Anyone into bdsm have aspergers or is autistic

[ttvttp]

Its just I probably have aspergers and im wondering does anyone into bdsm have either disorder and how do you deal with it?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Its just I probably have aspergers and im wondering does anyone into bdsm have either disorder and how do you deal with it?

A local dominant that befriended me for quite awhile has formally diagnosed Aspergers. I really liked him, smart, funny, eventually revealed a genius of sorts in his chosen field and though it was early days I had a steadily growing affection for him.

He was very up front about the status of his Aspergers, gave me some reading to do in relation to it, was quite open to discussing how it impacted on him. Communication was premium between us, providing the topic remained on him. The difficulty for me being in new territory was that often what can be construed as 'it's all about me' from a dominance perspective which I can sincerely appreciate at some real level, was not so much a matter of dominance but a matter of it's 'all about me' from his particular manifestation of Asperger perspective. I was resonating to something that in our situation never really existed.

Pursued me relentlessly for a relationship he was never emotionally equipped to contend with and even when the fallout from that hurt us both incredibly , his take was it was him that was exclusively wounded . I gave him honesty, he gave me his version of honesty, a carefully crafted persona he used as a coping mechanism.

You ask how you 'deal with it', I thought I was all the way along until a different truth came to light. I simply don't know the answer, in my situation the trust was so badly destroyed there was no longer a foundation of any kind to build on. His refusal to take any responsibility for significant part he played in that just further impacted. I was incredibly naive, I also didn't trust my own instincts and was constantly making adjustments for the potential of how his Aspergers put a different spin on things. Guess that's where I am to be held responsible.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer at this point, 'me' and 'he' was exactly that, I don't expect my experiences to project onto other people. I don't believe that having Aspergers precludes people from D/s relationships.

I do think you have more questions to ask yourself than here on the Lit boards though. You say you 'probably have Aspergers' , are you getting any clinical support or winging it. What's your personal track record like in any kind of relationship ? Can you commit, do you even want to , can you register empathy for another person, within the constructs of the kind of D/s relationship you seek ? Please , I hope I haven't offended , I simply don't know how Aspergers manifests to you, the overall impact, such a broad spectrum that can be considered.

Really wishing you well ttvttp

 

[rosco rathbone]

Jared Poore from crazymeds.com is the king of asperger's and a lot of his blogs were about his dom tendencies. Haven't read them in a while though.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Yes. I'm Asperger's Autistic and find BDSM facinating. On a certain level I think it's simply easier to follow the relationship between people in a D/s type relationship for me (or at least doesn't sicken me which is an improvement).

However I'm rather asexual in terms of the physical side of relationships so I can't give you any advice on how to deal with being into BDSM while Aspie from a personal experience. I suppose if you're worried you and your partner should each have someone to discuss things with besides each other.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Yes. I'm Asperger's Autistic and find BDSM facinating. On a certain level I think it's simply easier to follow the relationship between people in a D/s type relationship for me (

Fascinating. I never thought of that, but I think you might be on to something.

 

[Etoile]

Totally random, but I crazymeds.com!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Jared Poore from crazymeds.com is the king of asperger's and a lot of his blogs were about his dom tendencies. Haven't read them in a while though.

Totally random, but I crazymeds.com!

Okay, what am I missing please, I was curious and tried to find the site back from Mr Rathbone's post and all I get is one of those generic portals that for sale , screenshot link. Can we get an actual address please ?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Yes. I'm Asperger's Autistic and find BDSM facinating. On a certain level I think it's simply easier to follow the relationship between people in a D/s type relationship for me (or at least doesn't sicken me which is an improvement).

However I'm rather asexual in terms of the physical side of relationships so I can't give you any advice on how to deal with being into BDSM while Aspie from a personal experience. I suppose if you're worried you and your partner should each have someone to discuss things with besides each other.

I am intrigued to hear further, the structure, the fairly delineated expectations, the status of control ...........

I'd love to get a better general understanding, you may or may not have noticed that I mentioned two truths earlier. The dominant I spoke of, I can't refer to him as lying or being dishonest in an average sense, because for him, it became apparent that he filtered things so differently that what might appear as a farce in other relationships was a genuine form of truth to him.

 

[Netzach]

there's actually a good thread on this at the collarme forum - one of the few I got sucked into reading at length over there. I learned a ton. I have no scene contacts with aspergers or on the spectrum, but I have a family member who is and it helped me really "get" her much more.

 

[Etoile]

Okay, what am I missing please, I was curious and tried to find the site back from Mr Rathbone's post and all I get is one of those generic portals that for sale , screenshot link. Can we get an actual address please ?

Oh boo, I'm sorry, it's www.crazymeds.us

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master doesn't have Asperger's but he is very OCD. It does impact on his service requirements quite a lot. I have even adopted a washing up ritual because he can't handle me washing the plates before the glasses etc. I'm not sure how relevent this post is but his OCD is something that he struggles with at times. It's also not always immediately definable from other control aspects of our relationship so I have had to learn to distinguish when he's being pissy for the sake of it or is genuinely disturbed by the new location of the table mats.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I am intrigued to hear further, the structure, the fairly delineated expectations, the status of control ...........

I'd love to get a better general understanding, you may or may not have noticed that I mentioned two truths earlier. The dominant I spoke of, I can't refer to him as lying or being dishonest in an average sense, because for him, it became apparent that he filtered things so differently that what might appear as a farce in other relationships was a genuine form of truth to him.

I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence.

I do the same thing, in fact I even took up acting in order to make people more comfortable around me. Building a persona is something that all sorts of people do, Aspies can be very good at it (to the point that actually giving a "truthful" reaction is impossible for me now except under serious stress). Nonetheless I try to be scrupulously honest when answering questions or giving opinions. Truth is different to different people I suppose, he may have felt that who he "really" was would have been genuinely frightening (or simply not up to what he thought your expectations might be).

 

[snowy ciara]

Fascinating. I never thought of that, but I think you might be on to something.

I know a sub with Aspergers. She tells me that one of the problems she has is/was an inability to process and understand other people's emotions. Vanilla relationships for her tend to get bogged down in a morass of emotional misunderstandings and such. Since most bdsm relationships have a spot where you sit down and put your cards on the table to negotiate this stuff, they tend to work better for her.

 

[ttvttp]

there's actually a good thread on this at the collarme forum - one of the few I got sucked into reading at length over there. I learned a ton. I have no scene contacts with aspergers or on the spectrum, but I have a family member who is and it helped me really "get" her much more.

Yeah it might not be the one but im thewllr at collarme and I created a question like this one over there and now its in the off topic discussion forum.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

there's actually a good thread on this at the collarme forum - one of the few I got sucked into reading at length over there. I learned a ton. I have no scene contacts with aspergers or on the spectrum, but I have a family member who is and it helped me really "get" her much more.

Thanks Netz, I actually visited the other forum and read quite a bit of that thread last night after reading your post. It was very informative, reconfirmed that my take on 'our' experiences were fairly on the mark, which is reassuring because that relationship still troubles me. Not sure about the woman with all the monkey comments though, she made a good point at first though seemed incredibly vindictive in the repetition after the fact. Failure on my part to see what that achieves . Perhaps that's a flare in the differences itself.

Oh boo, I'm sorry, it's www.crazymeds.us

A monument to being temporarily dense , never for a moment did I think to add the 'us' to the end of that address, it won't happen again.

Thanks Etoile

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence.

My apologies, I think a partial quote from Miss Snowy captures well what I was leading to.

Since most bdsm relationships have a spot where you sit down and put your cards on the table to negotiate this stuff, they tend to work better for her.

The correlation between how some aspects of D/s relationships are reasonably structured being an tool . Obviously no guarantees, even with my limited longer term experience of the realities of Aspergers, the idea presents as a potential positive.

I do the same thing, in fact I even took up acting in order to make people more comfortable around me. Building a persona is something that all sorts of people do, Aspies can be very good at it (to the point that actually giving a "truthful" reaction is impossible for me now except under serious stress). Nonetheless I try to be scrupulously honest when answering questions or giving opinions. Truth is different to different people I suppose, he may have felt that who he "really" was would have been genuinely frightening (or simply not up to what he thought your expectations might be).

I had no expectations, I wasn't even seeking a relationship with him, I made that clear. He was the one that pushed the boundaries and blurred the lines. We were really incompatible in some ways and yet so completely compatible in others. As I said, I developed an affection for him over time. He continually upped the Campaign. The timing became appropriate and I eventually introduced my son ( we're a package deal ) into a careful & fully monitored degree of contact, an inevitable stage when a relationship is moving forward. My biggest regret now is that he quite deliberately ingratiated himself to my son, made him promises, then failed to 'deliver'. I don't mind in hindsight how I was affected, I do mind a great deal that my son was. I try not to judge, none of us are perfect but hurting my son is not acceptable. The dominant has children of his own, he knew the territory he was straying into there. It's the only part that I'll not forgive.

As a side note I think it's admirable that you have gone to the lengths you have. I'm not entirely sure how "genuinely frightening " might present. I tend to have an core ability to respect/savor/adore the darker side when checks and balances in other areas are met.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Yeah it might not be the one but im thewllr at collarme and I created a question like this one over there and now its in the off topic discussion forum.

I saw your thread when I went over to find the one Netz mentioned : smiles:

How is it 'off topic' I wonder. You identify as a dominant, these are real issues pertaining to you, not sure I understand.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

My apologies, I think a partial quote from Miss Snowy captures well what I was leading to.

Movie? Book? Philosopher? Poster? I must know, lol.

I had no expectations, I wasn't even seeking a relationship with him, I made that clear. He was the one that pushed the boundaries and blurred the lines. We were really incompatible in some ways and yet so completely compatible in others. As I said, I developed an affection for him over time. He continually upped the Campaign. The timing became appropriate and I eventually introduced my son ( we're a package deal ) into a careful & fully monitored degree of contact, an inevitable stage when a relationship is moving forward. My biggest regret now is that he quite deliberately ingratiated himself to my son, made him promises, then failed to 'deliver'. I don't mind in hindsight how I was affected, I do mind a great deal that my son was. I try not to judge, none of us are perfect but hurting my son is not acceptable. The dominant has children of his own, he knew the territory he was straying into there. It's the only part that I'll not forgive.

That's terrible. Hurting/manipulating children is a horrible thing. You have my sincere condolences.

As a side note I think it's admirable that you have gone to the lengths you have. I'm not entirely sure how "genuinely frightening " might present. I tend to have an core ability to respect/savor/adore the darker side when checks and balances in other areas are met.

*blush*

What frightening means varies from person to person. I'd rather not go into it.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Movie? Book? Philosopher? Poster? I must know, lol.

The first two she should be, the last are confirmed . I meant snowy ciara whom has contributed to this discussion above. I presumed you knew whom I was speaking of, most likely because I had an intuition that you might possibly be an alt. That's not said with any malice on my part.

That's terrible. Hurting/manipulating children is a horrible thing. You have my sincere condolences.

Thank you, my son recovered from that aspect long before I ever will.

*blush*
What frightening means varies from person to person. I'd rather not go into it.

Understood & respected. Actual details are gratuitous. I just meant that in some instances I personally appreciate darkness almost as if it is an art form in itself.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

The first two she should be, the last are confirmed . I meant snowy ciara whom has contributed to this discussion above.

I see. Haven't spent much time on the forum actually.

presumed[/i] you knew whom I was speaking of, most likely because I had an intuition that you might possibly be an alt. That's not said with any malice on my part.

Alt? I'm afraid most of my discussion board lingo comes from 4chan and debate sites.

Understood & respected. Actual details are gratuitous. I just meant that in some instances I personally appreciate darkness almost as if it is an art form in itself.

Of course. The play between light and dark is always more interesting when the darkness is explored (gee that sounds pretty clinical). Have you ever read Watchmen or Death Note?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I see. Haven't spent much time on the forum actually.
Alt? I'm afraid most of my discussion board lingo comes from 4chan and debate sites.

: vaguely embarrassed laughs :

Ummmn, quite often people whom present with a confident posting style in relation to a challenging topic set off, by default, my alternate profile radar. Apparently I was wrong. First time today though, whoaaaa been awake 2 hours already, doing great.

Of course. The play between light and dark is always more interesting when the darkness is explored (gee that sounds pretty clinical). Have you ever read Watchmen or Death Note?

No, I haven't read either, are they by the same author please ?

As a side note I have the following two links to other boards that have more established threads on Aspergers & BDSM related issues as a resource.

Link 1

Link 2

 

[The_Fractal_King]

: vaguely embarrassed laughs :

Ummmn, quite often people whom present with a confident posting style in relation to a challenging topic set off, by default, my alternate profile radar. Apparently I was wrong. First time today though, whoaaaa been awake 2 hours already, doing great.

I see.

No, I haven't read either, are they by the same author please ?

They're not by the same author. Watchmen is a graphic novel by Alan Moore that has several great explorations of the dark side of human nature. Death Note is a manga (Japanese comic series) by Tsugumi Ohba that is focused on the transformation from light to dark, even going so far as to name the main character Light, and what exactly that darkness means. Actually Death Note has a few BDSM themes to it .

Comics may not be your thing they just jumped to mind when you mentioned finding darkness interesting.

As a side note I have the following two links to other boards that have more established threads on Aspergers & BDSM related issues as a resource.

Link 1

Link 2

Cool. *goes to check them out*

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I see.

Eeeeep

They're not by the same author. Watchmen is a graphic novel by Alan Moore that has several great explorations of the dark side of human nature. Death Note is a manga (Japanese comic series) by Tsugumi Ohba that is focused on the transformation from light to dark, even going so far as to name the main character Light, and what exactly that darkness means. Actually Death Note has a few BDSM themes to it .

Comics may not be your thing they just jumped to mind when you mentioned finding darkness interesting.

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll keep an eye out for them. The Alan Moore book is the most probable however. I have skimmed a little manga, have a real preference for Shunga when considering 'illustrations'. Tend to take an ethical stand against most forms of Hentai, hugely uncomfortable with even animated depictions that portray children in that manner.

Cool. *goes to check them out*

Think that's the first time I have made a direct referral to threads outside of Lit, cleared it with the infamous Marquis first ( he and Catalina_Francisco are the Moderators of this Board ). I think it's an very important topic.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll keep an eye out for them. The Alan Moore book is the most probable however. I have skimmed a little manga, have a real preference for Shunga when considering 'illustrations'. Tend to take an ethical stand against most forms of Hentai, hugely uncomfortable with even animated depictions that portray children in that manner.

Death Note isn't a hentai or lolicon. There's simply a few relationships (and clothing choices if that's not too presumptuous) that speak to BDSM, albeit in a rather twisted way. As a quick word of warning Watchmen far from lacking in sexual themes, though again they seem secondary to the plot.

Think that's the first time I have made a direct referral to threads outside of Lit, cleared it with the infamous Marquis first ( he and Catalina_Francisco are the Moderators of this Board ). I think it's an very important topic.

I agree. That makes me think I should go skim the rules actually.

 

[satindesire]

I was diagnosed very early in my childhood as being slightly autistic. It doesn't really affect my BDSM relationship as much as it affects the way I deal with the world around me. I get too overstimulated in large, overcrowded buildings and often feel like crying hysterically suddenly. Sometimes it affects my hearing. Sometimes I lose myself in doing something repetitive and 'come to' realizing I've lost the last 2 hours of my life.