Story Feedback

[dv8tmind]

Very new to this. Have posted five new stories to try this out. Some voting and hardly any comments. I would very much like to pursue further and get better at this. So please any and all comments welcome for improvement critique. Here is a link to the first one: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=350810

And thank you ahead, for your assistance

 

[mellowgyrl]

Welcome dv8! I'm relatively new myself. I read your story and before I comment on it I had a few questions:

1) What was your goal with this story? Stroke story?

2) Did anybody edit this story before you submitted it?

 

[dv8tmind]

yes, just a stroke story, and no, no one edited.

 

[Agnol]

Private message has been sent.

If this is one of your first attempts I would definitely encourage you to keep trying. The only way anyone gets good is to keep trying.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think agnol is quite right - you can write, it's just you rush things.

I bet when you were writing this story, a million sexy and erotic images were swirling round your mind. When you read the story they come racing back - but not to us, the poor reader.

Go back and look at every paragraph and put yourself in the mind of a reader. A stroke story needs more ambience, emotion and bodily senses than a romance or thriller. To get the audience response you need to titilate.

IMHO, you didn't give enough description of the sex to get us excited - just needs expanding with a bit of description.

 

[Guest]

I agree with the comments so far, including the fact that this is a very creditable first effort.

I'd add that you could use an editor, and here's why I think so:

Your writing is a bit uneven; in many places, you use complete sentences, as in:

"I moan into her kiss, pulling her into me and pressing her ass into my hard on. She steps back and turns me, but does not let me sit. Moving her hands down my sides, under my waistband, she grabs my ass with her nails. Now I know my cock is ready, and bursting to be out of it's constriction. Hooking her thumbs on the waistband, she slowly, draws my underwear down to my ankles and helps me step out of them."

In other places, you use sentence fragments:

"Coating my cock with her juices as they run down my balls. She raises up to the tip and lets the juices drip down my cock. Then, drops quickly, to penetrate deep with in her. Making me gasp. Building my cum."

And fairly often, you use complete sentences and fragments in the same paragraph, like the one above. That can be a choice by the writer, but you have to be really skilled to make it work. A good editor can help you even out the flow of your writing.

You have substantial punctuation and spelling issues, and an editor can help you with that as well.

But for me (and remember, this is just my opinion) your story doesn't grab me because it's not about people. You haven't drawn the people well enough to pull me in. I don't mean their names or extensive background on the relationship or anything like that. I need to be able to picture them, or at least parts of them, as I read. This is all we know of the Fuck Buddy:

"And there she is in all her glory, naked, shaved and looking extremely sexy."

And

"Her pussy is so wet and tight. It clenches onto my cock and doesn't let go as I pull in and out, deeper with each thrust."

Now, bearing in mind that I don't write stroke stories, I think that even stroke stories need people who have faces and bodies and textures and colors, smells and tastes and sounds. A little of that can go a long way, but you have to give something to the reader.

Just my two cents. Keep writing, and good luck!

 

[sr71plt]

I agree with the comments so far, including the fact that this is a very creditable first effort.

I'd add that you could use an editor, and here's why I think so:

Your writing is a bit uneven; in many places, you use complete sentences, as in:

"I moan into her kiss, pulling her into me and pressing her ass into my hard on. She steps back and turns me, but does not let me sit. Moving her hands down my sides, under my waistband, she grabs my ass with her nails. Now I know my cock is ready, and bursting to be out of it's constriction. Hooking her thumbs on the waistband, she slowly, draws my underwear down to my ankles and helps me step out of them."

In other places, you use sentence fragments:

"Coating my cock with her juices as they run down my balls. She raises up to the tip and lets the juices drip down my cock. Then, drops quickly, to penetrate deep with in her. Making me gasp. Building my cum."

And fairly often, you use complete sentences and fragments in the same paragraph, like the one above. That can be a choice by the writer, but you have to be really skilled to make it work. A good editor can help you even out the flow of your writing.

You have substantial punctuation and spelling issues, and an editor can help you with that as well.

But for me (and remember, this is just my opinion) your story doesn't grab me because it's not about people. You haven't drawn the people well enough to pull me in. I don't mean their names or extensive background on the relationship or anything like that. I need to be able to picture them, or at least parts of them, as I read. This is all we know of the Fuck Buddy:

"And there she is in all her glory, naked, shaved and looking extremely sexy."

And

"Her pussy is so wet and tight. It clenches onto my cock and doesn't let go as I pull in and out, deeper with each thrust."

Now, bearing in mind that I don't write stroke stories, I think that even stroke stories need people who have faces and bodies and textures and colors, smells and tastes and sounds. A little of that can go a long way, but you have to give something to the reader.

Just my two cents. Keep writing, and good luck!

Just noting that I really, really like your avatar.

 

[Guest]

Just noting that I really, really like your avatar.

Aww... thanks!

 

[dv8tmind]

Thank you for the critiques and flattery. It has been most helpful. The rough drafts I have right now, I am going back through with everyone's suggestions. See if I can improve of the new ones. I have 4 others posted. Now I want to re-write them as well.

So her's a questions. If I re-write, I have to give another title, but does that then seem redundant? Or is it better to re-submit to see if the repsonse is better. Not sure of the protocal.