Does this work?

[Topanga_Blue]

Help! I've rewritten these two paragraphs about 5 times in the last hour. I can't tell anymore if it's good or not.

While not as big as the Lis Noir, Kariana’s ship was just as elegant in it’s own way. The ship originally started off as the CSS Harriet Quimby, a fast luxury transport for Corporate executives and high ranking Navy personnel. The ship was quietly transferred to the IBI then sold off to a dummy corporation and registered as a civilian vessel. Sixty two meters long and displacing three hundred tons with a forty meter wingspan, the ship was fairly large for a private civilian ship but not large enough to attract undue attention at most spaceports.

The ship’s official designation was a Devoran Industries, Viper Mk-III. It’s hull was long and slender, tapering at the stern then hooking up sharply in a single vertical, tail fin. Going forward, the hull gradually flattened and spread as it approached the bow. The ship’s two broad wings were mounted just after the bow in an unconventional arrangement that gave the ship style it’s nickname, the Hammerhead. Mounted half way down each wing were the massive engine pods, each housing two engines. The whole ship was painted in a dark, metallic burgundy that gleamed dully in the darkened hangar and gave the ship a menacing, almost brooding quality.

Does this give a good image of what the ship looks like to you? Anyone? Opinions?

 

[HappyLlama]

Yep.

I found the first mention of wingspan confusing and assumed you meant 'beam'.

'Sixty-two' is written this way<

For 'hooking' I would use 'rising'.

 

[Topanga_Blue]

Yep.

I found the first mention of wingspan confusing and assumed you meant 'beam'.

'Sixty-two' is written this way<

For 'hooking' I would use 'rising'.

To me, wingspan would mean the span from wingtip to wingtip. Beam would be more the body of the ship. But maybe I'll have to revist this.

I haven't edited it yet.

 

[Topanga_Blue]

For 'hooking' I would use 'rising'.

Hmmmm.... better.

Or "sweeping upward"....

 

[HappyLlama]

At first read I assumed it was a ship, hence the confusion with the word 'wingspan', and my assumption that you meant 'beam'.

Reading further, I discovered you were correct - but I had to reread the sentence.

So, from a reader's point of view there may be confusion which can tend to piss people off and stop them reading.

That was why I mentioned it.

So. A quick fix may be to have another word/descriptive in place of 'ship'.


But I'm just a llama.

 

[Topanga_Blue]

At first read I assumed it was a ship, hence the confusion with the word 'wingspan', and my assumption that you meant 'beam'.

Reading further, I discovered you were correct - but I had to reread the sentence.

So, from a reader's point of view there may be confusion which can tend to piss people off and stop them reading.

That was why I mentioned it.

So. A quick fix may be to have another word/descriptive in place of 'ship'.


But I'm just a llama.

Ah, I see. Actually the fact that it's a starship would be clear given the context of the story but now I see, not in what I posted here. Perhaps I should have given a bigger bite of the story. Sorry, my bad.

And you're far more than just a llama. You're a Happy Llama.

 

[HappyLlama]

I should stick to eating grass.

 

[starrkers]

I got hng up on the number of times the world "ship" appears in the first par.

 

[HappyLlama]

I got hng up on the number of times the world "ship" appears in the first par.

You need a poofreader.

 

[TxRad]

My two cents

Two big paragraphs of description. If this is the opening paragraphs I see a bunch of click outs. Could a character or set of characters talk about it. The description still get there but it makes it more personal.

Just a suggestion

 

[Topanga_Blue]

My two cents

Two big paragraphs of description. If this is the opening paragraphs I see a bunch of click outs. Could a character or set of characters talk about it. The description still get there but it makes it more personal.

Just a suggestion

Actually it's 7800 words in.

I'll have to chew on that.

 

[HappyLlama]

Actually it's 7800 words in.

I'll have to chew on that.

7800 words in is fine.

If it was 7700 words in I'd worry.

 

[Topanga_Blue]

7800 words in is fine.

If it was 7700 words in I'd worry.

Don't you have some grass to eat?

 

[Topanga_Blue]

I got hng up on the number of times the world "ship" appears in the first par.

You're right. I'll have to watch that.

 

[HappyLlama]

*munches grass with a stupid grin on his face*