at the positive things you gained, learn from any mistakes and move on to the next step in your life.

I know he did what he did out of ignorance, out of his lack of understanding. Should I forgive that and try to move forward with this? Do you think he will understand?
Or should I just forget the whole thing and never talk to him again?

I think you should talk to him about it. Be clear, keep it simple. (Learn from my errors-I have a terrible habit of trying to explain myself and end up talking about two different things because I get lost in making my point rather than making sure what I said is understood.) Never talk to him again? If he is someone that adds something to your life, then why would you want to toss that away over a misunderstanding or words that you needed to say? How are you going to know if he looks at things the same way if you stay quiet?

 

[Light Ice]

I'm terribly impressed by the women of this community, not only for their understanding and embracing of their sexuality but in the quiet dignity and self-respect so many of them show. The most simple and poignant of statements offered to you, in my humble opinion, remains "human first, submissive second."

I do not live this lifestyle, but I do believe that for any dominant man to reach his potential with a woman there is a certain amount of confidence and assertiveness required. A huge way that these qualities manifest themselves is in an open and honest relationship with a woman, and certainly a relationship that acknowledges the woman for her capabilities and desires.

You certainly should feel more comfortable confessing yourself to this man in my opinion, particularly before you get into bondage or pain play on a hearty level. For lack of a better word, these "games" are designed to take you to the edge of your comfort zone and sometimes beyond it. That requires a great deal of trust, trust that you know when you use your "safety word" or simply ask him to stop that he'll be able to do so.

Or more ideally, that he'll have paid enough attention to you and learned you well enough to see the signs of it and stop ahead of time.

At this moment you -fear- expressing yourself to this man, and that's a damning statement. For all the leaps you've made forward you seem to have forgotten to establish a basic and trusting relationship here. It'd be unwise for you and he to go forward with this without reconnecting and forging a more cemented bond, a bond based less on flirtation and excitement and more on sincerity and mutual respect. If you don't do that, I would be inclined to believe that eventually this agreement will break in a nasty, and potentially dramatic way for the two of you.

 

[FurryFury]

This could lead to a break with him but if that is what honest communication does, then he wasn't worth your time from the get go. It can still hurt, how well I know. It hurts not from losing him but from losing your hope for what he might have been in your life. Regardless you should be able to communicate freely with a partner online or not.

 

[madetotakeit]

This could lead to a break with him but if that is what honest communication does, then he wasn't worth your time from the get go. It can still hurt, how well I know. It hurts not from losing him but from losing your hope for what he might have been in your life. Regardless you should be able to communicate freely with a partner online or not.

Well said.

 

[Betticus]

I could be missing something really obvious here, but I don't understand why his behavior in the chat room was any more worthy of condemnation than hers.

I always blame the dominant one.

 

[Betticus]

If you truly are looking for a Dominate partner I recommend that you spend a bit more time reading up on what the relationship means.

Dominate is what you do, dominant is descriptive of your personality.

When talking about the person you want to use the word "dominant". When describing their actions it then would be "dominate".

As in: My guy is pretty darn dominant, he can even dominate me most of the time.

As always, the betticus is ever helpful.

Also, welcome to lit. Have a cookie.

 

[JMohegan]

I always blame the dominant one.

In a casual encounter between consenting adults, and in the absence of coercion, threats, or force, I'd say that each person is equally responsible for whatever the heck went on.

I don't buy the submissive=child or person with lesser responsibility thing, or the poor victimized female thing, or anything else creating double standards in a consensual world.

 

[Betticus]

In a casual encounter between consenting adults, and in the absence of coercion, threats, or force, I'd say that each person is equally responsible for whatever the heck went on.

I don't buy the submissive=child or person with lesser responsibility thing, or the poor victimized female thing, or anything else creating double standards in a consensual world.

I'm also an asshole.

 

[kushielstoy]

Thanks for the tutorial!

Dominate is what you do, dominant is descriptive of your personality.

When talking about the person you want to use the word "dominant". When describing their actions it then would be "dominate".

As in: My guy is pretty darn dominant, he can even dominate me most of the time.

As always, the betticus is ever helpful.

Also, welcome to lit. Have a cookie.

I am always willing to sit and learn
If I could just get my spell check to correct for what I mean, not just for spelling! Thanks for the cookie...

 

[intothewoods]

I always blame the dominant one.

Blame for what? I don't get this thread at all. At worst, he's some jackoff that gets his jollies off of playing head games with women on line. That's an assumption you need to be going in with if you meet someone online and don't know a thing about them.

What was the motivation behind his drive to flaunt you in a chat room full of people that he likely doesn't even know in real life?

Why did he lie and tell them that he was your master and you his slave? Nothing in life is free, he's getting something out of this even if it's just an ego stroke.

Are those random chat room people more important to him than you and your feelings?

Did you gain anything from this objectification?

Why didn't you bust his lying ass right on the spot?

Do you want a master who does this kind of stuff?

Does he require the validation of others in order to screw up his courage to act more dominant?

What lie? I highly doubt that these "random chat room people" believed she was his slave in real life. I don't understand what he did, other than type some words for some people in a chat room to read.

 

[Lilith]

Betticus- You must also be a magician because you just turned my nose into a water fountain.

 

[Betticus]

Betticus- You must also be a magician because you just turned my nose into a water fountain.

That's me, dominating your nose.

 

[Lilith]

You've found the one part of my body that is submissive.

My view is that people who are good for us empower us, even if it involves indulging in humiliation and acts that allow for someone to feel empowered by the ability to be submissive. If the relationship you are trying to build with this person is making you feel unsure and doubt yourself and him then you already know what you should do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't buy the submissive=child or person with lesser responsibility thing, or the poor victimized female thing, or anything else creating double standards in a consensual world.

Great point I think too many people don't recognise.

Catalina

 

[Betticus]

There is nothing consensual about our world. Something is always eating something else.