on (attempted) suicide... and the aftermath...

[warrior queen]

ok, so time to fess up....
on dec 31 i attempted suicide.

i finally got to the stage where i wasn't able to deal anymore and just wanted everything to stop.
the pain, the constant fighting and struggle, the endless issues that no matter how often i thought i found a solution, never actually resolved.
the loss, the heatache, the never-ending hurt.

i sat down and deliberately took a knife to my wrist... and quite calmly cut right into it.
there was no indecision involved - i just did it.
and it really was very, very easy.
watching my blood.... and feeling the release.... and then - nothing.

of course, the fact that i'm now posting means i was found, taken to hospital, and stitched up.
(strange though - i wasn't offered counseling at the hosp, just patched and released the next morning after being made to sign an 'agreement' that i wouldn't try again. so much for help, huh?)

i've always been one of those people who couldn't understand why anyone would do this - end their life - and now i'm one of them.
and my thought process has changed as a result.

i'm calmer... not as emotional. and for always having been a person ruled by emotion, that's a little weird.
i notice everything around me now, whereas before i was focussed on only those things that directly affected me.
and i'm much, much more relaxed - not so angst-ridden, if you want to describe it that way.
almost as if my brain now knows how simple it is to stop everything, and so it won't let me get to the stage where i'm overwhelmed in order to 'protect' me somehow.

it's early days yet, of course... and there's no telling how long these changes will last, but it's like i have a sense of control now....?
the same issues that made me think there was no way out before are all still there - but somehow they don't seem that important (or maybe it's that i'm so calm in the aftermath that i'm no longer reacting from a purely emotional level? i'm not sure yet...)

and i've realized two very important things....
1) it's way harder to stay and deal with seemingly insurmountable issues than it is to simply stop.
staying alive to fight is a much more difficult ask than taking that other option.
2) i will never again be scornful of those who attempt to finish their lives, because now i know there's no real 'decision' made to do so - it can just happen that you do it one day.

my start to 2008 includes a scar on my wrist i will carry forever.
and the knowledge that now that i know how simple the process is, i will have to be vigilant to ensure i don't get there again.

by putting this up on an open board, i am inviting flames galore.... but perhaps also bringing some awareness.
i'm not looking for any sympathy here - and i don't want pity anyway (it's my reality to deal with however able or not), but i kinda wanted to get it out, you know?
so there it is.

 

[breakwall]

I'm going to ask this with grave severity.

Do you REALLY want to talk about this HERE?
I understand your motives, but...I'm not sure this is the most tolerant environment...

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Wow girl. That's some pretty heavy stuff. I'm glad you are alright. You should seek some counseling perhaps?

 

[Trace_Element]

Glad you made it. And you have serious stones, baring yourself here. You don't know me, I don't know you, but I am damned glad you made it back, and I applaud you for sharing this. Ever need to talk, scream, whine, cry, whatever, I have good ears and 2 big shoulders...feel free anytime.
But as MWF and the others are telling you, some counseling would be great...you don't need to try to handle this all by yourself.

 

[warrior queen]

I'm going to ask this with grave severity.

Do you REALLY want to talk about this HERE?
I understand your motives, but...I'm not sure this is the most tolerant environment...

strange as it may seem - yes.
i can't be hurt here.
this is a place filled with relative strangers, and therefore far more 'safe' than in my r/l.
and i feel quite able to handle the negatives here for that reason.

 

[pink]

It is hard to understand until you live it. *nodding*

 

[breakwall]

strange as it may seem - yes.
i can't be hurt here.
this is a place filled with relative strangers, and therefore far more 'safe' than in my r/l.
and i feel quite able to handle the negatives here for that reason.

Fair enough.

 

[morewickedfun]

That's very deep and very brave of you to share.
Luckily someone found you and luckily you are still here and alive. I won't pretend to understand. Counselling would be a good thing.

 

[sereneone4u]

I am glad that you survived.

Will you, can you see a therapist to work through your issues?

 

[warrior queen]

Wow girl. That's some pretty heavy stuff. I'm glad you are alright. You should seek some counseling perhaps?

i'm doing the counseling thing... but again, it's early days yet.
one thing he has told me though is that the way i'm feeling now - so calm and relaxed - is completely normal for a percentage of people who go through this process.
and that the calm ones are the ones who end up dealing with it all strongly and positively. (not sure if that's entirely accurate, but it was nice to hear something encouraging).

 

[pleasantville]

Been there done that. I was able to get counseling. With the help of medications I feel "normal" Whatever that is! I know That I must stay around for my daughters. I feel different than you in that I know that without the medication I do not have control. Good luck to you and God bless.

 

[Redatlit]

I'm so glad you're still alive, but please seek the counsel of a professional.

 

[HB1965]

You will not get flames or pity only sympathy and understanding. Life is not easy. It's a tough row to hoe and not for the faint of heart. I give you kudos for the realizations you have made, and I hope from here on out that life only gets better. May the universe bless you eternally

 

[Shadowann2]

I'm glad you survived. I have several wrist scars from doing the same thing before I had kids. Now I know they need me and they keep me alive. I hope you get the help you need and don't get to this point again.

 

[warrior queen]

Been there done that. I was able to get counseling. With the help of medications I feel "normal" Whatever that is! I know That I must stay around for my daughters. I feel different than you in that I know that without the medication I do not have control. Good luck to you and God bless.

one of the things that struck me (now, after), is that a person doesn't have to be depressed to do this.
i don't suffer from depression at all (apart from one bout of PND after my 2nd child which lasted about 10 mths, and that was 12 yrs ago) - and am normally one of those who 'finds a way' no matter what.
like i said before, there was no decision made to do this to myself, it just happened. no warning signs, no 'down' days, nothing.
my counsellor says i'm not depressed - i'm one of a few who just 'do' one day.

good to see you're dealing also

 

[Image]

I'm pro-suicide if that makes sense. I've never been even close to going down that path but I believe it's a choice you make alone... Whatever reason you have is probably good enough if you go through with it.

It's easier for you in the long run but not for the people you leave behind. They will always feel guilty or mad and call you coward and selfish...

But I still believe it's every human beings right, perhaps the only one we have left, to take their own life...

 

[bisexplicit]

I struggled with this for a long time, attempted, and ended up in the hospital as well (and, yes, hospitals emergency rooms are incredibly unsympathetic). Find your support system, and lean on them. Take help from friends here. Talk about it. Find out if some therapy and/or med combination is a good idea for you.

We don't really know eachother, but you can PM me any time if you want to talk.

I'm glad you survived.

 

[warrior queen]

I'm glad you survived. I have several wrist scars from doing the same thing before I had kids. Now I know they need me and they keep me alive. I hope you get the help you need and don't get to this point again.

i never once thought about my kids.
how selfish! but they didn't even enter my mind.
now i know they'd have been immeasurably scarred if i'd succeeded... but i honestly didn't consider them one bit at the time.

i've been going over what i remember from that day - there are big gaps still in memory - but the only feeling i get still is how incredibly peaceful and gentle it all was.

 

[Dionysian Beast]

I works best if you go down, and not across, the road.

 

[warrior queen]

I struggled with this for a long time, attempted, and ended up in the hospital as well (and, yes, hospitals emergency rooms are incredibly unsympathetic). Find your support system, and lean on them. Take help from friends here. Talk about it. Find out if some therapy and/or med combination is a good idea for you.

We don't really know eachother, but you can PM me any time if you want to talk.

I'm glad you survived.

i'm now slowly putting together a support network for myself.
i never actually had one before - just dealt with everything on my own.
but i can see the value in having a group of outside people who can be leaned on when things become tough, and so am finally doing it.
professionals, personal friends, and loved ones.
incredibly important to have this, i think.
shame it took almost 40 yrs for me to figure this out.

 

[hobbit.]

A Genuine Reply.

* i reject your reality, and substitute my own *

Says it all really. its from your sig line.

the internet is not the place to discuss such things.

and i dont reply light heartedly to this thread.

 

[TallGentleman27]

Your initial post is lovely, and I can see that it took a lot of courage to write that. I have also attempted suicide. One of the things that helped me is that fact that I have kids (2 girls and a boy). I have not had suicidal thoughts in a few years, but when I did have them, I would think of how that would really really really fuck up my daughters' lives and that was a powerful deterrent.

For me, reading the book "The Power of Now" and his subsequent book "A New Earth" helped me quite a bit. I found that a lot of misery was because I was a slave to my thoughts, and I realized that I could really ignore most of my thoughts because they were unhelpful or even harmful.

You have great courage, and I think what you did and how you reacted represents a turning point in your life. And it sounds like you will keep walking that new path even though it might be difficult.

All the best to you.

 

[KRCummings]

i'm now slowly putting together a support network for myself.
i never actually had one before - just dealt with everything on my own.
but i can see the value in having a group of outside people who can be leaned on when things become tough, and so am finally doing it.
professionals, personal friends, and loved ones.
incredibly important to have this, i think.
shame it took almost 40 yrs for me to figure this out.

A good shrink can do wonders. Some people don't like to see them or think they can handle it on their own but you can't handle it on your own. You've proven this already. That's not bad, just normal.
Find a good one and go. It's very helpful and does wonders for a total outlook on life.

 

[KRCummings]

* i reject your reality, and substitute my own *

Says it all really. its from your sig line.

the internet is not the place to discuss such things.

and i dont reply light heartedly to this thread.

Everyone has their own unique way of dealing with things. If this person feels that posting here will help then that's what works. Some people don't care about the flames.

 

[rosco rathbone]

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