Trust With My Dom.

[BabyGirl109]

Ok I'm new to the site and this is my first thread so I do apologize if this is not placed in the right place. Now onto my dillema. I am very new to the D/S lifestlye. My Daddy is married and lives pretty far away, him living in Chicago while I reside in Miami. I do travel to see him and vice versa. There are plans for my relocation in the near future, but in the mean time I do have these bouts of mistrust. I don't really know if I'm wrong for feeling like this. I adore my Daddy and I know he adores me, I want to think it's just the distance thats taking it's toll but sometimes I wonder. I guess my question is are there any suggestions on how to deal with this or has anyone dealt with something similiar and how did you overcome it.

 

[FurryFury]

First question: Does his wife know about your relationship with him?

If not, you have every reason to be worried.

 

[Bandit58]

First question: Does his wife know about your relationship with him?

If not, you have ever reason to be worried.

That was going to be my first question as well.

BabyGirl109 I also wonder if you're describing your feelings as mistrust when in fact you mean insecurity. Being involved online with someone who is married is very difficult (voice of experience here). If the wife doesn't know, there are restrictions on when you can call, when you can be online together, when you can meet. He often can't be there for you when you need him. That is why I've decided that never again will I get involved with anyone who is otherwise attached, it just is not worth the heartache.

Relocating for someone who is married is also a bad idea. I was tempted to do that myself, but luckily I had family ties where I was and could not - turned out to be for the best in the end. If you must relocate, do it for YOU.

 

[SubKekiLee]

This is my opinion... Distance can work.. My Sir and I live on opposite coasts but we make time when we can... I had those feelings as well cause I had been involved with a married dom at one time... and it suckd.. Id make sure his wife knows about you.. and if not find out the relam of your relationship.. Do not relocate for him.... Stay where you are.. until you know it is a long term thing.. trust me..

 

[dave's thing]

Ditto to both of the above...

 

[Adakgirl]

Your distrust is valid, if his wife can't trust him not to cheat on her, then how can you?
It's simple, I can almost guarantee his wife knows nothing about you. He is having this relationship behind her back. That means he is not trustworthy doesn't it? I agree with the advice that re-locating for a married man is a HUGE mistake. If you decide to re-locate, make sure he is out of that relationship completely and do it for his own reasons, not just because he has to be out of it to to have one with you.

 

[00Syd]

Your distrust is valid, if his wife can't trust him not to cheat on her, then how can you?
It's simple, I can almost guarantee his wife knows nothing about you. He is having this relationship behind her back. That means he is not trustworthy doesn't it?

That was my first thought. Even if he says that his wife knows, how can you be sure he is telling the truth? I would advise to proceed with caution.

 

[BamaBelle]

*sighs* Babygirl, as with ANY relationship communcation is the key to a successful happy healthy relationship.
(1) Request that His wife make contact with You. IF this request is denied then you know for sure that He is merely another married male looking for a booty call. DROP HIM NOW BEFORE YOU GET FURTHER ATTACHED
(2) If request is granted, make sure that the wife is abreast of ALL decisions and that she is aware of the seriousness of the relationship, i.e. relocation, meetings, etc whether she knows this or not, she is involved. it is HER husband.

From the standpoint of a submissive that was once involved with a married man..the day that He leaves her for you ...will NEVER come...

 

[LunarKitten]

Ok I'm new to the site and this is my first thread so I do apologize if this is not placed in the right place. Now onto my dillema. I am very new to the D/S lifestlye. My Daddy is married and lives pretty far away, him living in Chicago while I reside in Miami. I do travel to see him and vice versa. There are plans for my relocation in the near future, but in the mean time I do have these bouts of mistrust. I don't really know if I'm wrong for feeling like this. I adore my Daddy and I know he adores me, I want to think it's just the distance thats taking it's toll but sometimes I wonder. I guess my question is are there any suggestions on how to deal with this or has anyone dealt with something similiar and how did you overcome it.

Have you "sat down" with him and discussed this with him? I was in a few long distance relationships before I met my Master, and I don't believe this is something that is unusual to feel. It always helped me to discuss these feelings with them. At least then, we were both on the same page and specifics could be addressed.

 

[BabyGirl109]

First I want to say thanks to everyone that responded. To answer a few questions, no his wife is not aware of me, and No I haven't sat down with him just yet to discuss this particular issue though our communication is very open. I am concerned that I'm beiing a bit irrational I do appreciate all the advice that was rendered you all have given me a lot to consider most importantly the relocation factor. There is alot more that I have to consider but thank you all.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

First I want to say thanks to everyone that responded. To answer a few questions, no his wife is not aware of me, and No I haven't sat down with him just yet to discuss this particular issue though our communication is very open. I am concerned that I'm beiing a bit irrational I do appreciate all the advice that was rendered you all have given me a lot to consider most importantly the relocation factor. There is alot more that I have to consider but thank you all.

i'm sorry but if his wife doesn't know about you, then he is cheating. and how do you know that he won't do the same to yoU? relocating to where he lives? are you serious? he's married, his wife doesn't even know about you, and you are planning on moving to where he lives to be with him?? how does that work?? i'm not one to judge anyone but i guess i am here. sounds like he wants the best of both worlds and if i were you, i'd not stand for it..i'd find someone who could be honest. he's not honest if he's married and not telling his wife about his online submissive. just my opinion of course, no matter how unpopular it is......good luck

 

[Betticus]

First I want to say thanks to everyone that responded. To answer a few questions, no his wife is not aware of me, and No I haven't sat down with him just yet to discuss this particular issue though our communication is very open. I am concerned that I'm beiing a bit irrational I do appreciate all the advice that was rendered you all have given me a lot to consider most importantly the relocation factor. There is alot more that I have to consider but thank you all.

This doesn't sound good at all.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Sounds like a recipe for disaster, IMO

 

[minx1]

Ok I'm new to the site and this is my first thread so I do apologize if this is not placed in the right place. Now onto my dillema. I am very new to the D/S lifestlye. My Daddy is married and lives pretty far away, him living in Chicago while I reside in Miami. I do travel to see him and vice versa. There are plans for my relocation in the near future, but in the mean time I do have these bouts of mistrust. I don't really know if I'm wrong for feeling like this. I adore my Daddy and I know he adores me, I want to think it's just the distance thats taking it's toll but sometimes I wonder. I guess my question is are there any suggestions on how to deal with this or has anyone dealt with something similiar and how did you overcome it.

Well first of all babygirl welcome to Lit

I'm not about to comment on the fact that your Master is married. I do not judge either of you for that. People fall in love. Different things drive people to have affairs, afterall love and life can be very complicated and its not always feasible or for that matter desireable to come clean. That is just my opinion, probably not a very popular one on here, but having been married to a man who had numerous affairs, that is still my view, rightly or wrongly.

I think you have to understand what it is exactly that is making you feel mistrustful before you can deal with it. Does the insecurity come from the fact he is married or do you doubt him for other reasons? Is he secretive or does he answer your questions openly?

You say you are very new to D/s babygirl. Well trust between a Dom and sub takes some time to build. I know with my own M there were times when I experienced those feelings too early on in our relationship. I worried he wasn't who he said he was or that I was being duped but time and getting to know him as a person helped conquer that.

The bottom line (if you will excuse the pun) is that I think you have to discuss your concerns with your Daddy. Relocation is a huge step, believe me I speak from experience! Though even now and I am feeling a tad fragile right now, I am so glad I have done it.
However I do think you need to understand fully what relocating will mean in terms of your relationship and the impact it will have on your life, before you decide.

Talk to him is my advice. Good luck.

 

[Adakgirl]

I used the fact he is married because her issues were about mistrust. In love or not, he's not being honest with his wife. That proves he can't be trusted right there. That is not judging him for being married it is a fact and it exposes his untrustworthy character.

 

[minx1]

I used the fact he is married because her issues were about mistrust. In love or not, he's not being honest with his wife. That proves he can't be trusted right there. That is not judging him for being married it is a fact and it exposes his untrustworthy character.

*nods* I understand your point. Thats why I asked if the insecurity comes from the fact he is married.
I just think that people can be untrustworthy, married or not and that not knowing his situation I wouldn't begin to judge his reasons for not telling his wife. I can actually see many reasons why people don't tell their partners, including children, financial reasons, ties in terms of friends and family apart from the obvious having his cake and eating it. For all I know he may never have had an affair before and lived a very trustworthy existance. Who knows...except him. But does one occassion in a whole life make for an untrustworthy character? I don't know, not to me. I have been exposed to many affairs in my life, both in my family and friends... including my own husbands, but perhaps because of the nature of _some_ of them I have a more unconventional view.
I am not promoting them merely pointing out its not always so black and white.

I don't expect people to agree, its just my opinion.

 

[ecstaticsub]

*nods* I understand your point. Thats why I asked if the insecurity comes from the fact he is married.
I just think that people can be untrustworthy, married or not and that not knowing his situation I wouldn't begin to judge his reasons for not telling his wife. I can actually see many reasons why people don't tell their partners, including children, financial reasons, ties in terms of friends and family apart from the obvious having his cake and eating it. For all I know he may never have had an affair before and lived a very trustworthy existance. Who knows...except him. But does one occassion in a whole life make for an untrustworthy character? I don't know, not to me. I have been exposed to many affairs in my life, both in my family and friends... including my own husbands, but perhaps because of the nature of _some_ of them I have a more unconventional view.
I am not promoting them merely pointing out its not always so black and white.

I don't expect people to agree, its just my opinion.

I agree. Just because he doesn't tell his wife doesn't mean he is untrustworthy.

To the OP--I wish you luck. Just keep your expectations realistic. Very few married men leave their wives for "the other woman". If he has been honest with you about never leaving his wife then pay attention to how he does refer to his wife. Does he complain about her? Does he share her secrets with you? Or does he keep his life with her private from you? The respect he gives his wife will say tons about his character even in this type of situation.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I agree. Just because he doesn't tell his wife doesn't mean he is untrustworthy.

To the OP--I wish you luck. Just keep your expectations realistic. Very few married men leave their wives for "the other woman". If he has been honest with you about never leaving his wife then pay attention to how he does refer to his wife. Does he complain about her? Does he share her secrets with you? Or does he keep his life with her private from you? The respect he gives his wife will say tons about his character even in this type of situation.

Im with her... IF you knew ahead of time he was married then you know how things will be.... Im agreeing with ES...

 

[rida]

Doubts are good. They keep you from blinding yourself to the truth. But too much doubt is bad too. So try to understand where your feeling of doubt are coming from. If it is from his actions, ask him about them and valuate his anwers. If it is something from the inside of you (related to past experiences), talk it out either with him or someone else you trust.
I tend to overanalize everything and doubt a lot. Talking with someone I trust has always been very helpfull.

As for him been married, I am on the "it does not necessary mean he is not trustworthy" camp. But be aware that if you are hoping he will leave the wife for you ... that it might not happen. And that even if you are fine with him been married and the wife not knowing ... there will be time that he will not be able to be with you, no matter how much you need/want him.

So think about what kind of relationship you want/need with him. And if you want/need his total attention... it might be better to just say goodbye now ... before you relocate.

Just be brutally honest with yourself about your expectations and what he can offer you.

Good luck.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi BabyGirl109

I must agree that I would question the integrity of a man who is seeing you behind his wife's back and wants you to relocate.

Has he said that he is going to leave his wife? If so, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not relocate until he has left her. I think your mistrust of this man is grounded and that deep down, you know this. If you can't trust him, how can you submit to him? Trust goes deeper than ticking off a checklist and respecting a safeword.

Sit down and ask yourself how much you really know about this man. Disregard anything that he has told you and seek proof. If he genuinely loves you and intends to be with you, he will address your insecurities and provide the proof you need. If he brushes you off with platitudes and excuses, you know where you truly stand.

There are many dominant men out there who are unattached, honest, trustworthy and more than willing to give as much to a relationship as they receive. This man simply does not sound like a good bet.

If he doesn't want to be with his wife, why is he still with her? If he wants you to relocate, what is he sacrificing in return? Sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it, so think about that before you offer yourself on a plate.

Bottom line: I think you deserve better. You could probably find it by closing your eyes and sticking a pin in the telephone directory. Please think carefully before you give up your home and your friends for this man.

ETA: If he turns around and tells you that a 'true submissive' wouldn't want straight answers from him along with proof of his honesty and longterm intentions before you make the life changing decision to relocate closer to him, Run. Like. Fuck. There is a huge difference between being a submissive and being a gullible doormat.

Sorry we're all being so negative but the advice here is always well intentioned, if a little brusque at times.

 

[Etoile]

It occurs to me that this is worth saying:
They never leave their wives.

Exceptions to this rule are so few and far between, that it's worth leaving as a standing rule.

 

[WriterDom]

If his wife can't fucking trust him what makes you think you can?

 

[EmpressFi]

I used the fact he is married because her issues were about mistrust. In love or not, he's not being honest with his wife. That proves he can't be trusted right there. That is not judging him for being married it is a fact and it exposes his untrustworthy character.

I know others dont agree, but I do. Over and over it's been said that the basis of this lifestyle is trust and if he's hiding her from his wife... what information about his life is he hiding from her. Could be, he's hiding nothing, could be, he's hiding another submissive or another mistress. The fact that there MAY be something else shows he is untrustworthy. Also, I wouldnt want to be with someone who shows so little respect with someone they're with as to hide this from them.

I realize not everyone shares my opinion, but it's just that, my opinion.

Malin and I have the adage of "if you're keeping it secret, then it's as good as a lie." It's something we live by in our poly lifestyle.

Before you quit your job or transfer to a new location and up and move for this person, really think about the trust factor. It just sets off my alarms

 

[marieR19]

Malin and I have the adage of "if you're keeping it secret, then it's as good as a lie." It's something we live by in our poly lifestyle.

I have that same attitude, that same way of thinking, and not just about bdsm relationships but relationships/friendships in general. If you are specifically keeping something from someone, it doesn't matter if you haven't outright told a lie, it's the same concept and it's just as bad.


Heather