Another insecure sort . . .

[voluptuary_manque]

Since this is a forum for writers, I would value any suggestions you could give in improving my stories. Do take into consideration, though, that I have mild Asperger's Syndrome and relating to people is a challenge. I fear that it may interfere with my dialogue but someone liked it so maybe there is hope. My three stories are "A Beginning for an End" Parts 1 & 2 and "Bells". I deleted a couple of irrelevant flames. Perhaps I should have shared them here for the entertainment value?

 

[BradBigBrain]

Since this is a forum for writers, I would value any suggestions you could give in improving my stories. Do take into consideration, though, that I have mild Asperger's Syndrome and relating to people is a challenge. I fear that it may interfere with my dialogue but someone liked it so maybe there is hope. My three stories are "A Beginning for an End" Parts 1 & 2 and "Bells". I deleted a couple of irrelevant flames. Perhaps I should have shared them here for the entertainment value?

I know people/relatives afflicted with Asperger's syndrome and I wish you all the best. Please post the links.

Thanks.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I'll try but this may take a while to figure out. Let me work on this a while.

 

[BradBigBrain]

I'll try but this may take a while to figure out. Let me work on this a while.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=889290&page=submissions

Is this you?

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Yes, the (hopefully!) one and only. Thanx for finding me. I was about to try and cut and paste the URL's to each story. Is that the right technique?

 

[Guest]

Yes, the (hopefully!) one and only. Thanx for finding me. I was about to try and cut and paste the URL's to each story. Is that the right technique?

You could just paste the one link for your entire group of stories. Perhaps even add it to your signature? (This is your link below with a title.)

My Stories

And as for Asperger's? My family is loaded with it. Both our kids have been diagnosed and in their sessions with a terrific child psych we've come to understand just how hereditary the syndrome is.

I find that communication online is easier than face to face at times. You may find it less of a hindrance after all.

I promise I will read your stories this weekend? I'm just trying to survive the week right now. We're playing catch up from the ice storm we just had.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Yes, the (hopefully!) one and only. Thanx for finding me. I was about to try and cut and paste the URL's to each story. Is that the right technique?

Or just cut and paste the url and you'd be fine.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

thanx awfully. I've been published in a book of African hunting tales but the article I wrote is non-fiction. That's easy. Making a character come alive, now, is a completely different safari!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=328231

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=328841

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=335861

There is also one pending entitled "The Round Up . . . is Over"

 

[mjl2010]

This is for, "A Beginning for an End" posted in Anal.
I see a few things crop up right away, so I'm going to comment as I go along.

Please spare us the Bra size of her breasts. Just tell us she's got beautiful full breasts with pink nipples. Our perverted minds will fill in the rest, thank you.

The crop top and capri's he'd pulled off her half an hour ago were pastel green and the bra and thong under them were covered in lace, though you'd hardly notice once you'd seen the soft mounds bulging out both over the top in front and around behind.

First off, I feel the sentence is too long and expresses too many thoughts. She was wearing pastel green clothes. She was wearing lacy underthings. She has soft mounds of flesh on top. She has soft mounds of flesh for a butt. Four thoughts. One sentence. Way too much. Do we need to know what color those clothes were, or anything about her underthings. We're in the middle of sex here! OK back to the story....

Well, I thought we were in the middle of sex. We're flashing back to how he got in this position in the first place.

Things that stand out as glaring to me. beardless mouth, pikestaff manhood, improve her (male) lover's aim,

After going back and forth from sex to flashback several times, we finally get down to the nitty gritty, Darryl getting fucked in the butt with a strap on. Now this sort of thing doesn't do anything for me, so I'm not going to comment on the sex. Hard for me to say if it's hot or not, when I don't like that kind of thing or reading about it.

Well, we have plenty about him getting it with the strap on and he finally gets to get off by ass fucking them too. That part is very quick. Not the point I guess. Could be longer in my book, but thats just me.

OK lets wrap this up: At times, your sentences are too long with too many ideas in them. I think you need to work on that. A few of your paragraphs are also long, bordering on too long. Be careful, if they get too long you'll lose readers because long paragraphs are hard to read. They make the eye skim and skip.

You need an editor. There are places where you miss a word. A few minor misspellings. Not your fault. We all have the same problem, your brain fills in the gaps and "sees" what you intended, not what is there. That's what editors are for. A story this short needs to have continuity from start to finish. I see how you wanted to grab us by the balls and keep us, that's good. Really, IMO, we could have done without the back-story or you could have drawn us in, quickly given the backstory, then moved on to the sex.

The way you jumped back and forth a few times, not great. You get this, "why am I reading this?" feeling. The story flow is interrupted. Try not to use high school locker room slang for body parts and leave out the bra sizes. Few like that, need it or want it. There was no point in pointing out her D cup breasts, it served no purpose except to say it. Unnecessary.

That's about it. On a story line scale, I'd give this a seven out of ten. Since the sex isn't my thing, I won't rate that. I voted. Gave ya four. Had the flow been better, I would have gone ahead with the five.

Overall, well done and a good first submission. Keep writing.

Welcome to Lit

MJL

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Thanx for the comments. I'm not surprised that some of my sentences are too long with too many ideas. Sadly, that's the way I talk and the way I think. Sad, what? So, give the other two a try. I hope I'm getting better with each one and there's another one in "pending" that is more action story and less sex. I've finally gotten over the bra sizes, too.

 

[mjl2010]

Just thought I'd do this, then you could see how it worked and change your signature if you wanted to.

Your story link http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=889290&page=submissions

Your story link as clickable text. My Stories

Now if you want to, you can click the quote button and see how I did that.
Highlight the whole thing from [ to ] press control C, then go edit your signature and paste it in. It is your link, not mine.

MJL

 

[Varian P]

Hi again, voluptuary_manque,

I read "A Beginning for an End." Your opening paragraph provides a playful set-up, which captures my interest. I definitely want to know where this is going. Your narrative voice comes through right away with plenty of personality, which always makes a story more fun to read.

One nit from that opening paragraph: I'd caution you to stay away from specific numbers in your descriptions, such as “pale D cup breasts.” Many readers are turned off by bra sizes and the like. The description you give us later is far more sensuous:

She was compact, voluptuous and oh, so feminine. The crop top and capri's he'd pulled off her half an hour ago were pastel green and the bra and thong under them were covered in lace, though you'd hardly notice once you'd seen the soft mounds bulging out both over the top in front and around behind.

You mentioned a concern about the dialog, but I think your dialog is quite good. I did have a little difficulty keeping up with the flashback, flashforward structure. A couple of times I wasn't sure if we were still in the past, or back in the present, and it pulled me out of the story some.

There's a delicious build-up to the sex; you do a nice job of walking a line between hot and quippy, and the pace is good. When things start really happening, though, it feels awfully rushed. I was wishing as I read that you'd slowed down and let me feel the guy's emotions and sensations as Leanne slipped the first vibe inside him, as Carla sank into him with the dildo, and as he came. It all just seemed to whoosh by.

Same with the rest of the sex. Your descriptions are wonderfully visceral, but every coupling, every climax sort of feels like it's over in seconds. I don't mean you need to spend five paragraphs on every orgasm, but if you woo us with a little buildup, let us feel the pitch escalate, feel the frenzy and want and need for release, when the climax hits, we'll be yearning for it as much as the character.

The ending is a fun little tease into part two. All in all, a delightful, arousing read.

-Varian

 

[Varian P]

The crop top and capri's he'd pulled off her half an hour ago were pastel green and the bra and thong under them were covered in lace, though you'd hardly notice once you'd seen the soft mounds bulging out both over the top in front and around behind.

First off, I feel the sentence is too long and expresses too many thoughts. She was wearing pastel green clothes. She was wearing lacy underthings. She has soft mounds of flesh on top. She has soft mounds of flesh for a butt. Four thoughts. One sentence. Way too much. Do we need to know what color those clothes were, or anything about her underthings. We're in the middle of sex here!

I see that mjl highlighted a sentence for criticism which I highlighted for praise. Welcome to the delightful world of contradictory feedback!

Personally, I wasn't bothered by the length of number of ideas expressed in that sentence, but then again I'm in the middle of reading Frankenstein, so perhaps your prose just seems nicely concise and straight-forward compared with Shelley's.

And I actually liked the way you gave us those details; at the particular place you worked them in, I felt they worked nicely as cues to both the character wearing them, and the character describing them, because he's making a lot of assumptions about sexuality based on personal presentation choices. If you'd done this in the opening paragraph along with a head-to toe description, I'd have been yawning.

I agree with mjl, though, in that when you pull away from the action to offer these details, it disrupts a mood you've taken pains to build up and lure us into. As with everything in writing, it's a choice to make.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

My thanx to both of you for the help with links and for the feedback. I'm actually encouraged and hope that some of the criticisms, both for sentence length and for the present/past switching, have been met in the following stories. I will definitely keep an eye open for clarity of thought. I'm coming out of scholarly and of non-fiction writing so making the transition to fiction is an interesting challenge. Again, thanx for the help.

 

[mjl2010]

I see that mjl highlighted a sentence for criticism which I highlighted for praise. Welcome to the delightful world of contradictory feedback!

Personally, I wasn't bothered by the length of number of ideas expressed in that sentence, but then again I'm in the middle of reading Frankenstein, so perhaps your prose just seems nicely concise and straight-forward compared with Shelley's.

And I actually liked the way you gave us those details; at the particular place you worked them in, I felt they worked nicely as cues to both the character wearing them, and the character describing them, because he's making a lot of assumptions about sexuality based on personal presentation choices. If you'd done this in the opening paragraph along with a head-to toe description, I'd have been yawning.

I agree with mjl, though, in that when you pull away from the action to offer these details, it disrupts a mood you've taken pains to build up and lure us into. As with everything in writing, it's a choice to make.

Voluptuary, As you can see, different people have different takes on writing and reading. I encourage you to continue writing and developing a style that is uniquely yours. In doing so, you will succeed at writing well, gathering a gaggle of well wishing fans, and hopefully, enjoy yourself a lot.

MJL

 

[Varian P]

Voluptuary, As you can see, different people have different takes on writing and reading. I encourage you to continue writing and developing a style that is uniquely yours. In doing so, you will succeed at writing well, gathering a gaggle of well wishing fans, and hopefully, enjoy yourself a lot.

MJL

Sage advice, indeed.