First story. Feedback please.

[Babli5]

Hello,

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=325612

This is my first story. I want some advice and feedback please. Thank you.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This story didn't leave me very excited. Remember the old joke that starts out, "A guy walked into a bar..." Well, that's what this story does. You told us a story, but when we come to the end we have no idea who these people are, what they were doing on the bus, why she allowed him to screw her without even a fine, "Hello".

There are thousands of these stories posted on Lit. Frankly, they are all the same - a single scene (snippet) that should have been expanded to a real story, with flat, wooden characters who never say anything and consist only of some frantic sex without introduction or motivation.

Worse, you stretch my belief system to the breaking point. How many women are going to allow some unknown, faceless, nameless guy to fuck them in public, then accept their phone number after being, essentially, raped?

I suppose for a quick wank, you did okay, but you need to learn to differentiate your writing from the vast well of mediocre stories posted on Lit. That means in-depth, well developed plots and characters who speak for themselves, with stories that draw the reader in and make them empathize, hate, love or any other emotion. As this was written, I read on simply waiting for the punch-line.

Sorry.

 

[Babli5]

Thank you for the feedback, Jenny_Jackson. I'm sorry the story didn't leave you excited. Why she is on the bus is because she is going home from college and eve-teasing is a common problem where I live, so in this story, I thought the girl could just go ahead and enjoy contact with a stranger when he approaches her. In fact, she goes looking for it.

You're right about characters not having anything more to do than the scene in the story. I think I'll expand on that in the next part.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

 

[Guest]

I think there was more to the story than that, Jenny.

There was more of a setup to her arousal. True, we didn't know much about the main character but I did like the anonymous man angle - that really is a fantasy for many women. But we should have been armed with more information about the girl first.

I thought the language was sweet and sexy and overall the story was fairly grammatically solid.

I think it's a good first effort and that you show great promise, Babli.

Keep reading and writing.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I agree with Jenny. There is no story. It's a narrative of the day's events.

 

[Babli5]

Thank you for the replies.

sweetsubsarahh, that was very encouraging. Thank you.

 

[ravi64]

Thank you for the replies.

sweetsubsarahh, that was very encouraging. Thank you.

Babli Your PMs are off can you switch them on please

 

[Olds84]

I generally liked it. You may need an editor involved to fix some things, but overall I think the story had a good flow to it.

 

[Babli5]

I generally liked it. You may need an editor involved to fix some things, but overall I think the story had a good flow to it.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.