Please Give Me Some Feedback And A Direction

[sexymathstudent]

Vvv
Dddd

 

[tickledkitty]

This isn't bad. Keep going with it.

Where do you want it to go? Did these people have sex after they made the dildo? Was it better because they were so turned on by making it? What happens when Carol sees it? Does she get to try it? Do the girls use it on each other? Does the guy watch or join in? Does Susan show it to other friends? Then what happens? Do they all get to try it? Do any of them want to have sex with the guy once they see it? Would he? If so, does he keep it secret from Susan? Or not? Maybe they like it so much they ask the guy to make dildoes for them too. Do they give the dildo a name? Does this dildo have magical powers?

The posibilities are endless, but it's your story. You continue it the way you see it.

Some picky points:

You're using ellipses too often. (...) An ellipsis is only three dots and is used to show an incomplete thought.

Also, you don't need to tell Susan's breast size. Large, hanging, etc. is sufficient. I wouldn't tell penis size either, although it may be integral to the story in this case.

You seem to use exclamation points often, as well. I would limit that. I generally only use them in dialogue.

You seem to have an ear for dialogue, which is good. A lot of people struggle with that.

Find yourself a volunteer editor. They can help with so much of this.

Keep going, though, and good luck!

 

[Guest]

Another idea: you have all the makings of a first-class male humiliation story here, if your mind works that way.

It's a short step from having the latex copy displayed to girlfriends, to co-workers, and even to neighbors, to having the dildo used on him.

There's an odd kink in the psyche of a lot of males; somehow, they seem to think that, having once seen a woman naked, they then somehow have privileges with the woman's body. Almost a sense of ownership.

Males, on the other hand, aren't used to feeling like a piece of sexual meat.

Just a thought.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

The comment you made about not being excited is brilliant. At the moment your story, which has great potential as TK said, is a bit flat, a bit like commentary.

It's your tale but, for what it's worth, you could make it more exciting by surprizing us. For example, if you and Susan go into the sex shop intending to buy a DVD of 'Lesbian Babes Take It Up the Ass' - all macho and normal - then she finds the molding kit, you can play for pages on the power/submission exchange where she takes control.

You need to squeeze more excitement and embarrassment out of each step. I know if I asked my guy to make a mold of his cock, he would have palpitations - part of him with macho pride and part of him horrified of what he thought was unmanly. Play on that for a bit and the appearance of the girlfriend makes sense.

You need to decide whether this is a male humiliation piece or a raging erotic coupling story. It is a good plotline.

Some proofing points I picked up were;

‘me and my girlfriend’ should be ‘my girlfriend, Susan, and I’ – try it without girlfriend and you’ll see.

‘were in A sex shop’

Shouldn’t have a whole sentence in brackets – you don’t need them and, anyway brackets don’t belong in fiction. The sentence is fine without.

"This won't do. It's all floppy. Here, look at my tits big boy," she said

it's full 7 inch length -- I’m not a fan of measurements in stories, but, if you must use ‘seven’ not 7.

"Come on. Fuck that tube",
I was beat red. Beet red

TK is so right about the ellipses - you don't need them - all those silly dots...

Like TK and Gnome said, this is a good story line - have faith.

Elle

 

[sr71plt]

TSome proofing points I picked up were;

‘me and my girlfriend’ should be ‘my girlfriend, Susan, and I’ – try it without girlfriend and you’ll see.

Oh, nooooo, not for a story like this. The narrator here is a character too--and the colloquialism places him in a social/education-level position instanteously. Great, succinct showing.

Using the king's English in a story like this for a character not in that social/education strata would separate the narrator from the character telling this in the first person, which would be a basic mistake in the use of first-person.

This is how "wrong" editing can destroy the authenticity of a first-person-voice story.

I understand what is said here ad nauseam about not using measurements too (bra cup size and cock inches), but that shouldn't be universally used as a "never, never" bludgeon any more than anything else. Again, if in telling the story in an authentic first-person voice, the narrator is an "adolescent" type male character, he naturally will use the measurements--and it's authentic for that character to use them when he's a first-person narrator.

Having just a little bit of knowledge on creative writing and using it as an "only this/never that" whip can only help destroy storywriting.

I agree about using "seven" rather than "7," but remember to include a hyphen too: "seven-inch cock"

I think the plot line is great. Hope you go for it.

 

[cloudy]

I understand what is said here ad nauseam about not using measurements too (bra cup size and cock inches), but that shouldn't be universally used as a "never, never" bludgeon any more than anything else. Again, if in telling the story in an authentic first-person voice, the narrator is an "adolescent" type male character, he naturally will use the measurements--and it's authentic for that character to use them when he's a first-person narrator.

How many "adolescent" type male characters" can judge a womans bra size, cup included, with just a glance?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

"This won't do. It's all floppy. Here look at my tits big boy" she said as she held my cock in her hand and pulled her top off with her other hand. She wore a large D cup bra to contain her large breasts. Despite having a small firm body, her tits were anything but firm, in fact they hung down pretty far, but what can you expect when your tits are that big? As I struggled to massage her soft left breast in my hand, my cock began to lengthen to it's full 7 inch length and curve slightly to the left the way it does. Honestly, it felt really good.

Your second paragraph. For starters, you have a punctuation problem. The third sentence should read: "Here look at my tits, big boy." As was mentioned before, the D-cup thing is really not necessary. Later in the piece you talk about you "7 inch" cock. Again, not necessary. Actually, I wonder if she would refer to her knockers as "big tits".

You exclamation points indicate the characters are screaming. That's not needed here at all. And the elypsis has only 3, not 2, not 4 dots and is used to indicate an incomplete thought. Rarely it is used to indicate a long pause in dialogue, but only sparingly.

My impression is your dialogue would do better in venacular, rather than proper english. No becomes naw. Yes becomes yeah, etc.

I'm not sure where you would go with this story. It's not the kind of story I would write. My first thoughts are, he goes away and she uses the dildo a lot. He goes away and she uses the dildo on her girlfriend. He doesn't go away and she uses the dildo on his ass (there's a bit of humerous irony). It all depends on what kind of story you intended.

 

[sr71plt]

How many "adolescent" type male characters" can judge a womans bra size, cup included, with just a glance?

This issue is what characters would think/say/claim, not some sort of scientific fact of what they are really likely to know. The point here is a narrator in first person being an authentic character and talking/acting like one. Experienced, trained writers would know the difference.

 

[Guest]

This issue is what characters would think/say/claim, not some sort of scientific fact of what they are really likely to know. The point here is a narrator in first person being an authentic character and talking/acting like one. Experienced, trained writers would know the difference.

Actually, the point is to edit in the context of the story itself. In the first line, the narrator says that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. The likelihood is high, in this context, that he would know her cup size. Not so for just-met strangers.

 

[mellowgyrl]

Actually, the point is to edit in the context of the story itself. In the first line, the narrator says that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. The likelihood is high, in this context, that he would know her cup size. Not so for just-met strangers.

Really? Cuz my husband doesn't know my cup size and I wouldn't ever guess what size his cock is! If on the off chance that I was to describe his dick I'm sure it wouldn't be in inches rather in the way it made me feel. I'm sure if he had to describe my chest he wouldn't say I was a B, C, or D cup he'd use some other comparison - handful or otherwise.

 

[Guest]

Really? Cuz my husband doesn't know my cup size and I wouldn't ever guess what size his cock is! If on the off chance that I was to describe his dick I'm sure it wouldn't be in inches rather in the way it made me feel. I'm sure if he had to describe my chest he wouldn't say I was a B, C, or D cup he'd use some other comparison - handful or otherwise.

OK, fair enough. Let's just say that's it plausible in context, rather than highly likely, and let it go.

 

[sr71plt]

Actually, the point is to edit in the context of the story itself. In the first line, the narrator says that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. The likelihood is high, in this context, that he would know her cup size. Not so for just-met strangers.

Yes, I agree with you that an in-character narrator of this story, as established by the first-person narrator/character, would know what his girlfriend's cup size was--and further, would be titilated (pun intended) by its size and would also comment on it about any time he got the opportunity (which is what I was saying about what I thought was bad advice from Elfin--and that was then repeated by Jenny).

The creative writing point (which I think should be the actual point) is that it's authentic for the first-person narrator/character in a story like this not only to say "me and my girlfriend" but also to fixate on cup and cock size--in this case a young male taking his girlfriend to a sex shop. This is all showing of character--succinctly and clearly. In first-person narration, the narrator is a character in the story. That being the case he/she should talk like and about what is authentic to that character.

Anybody here remember and have read Mickey Spillane?

 

[Boxlicker101]

Yes, I agree with you that an in-character narrator of this story, as established by the first-person narrator/character, would know what his girlfriend's cup size was--and further, would be titilated (pun intended) by its size and would also comment on it about any time he got the opportunity (which is what I was saying about what I thought was bad advice from Elfin--and that was then repeated by Jenny).

The creative writing point (which I think should be the actual point) is that it's authentic for the first-person narrator/character in a story like this not only to say "me and my girlfriend" but also to fixate on cup and cock size--in this case a young male taking his girlfriend to a sex shop. This is all showing of character--succinctly and clearly. In first-person narration, the narrator is a character in the story. That being the case he/she should talk like and about what is authentic to that character.

Anybody here remember and have read Mickey Spillane?

I would be inclined to disagree about grammar. In dialogue, it's fine to have people speak the way they really speak. In narration, however, I suggest strongly that you be grammatical, unless it gets in the way of the story.

I think the cock size is imortant because there would be different size kits to choose from. They might be like "Large" and "Medium" and "King-sized" (NEVER "Small") or they might be in inches. The cup size is not important, and you probably wouldn't know it, unless you bought her a bra for Valentine's Day, or something like that.

She did not say "...my big tits" She said "...my tits,Big Boy" which is okay. She might say boobs or tits or knockers; she would not say breasts, in that context.

This looks like a good start. Carol, of course, will use the new dildo, and will be told it is molded from you. You getting it in your ass might be fun too, if the girl friend likes anal sex. She might want you to experience it too.

ETA: However, it is badly in need proofreading. there are quite a few misspellings. You can't trust Spellcheck to spot things like peaked/peeked or other problems when the misspelling is an actual word.

 

[mellowgyrl]

OK, fair enough. Let's just say that's it plausible in context, rather than highly likely, and let it go.

Agreed

 

[sr71plt]

I would be inclined to disagree about grammar. In dialogue, it's fine to have people speak the way they really speak. In narration, however, I suggest strongly that you be grammatical, unless it gets in the way of the story.

I think the cock size is imortant because there would be different size kits to choose from. They might be like "Large" and "Medium" and "King-sized" (NEVER "Small") or they might be in inches. The cup size is not important, and you probably wouldn't know it, unless you bought her a bra for Valentine's Day, or something like that.

She did not say "...my big tits" She said "...my tits,Big Boy" which is okay. She might say boobs or tits or knockers; she would not say breasts, in that context.

This looks like a good start. Carol, of course, will use the new dildo, and will be told it is molded from you. You getting it in your ass might be fun too, if the girl friend likes anal sex. She might want you to experience it too.

This is first-person narration, not third-person narration. The narrator is one of the characters--probably the central character. The character needs to speak in character, in both narration and dialogue, in first-person voice stories. This is a basic point of writing. Either people have gotten the point by now, or they are being purposely obtuse, or they aren't going to get the point and probably shouldn't try to write in the first person.

 

[sexymathstudent]

Thanks

This isn't bad. Keep going with it.

Where do you want it to go?

Some picky points:

You're using ellipses too often. (...) An ellipsis is only three dots and is used to show an incomplete thought.

Also, you don't need to tell Susan's breast size. Large, hanging, etc. is sufficient. I wouldn't tell penis size either, although it may be integral to the story in this case.

Some of these minor punctuation and spelling mistakes arise from the fact that I was trying to write quickly in order to create a more natural, flowing, story. I plan on concentrating on that later.

As for the breast size and cock size thing... um... I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that yes I have measured it in the past (what teenage boy hasn't) and my girlfriend measured it once too (a ruler happened to be around ). So that part doesn't seem unrealistic to me. Likewise I tend to think of breasts in terms of cup size. It seems like a perfect system, you need 4 sizes: Big, Medium, Small, Flat. Basically, I'm writing this from my actual perspective because I don't feel I have the writing ability to create an entirely new character whose actions are consistent. Maybe I should try that, but I'm having I hard enough time writing from my point of view. So the question seems to be whether I should try and capture my reality authentically or use words that are more descriptive then I really tend to use.

Thanks for the ideas about the direction the story could take. I'm still struggling with this. I wouldn't have them hem using the dildo on him though. I guess most guys have a bit of an aversion to that.

 

[sexymathstudent]

hmmm

Really? Cuz my husband doesn't know my cup size and I wouldn't ever guess what size his cock is! If on the off chance that I was to describe his dick I'm sure it wouldn't be in inches rather in the way it made me feel. I'm sure if he had to describe my chest he wouldn't say I was a B, C, or D cup he'd use some other comparison - handful or otherwise.

i guess i differ from your husband because that is how I would describe my girlfriends. I think she would give the number of inches my penis is IF she were asked to describe it. (BUT we are mathematicians...) . However, I must admit that "a handful" is a much more suggestive and colorful description.

 

[sexymathstudent]

Part 2

Vvv
Dddd

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I wouldn't have them hem using the dildo on him though. I guess most guys have a bit of an aversion to that.

That's the entire point! Most guys who have never tried getting "pegged" have a bit of an aversion to it. However, once their lucious lady has introduced them to the almost excruciating delights it can give, they change their minds very quickly. Getting pegged isn't about humiliation because it isn't humiliating. It's an amazing lot of fun and it's a wise and wonderful woman who will seduce her guy into accepting it. Yes, he should be reluctant, even alarmed but the girls should overwhelm him and leave him happy and exhausted about 2 pages later.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Oh, nooooo, not for a story like this. The narrator here is a character too--and the colloquialism places him in a social/education-level position instanteously. Great, succinct showing.

Using the king's English in a story like this for a character not in that social/education strata would separate the narrator from the character telling this in the first person, which would be a basic mistake in the use of first-person.

This is how "wrong" editing can destroy the authenticity of a first-person-voice story.

I understand what is said here ad nauseam about not using measurements too (bra cup size and cock inches), but that shouldn't be universally used as a "never, never" bludgeon any more than anything else. Again, if in telling the story in an authentic first-person voice, the narrator is an "adolescent" type male character, he naturally will use the measurements--and it's authentic for that character to use them when he's a first-person narrator.

Having just a little bit of knowledge on creative writing and using it as an "only this/never that" whip can only help destroy storywriting.

I agree about using "seven" rather than "7," but remember to include a hyphen too: "seven-inch cock"

I think the plot line is great. Hope you go for it.

Resisting a primeval response to say you are an arrogant asshole, I will just say I think you are completely wrong.

To sit on your lofty perch and poke fun at anyone pointing out basic errors is appalling.

Creative writing, as far as I know, doesn't require the protag to break the rules of grammar - unless there's a good reason.

Here, the mistake grated as the rest of the story wasn't written in the style of an ignoramus.

 

[mjl2010]

That's the entire point! Most guys who have never tried getting "pegged" have a bit of an aversion to it. However, once their lucious lady has introduced them to the almost excruciating delights it can give, they change their minds very quickly. Getting pegged isn't about humiliation because it isn't humiliating. It's an amazing lot of fun and it's a wise and wonderful woman who will treat her guy to it. Yes, he should be reluctant, even alarmed but the girls should overwhelm him and leave him happy and exhausted about 2 pages later.

Not to start a thread-jack but...

I don't think so. Come any where near my ass with something like that and you'll find yourself waking up on the floor with a broken jaw.

And I would call it a lot more than "a bit of an aversion".

edited to removed this line as I misread V_M :I'd also say that "Most Guys" is also overstated.

Ending thread-jack.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'm not sure what the fuck is going on here, but we don't review stories in pieces. We are not here to help the newbie write the "great American novel." I'm done with this. We gave him our opinion, "he who shall remain nameless" came in and started a useless squabble (Gee, like that's NEVER happened before) and now this guy wants a critique of his next segment.

I'm outa here.

 

[tickledkitty]

Resisting a primeval response to say you are an arrogant asshole, I will just say I think you are completely wrong.

To sit on your lofty perch and poke fun at anyone pointing out basic errors is appalling.

Creative writing, as far as I know, doesn't require the protag to break the rules of grammar - unless there's a good reason.

Here, the mistake grated as the rest of the story wasn't written in the style of an ignoramus.

At the risk of being called an asshole or worse (as if that hasn't happened before ), I have to say I disagree with you, elfin. I don't think sr was referring specifically to grammar rules as much as the narrator telling the story as only this particular narrator can do it.

Let's look at an example, shall we?

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfiield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them.

Recognize it? That is the much-loved voice of Holden Caufield. THIS is what sr was referring to. The very first sentence in the book is a run-on sentence. If we wanted to make it all pretty and grammatical and correct, we'd probably make it into two sentences, take out all the "ands" and take out the phrase "and all." That wouldn't be Holden though, would it?

You say the rules shouldn't be broken unless there's a good reason. The narrator staying in character isn't a good reason?

I'm not sure why we can't have a discussion on this forum without it ending in name calling and bad feelings. We are all adults here, right? I mean, we do have the ability to disagree with someone without making it a personal assassination of the person's character. Don't we?

I remain hopeful.

 

[sr71plt]

At the risk of being called an asshole or worse (as if that hasn't happened before ), I have to say I disagree with you, elfin. I don't think sr was referring specifically to grammar rules as much as the narrator telling the story as only this particular narrator can do it.

Let's look at an example, shall we?



Recognize it? That is the much-loved voice of Holden Caufield. THIS is what sr was referring to. The very first sentence in the book is a run-on sentence. If we wanted to make it all pretty and grammatical and correct, we'd probably make it into two sentences, take out all the "ands" and take out the phrase "and all." That wouldn't be Holden though, would it?

You say the rules shouldn't be broken unless there's a good reason. The narrator staying in character isn't a good reason?

I'm not sure why we can't have a discussion on this forum without it ending in name calling and bad feelings. We are all adults here, right? I mean, we do have the ability to disagree with someone without making it a personal assassination of the person's character. Don't we?

I remain hopeful.

Thank you, TK. I'm glad someone understands that the narrator of a first-person voice work is a character in the work and the narration has to establish and maintain that character as much as dialogue does.

The opening paragraph of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:

"YOU don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The
Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made
by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which
he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is nothing. I never
seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was Aunt Polly, or
the widow, or maybe Mary. Aunt Polly--Tom's Aunt Polly, she is--and
Mary, and the Widow Douglas is all told about in that book, which is
mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before."

Enough said, I certainly hope--at least for anyone who pays an ounce of attention to this part of the thread's discussion and wants to write (or critique) fiction.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I'm not sure what the fuck is going on here, but we don't review stories in pieces. We are not here to help the newbie write the "great American novel." I'm done with this. We gave him our opinion, "he who shall remain nameless" came in and started a useless squabble (Gee, like that's NEVER happened before) and now this guy wants a critique of his next segment.

I'm outa here.

This is not a review. We are merely encouraging a newbie to write, and giving him some suggestions.