Stranded Ch. 2

[Jet Black]

Eek.. Finally got chapter 2 submitted properly (sorry about the delay to everyone that was waiting for it)

I am... Terribly nervous as its my first piece of real erotic content on lit (the last couple of chapters were more build-up). I'd like to know what ya think of it, and any possible things wrong with it. I've been holding off even giving chapter 3 to my editor.. Because I wanted some feedback on this chapter before I set the plot in stone.

*chuckles* I'm seriously scared about some of the response I'll get from this story, cause I'm really proud of it. But be honest and blunt, I can take it.

Whew... Ok. Thanks in advance. Here's chapter 2.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=347311


~Jet

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Good!!! Can't wait for ch 3!!

 

[Lalah]

I like it, your writing is good. Although I think you should have merged at least chapter 1 with this one, most people don't have problem reading a two page story. You're starting to lose some readers at page three so the prologue is probably better left alone; I think most people won't grumble too much at a sex-less prologue.

I only have one caveat, although this is a personal one. I don't consider step brother and sister doing it to be incest and so it doesn't turn me on that way.

 

[Jet Black]

*nod, nod* I respect that. I went with the step-sibling thing as my first story to establish that ya don't technically need the blood-relationship to get that "close" relationship typically involved in (romantic) incest.

Don't worry. I'll be writing more

 

[sr71plt]

*nod, nod* I respect that. I went with the step-sibling thing as my first story to establish that ya don't technically need the blood-relationship to get that "close" relationship typically involved in (romantic) incest.

Don't worry. I'll be writing more

Ah, that makes sense. I had been thinking legalistic/scientific on this, but you make a good point (if, of course, the author is working this point and doesn't just not understand the difference.) In my sole Incest story here, I couldn't stomach going the whole way, so I wrote it where the protagonist wasn't mentally opposed to incest, but that, in the actual act, he didn't realize it was incest--until too late.

 

[Jet Black]

Ah, that makes sense. I had been thinking legalistic/scientific on this, but you make a good point (if, of course, the author is working this point and doesn't just not understand the difference.) In my sole Incest story here, I couldn't stomach going the whole way, so I wrote it where the protagonist wasn't mentally opposed to incest, but that, in the actual act, he didn't realize it was incest--until too late.

*nods* Yes that's sort of what I was doing, and their's going to be enough intrigue and drama in this story, even without them being "blood" related. I mean... If you grew up with a person from the time you were babies all the way into your adult life, you wouldn't care what genetics you share, You "ARE" siblings. This is just my kinda sneaky way of avoiding full on incest, but that erotic "they know each other so well and it's so wrong" is still there .

Plus it doesn't matter really how the readers feel, it's more about the characters themselves. If they think it's wrong and naughty (but can't help themselves regardless *wink*) Then the readers will know how they feel and can sympathize with them. Or hate them <.<. Either way they aren't ignorant to the character's plight.

 

[sr71plt]

Plus it doesn't matter really how the readers feel, it's more about the characters themselves. If they think it's wrong and naughty (but can't help themselves regardless *wink*) Then the readers will know how they feel and can sympathize with them. Or hate them <.<. Either way they aren't ignorant to the character's plight.

Another good point. I'll have to read what you're up to with this.

 

[Lalah]

*nods* Yes that's sort of what I was doing, and their's going to be enough intrigue and drama in this story, even without them being "blood" related. I mean... If you grew up with a person from the time you were babies all the way into your adult life, you wouldn't care what genetics you share, You "ARE" siblings. This is just my kinda sneaky way of avoiding full on incest, but that erotic "they know each other so well and it's so wrong" is still there .

Plus it doesn't matter really how the readers feel, it's more about the characters themselves. If they think it's wrong and naughty (but can't help themselves regardless *wink*) Then the readers will know how they feel and can sympathize with them. Or hate them <.<. Either way they aren't ignorant to the character's plight.

Well not that I want to bash your story or anything, I think it's a pretty good romance story about two close people taking their relationship in a way they never thought possible. But to me, and I'm probably not the only one, it's the actual blood relation that's important and not the closeness.

I nearly got into a step-incest relation when I was in my teen years but it fell trough when our parents separated. We didn't think there was anything unusual about the relation and neither did our parents. They thought it would be neat to double date.

Well anyway, I'm looking forward to more of your stories.

 

[Jet Black]

Well not that I want to bash your story or anything, I think it's a pretty good romance story about two close people taking their relationship in a way they never thought possible. But to me, and I'm probably not the only one, it's the actual blood relation that's important and not the closeness.

I nearly got into a step-incest relation when I was in my teen years but it fell trough when our parents separated. We didn't think there was anything unusual about the relation and neither did our parents. They thought it would be neat to double date.

Well anyway, I'm looking forward to more of your stories.

Well... Ya see... I'm sort of "In" a step-incest relationship <.<' And the parent's would NOT be cool with it at all xD.

But then again, I was always more turned on because of the "closeness" more then the "related" thing - I mean what other girl could really know me as well as she does? - But to each's own I guess. The fact that it's considered a "no no" (in this particular situation) is enough for me

And thank you ^_^ I shalt be writing lots more!

 

[sr71plt]

Well not that I want to bash your story or anything, I think it's a pretty good romance story about two close people taking their relationship in a way they never thought possible. But to me, and I'm probably not the only one, it's the actual blood relation that's important and not the closeness.

I nearly got into a step-incest relation when I was in my teen years but it fell trough when our parents separated. We didn't think there was anything unusual about the relation and neither did our parents. They thought it would be neat to double date.

Well anyway, I'm looking forward to more of your stories.

What other category would you put the story in here, though? If JB put it anywhere else, I think he'd be inundated with hate PCs that took away from reading the story at all. And as someone else pointed on on another thread recently, this isn't just an "Incest" category. This is where "Taboo" is supposed to go too. And, although not incest, this relationship certainly seems to fit squarely in the "taboo" category.

 

[Jet Black]

And as someone else pointed on on another thread recently, this isn't just an "Incest" category. This is where "Taboo" is supposed to go too. And, although not incest, this relationship certainly seems to fit squarely in the "taboo" category.

*nods* Indeed. It's the 'Taboo' That gets me, not necessarily the incest (though they go hand in hand more often then not). That's a good way to sum up how I feel about the subject, actually ^^

 

[Lalah]

True, true. It goes into incest because the characters being almost related is close to incest, and that would freak out the non-initiated. Although personally I'd say it's a romance story because like you said it's more about the closeness and their intimate relation than it is about about having sex with your sibling. I'm wondering if most hardcore incest fan would think it's incest or not.

But hey, I nearly had sex with my cousin when I was younger (something my father also approved), but it never happened because while we were flirting I was to shy to have try sex back then, something I'm kicking myself over now that my cousin is in a relationship. Well anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'm too far in to get turned on by the entry type incest stuff, so my opinion is probably biased.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

To be quite honest, I found it dull. There was nothing in your story to set it apart from the thousands of other stroke stories on this site.

I have to admit, I haven't read the first two chapters of the story, but there was nothing in Chapter 2 that makes me want to go back to the start and read the whole story.

You refer to weaving the elastic wood, to me describing something as elastic would mean it was stretchy.

To me, the dialog sounds almost juvenile, I kept feeling that I was watching a pair of fourteen year olds.

 

[Lalah]

To me, the dialog sounds almost juvenile, I kept feeling that I was watching a pair of fourteen year olds.

I don't think it's that rare for brothers and sisters to keep a juvenile attitude toward each others. I know me and my brother are acting juvenile when we're alone. We've had no reasons to change what's been working for so long.

 

[Jet Black]

To be quite honest, I found it dull. There was nothing in your story to set it apart from the thousands of other stroke stories on this site.

I have to admit, I haven't read the first two chapters of the story, but there was nothing in Chapter 2 that makes me want to go back to the start and read the whole story.

You refer to weaving the elastic wood, to me describing something as elastic would mean it was stretchy.

To me, the dialog sounds almost juvenile, I kept feeling that I was watching a pair of fourteen year olds.

Elastic means bendable. >.>' And I really wouldn't have a problem with your feedback... if you had taken the time to read the first two chapters. Chapters are not meant to stand alone, really. (though I am considering merging chapter 1 and 2 together).

Honestly, You've a valid point there somewhat. But you're always going to be a little put-off when jumping into a middle of a story. It's the equivalent of jumping straight to the sex scene in a stand alone story, and generally people that do that aren't looking for interesting stories, they're looking for fap material. And generally, those kinds of people don't command the "respect" of someone who knows what makes a good story, and what doesn't.

For future reference, I would suggest you hold off commenting on someone's story unless you've read it as it's meant to be read - From beginning to end. Being ignorant of over half the story doesn't put you in the best position to be taken very seriously.


HOWEVER, Regardless of my thoughts on your inadequacy as a proper source of feedback, there is always a gem of truth in such things. I've already been working on making the interaction and dialog between the two characters deeper and fuller, and I'm a sucker for drama so expect lots of it in the future
Chapter 3 and 4 will be on there way at the same time, and it'll be within a week (hopefully)


~Jet

 

[Lalah]

For future reference, I would suggest you hold off commenting on someone's story unless you've read it as it's meant to be read - From beginning to end. Being ignorant of over half the story doesn't put you in the best position to be taken very seriously.

Ah but you got yourself to blame for that Jet Black, your original post is worded in a way that make it seem you're looking for feedback on chapter 2, not the whole story.

 

[Jet Black]

Argh. Ya have a point. Next time a disclaimer shalt be put in my thread. "Chapters are not meant to be stand-alone stories"

I'm honestly incapable of writing short stories. Novel or nothin for me >_>'

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Elastic means bendable. >.>' And I really wouldn't have a problem with your feedback... if you had taken the time to read the first two chapters. Chapters are not meant to stand alone, really. (though I am considering merging chapter 1 and 2 together).

Honestly, You've a valid point there somewhat. But you're always going to be a little put-off when jumping into a middle of a story. It's the equivalent of jumping straight to the sex scene in a stand alone story, and generally people that do that aren't looking for interesting stories, they're looking for fap material. And generally, those kinds of people don't command the "respect" of someone who knows what makes a good story, and what doesn't.

For future reference, I would suggest you hold off commenting on someone's story unless you've read it as it's meant to be read - From beginning to end. Being ignorant of over half the story doesn't put you in the best position to be taken very seriously.


HOWEVER, Regardless of my thoughts on your inadequacy as a proper source of feedback, there is always a gem of truth in such things. I've already been working on making the interaction and dialog between the two characters deeper and fuller, and I'm a sucker for drama so expect lots of it in the future
Chapter 3 and 4 will be on there way at the same time, and it'll be within a week (hopefully)


~Jet

I both agree, and disagree with you on the point of chapters. I would hasten to remind you that in your first post you asked for feedback on Chapter 2, you made no mention of requesting feedback on the whole story.

What did you accomplish in Chapter 2? Not a whole lot. An a-frame was completed, and the two characters had sex.

I have some thoughts on multi-part stories, and Lit. Normal chapters, as in a novel, unless they are appearing almost daily, won't hold the readers attention. Longer, multi-part stories, can, and have been successful on this site, but each part is more than what we would normally view as a simple chapter.

What you have to accomplish in each part is not only move the plot along, but to create enough interest so if a reader happens along in Chapter 3 or 4, that they will feel compelled to go back and read the whole story. In my opinion, and in only my opinion, you failed to do this with your Chapter 2.

Oh, and back to elastic, I think pliant may have been a better choice to describe branches.

 

[sr71plt]

For future reference, I would suggest you hold off commenting on someone's story unless you've read it as it's meant to be read - From beginning to end. Being ignorant of over half the story doesn't put you in the best position to be taken very seriously.

I think this is a good point. But not too relevant here, as you asked for a reading before the work was finished. Story content indeed can't be assessed very well until the work is finished.

 

[Jet Black]

*nods nods* chapter 2 was more for the fans I had already then anything else. After two chapters of nothing I figured they deserved some "hawt lovin."

Even if I'm still not giving them full-on sex . I've been thinking it over and I think submitting a chapter at a time isn't gunna cut it. Perhaps I'll merge 1 and 2, and merge 3 and 4. I've had a bunch of people give me that advice, and it would work out better for the story itself (it may not be possible to have sex in chapter 3, for example, due to where I'm taking the story. >.> Maybe. Don't wanna spoil anything)

This is still all really a learning process for me, as I'm trying to gauge what the readers prefer, what turns em on, how much teasing they can take, etc. I don't suppose you'd care to elaborate on the "its like they're 14 year old's" remark? How exactly? There honestly isn't much dialog in chapter 2, and to be honest... Britt really does talk like a fricken child. He, however, does not. So that means I'm doing something wrong with his dialog, and I'd like to fix it, so please enlighten me ^_^

And yeah, sorry about the "read the whole story" thing. I'm not used to dealing with a "large" amount of readers. Generally all I had was a few close friends, and they always read it start to finish - it was never an issue. Just yet another thing I'm learning

Thanks for all the feedback thus far ^^


~Jet

 

[sr71plt]

*nods nods* chapter 2 was more for the fans I had already then anything else. After two chapters of nothing I figured they deserved some "hawt lovin."

Even if I'm still not giving them full-on sex . I've been thinking it over and I think submitting a chapter at a time isn't gunna cut it. Perhaps I'll merge 1 and 2, and merge 3 and 4. I've had a bunch of people give me that advice, and it would work out better for the story itself (it may not be possible to have sex in chapter 3, for example, due to where I'm taking the story. >.> Maybe. Don't wanna spoil anything)

This is still all really a learning process for me, as I'm trying to gauge what the readers prefer, what turns em on, how much teasing they can take, etc. I don't suppose you'd care to elaborate on the "its like they're 14 year old's" remark? How exactly? There honestly isn't much dialog in chapter 2, and to be honest... Britt really does talk like a fricken child. He, however, does not. So that means I'm doing something wrong with his dialog, and I'd like to fix it, so please enlighten me ^_^

And yeah, sorry about the "read the whole story" thing. I'm not used to dealing with a "large" amount of readers. Generally all I had was a few close friends, and they always read it start to finish - it was never an issue. Just yet another thing I'm learning

Thanks for all the feedback thus far ^^


~Jet

Posting serializations on an erotica board has its risks. As many erotic novel publishers note on their submissions guidelines, erotica readers, on the whole, expect heat in each and every chapter. In addition, posting chapter by chapter on the Internet presupposes that many readers will not read the chapters serially--and many will not read from the beginning. So, unless you want negative comments on an individual chapter of a serialized novel here, you need to construct your chapters to be "close enough" to standalone and to have heat in each one. If you need to have a transition chapter that won't meet this creteria, you need to be prepared to live with criticism of that. (And if you seek a "how's it going" check that will be much more favorable than DarkSide provided you, it's probably not best to seek that check on a transition chapter.)

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Okay, I went back and read Chapter 00. Here are my thoughts.

First, there is nothing wrong with the premise of your plot, I like it.

My major problem is with your execution. Use a real bush plane, not something you just plucked from your head. Readers like authenticity.

A plane that has crashed on a lake isn’t likely to catch fire. And it wouldn’t likely be burning if only three feet of tail is poking out of the water.

it was still as dark as night.

If it’s as dark as night, how are you going to see the blood seeping from the gash in the woman’s head?

Again, seeing as it is dark in the plane, how can you see your sister’s ‘mottled face’? You describe that you’re barely able to get your head above water, so we can assume that you’re pretty much submerged in the water. You mention that when you unbuckle your sister that she falls against you with a thud, that’s hard to picture, since your head is just above the water.

I will buy the air pocket, that’s perfectly plausible, but if the plane is nose down, in the deep vertical position you’re describing, it’s going to be sinking.

The area where the pilot and co-pilot sit is referred to as the ‘cockpit’, the passengers sit in the ‘cabin’.

Even on the smallest of bush planes, luggage is stowed in a separate compartment. Given the fact that the plane has crashed, it’s highly unlikely that you have the time, or the ability to do much more that get your sister out of the sinking plane.

Who carries two weeks worth of food in their luggage?

Suspension of belief. You have to make the reader believe what you’ve written. When we read Tolkien, we have no problem believing in Hobbits, and Dwarves. The problem with this chapter is that it’s simply not believable.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Posting serializations on an erotica board has its risks. As many erotic novel publishers note on their submissions guidelines, erotica readers, on the whole, expect heat in each and every chapter. In addition, posting chapter by chapter on the Internet presupposes that many readers will not read the chapters serially--and many will not read from the beginning. So, unless you want negative comments on an individual chapter of a serialized novel here, you need to construct your chapters to be "close enough" to standalone and to have heat in each one. If you need to have a transition chapter that won't meet this creteria, you need to be prepared to live with criticism of that. (And if you seek a "how's it going" check that will be much more favorable than DarkSide provided you, it's probably not best to seek that check on a transition chapter.)

On the whole, I agree with your comments. I did find with Montana Summer at least, that heat wasn't necessary in every chapter. I had very few negative comments about the lack of erotica in the later chapters. I guess the lesson is that readers will read a good story, and not punish the writer for a lack of erotica.