sinnocence
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Advice?
- Thread starter sinnocence
- Start date
Byakuya
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I'm not an expert on "the lifestyle" by any means, but I think you should just take things naturally. Don't force yourself to be something you're not. If you don't want to "give in completely" then perhaps that's not what you should do. Maybe you could limit your submissive nature to certain times, such as during sex, and during other times have more of a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
HottieMama
Notta Domme
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This lifestyle and "submission" (For that matter, dominance as well) is a journey, NOT a destination. Learn as much as you can along the way and just take it as it comes.
As a thought...Why is there a difference between "Daddy mode" and "boyfriend mode?" That would confuse me...
As a thought...Why is there a difference between "Daddy mode" and "boyfriend mode?" That would confuse me...
SweetGigi
I am the exception
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First of all, I understand the need to gauge yourself against others, but i strongly urge you not to do that. Since we are all different, there is no way for you to acurately measure yourself against us. To do so will only cause you undue stress and cause you to feel inadequate- which you are not.
Secondly, I agree with Byakuya. Don't force things. You have to let this happen at your natural pace. Change does not come easy nor is sudden change ever permenant. If you were to change for anything less than the right reason- which is the betterment of one's self- at any pace you would soon develope feelings of bitter regret and remorse for 'being forced' to change. Rapid change as well is a negative concept since it is never full and complete. It will too build feelings of resentment and spite when you finally realize the change is not deeply rooted. You owe it to yourself and your DOM to do this the best and most sure way. It took you years to become who you are now-- why would it take anything less than something just as substainical to change?
And to address your thoughts of your DOM leaving you b/c 'so much time has gone by [with little change] or because I'm too much work', I have only one thing to say: bullcrap. A good man would never just abandon a work in progress just because there isn't enough change in a slotted amount of time. And if he is willing to leave you for this- screw him anyway. He is only worried about himself and not the over all well-being of the relationship and you. From how you've talked about him, though, he is not like this, so I don't think you will have to worry about such a fate.
Rest easy and just relax. It will happen when it is time to happen- not a moment before.
Secondly, I agree with Byakuya. Don't force things. You have to let this happen at your natural pace. Change does not come easy nor is sudden change ever permenant. If you were to change for anything less than the right reason- which is the betterment of one's self- at any pace you would soon develope feelings of bitter regret and remorse for 'being forced' to change. Rapid change as well is a negative concept since it is never full and complete. It will too build feelings of resentment and spite when you finally realize the change is not deeply rooted. You owe it to yourself and your DOM to do this the best and most sure way. It took you years to become who you are now-- why would it take anything less than something just as substainical to change?
And to address your thoughts of your DOM leaving you b/c 'so much time has gone by [with little change] or because I'm too much work', I have only one thing to say: bullcrap. A good man would never just abandon a work in progress just because there isn't enough change in a slotted amount of time. And if he is willing to leave you for this- screw him anyway. He is only worried about himself and not the over all well-being of the relationship and you. From how you've talked about him, though, he is not like this, so I don't think you will have to worry about such a fate.
Rest easy and just relax. It will happen when it is time to happen- not a moment before.
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D
Daddy2mylilgirl
Guest
Yea that was my fault. I thought it would help us and her to separate the boyfriend side and the Daddy side but it did confuse things more.
D
Daddy2mylilgirl
Guest
Thank you.
I have been trying to tell her it will take time but she wants it to happen right now.
And I have told her I will wait for as long as it takes for this to happen and even if it doesn't I still will be with her. I love her.
YourCaptor
Cute Girl Connoisseur
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If you where perfect, then what would be the point of your bondage?
Are you worried that he may abandon you?
If so, even slightly, you should talk to him about it. If you are not comforted by what he says I would seriously suggest re-evaluating the trust in your relationship.
Are you worried that he may abandon you?
If so, even slightly, you should talk to him about it. If you are not comforted by what he says I would seriously suggest re-evaluating the trust in your relationship.
myinnerslut
His chains. His lash.
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A and i began our relationship as a bf/gf. about six months in i brought up the topic of submission. we added it into our relationship slowly. as time passed we added more. it grew and developed and now largly defines our relationship. we are not 24/7, so there are times when we are still bf/gf, but i never forget that i am his sub.
i feel that we are largely in the same situation. relativly young, LDR, not 24/7. A is both my bf AND my dom. its confusing when you throw D/s into the mix. i hope things work out and feel free to pm me if you want to talk
i feel that we are largely in the same situation. relativly young, LDR, not 24/7. A is both my bf AND my dom. its confusing when you throw D/s into the mix. i hope things work out and feel free to pm me if you want to talk
VelvetDarkness
Polysyllable Whore x
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Master and I started out in an LDR and we were both new to D/s. We didn't become M/s until we moved in together three months ago.
To start with, I was his sub and he was my Sir. Because we were both inexperienced we felt that these were suitable roles for us. I know that a title is what you make it but it was nice to feel that we were both learning together.
Quite often I would completely forget that I was supposed to be a sub. We were also aware of the danger of him appearing to be an asshole to others because he has overall control. Despite the fact that he had the final word on things right from the start, I only really felt like a sub when we were in the bedroom. Lovemaking and sexual play are an affirmation of everything else that you feel for each other so it was bound to be intense for us but I felt at the time that my day to day submission didn't match up to the sexual play we had. It wasn't a disparity, it takes time to see that.
When we moved on to 24/7 M/s and started living together, my slavery became more service oriented. There's nothing particularly knee-tremblingly erotic about making his breakfast, running his bath, doing his laundry, cooking the meals and so on. It is a deeper level of submission but (for me at least) it's become so much a part of my routine that I almost forget that other women don't serve their men like I do. Now it's just my status quo.
I'm human. I get tired and stressed. I get PMT and rage futilely at the whole damn planet. Sometimes I'll snap at him without thinking or forget to do something but as long as he knows that I'm doing my best he's never too hard on me. I've only been really punished maybe 3 or 4 times in our 15month relationship.
I still feel more his slave in the bedroom than I do anywhere else and that probably won't change. It's just how I'm wired. We've become more adventurous with our play and can spend ages firing each other up. We are also seeking to include others in the future, which will be a real test.
Hope some of that is relevant.
To start with, I was his sub and he was my Sir. Because we were both inexperienced we felt that these were suitable roles for us. I know that a title is what you make it but it was nice to feel that we were both learning together.
Quite often I would completely forget that I was supposed to be a sub. We were also aware of the danger of him appearing to be an asshole to others because he has overall control. Despite the fact that he had the final word on things right from the start, I only really felt like a sub when we were in the bedroom. Lovemaking and sexual play are an affirmation of everything else that you feel for each other so it was bound to be intense for us but I felt at the time that my day to day submission didn't match up to the sexual play we had. It wasn't a disparity, it takes time to see that.
When we moved on to 24/7 M/s and started living together, my slavery became more service oriented. There's nothing particularly knee-tremblingly erotic about making his breakfast, running his bath, doing his laundry, cooking the meals and so on. It is a deeper level of submission but (for me at least) it's become so much a part of my routine that I almost forget that other women don't serve their men like I do. Now it's just my status quo.
I'm human. I get tired and stressed. I get PMT and rage futilely at the whole damn planet. Sometimes I'll snap at him without thinking or forget to do something but as long as he knows that I'm doing my best he's never too hard on me. I've only been really punished maybe 3 or 4 times in our 15month relationship.
I still feel more his slave in the bedroom than I do anywhere else and that probably won't change. It's just how I'm wired. We've become more adventurous with our play and can spend ages firing each other up. We are also seeking to include others in the future, which will be a real test.
Hope some of that is relevant.
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Etoile
Mod, 2003-2015
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What I caught was not that there is a "boyfriend mode" and a "Master mode" but more that you are supposed to notice the difference between them. No sub is a mind reader, you just can't do it. It's one thing to notice when someone is happy or sad, but it's very different to notice whether someone is feeling Masterish or not.
I don't think it's so strange to have two different modes, you can easily outline situations when submission is expected. But expecting a sub to tell between them is asking a little much IMHO.
I don't think it's so strange to have two different modes, you can easily outline situations when submission is expected. But expecting a sub to tell between them is asking a little much IMHO.
SubKekiLee
DrkSwords pet
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IMHO, I think everyone here has given you the correct info, dont force yourself to feel it all at once, this is a journey.. not a destanation... enjoy the journey, the jouney I am on makes it almost more worth it, We are also in a LDR we dont see each other every day, I wish we did at times.. but since we cant both of jobs keep us traveling and living on opposite coasts. but maybe someday it will be differnt and then our dynamics will much more different...
subwannabe
Literotica Guru
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In your own words, "just wait and see how things turn out".
sinnocence
Literotica Guru
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You guys have helped so much. Thank you. I'm going to think about it more and post again in a little while.
Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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Sir will preface an instruction/comment with "Master says" when He wants me to be in a more submissive mode. As you say, I'm not a mind reader
VelvetDarkness said:
That's what happened with us too. We started out as bedroom D/s, and over time has evolved outside it. I also serve as His carer due to Sir's health troubles. It took about two years to get to this stage, and it's still evolving (we've been together now 4 years, and married for just over one).
G
Guest
Guest
I've been 24/7 with My Most Beloved Mistress and Wife for nearly 7 years, and I think I can relate to your confusion. I started out thinking that there was such a thing as "perfect" submission, and I was determined to become a "perfect" sub. And I was damned worried and disappointed in myself when I didn't measure up, when there were times that I didn't feel particularly submissive even though I wanted to.
As time has gone on, I realize that I was chasing an illusion; there are NO objective standards for what constitutes a "perfect" sub or slave. There is only the opinion of the Mistress or Master involved. Being a "perfect" sub for one Dominant might drive another Dominant to distraction.
Now, as long as I'm reasonably satisfied with my behavior, and Mistress is as well, W/w're good.
As to your Dominant being variously in Master mode or boyfriend mode, you've essentially answered your own question. He doesn't feel or express dominance 24 hours a day. Why should you expect yourself to feel submissive every waking moment?
I know that there are people on these boards who will disagree with what I've just said, and I think that actually proves the point--what's right for one submissive and Dominant may very well not be right for others. This stuff isn't graven in stone somewhere; we make it up as we go along, and everyone's opinion is equally valid... for them, not for others.
So, relax and enjoy the ride. You won't do it perfectly, but then again, neither will he. Together, you'll find a balance that satisfies both of you.
Oh, and by the way--when Mistress switches to Dominant mode, she addresses me by the name She has given me. It's a no-miss policy. Subs and slaves can't be perfect mindreaders, either.
As time has gone on, I realize that I was chasing an illusion; there are NO objective standards for what constitutes a "perfect" sub or slave. There is only the opinion of the Mistress or Master involved. Being a "perfect" sub for one Dominant might drive another Dominant to distraction.
Now, as long as I'm reasonably satisfied with my behavior, and Mistress is as well, W/w're good.
As to your Dominant being variously in Master mode or boyfriend mode, you've essentially answered your own question. He doesn't feel or express dominance 24 hours a day. Why should you expect yourself to feel submissive every waking moment?
I know that there are people on these boards who will disagree with what I've just said, and I think that actually proves the point--what's right for one submissive and Dominant may very well not be right for others. This stuff isn't graven in stone somewhere; we make it up as we go along, and everyone's opinion is equally valid... for them, not for others.
So, relax and enjoy the ride. You won't do it perfectly, but then again, neither will he. Together, you'll find a balance that satisfies both of you.
Oh, and by the way--when Mistress switches to Dominant mode, she addresses me by the name She has given me. It's a no-miss policy. Subs and slaves can't be perfect mindreaders, either.
EmpressFi
Mama Bear
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we're in an LDR and I do agree that we definitely have this mode where we're lovers but always.. always.. I'm his girl and even when he's visiting and we're cuddling on the couch, even if I'm being a smart ass and teasing him, the undercurrent of submission is there in the way I bring him his food and drink, take care of his comforts first, give him the remote (even when he's visiting at my house).
I'm not addressed in any certain manner, but his voice changes and if he's asked me something and I've said, "yes" or "no".. he'll say, "Yes what?" and then I know without a doubt that the lover has left the room.
I'm not addressed in any certain manner, but his voice changes and if he's asked me something and I've said, "yes" or "no".. he'll say, "Yes what?" and then I know without a doubt that the lover has left the room.
Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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OH NO - giving up the remote is a hard limit around here
Although I do give it to Him when I go to bed
Hmm... I wonder if you are trying to make your relationship fit a fantasy ideal of a d/s relationship? Are you putting too much stock into what you think a d/s relationship is 'supposed to be' ?
If so, you might want to adjust your perspective. Most serious d/s relationships I know have quite a lot of down time where two people just enjoy each other. They live their lives. They fight. They tease. They get silly. They look, for the most part, like any vanilla couple. They sometimes feel their d/s roles, but just as often they feel other human emotions, such as love for each other or even negative emotions such as annoyance and frustration.
By way of analogy, say I'm a funny person and like to make people laugh. I'm good at it, and it's important in my relationship. My sweetie actually fell in love with me because she loved that I made her laugh. I fell for her in part because I loved her beautiful, mirthful laugh. Does that mean I have to crack a joke every second, and my sweetie has to be constantly laughing? That would be silly. And if we watched a sad movie, and I didn't crack a joke the whole time, would anyone say I'd stopped being funny? That would be even sillier. I'm still a hilarious person and my sweetie still finds me funny, but we just were doing something else for a while.
What really matters, at least in my view, is whether you submit when he desires it. Do you serve him as he would like to be served? From him, do you get what you need in a dominant when you need it? If so, it's working for you both. If not, I'd pinpoint when and where the problem happens and try to find a way to turn things around so your needs are being met.
Erica
If so, you might want to adjust your perspective. Most serious d/s relationships I know have quite a lot of down time where two people just enjoy each other. They live their lives. They fight. They tease. They get silly. They look, for the most part, like any vanilla couple. They sometimes feel their d/s roles, but just as often they feel other human emotions, such as love for each other or even negative emotions such as annoyance and frustration.
By way of analogy, say I'm a funny person and like to make people laugh. I'm good at it, and it's important in my relationship. My sweetie actually fell in love with me because she loved that I made her laugh. I fell for her in part because I loved her beautiful, mirthful laugh. Does that mean I have to crack a joke every second, and my sweetie has to be constantly laughing? That would be silly. And if we watched a sad movie, and I didn't crack a joke the whole time, would anyone say I'd stopped being funny? That would be even sillier. I'm still a hilarious person and my sweetie still finds me funny, but we just were doing something else for a while.
What really matters, at least in my view, is whether you submit when he desires it. Do you serve him as he would like to be served? From him, do you get what you need in a dominant when you need it? If so, it's working for you both. If not, I'd pinpoint when and where the problem happens and try to find a way to turn things around so your needs are being met.
Erica
p.s.
I just reread your OP.
It sounds as if you're 'misbehaving' or 'messing up' more often than you want to. You're blaming it on not feeling submissive enough, but that doesn't make much sense. Being in a d/s relationship means obeying the rules whether or not you 'feel' submissive--same way you go to work in the morning whether or not you feel like it.
I think it might be more helpful to see if maybe the reason is one of the following:
--The rules weren't clear to you, either because he didn't articulate them clearly or you didn't listen well enough. Is he assuming submissives do certain things without specifically ordering them? Or did he make his desires clear, but you forgot?
--The rules were not realistic for you, and you either failed to speak up or he didn't ask for your input. For example, if he expects you to always call him at 2 p.m., but you can't always do so at work, that rule needs to be altered in a way which is actually do-able for you.
--One or both of you really get off on your misbehaving and him punishing you. So you end up consciously or unconsciously creating the punishment scenario which makes you both hot.
If it's number three, you might look for ways to have all the same kind of fun without leaving you feeling as if you've failed.
Erica
I just reread your OP.
It sounds as if you're 'misbehaving' or 'messing up' more often than you want to. You're blaming it on not feeling submissive enough, but that doesn't make much sense. Being in a d/s relationship means obeying the rules whether or not you 'feel' submissive--same way you go to work in the morning whether or not you feel like it.
I think it might be more helpful to see if maybe the reason is one of the following:
--The rules weren't clear to you, either because he didn't articulate them clearly or you didn't listen well enough. Is he assuming submissives do certain things without specifically ordering them? Or did he make his desires clear, but you forgot?
--The rules were not realistic for you, and you either failed to speak up or he didn't ask for your input. For example, if he expects you to always call him at 2 p.m., but you can't always do so at work, that rule needs to be altered in a way which is actually do-able for you.
--One or both of you really get off on your misbehaving and him punishing you. So you end up consciously or unconsciously creating the punishment scenario which makes you both hot.
If it's number three, you might look for ways to have all the same kind of fun without leaving you feeling as if you've failed.
Erica
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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If there is a difference you are supposed to know about between his bf mode and Daddy/Master mode, it seems to me it is not a 24/7 type D/s arrangement, thus a little less need for you to stress about not always feeling submissive etc. LDR is never easy, and D/s will only make it more difficult to tap into those subtle nuances which need appreciation and dedication to, but as in all relationships, it takes 2 to make it work. Is it expected you feel submissive 100% of the time or is that your ideal?
It is as much his responsibility as yours to successfully feel and be submissive. Yes, I know you will often read how people are submitting to the ultimate to someone who is not either into or interested in dominating them, but for me that situation is based more on wishing than reality and certainly something I would feel frustrated with and ultimately disconnected from. What I am trying to say is that perhaps your not feeling submissive at all times may also be partly due to the form of dominance being employed, and/or the way it is communicated...or not.
You are still young and though you know what you want, you still have a lot of living to do, a lot of experiences to live through, and a lot of self knowledge to gain. All these things are going to impact on your relationship experiences and how you process them. Submission is not easy as you know, and it does have moments when it needs to come from a much deeper place than the joy factor to make it happen...reaching that place takes time and at times the right mix for it to feel right. Once again this could come back to his needing to find methods with you which will help you achieve your goal more so than just demand or expect it to happen in a vaccuum of its own volition. Maybe it is about the relationship having time to deepen, getting to know each other more deeply, learning who you both are as individuals and partners. Maybe it is about whether this is the right one for you. Only you can know these things and it may take time to get to the point of knowing.
Catalina
It is as much his responsibility as yours to successfully feel and be submissive. Yes, I know you will often read how people are submitting to the ultimate to someone who is not either into or interested in dominating them, but for me that situation is based more on wishing than reality and certainly something I would feel frustrated with and ultimately disconnected from. What I am trying to say is that perhaps your not feeling submissive at all times may also be partly due to the form of dominance being employed, and/or the way it is communicated...or not.
You are still young and though you know what you want, you still have a lot of living to do, a lot of experiences to live through, and a lot of self knowledge to gain. All these things are going to impact on your relationship experiences and how you process them. Submission is not easy as you know, and it does have moments when it needs to come from a much deeper place than the joy factor to make it happen...reaching that place takes time and at times the right mix for it to feel right. Once again this could come back to his needing to find methods with you which will help you achieve your goal more so than just demand or expect it to happen in a vaccuum of its own volition. Maybe it is about the relationship having time to deepen, getting to know each other more deeply, learning who you both are as individuals and partners. Maybe it is about whether this is the right one for you. Only you can know these things and it may take time to get to the point of knowing.
Catalina
