Ribbons

[Nellskitchen]

Fetish Section -

Story: "RIBBONS"

Please let me know what you think of the story. Comments and advice will be appreciated.

Thank you,

Nellskitchen

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=345080

 

[MarshAlien]

It's a very sensual scene. You build up to the sex with exquisite care, and although I don't believe that Marty's cock would remain flaccid after fifteen minute of your getting closer and closer to it with the soap, that didn't detract from the eroticism of the scene as a whole.

Your story would benefit from an editor. There are a number of spelling mistakes (e.g., "strait" instead of "straight," "pony tales" (that's a whole different fetish) intermixed with "pony tails"). You also have some grammar problems that detract from the overall story (a tendency to put in too many commas ('However, lately, I . . . "), some inappropriate semi-colons ("where a man begins looking for something; shall we say, of a 'different material'?") and some sentences that a second reading might have allowed you to correct ("He knew the drill and ago, and understood their meaning.")

And then, my job here is to point out that you have a number of dangling modifiers. that is, sentences in which the modifier doesn't precisely modify the subject of the sentence. For example: " Squeezing my nipples, we would have taken it further, but the elevator stopped suddenly." The word "we" suggests that you were both squeezing your nipples, which doesn't fit with your simultaneously attacking each other in the elevator. Similarly: "Having met when I was a college kid, I still adored him . . ." Here the problem is the opposite. If the subject of the sentence is "I" you need the object "him" in the modifier; otherwise, the modifier refers to both of you meeting, and not your meeting him.

In general, I think you've used the language to paint a very good picture. My two suggestions are to get your work edited and eventually to try your hand at a more complex story, with tension and resolution. Best of luck!

 

[Nellskitchen]

Dear MarshAlien,

All very good ideas. Thank you for taking the time.

NK

 

[MarshAlien]

Dear MarshAlien,

All very good ideas. Thank you for taking the time.

NK

My pleasure.

Now we need to start a fight...

You do want people attracted to your thread, don't you? Of course you do! I'll start. Jenny_Jackson is a doddering doodoohead.

btw, I took a look at your first story as well, and I thought it extremely well done for your first effort. Keep on writing!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Marsh was saying he liked your story, I did, but he gets a bit tangled in his modifiers.

NK, you've got a good story here with passion and erotica and all that stuff.

I was swept along with the heat - think you write well.

You do need to proofread - or get someone else to do it. My comments are as follows:

It was 5:30.

Don’t use numbers in fiction. “It was half five”, “It was real early”. Something like that is better. Remember, we are reading and numbers take some time to translate in the brain – give them the words.

Brackets don’t work in fiction – heck, save it for technical literature, they should be avoided.

As others here will tell you, I have a fetish about ellipses – those seductive little dots…

They don’t mean a pause or a hesitation, just an unfinished event or conversation. Surprise is better shown by a dash. If you want the long dash and you’re typing in Word, just type <space> lower case ‘-‘ and then next word <space> and you get your long dash. Trick – if you want to end with a long dash, try; My dash – and, then delete the ‘and'.

You's pretty good, keep writing and keep posting here.

Elle

 

[elfin_odalisque]

My pleasure.

Now we need to start a fight...

You do want people attracted to your thread, don't you? Of course you do! I'll start. Jenny_Jackson is a doddering doodoohead.

btw, I took a look at your first story as well, and I thought it extremely well done for your first effort. Keep on writing!

Marsh, you wouldn't stand a chance in a PR consultancy.

When Cy moved away from the bloodied corpse of the incest writer she'd castrated, JJ and her band of Amazons moved in

I reckon JJ would regard doddering doodoohead as a sign she was ready for the cardigan and slippers.

 

[Nellskitchen]

Dear Elfin,

Thanks so much for the time and advice. It helps.

Have had trouble finding an editor (prefer a woman)

Your view?
NK

 

[mellowgyrl]

Dear Elfin,

Thanks so much for the time and advice. It helps.

Have had trouble finding an editor (prefer a woman)

Your view?
NK

Read your story. I really did like the storyline, haven't frequented into the fetish category much so I'm not sure how to comment. I agree totally with Marsh's comments though. Would have loved to have seen a conflict somewhere in the story. Maybe if she was apprehensive or even if he was apprehensive about getting tied up (ouch). I think if you would have had a conflict the story would have built up into something even more passionate when the time actually came for her to "do the deed".

Can I ask why you prefer a woman to edit your story?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with most of Elfin's comments. I will depart a bit from her view on numbers, it is fine to use numerals when it comes to time, at least in my opinion.

I also agree with her on the use of the ellipsis. It's only to be used where there's an incomplete sentence or thought, otherwise the em dash should be used to indicate a pause. Another method, at least in MS-Word is to click Insert, then Symbols, and then select em dash.

There were a few spelling errors, and I know those are tough to find at times.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Marsh, you wouldn't stand a chance in a PR consultancy.

When Cy moved away from the bloodied corpse of the incest writer she'd castrated, JJ and her band of Amazons moved in

I reckon JJ would regard doddering doodoohead as a sign she was ready for the cardigan and slippers.

Elle,
I never just leave the corpse of a casterated doodoohead. I chop them up and feed them to the neighborhood dogs - rather a Jezebellian referance, you know.

 

[sr71plt]

I agree with most of Elfin's comments. I will depart a bit from her view on numbers, it is fine to use numerals when it comes to time, at least in my opinion.

I also agree with her on the use of the ellipsis. It's only to be used where there's an incomplete sentence or thought, otherwise the em dash should be used to indicate a pause. Another method, at least in MS-Word is to click Insert, then Symbols, and then select em dash.

There were a few spelling errors, and I know those are tough to find at times.

I agree that numbers for time (5:30 a.m.) and measurement (6' 3") as well as specific numbers over 100 should be rendered in arabic numbers in the text. (See chapter 9, Chicago Manual of Style)

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree that numbers for time (5:30 a.m.) and measurement (6' 3") as well as specific numbers over 100 should be rendered in arabic numbers in the text. (See chapter 9, Chicago Manual of Style)

Just a plea in mitigation here, guys.

Anyone who writes 6' 3" in a story is writing a police description. No reader cares if he's 6' 2", 3" or 4". It's the kind of detail we don't need. Use the language, tall, towering above me, taller than those basketball guys you see on TV. The imagery is so much better.

I can live with time being given in numbers - if there's a reason. In a story I don't care if it's 4,5 or 6 o'clock. Early will do,before dawn is fine. Heck, don't tie me down, if you want me to enjoy your writing, give me a margin to make my own judgements.

sr, the mistake you make is to think you can control your readers.

We want, and will, interpret your characters in ways you can't imagine. Trying to quantify our fantasy when reading your writing will just make us backclick.

Good writing - erotic or not - leaves everything to the reader's imagination. The Chicago Style Manual won't teach you that.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Just a plea in mitigation here, guys.

Anyone who writes 6' 3" in a story is writing a police description. No reader cares if he's 6' 2", 3" or 4". It's the kind of detail we don't need. Use the language, tall, towering above me, taller than those basketball guys you see on TV. The imagery is so much better.

I can live with time being given in numbers - if there's a reason. In a story I don't care if it's 4,5 or 6 o'clock. Early will do,before dawn is fine. Heck, don't tie me down, if you want me to enjoy your writing, give me a margin to make my own judgements.

sr, the mistake you make is to think you can control your readers.

We want, and will, interpret your characters in ways you can't imagine. Trying to quantify our fantasy when reading your writing will just make us backclick.

Good writing - erotic or not - leaves everything to the reader's imagination. The Chicago Style Manual won't teach you that.

I don't think I've ever used numbers as to represent height, weight, bra size, erection length in any of my writing. I agree, imagery is much better than statistics.

There are times in a story where I feel an exact time is required, and other times where "The sun was low in the horizon" works perfectly well. My only purpose was to point out that a time written in numerical form is quite acceptable.

 

[sr71plt]

Just a plea in mitigation here, guys.

Anyone who writes 6' 3" in a story is writing a police description. No reader cares if he's 6' 2", 3" or 4". It's the kind of detail we don't need. Use the language, tall, towering above me, taller than those basketball guys you see on TV. The imagery is so much better.

I can live with time being given in numbers - if there's a reason. In a story I don't care if it's 4,5 or 6 o'clock. Early will do,before dawn is fine. Heck, don't tie me down, if you want me to enjoy your writing, give me a margin to make my own judgements.

sr, the mistake you make is to think you can control your readers.

We want, and will, interpret your characters in ways you can't imagine. Trying to quantify our fantasy when reading your writing will just make us backclick.


Good writing - erotic or not - leaves everything to the reader's imagination. The Chicago Style Manual won't teach you that.

There certainly is flexibility on the use of descriptions to circumvent the use of numbers, as DarkSide notes (and if you read the chapter I cited, you'll see it covers the that flexibility). Your original "guidance" was that the use of 5:30 for time was wrong. Your guidance was incorrect. You are now just trying to wriggle out of having given incorrect guidance

I have no idea what you mean about me wanting to control readers. I'll take it as just another one of those "facts" about me that you like to make up.

 

[Anna_Malia75]

Whoa, Nellie! Good story! Very hot and, except for the typo things, very well done.

Don't think much of your fight, though. Kinda boring. Still, it does keep the thread alive!