feedbacks on my storyMy Wife's Very Erotic Night

[maverick2008]

My Wife's Very Erotic Night:100% True story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=286775

feedbacks pls.

 

[maverick2008]

did you like the true story? comments/questions?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Every story on Lit and elsewhere has some smidgen of the writer buried in it somewhere. The best stories don't begin with "The Sailors Tale" - "You ain't going to believe this, but it's totally true..." as you have done here. That's a turn off for me and a lot of readers.

You need to find, read and live and article in the Writer's Recourses titled "How to make your characters talk". That article is about punctuating dialogue. You need to learn how to do that.

As far as the plot is concerned, I found it rather boring and unbelievable. Part of that is because I have no idea who the hell these characters are. Don't they have names? They should and you should have used them. Names give depth to your characters. "My Wife" is not a name. "I" is not a name. "Harry" and "Ramona" are names.

The tryst between "My wife" and Alex was unbelievable. I've never had a guy count my orgasms and certainly never had him comment on them.

He mounted her again...

Where did that come from? Did he ask? Did she want him to? Was she ready? Was there any fallout from her pregnancy? I really just cannot associate with the characters or believe in them.

I found Alex to be a jerk, mostly interested in getting into "My Wife's" pants. He is pretty cardboard, as are all your characters. You need to fill them out, tell us what they are, how they think.

Sorry, but this story is good for a wank and not a lot more.

 

[mjl2010]

Sorry, but this story is good for a wank and not a lot more.

Even if I wanked, this story wouldn't have done it for me. It would have been like wanking to a cardboard cutout. I back clicked about one third of the way through. If you haven't got me interested by then, you're not going to get me.

As Jenny said, your characters lacked any sort of life or depth.

Further, you wrote a story in first person to describe a tryst between two other people from a third person point of view. An after the fact description of sex between two people.

You need an editor and a story. There are ways to do what you tried to accomplish, which was have the husband tell the story about his wifes sexual encounter which he was not present for. Here's one way of doing that, Click here to read Probably not my best work and I didn't have it edited. But I think you'll get the idea. If you don't. Ask and I'll explain it more in depth. This story isn't incredibly erotic, but I didn't mean it to be.

MJL

 

[MarshAlien]

The one advantage of writing in the first person is that it allows you to explore the narrator's feelings and reactions. You've given us virtually none of that. Instead you have a story paraphrased by the narrator and only occasionally "told" by one of the participants, namely, the narrator's wife. If you want to use the narrator as your main character, make the story about him, or let someone else tell it.

And when you're writing the actual dialogue, try to imagine how it would sound if someone was actually saying it aloud. "I always wanted to bury my head between [your beautiful breasts]" and "Then, go ahead and bury your head on my chest" sound like they're spoken by two wild and crazy guys rather than actual people.

Two sentences in particular stood out:

"She (referring to my wife by her name) has very good acrobatic skills .In fact, and I have problems getting her out of bed."

You can just make up a name, AND WE'LL NEVER KNOW IT!

She stood up and got a bottle of mineral water from the ref.

Perhaps it's different in Canada. Our "nickname for the refrigerator is the "fridge." The "ref" is the guy who blows the whistle for illegal procedure and offsides. I'm not suggesting that you need to adopt our lingo, but you should be conscious that the image that you're conjuring up on the minds of "foreigners" may be unintentionally hilarious.

 

[LadyCibelle]

Perhaps it's different in Canada. Our "nickname for the refrigerator is the "fridge." The "ref" is the guy who blows the whistle for illegal procedure and offsides. I'm not suggesting that you need to adopt our lingo, but you should be conscious that the image that you're conjuring up on the minds of "foreigners" may be unintentionally hilarious.

Believe me, Marsh, I've lived all my life in Canada and we use 'Fridge' too. I've never seen nor heard anyone refer to the refrigerator as a 'ref'. It is pretty hilarious.

 

[starrkers]

I read it yesterday.
No, not totally accurate. I attempted to read it yesterday. When someone asks for feedback here, I read to the end, even if it's not to my taste. But your story didn't hold my interest and I kept skimming it to get to the end.
The point of view is clumsy, the characters have no substance and the set up contrived. Even if it is a true story, it doesn't read like one.

You are giving a third person view of the sexual encounter, supposedly told by the cuckolded husband. It is too clinical - there is no idea of how the husband feels about this.
If the husband was telling us what his wife told him happened, complete with his reactions to the sight, sound and smell of her, it may have been stronger.

There is no depth to any of the characters. We don't get any "feel" for them. They don't even have names.

The set up lacks credibility because there is no thought for consequences or the feelings of anyone else. Hubby is expected to happily go along with this, and does. Wifey happily fucks herself silly and maybe gets pregnant with another bloke and never gives a passing thought to the man she's married. "Alex" could be any random wandering guy with a hard on. There's no interaction between him and wife beyond the sex.

For me, the story was a total loss.

 

[MarshAlien]

Believe me, Marsh, I've lived all my life in Canada and we use 'Fridge' too. I've never seen nor heard anyone refer to the refrigerator as a 'ref'. It is pretty hilarious.

So you think he actually meant there was a referee there? Interesting idea, though. I think I've seen that in a Woody Allen movie. I think Woody was called for illegal use of hands...

 

[mjl2010]

The tryst between "My wife" and Alex was unbelievable. I've never had a guy count my orgasms and certainly never had him comment on them.

I still agree the tryst was unbelievable.

I've um<cough> counted a few times. Made a few comments too. <double cough> Like um, "Guess you liked that, want another one?" Of course I'm weird. Even my six year old niece knows I'm weird. She doesn't know about that though.

Hate to tell ya Jenny, but plenty of us guys try to count. We keep our mouths shut usually because comments like, "Hey baby, you're just like Old Faithful!" or "Talk about the Energizer Bunny!" tend to get us kicked in the head or the nuts.

As always

MJL

 

[voluptuary_manque]

MJL is right, some of do keep count. Especially if the lady in question ordinarily likes one huge orgasm at the beginning and then concentrates on pleasuring her guy for however long the encounter lasts. It's always nice to know you've done something right later on, after all.

 

[sandy beach]

Hi
Its basically a good story, if its true then excellent, you need to make sure the details dont appear too fabricated. I agree with starrkers, it needs more "feel", thoughts emotions etc, but then we cant all be william shakespeare

 

[rosebud_6]

feedback

is english your second language? if not then i think you need to work on your language skills a little more. you have shortened too many words when it's not necessary.

also, i didn't like the ending much. sorry, but this story didn't do it for me either. i think it sounds more like someone bragging to his mates about what his wife did rather than trying to keep an audience's attention. keep trying though.

 

[maverick62]

Hey maverick2008:

I enjoyed your stories.... hot, hot, hot. you two are fortunate to have one another. Last story is April 07.... any more dates with lover or has relationship cooled? Any follow up stories planned.?

Mav62

 

[maverick62]

Hey mav 2008:

Tried to send U a PM but you don't accept. I'd like to sahe some experiences we had... If interested PM me.

Mav 62

 

[AnonymousTroll]

Can you say "Alt"?

Just try it. Sure. Go ahead. "Alt". Like that.

Ah. I knew that you could.

There. That was easy wasn't it.

ANT.

 

[maverick62]

Hey Maverick:

Happy New Year & a bump from the shakey coast. Miss seeing pics of your gorgeous wife and reading about her exploits. Hopefully you two have been busy having fun and you'll share some of the experiences.

Mav62