Some perspective/advice please?

[dirtyblonde69]

I'm newbie in the BDSM arena, although it's something that has interested me for a number of years (the BD more than the SM if I'm honest). I'm a fairly dominant character in everyday life, and I really struggle to switch off from this, but desperately want to be able to submit. I'm married, and my husband has always known that I have a number of unfulfilled fantasies/interests that he may not necessarily be able to explore with me. A good friend of mine is active in the BDSM community and is currently without a "sub" - the more I've thought about it, the more I think he can help me explore this further. I know he's the right person to teach me as I trust him deeply (and I couldn't do this if I didn't trust the person). I've talked this through with my husband and he is supportive of me doing this. Last week I asked my friend whether he would be willing teach me and he has agreed to think about it - since then we've not spoken (normally we speak every day). I'm concerned that I've asked the wrong thing and in the wrong way.

I did text him to make sure he was ok, his response was that silence didn't mean he wasn't considering it, he was thinking it over. Is it possible he's testing whether I've got the potential to be his sub (given that he knows how dominant I can be normally) or did I overstep the mark?

 

[madetotakeit]

Just my personal opinion...don't worry about having asked the wrong thing. You will never know unless you ask. You seem to be lucky in that you already have someone in mind with established trust. Don't worry about how long he is taking to get back to you. This is not as simple as deciding to go to dinner. Not only does he have to consider if he is ready to take on a new sub, he has to consider the dynamics change in the current friendship. Give him time to mull it over. Try not to think about the answer too much (I know harder than it sounds) and take this time to really research what you are wanting and where you want to start. The library at the top of the BDSM Talk board is a wealth of information...
Wish you luck with getting your feet wet.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree. Great answer!

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Thanks, I think part of the problem is I feel very exposed now I've actually come out and asked the question - like I've leapt out of a plane and I don't know if the damn parachute is going to open!

 

[Cheshire D]

Really though, taking the leap is the hardest part, I think. And these days there's always a parachute.

And what madetotakeit said is what I was going to say, so I'll just say I agree with them. ^.^

 

[madetotakeit]

I agree. Great answer!

I not only read the advice I received when I first started posting here, I took it to heart.

Thanks, I think part of the problem is I feel very exposed now I've actually come out and asked the question - like I've leapt out of a plane and I don't know if the damn parachute is going to open!

Don't I know that feeling...I would suggest reading through the older posts...look for "sub frenzy" and "sub drop." Chances are you will go through them and being prepared is a good idea. You will find great advice from the posters here and a generous willingness to share.

 

[intothewoods]

I recommend you check out the Polyamory thread in the cafe, as this will probably be a huge change to your marriage, and the poly folks in that thread can give you some great advice on that front. Good luck.

 

[sexycaz22]

Hi and welcome.

I really can't add on what the others said and madetotakeit have given good advice.

I would urge for you to have a look at the Poly thread intothewoods suggested also, as it's a very informative thread and some good advice in there.

Basically, take your time, do some research, know your limits and above all, have fun!

 

[dirtyblonde69]

I not only read the advice I received when I first started posting here, I took it to heart.



Don't I know that feeling...I would suggest reading through the older posts...look for "sub frenzy" and "sub drop." Chances are you will go through them and being prepared is a good idea. You will find great advice from the posters here and a generous willingness to share.

Thanks - I think it's the not knowing what's going on that's doing my head in more than anything. I'm concerned that I may have damaged our friendship (although I don't think he's so shallow as to just ignore me - I suspect he just needs some headspace).

 

[dirtyblonde69]

I recommend you check out the Polyamory thread in the cafe, as this will probably be a huge change to your marriage, and the poly folks in that thread can give you some great advice on that front. Good luck.

Thanks - I'll check it out.

One thing I can't seem to shake is this feeling of limbo becuase of the silence. I'm desperate for some reassurance, but don't want to bombard him to the point that it makes him say no. I understand he probably needs some space - but as this is all new to me, I'm left feeling like I'm being tested by him too.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

It would be good if a Dom could give me his perspective on things too.

 

[Marquis]

It would be good if a Dom could give me his perspective on things too.

Sounds like he's thinking it over babe.

Have an iced tea.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Sounds like he's thinking it over babe.

Have an iced tea.

Thanks - was mainly referring to whether I've overstepped the mark - I realise that asking a Dom to teach me is not necessarily a very submissive act (like I said - I'm new to all this).

 

[Marquis]

Thanks - was mainly referring to whether I've overstepped the mark - I realise that asking a Dom to teach me is not necessarily a very submissive act (like I said - I'm new to all this).

What exactly is he going to teach you?

 

[FurryFury]

Asking for what you want, communicating, these things should never be wrong particularly, when you have not established a D/s relationship and IMO, not even then.

Demanding or expecting to get exactly what you want, that's another matter, regardless of what kind of relationship you have.

A sub is not always, eyes down, uncommunicative about her wants and needs, and all of those fantasy cliches about what a sub is or should be. In fact, that's a damned good way to wreck your relationship. The whole "you should know what I want/need and give it to me thing, has ruined tons of relationships.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Asking for what you want, communicating, these things should never be wrong particularly, when you have not established a D/s relationship and IMO, not even then.

Demanding or expecting to get exactly what you want, that's another matter, regardless of what kind of relationship you have.

A sub is not always, eyes down, uncommunicative about her wants and needs, and all of those fantasy cliches about what a sub is or should be. In fact, that's a damned good way to wreck your relationship. The whole "you should know what I want/need and give it to me thing, has ruined tons of relationships.

I have told him that there is absolutely no expectation on my part in terms of his decision - it's just he's the only person I would trust to do this with. And if the answer is no, then I'll fully respect that. I know this is not like deciding what to have for your dinner each night.

 

[madetotakeit]

Until he has accepted your offer, you are his friend not his submissive. It is natural to be afraid of coming off too forward when you are entering new territory. Your life is starting a new phase. Take some time to ponder the enjoyment rather than worrying yourself to death over what you can not control. Every submissive wants to feel as if s/he belongs to someone. Finding the one you know is right for you increases the frustration of wanting that. Be patient, let him decide.

If and when he accepts you as his, then the two of you will hash out what is considered acceptable in your aggressiveness. If he says no, you have a trusted friend that you can go to for advice. You can't always get what you want, but one guarantee- if you don't ask, you never will. I was given some very sage advice in response to my first post that I will pass on to you....breathe.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Until he has accepted your offer, you are his friend not his submissive. It is natural to be afraid of coming off too forward when you are entering new territory. Your life is starting a new phase. Take some time to ponder the enjoyment rather than worrying yourself to death over what you can not control. Every submissive wants to feel as if s/he belongs to someone. Finding the one you know is right for you increases the frustration of wanting that. Be patient, let him decide.

If and when he accepts you as his, then the two of you will hash out what is considered acceptable in your aggressiveness. If he says no, you have a trusted friend that you can go to for advice. You can't always get what you want, but one guarantee- if you don't ask, you never will. I was given some very sage advice in response to my first post that I will pass on to you....breathe.

Thanks, it's been really good to get other people's perspective on my situation. More than anything - my biggest fear is the damage that may have been done to our friendship by me asking. I know that whatever is decision he is a true friend who will always have my best interests at heart.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

What exactly is he going to teach you?

How to submit - it's something I just don't know how to do - I am a fairly dominant personality, and my life and work mean that I have to be in charge a lot (I'm a control freak in essence).

 

[madetotakeit]

How to submit - it's something I just don't know how to do - I am a fairly dominant personality, and my life and work mean that I have to be in charge a lot (I'm a control freak in essence).

Just a suggestion, that is pretty vague. Try filling out a checklist. It will be helpful to you and to whomever you have as a Dom.

 

[FurryFury]

I have told him that there is absolutely no expectation on my part in terms of his decision - it's just he's the only person I would trust to do this with. And if the answer is no, then I'll fully respect that. I know this is not like deciding what to have for your dinner each night.

Sounds like you are doing fine then.

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Just a suggestion, that is pretty vague. Try filling out a checklist. It will be helpful to you and to whomever you have as a Dom.

I'll get my thinking cap on. I'm nervous of finding out what he likes & would expect in case it's more extreme than I am ready/willing to go - but I guess I'll only find out if I get a positive answer.

 

[madetotakeit]

I'll get my thinking cap on. I'm nervous of finding out what he likes & would expect in case it's more extreme than I am ready/willing to go - but I guess I'll only find out if I get a positive answer.

Oh, what turns the mind of a PYL is very nervousness inducing-but in a good way. It truly gives me shivers to think about. Chances are there will be things that are more extreme than you are ready for. Your limits and comfort level will progress as do you. Don't expect yourself to be strapped to a St Andrews as he has his way with you the first time. He certainly won't be expecting that of you. A good way to start is with the one thing that intrigues you most, but you feel comfortable with trying. For yourself, fill out a checklist. It will give you insight into yourself and what you seek.

 

[FurryFury]

Waiting sucks, it's difficult to do and that is what you have to do at this point.

*hug*

 

[dirtyblonde69]

Oh, what turns the mind of a PYL is very nervousness inducing-but in a good way. It truly gives me shivers to think about. Chances are there will be things that are more extreme than you are ready for. Your limits and comfort level will progress as do you. Don't expect yourself to be strapped to a St Andrews as he has his way with you the first time. He certainly won't be expecting that of you. A good way to start is with the one thing that intrigues you most, but you feel comfortable with trying. For yourself, fill out a checklist. It will give you insight into yourself and what you seek.

thanks madetotakit - PYL? - like I said "newbie" - so I am probably being a bit dim. will work on a checklist to see where my limits are in my mind (reality may be very different, but I won't know till I get to the point where I try it).