Need Srious Help for a Vanilla Relationship?!!

[Baskin Robbins]

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and dated for several years prior to that. I have always been much more sexualyl adventurous. For some reason I thought when we got married it would make a difference. Not so...

I love my wife, but something has to give. I won't cheat. That's just not who I am.

There is a great deal of stress in our lives currently. More on me than her.

We haven't had sex in 6 months. I've always been the initiator and I just quit 6 months ago. She hasn't picked up the baton at all. She gained a lot of weight starting just after we were married and sometimes I think she uses it as a crutch, ie I don't feel sexy etc. She used to do very well in beauty pageants. She complains about it at times, but won't do anything about it. I've been quite careful to stay in shape for her as well as for me. She has never wanted to talk about sex even though I've tried to get her to. I bought "The Ultimate Sex Book". She never read it. She has never gotten into oral sex. She doesn't get that excited about receiving and she treats my cock like it's radioactive when it comes to oral. She tried anal once or twice, but it always comes with stipulations. Wine me, dine me, work for it etc. That doesn't even appeal to me with her right now. I need her to initiate some. I've lost a good bit of interest. At the moment I have no interest.

I am really a kinky person and like exciting sex. Are there any books, ie Kinky 101, that I can get to help her understand along with some serious heart to heart talks?

I need some help here, if anyone has any insight.

 

[twysted73]

Alright...

Well it would seem she has a few issues. Not just with se but self-image. Self-confidance.

If I've said it once/seen it once, I've said it/seen it a thousand times.
Communication, communication, communication. it's truly the key to everything. And not just words. It's delivery too. How you approach her concerning it. Making sure not to point fingers at her for your lack of fulfilment, but simply expressing your own feelings without projecting.
Instead of saying, "You don't give me sex like I want." You might say, "I don't feel as if we're as intimate as I would love to be with you. Is there something that might be holding you back?"

Unassuming. No accusations or hostility. Only a fertile little garden for her timid doe of fears and thoughts to step into.
She feels fat, unatractive (it's hard to live up to the beauty of your youth, especially if you were recognized for it)
Let her know you are faithful. Loving. Caring. You are true to your vows and always have been.
Remind her you honor those vows and stand by her, etc.
But also tell her that you feel you're at an impass. You won't stray from your path, but you can't go on denying yourself happiness this way without knowing more about why you're feeling the way you feel. Without trying to find out why she's been as she has so far.
It may be something in her past she may not even recall. It could be anything. You've made it 11 years for a reason. This is a hurdle to get past. So long as two people want resolution you'll achieve it.
She makes up 50 % of your relationship. There has to be compromise.

 

[DarkhairedLady]

my initial response (warning loaded with sarcasm) would be..you are doomed. but i know that's not very sympathetic.

in all honesty. you have to decide for yourself how much more you willing to do. she may never ever change (and really sounds like she's not going to, in all fairness, this doesn't make her a bad person in the least). can you live with that? how long will it take for you to decide thats it going to be okay or not okay. either way you have a LOT of hard choices to make.

you could try counseling, could be a lot of other issues in play for her. self esteem, mid life crisis (ya we women get that too), a million things. for myself i know if i got other issues in play, sex is at the bottom of the priority list. and if i don't feel good about myself, nothing and nobody can make me feel sexy.

 

[snowy ciara]

Have you sat her down in a non-confrontational manner and simply asked her what's going on? Communication is key, here. It's not usual for a woman to simply give up on sex. How was the sex a year or more ago? Did the change happen suddenly, or did it come on slowly?

It sounds like there's something else going on, and her loss of interest in sex is a symptom of that. Is she depressed? Are there any sexual traumas in her past that may be coming back to haunt her? Some of these things flashback out of nowhere. When was the last time she saw a dr for a complete physical and hormone workup? Some female problems and other illnesses will depress the sex drive. Is there something going on between emotionally besides the sex issue? You and she need to investigate all avenues to see what's wrong, and it starts with talking to each other.

As far as books go, there are a lot of books we can recommend, but if she's not willing to read the Ultimate Sex book (which is a good read! I have that one!) she probably won't want to read anything else. If you're looking for specific bdsmy books, check the library for suggestions. I think you need to start a little closer to home, though.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Baskin Robins.

As much as you want to introduce some kink to spice things up I think you need to address the core issues first, long before you start buying floggers and handcuffs. If you chuck kink into the mix as an issue and another thing you have added to the list of what you're not getting from her, chances are she'll freak out and never have sex again.

Is it possible that you have tried to be kinky with your wife and already successfully freaked her out? I'm not trying to suggest that if she's off sex it must be your fault but something must have triggered her withdrawal from you as a lover. Granted, it could just be her weight but once people have gained weight they sometimes use it as an excuse to avoid other issues with sex.

As Twysted73 said, people who have been particularly beautiful in their youth often have issues with ageing. She may be thinking, well I'm not 21 anymore so what's the point? It can be a genuine cause for depression in some people and overeating and/or not caring about your appearance are symptoms of depression. The fact that you have kept in shape may even depress her further and erode her self esteem. "How come he can do it and I can't?" etc.

It seems to me that your wife needs some form of therapy, either marriage counselling or therapy just for herself. It may be more productive to find someone she can talk to without you there rather than go to marriage counselling together, sit down and unload your litany of complaints.

Although she has withdrawn from you there must be aspects of your marriage where you're not performing as well as you could. If you have kids, is she providing 90% of their care and exhausted the rest of the time? Do you help with chores or does she feel unappreciated and something of a drudge these days? Is it possible that she sees sex as another service she has to provide along with 3 meals and laundry? I'm not trying to make you out to be an asshat. I just wonder if there are fairly simple steps you could be taking to make her feel more appreciated, loved and by extension, sexier. Maybe get a sitter and take her on a date all dolled up, or whatever you think you could do to get her on your side and talking about her issues.

 

[madetotakeit]

Have you sat her down in a non-confrontational manner and simply asked her what's going on? Communication is key, here. It's not usual for a woman to simply give up on sex. How was the sex a year or more ago? Did the change happen suddenly, or did it come on slowly?

It sounds like there's something else going on, and her loss of interest in sex is a symptom of that. Is she depressed? Are there any sexual traumas in her past that may be coming back to haunt her? Some of these things flashback out of nowhere. When was the last time she saw a dr for a complete physical and hormone workup? Some female problems and other illnesses will depress the sex drive. Is there something going on between emotionally besides the sex issue? You and she need to investigate all avenues to see what's wrong, and it starts with talking to each other.

As far as books go, there are a lot of books we can recommend, but if she's not willing to read the Ultimate Sex book (which is a good read! I have that one!) she probably won't want to read anything else. If you're looking for specific bdsmy books, check the library for suggestions. I think you need to start a little closer to home, though.

I agree. There is something deeper going on here and lack of sex drive is simply a symptom. Have you brought it to her attention how long it has been? How much you miss that interaction with her? She may not realize just how long it has been.

Many medical conditions can result in loss of libido. If the weight gain has been significant, uncontrolled diabetes is certainly something that needs to be eliminated as a possibility. Hormone imbalance and arterial blockage can also be a physical cause. Is she on any medications? Many have a side effect of weight gain. These can also cause changes in temperament.

Has she always needed you to be the instigator when it come to interaction? Someone who has always been the pursued may not understand how to be the pursuer. It does not come naturally to them regardless of how much they desire it.

If it stems from self-image, that is something she will need lots of support with. I speak from experience when I say that a drastic change in weight can be mentally torturous. Mine was a result of diabetic medication and it was a very helpless feeling-you have to take them to be healthy, but at the same time you have to deal with the side effects. have It is hard to look in the mirror and no longer recognize the face looking back at you. The person you have always been is still in there. Many times you don't see how others now see you, and when you catch a glimpse of the current appearance it can be devastating for the self-esteem. It's a tricky thing to bring up and usually it is something that needs to be self-realized other than pointed out. However if this is the cause, once addressed and she becomes pro-active about changing herself improvement in self-esteem will be almost immediate. (I'm down 15 lbs in the past 6 weeks and my confidence grows on a daily basis.)

Another consideration is how you have been reacting to her. You may not be aware of signals you have been giving her. If she is already unhappy with herself the smallest indicator in you being displeased is going to be recognized. In the case of self-esteem issues, it is a tendency for people to take any negative indications and assume it has something to do with them causing the esteem to go lower.

Whatever the cause, addressing it with care and tact is the key. Start with communication. Let her know that you are concerned and for what reasons. Although sex is something that you feel is missing, be sure to make her understand it is not the main reason you are concerned. Once you find the reason for the change, address it, take steps to correct it. Make sure she knows how deep your love is and how important working this out is to you as a result. There are no quick fixes. Go ahead and wine and dine her. Everyone likes to know they are worthy of being pursued. That they are worth the effort. Once you are again including sex on a regular basis, then it's time to try to introduce her to the kinky side. She may not be one to revel in the kinkier aspects of sex, but she was obviously willing to make an attempt to at least make the attempt. (She did agree to anal in the past. The fact that it came with stipulations indicates to me that she was doing it to please you.) So you may have to compromise and give her something she needs for something you need. What marriage is devoid of compromise?

I wish you and her the best of luck.

 

[alexanna]

Many medical conditions can result in loss of libido. If the weight gain has been significant, uncontrolled diabetes is certainly something that needs to be eliminated as a possibility. Hormone imbalance and arterial blockage can also be a physical cause. Is she on any medications? Many have a side effect of weight gain. These can also cause changes in temperament.

Has she always needed you to be the instigator when it come to interaction? Someone who has always been the pursued may not understand how to be the pursuer. It does not come naturally to them regardless of how much they desire it.

I agree with everything Madetotakeit said and have experienced the above two problems myself.

I happen to be the kinky one in our relationship (at least I used to be) but my husband thought I was frigid for 10 years because I did not know how to express my desires. I'm not at all saying this is the case with you guys as you obviously try to do things with her which he did not. I only bring it up to illustrate that things are seldom what they seem.

 

[smotherman]

Communication is essential, You need to sit your wife down and talk to her in a non-confrontational manner and find out what's really the problem. I agree with few posters, the issue sounds deeper with your wife. Buying books won't help until you can get to the root of the problem and solve it. Without communication your relationship is going to keep getting worse and worse.

How was your sex life before you got married? I'm not saying your wife is like this, but some women refrain from sex once they get married (Trapping the man) That happened to my best friend, He said the sex was great before he got married and once he got married, his wife had 101 million excuses not to have sex with him any more.

I can recommend few books and some tips if you can solve the problem.

Good luck to you!

 

[rakess]

she could be depressed

She could be depressed, most people go through at least a couple depressive stages in their life. So, your wife isn't unusual. The lack of sex drive and more important the fact that she isn't concerned about it are symptoms of depression. It could be helpful for her to start talking to a psychologist/psychiatrist.

 

[SweetErika]

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and dated for several years prior to that. I have always been much more sexualyl adventurous. For some reason I thought when we got married it would make a difference. Not so...

IMO, that's the problem right there. You committed to someone hoping they would change and become what you wanted. They didn't, and now your unhappiness is growing unbearable.

The question is, if your wife didn't change with marriage, or in the past 11 years, what makes you think she's going to change because you give her some books and talk to her?

I love my wife, but something has to give. I won't cheat. That's just not who I am.

You know, a lot of people would consider their partners looking for someone to fuck them with a strap-on on an erotic message board to be cheating.

If I found my husband making the posts you have been behind my back for all this time, I don't think I'd feel particularly amorous. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd feel deceived, angry and positively crushed that the man who was supposed to be my best friend, love and partner of my life would seek others on the sly instead of being honest about where he was and how he was feeling.

Of course I don't know how your wife does or would feel, but if there's any chance she might feel like I would, I'd strongly suggest having a loving, honest conversation with her about how you're feeling. Others have given you great advice on how to do that, including seeking the help of a good counselor.

As others have said, it sounds like you're WAY beyond introducing books and ideas that will spice things up. My guess is you're well into the 'can this relationship be salvaged?' phase, and it's going to take a lot of love, communication and effort from both of you to get to solid ground.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You know, a lot of people would consider their partners looking for someone to fuck them with a strap-on on an erotic message board to be cheating.

Busted! I really should check up on people's other posts more often.

Baskin, you may say that you love your wife but to treat her like this by trying to hook up with women here means that you really don't. Leave the poor woman before you really mess things up is my advice. She clearly deserves better than you.

 

[marieR19]

I have to wonder why someone would even post something like this, acting like they are all into making things work with their SO and they need advice and are oh-so-sincere, when it's all too easy to check their backposts and see what a liar they are.


Heather