First two stories by LakotaWarrior

[LakotaWarrior]

I just had my first two submissions approved recently.

Garden of Earthly Delights - A blonde surfer dude and a shapley Latina neighbor in a bikini, hook up in a Japanese Garden for an afternoon of pleasure in the sun.

An Erotic Story of Punishment - During a private party in a four-star hotel, Robert teaches Karen an erotic lesson.

I would appreciate any feedback you wish to provide.

Just click on the links to the stories below.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

We're a lazy lot of sods in here, and some of us don't have the signatures enabled, me being one of them. So, if you want someone to take a look at your work, I'd suggest you post a link to your stories.

 

[Guest]

We're a lazy lot of sods in here, and some of us don't have the signatures enabled, me being one of them. So, if you want someone to take a look at your work, I'd suggest you post a link to your stories.

Cowboys are never lazy.

Here's one - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=348627

Here's the other -

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=348870

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Cowboys are never lazy.

Here's one - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=348627

Here's the other -

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=348870

You're ruining our reputation of being curmudgeons, and hard to get a long with....

 

[Guest]

You're ruining our reputation of being curmudgeons, and hard to get a long with....

There's that whole doing it with your boots on thing, too.

(Come to think of it, I've done that one myself.)

 

[cloudy]

Welcome to the feedback forum....and the Author's Hangout (I've seen you post there a couple of times).

Mii mino ji ayaaw godag danakii baa-ayaa.

 

[LakotaWarrior]

We're a lazy lot of sods in here, and some of us don't have the signatures enabled, me being one of them. So, if you want someone to take a look at your work, I'd suggest you post a link to your stories.

While I had the links to my stories already in the signature line above the beadwork, I have now inserted links in the text of the message as well. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[LakotaWarrior]

Welcome to the feedback forum....and the Author's Hangout (I've seen you post there a couple of times).

Mii mino ji ayaaw godag danakii baa-ayaa.

Thanks for the welcome.

Anishinaabe?

 

[cloudy]

Thanks for the welcome.

Anishinaabe?

Indeed.

(I'm Choctaw, but I live with my SO on his reserve)

 

[LakotaWarrior]

I have a brother, (through "making a relative by choice") that is MOWA Choctaw from Mt. Vernon, AL. However he now lives in Louisiana. I'ved danced at many Pow-Wows with him as the MC. Sometimes he participates in a Gourd Dance, on account of him being a Vietnam Vet. He keeps wanting to bring me to a Stomp Dance. Maybe some day.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read "Garden of Earthly Delights".

I don't know how much writing experience you have, but I'm assuming that you are a novice.

Watch your use of the ellipsis "...", it's to be used to show an incomplete statement, or thought. It's not to be used to show a pause, an em dash -- is used for a pause.

Overall, I thought the story was well written. I thought the plot was weak, and I never really felt much for the characters. There was nothing that made your story stand out from hundreds, or even thousands of others on the site that are similar.

On the positive side, you obviously have the ability to write. Keep writing and I expect to see you improve with experience.

Good luck!

 

[LakotaWarrior]

Thanks for the helpful tips and encouragement.

BTW - I am a novice. These are the first erotic stories I have ever written.

 

[NanashiKuro]

I've just read the Garden of Earthly Delights and I agree with drksideofthemoon in that it's a pretty good story for a first-timer, though nothing really stands out.
It's pretty much bog-standard, which I think is a good thing to start with for any author.
A few things that I spotted are that you might want to make your speech less like the formal tone of your narrative, as most people don't speak in Standard English. Also watch some of your phrasing, as being a novice, it's easy to find yourself repeating phrases at timse, in your case I think it was "quite some time", which is pretty easy to change to something like "a while" or "ages" from time to time, so that they in effect say the same thing, but avoids repetition.
My main bugbear in your story was that you haven't settled on a sort of, I don't exactly know how to say it, but it's sort of the type of word to use when describing anatomy. You've got a mix of some pretty standard erotic stuff with some that are more medical or scientific, but the main no-no for me was "love muscle" and "love button", because they made me giggle a little, but in the wrong way.

I'd like to see more of your work as you certainly have promise, try taking a good look through the FAQ on the main site, for some suggestions of words and descriptions and all manner of helpful stuff for any type of story.
In your case I'd suggest that you take the characters and develop them by thinking of what their situation would be after this. If it doesn't produce any great results then it will at least be a good exercise. For starters you could try: What are their feelings now, how have they changed? What will they do over the rest of the summer? What happens when they go back to school?
The backbone for an erotic story is the bits in between the sex, as I read from somebody in the FAQ, and they are what creates a more effective atmosphere as it were, because most people who read erotica are more turned on by good storytelling, otherwise they'd just go for porn.

Hopefully you'll have had a spare half hour to read through all of this, but hey ho I always do in-depth crits. Thanks for your time, keep it up and remember to watch your its/it's.

 

[Quesla]

Signatures?

We're a lazy lot of sods in here, and some of us don't have the signatures enabled, me being one of them. So, if you want someone to take a look at your work, I'd suggest you post a link to your stories.

What is "Signatures? Does it enable post readers to access e-mail addis of the person(s) asking for feedback? Quesla

 

[drksideofthemoon]

What is "Signatures? Does it enable post readers to access e-mail addis of the person(s) asking for feedback? Quesla

Some people have links to stories, pictures, and all sorts of stuff attached to their signatures. Signatures, and other stuff can be edited, disabled etc in the User CP (In the top left corner).

 

[Quesla]

Signatures?

We're a lazy lot of sods in here, and some of us don't have the signatures enabled, me being one of them. So, if you want someone to take a look at your work, I'd suggest you post a link to your stories.

What is "Signatures? Does it enable post readers to access e-mail addis of the person(s) asking for feedback? Quesla

 

[LakotaWarrior]

I've just read the Garden of Earthly Delights and I agree with drksideofthemoon in that it's a pretty good story for a first-timer, though nothing really stands out.

It's pretty much bog-standard, which I think is a good thing to start with for any author....

Thanks for taking the time.