Angel in Darkness

[FallenMorgan]

I finally finished. There are four episodes total, that I will post up eventually. I am working on a second "story arc" taking place 6 months after the end of episode four and whatnot. I will edit this thread as I post more.

Disclaimer:

I apologize for being out of character, but this story is fictional, first of all, contains a bunch of bad language, and involves Paris Hilton. If you hate her guts and want to read a story about her being the fuck toy of two college guys, then please press the 'back' button on your web browser. Please do not leave a comment if all you have to say is criticism of Paris or me. In general, no nimrods, please. Now, the rest of this story after this paragraph is completely in-character. By the way, I'm writing a second story arc to this, starting in late September of 2007 and ending possibly in either December or early 2008. Suggestions are welcome but I suggest you read this and episode two, when I post it up. There are four episodes in all. Also, I know it's a bit out there that she'd be so open to some random letter-sender, so don't whine about it. Honestly I want to mention that I'm a fan of Paris, I care about her and whatnot, I'm not just writing this on a whim.

Episode 1
Episode 2

Please do not comment about how it's about Paris, about the main character (me basically) loving Paris, etc. I'd love suggestions for episodes after five, which I am currently writing. The basic outline of the second story arc features Nicole Richie as a more major character. Since it starts in January 2007, she's not knocked up in the alternate reality of the story.

Now, probably the cutest part of the story in my opinion is the narrorator form of the main character. He's 25, while the version in the story is 19, 20 in episode two. He's a cynical evil little spitfire who does things to Nicky while Paris isn't home. Before giving me suggestions I suggest reading episode two. I might convert it to a .pdf and post it on my personal FTP. Some of the work is adding HTML codes.

What I'd like feedback on is what you think of the writing style, what you think of my character in the story, etc. Mostly I'd imagine many of you would think he's a pussy, but I don't. The version of me in the story is a few inches shorter, a little more skinny, with much less bodily hair. Why? Because frankly I hate seeing Paris with some big, tall, muscular, hairy jackass like Rick Salomon or Stavros Niarchos.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

You might want to post a link.

 

[MarshAlien]

You might want to post a link.

I think that is a link, where it says "Episode 1." But I haven't actually read the story yet. I can only take Paris in small doses, or when heavily dosed myself. Three Lit pages will require that the sun drop over the yardarm.

 

[FallenMorgan]

I think that is a link, where it says "Episode 1." But I haven't actually read the story yet. I can only take Paris in small doses, or when heavily dosed myself. Three Lit pages will require that the sun drop over the yardarm.

Just to note, you don't have to worry with some of the other ones. Episode one has one sex scene and the only other major character is Paris. Episode two has a ton of sex scenes, 90% of which involve Nicky Hilton. Episode three is split down the middle between involving Paris and Nicky, and Episode four is split down the middle almost.

For all you haters, there are some breaks where you can let your mind air out in the later episodes. Episode five, for example, is almost all Nicole Richie. The funny thing is that my character dosn't like sex yet he gets it all the time, lol.

Seriously, my character dosn't like sex, just like me. He regards some things as too "degrading to women" mostly Paris though. He'll bend Nicky over a coffee table, not Paris - it's complicated.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read it. The problem with most of the celebrity stories on this site is that the authors have a thing for who they are writing about, and expect the readers to feel the same way.

The story is dull, and the characters have about as much depth as a sheet of paper.

 

[FallenMorgan]

I read it. The problem with most of the celebrity stories on this site is that the authors have a thing for who they are writing about, and expect the readers to feel the same way.

The story is dull, and the characters have about as much depth as a sheet of paper.

Read the rest when I post it up, basically I believe my character and others develop a bit more depth. Also what do you expect, something like the story "One Night in Paris" where the author hates her and people liked the story because everyone hates her? Think of it from the point of the story, not who's in it.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Read the rest when I post it up, basically I believe my character and others develop a bit more depth. Also what do you expect, something like the story "One Night in Paris" where the author hates her and people liked the story because everyone hates her? Think of it from the point of the story, not who's in it.

I did think of it from the point of the story, your plot was as thin as twice watered down soup, and your characters lacked any depth.

 

[FallenMorgan]

I did think of it from the point of the story, your plot was as thin as twice watered down soup, and your characters lacked any depth.

Frankly it was written to resemble real life, and not some action-packed James Bond story. There are three other episodes, mind you. Nobody has depth in real life, I like stories that are realistic in their story and general nature, here's what you and possibly others see as a good main character:

So-n-so is an ex-CIA agent who's sent to Eastern Ukraine to stop terrorists from launching a stink bomb into the upper atmosphere. So-n-so is addicted to morphine and alcohol due to abusive parents and a uncle that molested him and blah blah blah.

Not every day somebody slams into a guy right as he's going to shoot someone or something actiony happens. A story dosn't always have to have the depth and action of a hollywood movie.

 

[Lalah]

Hollywood action movies are not really known for their depth...

 

[FallenMorgan]

You get what I'm saying though right?

 

[sr71plt]

You get what I'm saying though right?

Yeah, but asking for feedback here and then arguing against whatever feedback you get is viewed a little dimly here.

 

[tickledkitty]

Well, I opened it and started reading, but I have to say your disclaimer thing at the beginning is a huge turn off. You're pretty much calling readers "nimrods" and whiners and pretty much making all kinds of excuses for your story. Why would anyone want to read it after an introduction like that?

You say you don't care about "grammar shit" and people shouldn't bother criticizing you. I guess you're looking for a pat on the back and a big old 'atta boy, then, right? I'd say you've come to the wrong place. Sorry.

 

[FallenMorgan]

Basically I wrote the story from my heart and the disclaimer has to do with how I know people will make comments relating to just the fact that it is about Paris Hilton.

 

[Lalah]

You should probably have just said something along the line of. "This story is about Paris Hilton. I know some of you don't like her, but please give it a chance and you may be pleasently surprised."

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Frankly it was written to resemble real life, and not some action-packed James Bond story. There are three other episodes, mind you. Nobody has depth in real life, I like stories that are realistic in their story and general nature, here's what you and possibly others see as a good main character:

So-n-so is an ex-CIA agent who's sent to Eastern Ukraine to stop terrorists from launching a stink bomb into the upper atmosphere. So-n-so is addicted to morphine and alcohol due to abusive parents and a uncle that molested him and blah blah blah.

Not every day somebody slams into a guy right as he's going to shoot someone or something actiony happens. A story dosn't always have to have the depth and action of a hollywood movie.

You just don't get it, do you? You've asked for criticism, but you don't want to hear it.

What is the point of your story? Why should a reader after reading the first part want to read anything more?

Your problem is that you have a fantasy in your head about Paris Hilton, and you expect the reader to share the same fantasy. Your story just doesn't work, it's not interesting in the least. It doesn't resemble real life. You want reality? The only contact you're likely to get from Paris Hilton is a restraining order from her attorney.

My advice to you is to find an editor.

 

[mellowgyrl]

Well, I opened it and started reading, but I have to say your disclaimer thing at the beginning is a huge turn off. You're pretty much calling readers "nimrods" and whiners and pretty much making all kinds of excuses for your story. Why would anyone want to read it after an introduction like that?

You say you don't care about "grammar shit" and people shouldn't bother criticizing you. I guess you're looking for a pat on the back and a big old 'atta boy, then, right? I'd say you've come to the wrong place. Sorry.

I'm sorry but I totally agree with TK. I did the exact same thing...clicked on your link, read your disclaimer and closed out the window. You basically told me that you didn't want me to read your story and you didn't want me to comment on your story. Which leads me to wonder why you've posted in the feedback thread at all. Lord knows I'm not going to ask for fear you'll tell me to write it in a letter and send it to somebody who cares! LOL Good luck hon, hope you find whatever it is you might be looking for!

 

[FallenMorgan]

You want reality? The only contact you're likely to get from Paris Hilton is a restraining order from her attorney.

That's just hurtful.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

That's just hurtful.

No, it's not hurtful. It's reality.

 

[FallenMorgan]

For everyone here, I get what your saying and whatnot. If you don't like the diclaimer, just ignore it. Don't judge a book by it's cover, or first page. And drkside, I sent her a letter recently, I know there's a slight chance of her never getting it really, but basically all I have to live on is hope.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

For everyone here, I get what your saying and whatnot. If you don't like the diclaimer, just ignore it. Don't judge a book by it's cover, or first page. And drkside, I sent her a letter recently, I know there's a slight chance of her never getting it really, but basically all I have to live on is hope.

I read your disclaimer, and read all three pages of your story. I judged your story on its whole content. It just isn't good. The quality of the writing is very poor. Grammar is important, no matter what you think. Writers can stretch convention at times, and make it work. But, in the whole, you have to use correct grammar, otherwise what you've written is unreadable.

Characters need to be alive, and compelling. As a writer you need to make your readers like, or dislike characters. In your story, what sets Paris Hilton apart from Gertrude Finklestein from Hoboken? Nothing. You've used a name, and that's about it. Characters don't need to be ex-CIA agents to be interesting, there is something interesting in everyone. The writer's job is to find that, and exploit it.

The last line of your post is what worries me. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but if that's the way you really honestly feel, I think you need to go get some help.

 

[FallenMorgan]

I thought my feeling that way would be obvious with the poem. The thing is that it's written with the style as if it's written by someone who's not good at writing. For future stories, how can I give a character "depth"?

By the way there are three other episodes which might add 'depth' to the characters.

 

[sr71plt]

For everyone here, I get what your saying and whatnot. If you don't like the diclaimer, just ignore it. Don't judge a book by it's cover, or first page. And drkside, I sent her a letter recently, I know there's a slight chance of her never getting it really, but basically all I have to live on is hope.

You really, really don't get it, do you? Two posters have told you they just ignored your story because they didn't like the disclaimer (and you can make that three, because after reading the disclaimer, I didn't see any need to read further either). And after telling them just to ignore everything, you try to sell more segments of the story to them. You seem to be off in lala land somewhere.

And, yes, taking this to the point of sending Paris Hilton a letter about your feelings is more than I little nutty, I think.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I thought my feeling that way would be obvious with the poem. The thing is that it's written with the style as if it's written by someone who's not good at writing. For future stories, how can I give a character "depth"?

By the way there are three other episodes which might add 'depth' to the characters.

You do need to go seek some help. How can you say you love someone that you've never even met?

You add depth by painting with words. Make the characters come alive. Here's a bit from something I wrote. You will notice that Lucky is not an ex-CIA agent. There is nothing remarkable about either character, Lucky is an illiterate cow hand, and Rose works in a house of ill repute.

Lucky was pulling his pants back on when Rose looked up at him. "Can I ask you a question Lucky?"

Lucky couldn't imagine what she would want to ask him, and nodded, "Sure go ahead."

"Well, you come in here every Saturday, and always ask for me, and I was wondering why? There are prettier girls here, and well, I just wondered why you always asked for me?" Rose watched Lucky's face as she asked him her question.

"I don't think any of the other girls are any prettier than you," Lucky blushed as he replied quietly, "And you never rush me out after we are finished, and you read to me. I dunno, I guess it's because you make me feel special."

Rose smiled. "Well Lucky you make me feel special too, because you always ask for me, and when you come here, you've just come from Sal's, all clean and smelling like Wildroot, and Bay Rum."

Lucky blushed. "Well I was always taught that a fella should get his self cleaned up before going out to see a lady."

A little gasp escaped from Rose. "Is that how you see me Lucky, as a lady?"

"Yup." Lucky nodded. "I do."

Rose slid across the bed and kissed Lucky softly on the cheek. "No one has ever called me that before, and meant it. Thank you."

Lucky's face turned bright red, he looked down as he stammered, "If I-I came over on a S-Sunday, would you see me?"

"Oh Lucky, you know we can't be open on Sunday," Rose's voice was soft, and gentle.

"Oh no, I don't mean like that," Lucky looked at Rose. "I mean, like go for a walk, or a picnic, like courtin' folks do."

Rose was taken aback; it wasn't what she had expected to hear from Lucky at all. "I don't know what to say. Wouldn't you be afraid of what folks would say?"

Lucky shook his head. "There's no one in this-a-here town that I pay much mind to, I uh, never had a girl before." Lucky twisted the end of the blanket in his fingers nervously, "You're the closest thing I ever had and..." Lucky looked up at Rose. There was a look of quiet desperation to him, "Oh hell Rose, I know I ain't no prize, hell I can't even read or write. I would be honored if you would accompany me out on Sunday next."

Rose looked deep into Lucky's eyes, and while it may be true that Lucky was not the world's most handsome man, it also could be said that he was far from the world's homeliest man. What Rose saw in his eyes was a man who was simple and true, there was a straightforward honesty about him. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, she couldn't remember the last time that someone had done anything for her just out of kindness.

She liked Lucky, he came to see her every Saturday night as clean and fresh as a spring flower. He was gentle with her in his lovemaking; she had come to enjoy sex with him. With others, when there were others she was impatient for carnal activities to end, sex with them was just another financial transaction. She had something to sell, and they were looking to buy. Lucky was different, more than once she had fantasized that he was her lover, like the ones she had read about in books. Rose felt her heart pound as she looked at Lucky.

"I would be honored to accompany you on Sunday next, what time will you be calling on me?"

Lucky's face glowed. "Would eleven o'clock be too early??"

"No, eleven would be fine." She touched his face. Rose no longer saw the lanky cowboy, she saw a prince from a fairy tale in shining armor.

The look on Lucky's face said it all.

 

[FallenMorgan]

Well it's in first person, my story, the first person perspective of a mildly schitzo 25 year old.

Other than the faults what would you say the good aspects of the story are? Maybe first of all how it's one of few stories that aren't completely sex.

 

[plann]

Not wanting to be harsh but...

You really would be better off getting out and meeting some real women who may actually reciprocate the feelings you have.