Asking Feedback "Night of lust for a small woman Ch.2"

[thekarpathianman]

Please let me know your comments about the story and your suggestions how to proceed.
Tell me if I have to modify something or if I have to stop it because you don't like.
Thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=350489

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not one to expound on the virtues of using an editor, but I think you are in dire need of one. I think you've used every cliche in porn writing, from the obligatory "Oh, Daddy" to a group of well hung black males ravaging a tiny white girl.

 

[thekarpathianman]

Asking feedback "Night of lust for a small woman Ch.2"

Please let me know your comments about the story and your suggestions how to proceed.
Tell me if I have to modify something or if I have to stop it because you don't like.
Thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=350489

No more feedback?

 

[PrincessErin]

I read the story and this is what I posted in the feedback section.

"It was a good effort but not my type of story. I think the story line is great however you need to improve on your descriptions. Using numbers such as age, height, breast size etc, wasn't very good. I'm sure others like this type of story and I bet you have a lot of views for this story."

With that said keep writing. I read some of your other comments and people like this type of story. I'm not sure when you posted this story but having 5 comments is pretty good considering some/most stories don't get any.

 

[litchipking]

Good idea

Part of what works for me is a good story idea. I really like the premise behind this story and even though I'm not really into the incest, I can appreciate the direction you are going.

The biggest turnoff for me was the dialogue. It just didn't seem real in any way. I will admit that there are many sexual experiences that I haven't had, but never have I said, had said to me, or even heard of anyone ever saying:

"Slick me a little, before working my cock between your orbs, baby."

“…Rub my cock with your babies!!"

"So much sperm," she mumbled.

"Is this what your men and boys made to you?"

"You are mine, baby; I fucked you totally, you big titted little lady!!"

"Cum, baby; cum, you big titted mommy; I'm making you a woman, with this big cock; you sucked your son and now your master is fucking you and milking your big melons,"

"Ohhhhhhh. . . yes, daddy, you can fuck me all night, with this monster cock; you are the strongest man of my life; nobody fucked me as you,"

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Maybe it's just me, but that dialogue makes it hard for me to continue reading. Also, you may want to consider cutting back a bit on the use of exclaimation marks. A couple per story are usually enough and never use more than one at a time!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You've got a pretty deep story line going here; lots of action, lots of sex, lots of violence. In my personal opinion, if you did nothing but fix the dialogue, your story would be twice as good.

Good luck and keep writing.

Chip