I'd love some feedback

[Daniellekitten]

I have a new series coming out starting today. I've been trying to get out a chapter a day but it's been more like a chapter every other day. It's called The Gentle Highwayman and is a pre-revolutionary war romance. I'm trying to get all the information right on the historical facts so any help will be appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=352835

Thanks muchly!

 

[LadyIlsa]

Read it - loved it

I voted and commented.

My only proofing comment is - you gave away Jack's gender by using the personal pronoun 'she' and then switching back to 'he' - I figure this was a typo.

Your Hunters are a wonderful family - it's bound to be good throughout.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Good to see you haven't lost your touch, Danielle. Big five.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I thought it was well written, and interesting. I was dissapointed when the chapter ended. It had the feel of the 18th century. Keep up the great work!

 

[rachlou]

As always Danielle, you have an extraordinary talent for telling a story. My only criticism would be what's already been mentioned - the slip in she/he towards the end. It really threw me out of the story and I had to go back and re-read several times to figure it out. A proof read from somebody else would have caught that.

My other comment was in relation to the horse. Maybe it's just me, but do we always have to have our hero/heroine riding a huge black stallion?? Can't they just once ride a pidgeon toed mare called Petunia?! Ok, maybe it wouldn't have quite the same ring to it... hehe.

But joking aside, this passage here -

Tearing wildly through the trees as if all the devils in hell were after him, he barely kept control of Demon, the big black horse rearing wildly, his eyes showing white...

An out of control horse would be bolting, bit firmly between teeth. A horse that is 'rearing wildly' is basically refusing to go forward, either because it is being disobedient, or because it's frightened. In this passage, 'rearing wildly' is innappropriate. I can see what you're trying to convey, but having the horse bolt is more in tune with a mad chase across the fields. Given that your hero is a slight girl, she'd never be able to hold a huge brute of a stallion anyway, so it would most likely be out of control.

Apart from that, I very much enjoyed the story. I find your historical romances always a pleasure to read, and this was no exception. Looking forward to reading the next chapters!!

Rach

 

[MarshAlien]

It wasn’t so much your switch to “she” at the end that bothered me, as much as it was learning at the end that the supposed omniscient narrator was calling Heather “he” and “the man” until right at the end. It might have worked a little better if you had written the first part from the point of view of the robbees rather than the robbers, and switched to “Jack” and friends only after the coach left (this would have also helped me understand the little nymphomaniac Margeurite a little better – she seems awfully forward for a well-bred young girl in the 1760s or 1770s). But who am I to tell Daniellekitten how to write?

As far as the history goes, I had just a couple of problems. You refer to Heather losing the farm to redcoat taxes. The taxes imposed by the Crown on the colonies, however, tended to be excise taxes on goods. To the extent that land was taxed (depending on the colony), it was done by the colonial governments. The U.S. Treasury website actually has a fairly good history of the history of American taxation (http://www.ustreas.gov/education/fact-sheets/taxes/ustax.shtml) And one of the other problems is that the northern states, which tended to tax land, would have been the least likely to have the sort of nobility that you’re talking about, particularly living that close to each other. America tended to attract the sons of nobility rather than the nobility themselves, and when nobility did arrive, they usually had huge estates, too far apart for other lords to just pop in by horseback (so that Heather’s fleeting thought that one of the fellows on horseback is her lord is improbable).

My other problems were quibbles, at most. I have no idea what an eighteenth century saddle looked like. I’m sure they did have pommels of some sort, but the idea of tying her loot to the pommel brought to mind the image of a Western stock saddle. The idea that an indentured servant would threaten to turn her mistress in to her neighbors (which would probably guarantee her arrest) struck me as unlikely. Finally, if Father died after Graham was taken, why was there no man in the house after Graham left?

There are a few typos (the one that caught my eye was "upped the anti," and it seems to you're hurrying to get through it a bit. But it’s a wonderful adventure, dani, and I look forward to reading more. I should get back to work on my Hunters.

 

[dv8tmind]

About the first chapter

I won't be as indepth as MarshAlien. But did notice some of her comments.

But I read to be entertained. This has the attributes of being entertaining. The Margeurite part to me was the only, not quite believable part. Only because I am a big fan of 17-19th century manners and protocols. Even in the colonies at this time, women were kept on a very short leash. Especially if they had money.

Quite thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter. Will be interesting to see how Aidan will make her life more challenging. While the Hunters have a prior claim.

Thank you

 

[MarshAlien]

I won't be as indepth as MarshAlien. But did notice some of her comments.

But I read to be entertained. This has the attributes of being entertaining. The Margeurite part to me was the only, not quite believable part. Only because I am a big fan of 17-19th century manners and protocols. Even in the colonies at this time, women were kept on a very short leash. Especially if they had money.

Quite thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter. Will be interesting to see how Aidan will make her life more challenging. While the Hunters have a prior claim.

Thank you

"Her" comments? I prefer "his," and will accept "its." Being alien and all. But not "her." Maybe some of dani's gender confusion just carried over. Otherwise I shall have to call you out.

 

[dv8tmind]

Apology

MarshAlien, most profound apologies....Alien it is from now on. I can only claim confusion over the his/her he/she.

Please accept my sincerest

T

 

[Quesla]

Hi Lady Ilsa? Quesla here. Sorry to interupt on Dani's thread here. Other than starting another thread? Would you prefer that? I'd like to make comments on the 1902 Strangers in Love storry with Leanna: This was around Queen victoria's time??? Am I right? In the turn of the century, the women wore those tight high preacher collared ankle to wrist length heavy dark coloured dresses that they pinned at the collar with a cameo ovoid broach? I had always believed that the women of this eara were stern and prim. I didn't even consider that they were out in the garden pulling weeds? Yes, I can believe that they'd be frowned upon for even touching a gun of any sort, much less a long gun!

 

[LadyIlsa]

Hi Lady Ilsa? Quesla here. Sorry to interupt on Dani's thread here. Other than starting another thread? Would you prefer that? I'd like to make comments on the 1902 Strangers in Love storry with Leanna: This was around Queen victoria's time??? Am I right? In the turn of the century, the women wore those tight high preacher collared ankle to wrist length heavy dark coloured dresses that they pinned at the collar with a cameo ovoid broach? I had always believed that the women of this eara were stern and prim. I didn't even consider that they were out in the garden pulling weeds? Yes, I can believe that they'd be frowned upon for even touching a gun of any sort, much less a long gun!

I don't believe that 1902 rural America was much concerned with Queen Victoria's mores. At that time in American history, women like Annie Oakley were popular - a sure shot and wearing buckskins. The farm girls of the times were raised to be lady-like, but this was when slavery was no more, and a girl in Leanna's place would have to work the farm, either with other family members or, as written, with a hired hand. Now the city girls didn't have to weed a garden, they would have a grocer - not a garden. As for clothing, it is well documented that women would adopt men's clothing for working and riding as needed.