My poems, feedback please

[WitchyNiki]

Alright so i'm going to slowly put poems on here for feedback and the such. Please don't hesitate to tell me you don't like it, just explain why so that I know where I need to work to get better. ^_^ That's all thanks!

So here's the first one.

"Sitting under stars..."

Sitting under stars
crying to the moon for hope
begging to let go

feel your soul part
letting yourself expand out
taking it all in

at one with the verse
yet isolated from all
so unconnected

praying for the end
wishing for a beginning
hoping for it all

unable to think
thoughts churning mile a minute
wanting all at once

Spinnin' out control
hoping for soft place to land
fall into your arms

Right into your heart
feeling so safe and at peace
I could cry from joy

letting go of all
feeling the world spin about me
finally freed

myself my own wall
torn down and bared for you
no more protection

 

[champagne1982]

Hi witchy... if I spend time and effort on your poetry, what can you offer in reply? One would think that if feedback and consideration were asked for, then the same should come first. At least, introduce yourself and explain what you consider "getting better".

 

[champagne1982]

Sitting under stars
crying to the moon for hope
begging to let go

I think you leave too much out of this strophe. Why are you bereft of hope? What do you want to let go of? If you answer these questions in your mind and then begin to write, I think you'll see a fuller explanation come through. That way you don't need to use your words to talk about night sky, you can tell us, instead what brings you to this place in time.

Try to edit away those words that end in "ing" and "in'". They are harsh sounding, tinny to my ear, especially when read aloud. They present a whine almost.

If you offer just the right balance of information in a poem, then the reader can write half of it for themself without asking the poet questions and without being told what to see or imagine.

So, a quick edit to illustrate what I mean:

I cry beneath the night
and hope that I will find
the strength to let go​

.
It may not seem all that different, but each topic is only addressed once by the writing now. The reader gets to decide what kind of night it is and even if they're beneath a sky or a tent or trees or a ceiling.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, because I think you really want to write fine poetry.

 

[WitchyNiki]

Hi witchy... if I spend time and effort on your poetry, what can you offer in reply? One would think that if feedback and consideration were asked for, then the same should come first. At least, introduce yourself and explain what you consider "getting better".

For feedback consideration I understand. Its the concept of ghosti, a gift for a gift. You give back what you get. I didn't realize Literotica had a forum, so today I was discovering it and playing around with it. I haven't had a full chance to look around yet and see about giving feedback on other author's poems just yet, but I fully intend to. Now that i've established my own thread that I plan on keeping up, I was planning on seeing about other author's threads. And would be more than willing and happy to give feedback on any poetry by yourself as well.

Oh well I put a response into the roll call thread, but I can introduce myself here as well I suppose. I go by the name Niki, i'm 21, I'm a Druid, and i'm very much into imagery in writing either poetry or stories. I love to write, but I'm not always sure some of my poetry is good so by getting better I can have an outside objectivity from another party who can look at my poetry and say no that doesn't work for me. I tend to try to use imagery. I want to find out what words, images, work for people and see what they might prefer or how the sentence is set up for the imagery if that doesn't convey it properly for people. I know i'm long winded so if I take a long time getting to my point in a winding way that dances around the issue will the reader be able to follow my train of thought and still have that image. So thats what I consider getting better.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Hello Niki,

This isn't a complete answer, but one thing I really noticed was how many abstract concepts there are in your pieces. What that does is distance your reader from having the experience with you - I can take your word for it that you're "isolated" or "unconnected" or "feel your soul part" but I can't really take part in it, y'know? I become an observer.

You might want to focus on more concrete imagery, and also on fixing the "person" - sometimes you say "you" and sometimes "I" and it becomes confusing.

Just a start.
Hope it helps. Good luck.
bj

 

[WitchyNiki]

Thanks BJ that helps a lot. This is an older piece, but it makes me look my things over that i'm currently working on and deciding where I want to go with them with keeping that in mind.

 

[twelveoone]

Alright so i'm going to slowly put poems on here for feedback and the such. Please don't hesitate to tell me you don't like it, just explain why so that I know where I need to work to get better. ^_^ That's all thanks!

Interesting, none of your submissions are anything like this one at the top.
Why would you post this one here?
This seems disorganized and confused, part of it seems intentional, but that is tough to pull off and retain an audience. As an example, it may help to know what end you are praying for, and why.
It is an older piece, you may have been better served with posting one of your newer ones here (and less over there on one day- think of it as speading the risk)

 

[twelveoone]

Try to edit away those words that end in "ing" and "in'". They are harsh sounding, tinny to my ear, especially when read aloud. They present a whine almost.

Remind me to never take you to Hong Kong. Eh?

 

[WitchyNiki]

Interesting, none of your submissions are anything like this one at the top.
Why would you post this one here?
This seems disorganized and confused, part of it seems intentional, but that is tough to pull off and retain an audience. As an example, it may help to know what end you are praying for, and why.
It is an older piece, you may have been better served with posting one of your newer ones here (and less over there on one day- think of it as speading the risk)

Well to be honest it suited my mood at the time, since I was trying to do a lot at once and feeling kind of spread thin. So it just seemed apropos.
LOL well it was meant to be disorganized and confusing. It was to be just about the emotions of it, of wanting so bad that your not even sure what it is you want.
Well my newer stuff is either unfinished or very short in supply just now. I just recently started writing again.

 

[ishtat]

A druids starter kit

As a 21 year old Druid I suggest you think of reading The White Goddess by Robert Graves. It's a book about his ideas on the/his poetry muse and it has a lot of connections to Celtic mythology. He is a marvellous writer but a word of caution, dont swallow his ideas wholesale. he had some great insights but some of his arguments are very wobbly.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

As a 21 year old Druid I suggest you think of reading The White Goddess by Robert Graves. It's a book about his ideas on the/his poetry muse and it has a lot of connections to Celtic mythology. He is a marvellous writer but a word of caution, dont swallow his ideas wholesale. he had some great insights but some of his arguments are very wobbly.

*nodding*
Stuart Piggot's The Druids is another must read.

good luck.

bj