The More than a blurt thread, prose, poetry and manic tirades

[Gi_Venus]

Striving to stay on my diet, the ice cream in the freezer calls to me but I will resist for it is back to my intent of a dancers bod, the joy of the music movement and rhythm, a celebration of life in motion. It brings one to an acuity and when you find a good dance partner....oo la...la the ultimate interactive experience...okay...sex is better but this is something more spiritual. You both light up, when one leads their partner through the moves it is an aniticipation....one follows the other leads, when it works the magic appears....smiling faces...excited eyes.... flowing movement.....feeling of life....the heart sings.

 

[Misty_Morning]

Striving to stay on my diet, the ice cream in the freezer calls to me but I will resist for it is back to my intent of a dancers bod, the joy of the music movement and rhythm, a celebration of life in motion. It brings one to an acuity and when you find a good dance partner....oo la...la the ultimate interactive experience...okay...sex is better but this is something more spiritual. You both light up, when one leads their partner through the moves it is an aniticipation....one follows the other leads, when it works the magic appears....smiling faces...excited eyes.... flowing movement.....feeling of life....the heart sings.

I'll have you know that I just recently threw out the left over ice cream from the time that you and the youngster came to visit.




We never did dance...looking forward to it next time.

Dance with me Darlin....let the music play...let us take delite in friends laughing in one another arms.


Let's dance.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I'll have you know that I just recently threw out the left over ice cream from the time that you and the youngster came to visit.




We never did dance...looking forward to it next time.

Dance with me Darlin....let the music play...let us take delite in friends laughing in one another arms.


Let's dance.

We shall

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have no life in me today only sorrow. I put up a cheerful front for my little son as I got him off to school. Emptiness consumes me as the chaos of the day swallows up any vestiges of spirit. Tears....I do not even know why I am crying....the sorrow of the starving masses in Africa and China? My own broken heart lost in the world, ever seeking that which does not exist. Cut off from God, from "ache"(life force)ever lost never knowing what to seek. "I" never existed, "I" am a construct, an effigy put up to the world so that I might fit this shell of a mans body. I am a woman who has never known herself who is terrified of the world. There are no advocates for such as me, no knights to rescue me from the maelstrom of hell which is my mind and so I wander.

 

[Gi_Venus]

My mood is opposite yesterdays thank god, it is wonderful to be in the creative process with something that is alive and growing. I was working on a bossa nova guitar piece that has the potential of the addition of lyrics....now what shall I compose? A song of the heart? An expression of joy and warmth of life? The Bossa nova is too vivacious to be a thing of sorrow.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Eloquent is the word spoken from the heart
rich with meaning and intent its truth rings with wonder and beauty.
Happy Valentines Day dear ones.

 

[Gi_Venus]

A few blurts from the bar.

The smiling faces ease my hurt
laughing they chase away the night.
They are in the moment of joy.
Lifes harshness holds not attention here.

Dressed but no one cares
the stench of smoke hides my expensive perfume
burning my eyes, clouding the night.
Valentines day...hurrah....the emptiness of a crowded bar.
Another of the isolated Islands of solitude.

Dreaming....... As I stand deep in thought she comes up behind me,
her fragrance a welcome bouquett, she presses against me.
I push back into her as she kisses my neck, a sigh escapes me, turning I face her into a hot embrace, a kiss losing all sense of self, definition fades as loving emotions arise...Oh! Such a kiss, such a soulful embrace. Hungrily my lips embrace hers........our tongues dance...our bodies merge closer yet.

Standing across the bar I saw her, a transexual out in the night, her uncertainty on her face, she was frightened yet also exhilerated to be out in the world as herself. Her eyes kept casting down in her shyness, surrounded by her stalwart friends she is emboldened to face the night.

She moves with liquid grace
Sultry, sexy she knows her power.
Hip juxtaposed into a spin, dark eyes flashing
her lovely leg poised just for an instant
angled as an invitation.
A compulsion to the eye, to follow
that lovely line to her voluptuous form
fleetingly she moves rolling hips in the rhythm
the dancer weaves her magic beauty to the eye.

 

[Gi_Venus]

ahhh...now why does shopping for clothes feel sooooo good?.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Beauty is found within all of us, it is where we turn our attention. What we think is what we perceive. With the world full of hurt and pain it is important that we color it in the way we wish it to be. When badgered by daily events
it is hard to stay focused in a place of beauty, but the more success one has the better life becomes. What happens is that our thoughts stay in better places when it becomes habit....so that even when ugly things happen we color the situation in the best way. Beauty as a way of being gives us a chance at life.... Always walk the high road for it is fundamental in a recovery of self.

Feel slighted? don't, people have their lives and their priorities and their own individual realities, if you are lucky your life will mesh with theirs for a time. Take those moments to their best essence and remember that they will drift in and out of your life and that is okay. Enjoy them when they are there. The universe will bless you with a soul mate one day.

Hate is a corrupter of life no matter how well justified. It bends and tortures so that we become alien to ourselves. Stay away from it.

 

[Gi_Venus]

The muse sometimes takes us
when it cries out it must be answered
sweet notes in the night
accents of my heart.
Alone in the dark
the music flows
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1010561resizedCopy2.jpg

 

[Gi_Venus]

It is not surprising my heart is as a rictus.
all life drains from me as does hope.
bare branches that have no buds
with fingers reaching towards a gray sky.
A cry into a night where no one listens.
Always alone, always alone
There is no hope for such as me
caught in a maze of my own devising.
My friend dying of cancer
wished desperately for life
The night took her on my birthday,
would that I could give her my light,
it suites me not it denies me joy
in the dark recesses of my pain.

 

[Gi_Venus]

With Trepidation I waited for my call from my therapist, too many rough moments over the past week, too many tears. The cell phone rings...I jump startled even though I knew the call was coming.
Doc: Gianna how are you doing?
Me: Not so good, I had 4 melt downs over the past three days.
Doc: What is going on?
Me: I really don't know, I cannot figure it out, but I have been so depressed. Perhaps it is my birthday, reflections on life ruminating on all the things I cannot seem to come to terms with over and over again.
(here comes the fun part)
Doc: Ahhh You are such a crybaby.
Me: What?!
Doc: You can deal with things, you just do not want to. You are a spoiled brat.*giggle* You have lived a lie all your life. Just be yourself that is all you have to do.
Me: Bastard! (outraged at this point but disarmed by the giggle start to laugh at the ridiculous nature of his confrontation) :note: I was about to cry at the beginning of the conversation.
Me: Doctor, your methods are rather unorthodox.
Doc: *laughing* Yes they are but they work. (in a more serious voice) I am not going to let you pile wood on the pyre and be a Joan of Arc.
Me: (changing the subject) I met a transgendered woman online who is 66, she has no common sense she dresses like a 20 year old in a mini skirt, with a lot of make up, her pictures are horrible! Why doesn't she see?(wondering about myself)
Doc: Oh the poor dear! You should not say anything to her. Her illusions are all she has. Everyone lives a fantasy to one degree or the other it is what makes life bareable. You on the other hand need reality.
Me: *laughing* why do I need reality? And I did not say anything to her, I would not do that, it would be cruel.
Doc: She does not have a life, you do, you have a life ahead of you, you have potential. It is not about being female, it is just being you. You have spent your entire life being someone else, suppressing your true nature it is time to enjoy life, to be you.
Me: God! I am such a mess, my life is totally chaotic, I do not know where to start.
Doc: Start in little steps...one step at a time. Don't look at the big picture, you will feel overwhelmed and defeat yourself. You have habits and behaviors that once you change will totally change your life..........

 

[Gi_Venus]

How does one find themselves? I mean as a transgendered person I have a brain that is mismatched with my body(that is changing thank god) as a result I fabricated a identity to match my body even though my brain was not designed to work with that body.... In a normal person the match is natural, so that the identity that evolves has a much more likely genuiness to it. I mean....most people when they say this is me....probably are to some degree being truthfull. When I say this is me.....I do not know anymore...I used to feel like I had a strong sense of self but really other than knowing that I love and like people, I know very little about myself....this at once intriguing and distressing. For instance...my innate self is a moral person..I have a strong sense of justice of right and wrong and feel accountable to this feeling. I am not cruel. I love nature, arts and music, I love the idea of potential within all of us. I am a woman. But other than these things....who am I? How do I find out? I think by living...simply being...lol how does one do that? Eep!

 

[Gi_Venus]

My happiness lingers
like some half seen dream
tantalizing mirage of heart
driving me forward
can I capture it?
Hold it to me and those that I love?
So that it becomes a source of healing for the world.
Hold forth the light, only it is worthy of our dedication.
Stand fast to the misery of the world and kiss it with love.
So that it might transcend to grace and beauty.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Hello world, How might I serve you?
Truly it is a matter of serving you up and then offering myself or vice versa.
Is there balance out there? Does it matter? Or is the universe so vast anything that exists is insignificant. How does meaning matter in the face of so much?
In light of so much it is nice that we have each other. I mean to face everything so vast alone makes even the most cantankerous character welcome. So with this warped logic in mind....lets welcome each other, at least smile at each other while we waste each other. *sigh*

 

[Gi_Venus]

Ever I dance the contrast of light and dark
ruminations of death in the night
the sun on my face in the morning
The water on the Lagoon dances in the light
Ideations pondering the end to my pain
loneliness terrible loneliness
would even a kiss transcend
the abyss present in my heart?
I so wish to end my life sometimes,
Liquid music flows from my fingers
weaving a tapestry of loveliness
it heals, it gives meaning
to what seems meaningless sometimes.
Beauty and ugliness they contrast,
they are my life.
Does any of it matter?
Is the dance all that matters?
Words are only words
they convey expressions of thought
terrible in their honesty
they portray the heart.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Even as I write these words I do not know what to say,
gentle rebirth is a part of this day, For Christians it is a most holy day. For me, for years, an exercise in futility for in a mind compromised there is no hope. Hope demonstrated was a cruel joke, a lie for there was no truth even within myself. Suffering and dying, the after life a horrible prank on the masses forcing them to compromise their life here upon this earth. Bitterness consumes and turns even beauty into a falsehood.
Somehow things are different this day, the quiet of the morning, playing gentle music to the growing light, soft rain drops on the leaves, smiles with my child my heart cannot be bitter. Hope does exist, it is the core within each and everyone of us. God is not something out there but something to be experienced and expressed within each and everyone of us NOW. It is the gentle yet strong force, the unlimited potential within each and everyone of us...the bud of creation waiting to be expressed into full flower. Bitterness and hate, and sorrow are the forces of anti creation, the inhibitors of God for with them on the mind we cannot move forward and express such wonderfulness.
Prayer, meditation, or quiet are ways of release from the tensions that keep us from that ulitimate expression of life. We have to let go of the very things that are important to us sometimes in order to be ourselves The misery, the hurt is not us....that is not who we are. We are all creatures of light, it is our own responsibility to make ourselves so.

*grin* this concludes this morning's sermon turn to page 100 of the hymnal and sing whatever the fuck you want to.

 

[Gi_Venus]

A session with my therapist, it gives me hope sometimes. The coming of self realization, to know me not as they wish to see me, not as I wish to see me...but me with all my likes and dislikes moving with the purpose that has eluded me all my life. It is the lack of resolution, a ghost cannot grasp life. But to be life...ahh Now there is the truth.

 

[Gi_Venus]

How to be passionate in life? It is to believe in one's self, to often we allow the pettiness of hurt to dominate our lives in how we perceive transgressions against us, if there are none...what happens to our feelings? If we give attention to our hurt it becomes a force often difficult to deal with. Untainted by such emotions, we can fly.

 

[Gi_Venus]

As you climb the mountain, which stones are important enough to put in your back pack? always we carry more than we should. What is important enough? Some stones must be left behind, for some things in life are too burdensome. Which stones are worth the effort of carrying? Which things have value to us? *grin* A wonderful friend gave me that metaphor.

 

[Gi_Venus]

And so I begin my Sunday night vigil
lamenting in the dark.
caught in the sorrows of my limitations
my lack of identity and self assurance
erodes my hope.
A strange place of not knowing who I am,
caught in old male habits, the female me struggles
in my bondage of habits of darkness.
A manic dance of duality, cursed and hurtful
Yes I shall cry, for even as I try to release myself
I fall back...fall back into the night.
Shivering I hold myself, for there are none to hold me
to kiss me and tell me it will be okay.
Yet I have to face the new day in a world
that is not always welcoming to such as I

 

[Gi_Venus]

The sun rises regardless of the darkness of night.
with it the sound of beautiful song and bright color. Such a contrast to my night.

http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1020074aresized.jpg

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

The sun rises regardless of the darkness of night.
with it the sound of beautiful song and bright color. Such a contrast to my night.

When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more.

 

[Gi_Venus]

When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more.

Steely Dan! Lol I have that album around here somewhere. probably buried under my latin collection

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Steely Dan! Lol I have that album around here somewhere. probably buried under my latin collection

I think we'd get along well.

Nothing pisses me off more than when they muzak-ize The Dan.