Horrible story

[KarennaC]

At least I'm assuming it's horrible. My story "While He's Away" was posted this morning in Letters and Transcripts. So far it's gotten a single, lone vote... of 1.00.

As transcripts go, it probably isn't all that interesting, but even the story I think is my worst has hovered between 2.50 and 3.00 (it was 3 for a brief, shining moment last night, then a vote got deleted...). I'd appreciate it if people could check out "While He's Away" and give me some ideas of what might be wrong with it, and if you like it, please vote. lol

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=351673

Thanks!

 

[Daniellekitten]

Maybe it had something to do with the way you wrote it. It's not really a story, more just a dialogue that gives not too much feeling or emotions.

 

[KarennaC]

Danielle, thank you... That makes sense, but isn't a transcript of an IM conversation supposed to be a dialogue? (That's a serious question. I looked at other transcripts before attempting one, and this seemed to be what those were.)

 

[Daniellekitten]

I've never tried to write them or even looked at them before, so I wouldn't know. But that's what I thought besides the fact that your second conversation is lost in the Literotica logo.

 

[KarennaC]

Ah, okay. Thanks very much for taking the time to look at it! And being lost in the logo would definitely be a problem. How can I get that fixed?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think Danielle caught the gist of the problem. This is an internet cyber thing. It would have played better as a story rather than a series of screen lines.

Also, I wouldn't worry about the "1" Bomb. This is the breeding season for Trolls.

 

[Daniellekitten]

Pm not email, Laurel and she'll take care of it for you.

 

[KarennaC]

Danielle and Jenny, thank you both for your input I guess Letters and Transcripts isn't really my category. lol

Danielle, I'll get in touch with Laurel about that.

Jenny, you mean there's a troll season? Hmm... does that mean there's a season when they go away, too? lol

 

[mellowgyrl]

Hmmmmm....

How can you write a transcript of an IM conversation that involved cyber sex that didn't sound like stereo instructions?

I was asking myself that as I read your "story". Is that even considered a story? I guess I'm not much help here since I have more questions than suggestions. I'm not sure what the rules are with the Letters & Transcriptions category. But maybe if you were allowed a little background with the transcript then maybe we (the readers) would be able to develop some type of relationship with the characters. It's like, if you're a participant of a sexy IM conversation then obviously the conversation is hot and you've got something at stake. But if you're a bystander or third party to a cyber sex conversation its not as hot. Flat maybe? "I would", "you would", "wish you could touch", "would have you lick". Then "I'm touching", "I'm wet", "I'm coming", "you're coming" and then "bye". Then again, maybe that's the sole purpose of a transcript.

As a reader I like to have a reason why I want Joe Blow to get some ass in a story I'm reading. As a writer I want my readers to cheer on Jane Doe into getting the ass she is seeking you know? But in a the transcript you wrote I didn't care about either party.

I'm sorry. I guess I'm not really much help, just thought I would be able to explain why the person only voted a 1 on your transcript.

BTW: You've been a busy beaver cranking out a ton of stories!

ETA: I voted too!

 

[KarennaC]

Mellowgyrl, thanks! The question at the beginning of your post is exactly what I was wondering. I know what you mean about needing to care about the characters. It is hard to develop that when all you have to go by is a conversation.

I have put out a lot of stories; trying to build up my points in the Survivor contest. lol

Thanks for voting!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny, you mean there's a troll season? Hmm... does that mean there's a season when they go away, too? lol

I'm afraid not. Trolls are like the monsters in an RPG game. You quite and shut down and they regenerate when you sign in again

 

[BOSTONFICTIONWRITER]

No one is deserving of a score of 1.0

As far as I'm concerned, no author of a story who took her or his time to craft a concept and write a story should ever receive a score of 1.0. I should know, I am probably the most bashed writer on this site for reasons unknown to me.

There are too many bashers on this site who do not know what it takes to write a story. Good or bad, I have only given someone a score of 3.0 once. All of my other votes are 4.0. Most are 5.0.

Generally, I do not continue reading a story if it is that terrible and would never bash it with such a low vote.

I wish there was a way to rid this site of people who are so insensitive to those who write here and who share their work for the benefit of others.

Good luck with your story and with your participation in the Survivor Contest.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

In no possible way was that story only worth a 1.00. Hell, I've engaged in such transcripts myself. Being a wordy sort, I wrote more than these two did, but it's certainly believable. Yeah, I voted it higher, too.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

What you have is a bare script - ready to be filmed with a director's touch - but a bit indigestible when read.

The problem is that in IM you are dealing with second person. If I were Honey I would get excited, but, as a third person reader I need to be intrigued into the cybersex.

Letters and Transcripts doesn't attract much attention, which is a shame but understandable. The one inviolable rule is to have a POV. Letters are written by the protagonist, phone sex or IM sex needs to be written from either the male or the female point of view. We have to be drawn into someone's head.

Perhaps if you had interspersed the dialogue with comments about Honey that she was turned on/excited/etc and what she was thinking, the final result would have more appeal.

As it stands, it is a bit clinical, but if you add the perspective and feelings of one of the two players you draw us in.

I voted it higher than 1, but it's not a 5.

 

[mjl2010]

I came, I saw, I read, I voted.

Ok. I didn't vote a five. Even a transcript needs to have some feeling and a point of view. This, didn't really. I just felt like, well. Here's some dialog and while what the two people are doing could be hot, it just wasn't that hot.

Maybe its just me or whatever.

At the same time, I'll give you this: There's no glaring punctuation errors, spelling or any of that. I don't much care for the movie script like dialog, but that's how a chat ends up looking. Oh, watch that ellipse I guess but now I'm nit picking.

Overall, this is a personal thing between two people. Sharing it with others will not evoke the same feeling it evokes in you. I'd expect therefore that the voting will not get you a high score, but that doesn't matter all the time.

Did you say you were in survivor? Good luck if you are.

As far as I'm concerned, no author of a story who took her or his time to craft a concept and write a story should ever receive a score of 1.0. I should know, I am probably the most bashed writer on this site for reasons unknown to me.

There are too many bashers on this site who do not know what it takes to write a story. Good or bad, I have only given someone a score of 3.0 once. All of my other votes are 4.0. Most are 5.0.

I don't wish to start an argument, but, I have to pretty much disagree. If votes give the writer an idea how well the story is written, then all the numbers from 1 to 5 are valid votes. Just because I take 15 minutes to crank out 750 words that barely coagulate into a story, doesn't make it worth a three or better. I've got crap on my hard drive that I wouldn't consider even voting a one on and I wrote it.

The way people vote around here, a three vote is a low score, a four average and a five means you got a few people to like it. TO me, it takes the meaning out of getting one of those red H's and doesn't help anyone. Seems like the same oft repeated "Everyone deserves to feel good" PC way of thinking.

That said, If you don't like cuckold stories, don't read them and don't vote on them. Don't read one and vote a one because it disgusted you. I've posted my voting standards at least twice. I think everyone should put together a vote standard that they use and stick to it.

MJL

 

[KarennaC]

Thanks, everyone I really appreciate the time you all took to look at the story and give me your feedback! And thank you to those of you who voted. I see what you mean about needing to get into one of the characters' heads and give the readers someone to care about. I'll keep that in mind if and when I try writing another transcript.

I agree, it definitely isn't a 5. I wasn't really upset by the 1, but wondered if there was something I'd missed that made it 1-worthy. Most of my stories seem to lurk in the high 3's or low 4's; I think I have three right now that have that shiny red H. lol. (And two others that had the red H briefly but lost it.)

mjl, yes, I'm in Survivor; thanks for the good luck wish Are you in it?

BFW, I've read some of your stories, and they're quite good! Thank you for the good wishes for Survivor; good luck to you as well!

Jenny, darn... we need troll repellant!

 

[starrkers]

Don't hold your breath waiting for the vote numbers to go up in Letters and Transcripts.

And I think there's a resident voter there who automatically gives 1 on everything. My letter went up in December. It's got 14 votes and got a 1 as its third vote. It's never made it to red H territory.

 

[KarennaC]

Starrkers, thanks.

Ah, a resident 1-voter. Troll lives under the Letters bridge, huh? lol

 

[tickledkitty]

Ok, here's my two cents.

I know it's supposed to be cyber, but I think a story should build into the action. It happened too quickly. I don't know how you could do it and maintain the cyber-like quality, but I think you need more build up there.

Dani was right about it not really being a story. It's more of a vignette. Just a little scene between these people. Nothing is really happening except that they're both getting off, and even that is sort of vague.

Could you perhaps flesh this out a bit more and write more of a story around it? It might be more interesting if told from one person's point of view with their thoughts and feelings included.

Maybe Honey could tease a bit and not give him what he wants so quickly. Maybe there's more to be said before they actually get into the sex.

Honestly, it's not horrible. Just not that interesting.

 

[KarennaC]

Tickledkitty, thanks for your input You've given some great suggestions!

 

[StevoHawk]

Karenna!

Just read it, and liked it a lot. Posted a comment.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

As I remember, someone fromt he AH did a Letters and Transcripts story that was wonderful a couple years ago. If I remember right, it was Jammies and someone writing back and forth. I'll look for it. I would be a good pattern for you in this catagory.


Edit: Then again, maybe not. All of Jammies stuff has been deleted. I miss her. No more Sock Stories ever

 

[KarennaC]

Steveo, I got your comment; thanks so much!

Jenny, thanks for trying to track that down for me. I'll go through the Letters and Transcripts category more fully before I attempt another story in it; I read a handful before I wrote mine, but reading more would give me a better idea of how to do it.

 

[StevoHawk]

Hey Karenna

They are what they are. Keep 'em coming. I'm new to this too, but liked what I saw. Few things are more powerful than two people getting each other off, with as few keystrokes (or real strokes) as possible. If this is an actual transcript, don't change a thing. Again, it is what it is.

StevoHawk

 

[dv8tmind]

Different

I liked it, it was a glimpse into a private moment. And it was presented in an interesting way. Not the usual. I think that might be what caught readers off guard. They wanted more?!

Who hasn't had cyber or phone sex with the other half gone. The other parts of the conversation were just enough for you to realize, they are both sexually frustrated with the seperation.

But opions are like assholes. I still enjoyed it

T