"Heart of Darkness" - boring, drawn-out, unfocused?

[Omerikon]

My newest submission, Heart of Darkness, was just posted, and I was looking for some specific feedback if anyone has a few minutes to spare to read and comment.

Unlike my previous stories (like Lost Together, which got a really great reception), I strayed pretty far from what I would consider typical erotica prerequisites with this newest one--perhaps too far.

While I'm pretty proud of the story and setting, my attention to those seems to have detracted from the building sexual energy that I feel made Lost Together work so well. What's left seems to be a drawn-out story with some good bits and a (in my opinion ) great romance scene, but lacking in an overall cohesive erotic theme or tone. I thought about heavily editing it down, streamlining the story towards the climax, but in the end decided to go ahead with what I had and see how people feel.

So what do you think? Does it feel like an unfocused story with a little sex thrown in to make it "erotica"? Or do you enjoy the shift towards a more subtle sexual tension with a longer build?

 

[mjl2010]

The first time I opened this, I didn't have time to read it. Four full pages plus a little on the fifth. I'm glad I went back though.

This is definitely worth the time to read it. A very well done plot, well written and a great ending. I won't give it away.

Nice job!

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Don't worry. The story was alright. Whoever said it was boring and drawn out suffers from Erectile Dysfunction. That happens a lot.

 

[naughtycakes]

I really enjoyed your story. The build-up was very nice and well done. It seemed plausible, which can be rare with some stories on lit. Just because it has a plot doesn't mean it's not hot!

 

[smidgeon]

While I'm pretty proud of the story and setting, my attention to those seems to have detracted from the building sexual energy that I feel made Lost Together work so well. What's left seems to be a drawn-out story with some good bits and a (in my opinion ) great romance scene, but lacking in an overall cohesive erotic theme or tone. I thought about heavily editing it down, streamlining the story towards the climax, but in the end decided to go ahead with what I had and see how people feel.

So what do you think? Does it feel like an unfocused story with a little sex thrown in to make it "erotica"? Or do you enjoy the shift towards a more subtle sexual tension with a longer build?

I hadn't read any of your works previously, but I read "Heart of Darkness" last night. I thought it was amazing, and honestly, the ending blew me away. The shooting scene and indefinite ending was powerful, and I liked that you didn't force it into some "lived happily ever after" formula. The way it's written seems to fit well with the theme of the story and setting.

To address your last question, the story didn't feel like it was just a great story with eroticism thrown in. I definitely liked the longer build, and for me, the subtle building of sexual tension was part of the essence of the story. I'm glad you opted for presenting it as written - it was an enjoyable story.

 

[Omerikon]

Thanks for the feedback, guys, I appreciate it. If anyone that posted wants a reciprocal opinion or critique, throw me a PM and I'd be glad to take some time to do that.

 

[Daniellekitten]

The only thing I might do with the story is submit it so that it's in two parts, that way those who don't have time to invest in reading a long five page story, will give it a chance if they see it's only two pages. Otherwise, I thought it was good.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Heart of Darkness is not an erotic story. Having said that, it is probably the best story I've read here in a while. I don't know why you are fussed about building erotic tension when you are consumately building 'story' tension throughout.

I don't agree with Dani (please don't tell her) on splitting into two parts. This is a stand-alone piece that needs to be told in one chapter - even if readers take it in two bites. A pause in the action would be a killer for the tension.

My critique, for what it is worth, is as follows.

I think the story belongs in Romance. Not an insult, just a reflection on the way the characters interreact.

I didn't think you developed Alexis enough as a character. Daniel is big and strong but Alexis is a bit 2-D. Only at the end does she find her own identity. I couldn't find the key that unlocked the passion between them.

Nevertheless, I opened the story meaning to skim it and then avidly read every line.

I really enjoyed it. Thank you for posting it.

Elle

 

[mellowgyrl]

Wow! That was a very nice piece of work you have there! I have to admit, the first time I came to this thread and clicked on your story I immediately back clicked because it was 5 pages. I'm very happy that I changed my mind and read it anyway! I agree it is a stand alone piece and a very well written one! Keep up the good work!

 

[Daniellekitten]

Heart of Darkness is not an erotic story. Having said that, it is probably the best story I've read here in a while. I don't know why you are fussed about building erotic tension when you are consumately building 'story' tension throughout.

I don't agree with Dani (please don't tell her) on splitting into two parts. This is a stand-alone piece that needs to be told in one chapter - even if readers take it in two bites. A pause in the action would be a killer for the tension.

My critique, for what it is worth, is as follows.

I think the story belongs in Romance. Not an insult, just a reflection on the way the characters interreact.

I didn't think you developed Alexis enough as a character. Daniel is big and strong but Alexis is a bit 2-D. Only at the end does she find her own identity. I couldn't find the key that unlocked the passion between them.

Nevertheless, I opened the story meaning to skim it and then avidly read every line.

I really enjoyed it. Thank you for posting it.

Elle

I heard that...lol

 

[ishtat]

Title

The title Heart of Darkness was first used by Joseph Conrad in 1902. I assume you were aware of that?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I heard that...lol

Tee, hee!

I know where you come from and you're right, but just here - you have to see Alexis and Daniel get to the end (?) of their rainbow in one post. I could get a sentimental side if I'm not careful.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The title Heart of Darkness was first used by Joseph Conrad in 1902. I assume you were aware of that?

Just what exactly is your point?

 

[Daniellekitten]

I've never seen an elf cry before. Well, maybe the Keebler elves. But that's because they didn't have enough cookies.

 

[Daniellekitten]

Just what exactly is your point?

My point exactly. Hi Brian! How are you?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've never seen an elf cry before. Well, maybe the Keebler elves. But that's because they didn't have enough cookies.

Have you got cookies? We're just on the backyard. If you want a good night's sleep without the plaintiff groan of our undernourished bellies, put out some buttery cookies. We flit fromyard to yard and you seem soooo nice.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My point exactly. Hi Brian! How are you?

Just clanking right along, and thanks for askin'!

 

[Omerikon]

The title Heart of Darkness was first used by Joseph Conrad in 1902. I assume you were aware of that?

Yep, one of my favourite stories. I hope his ghost doesn't begrudge me for using his title.

Daniellekitten, elfin_odalisque, mellowgyrl, thanks for your comments, you guys are awesome. Like I said before, if you ever want an extra opinion on any of your work, let me know and I'd be more than happy to do it.

 

[Guest]

Yep, one of my favourite stories. I hope his ghost doesn't begrudge me for using his title.

Daniellekitten, elfin_odalisque, mellowgyrl, thanks for your comments, you guys are awesome. Like I said before, if you ever want an extra opinion on any of your work, let me know and I'd be more than happy to do it.

Evening all!

OM, sounds as if you've written a fantastic story - congratulations! (*off to read*)

Just wanted to stop in and say hello!