"Why am I not getting anywhere?"

[CuriousCat89]

I have some pretty extensive experience with lit relationships. I have been very lucky - dare I say, spoiled! I have noticed some trends with my time back here that I thought I would share so men looking for women - serious women, not bots of OF pages - can have some real world advice from someone who has had a few successful lit encounters including in person.

1) Be original and authentic. When you send the same message to every possibly-female litster, we can tell. What made you want to send her a message? What interests you about her? Tell her about yourself, what you're genuinely looking for, and what non-sexual stuff about you makes you interesting and worth talking to.

2) Be worth talking to. Your one word replies don't keep us interested (the same goes for us, I know).

3) Take a hint. If we don't reply, don't come back over and over again.

4) Be aware of your post history. If your post history reads like a creep, we'll think you're a creep. If we think your posts are funny and creative, you're probably funny and creative.

5) Be available. When you message for a week or two, and there's some mutual interest or rapport, but you log off for a week without letting her know, what is she supposed to think? Share your level of communication ability, and consider moving to a non-lit app for more accurately timed chatting. Every relationship I've had on lit had blossomed much more off-lit. RIP Skype, but there are many other options that help you retain your privacy.

6) Be self aware. If you start talking and have that rapport, don't keep posting creepy drooling posts all over lit. She sees your bread crumbs. If you only want fun and flirting, be clear about that and if you're on the same page, great. Too many people do not communicate clearly what their own preferences are for their time on lit.

7) Be honest. There are ways to be honest and protect privacy as well.

I hope this helps some people understand why they're not getting the traction they're seeking on here.

Good luck!

 

[WillDarcy]

Those are all good suggestions. I haven't articulated them before but I have been trying to do most of them. Thank you.

 

[cutcrystal899]

Thank you for an insightful post.

 

[hugh_jarce69]

Some good points, thanks. I’m pretty new round here & not sure I realised there was a lot of this on here. I guess I’ve been used to other social media platforms where it’s always creepy blokes who ask for DMs. I’ve tended to keep my comments out in the open. If I like what someone has said or a pic they’ve posted I like to let them know & others can see they’ve been complimented

 

[PlayfulJay83]

Well said and thought out. Thanks so much for taking the time to educate! I figure it shouldn’t be just in the women of Lit to educate, so I’ll add some advice from the male perspective too. Dude to dude.

1) The comments on your post history reflecting your interests is so accurate. I’d add that you should take time to know what you’re looking for here and post accordingly. Don’t try to hide what your interests and personality is. If you’re feeling like you never are getting responses, take a second to consider what you’re posting and why. Any change you make shouldn’t be you hiding your intentions from everyone, but rethinking your intentions and how they may change and evolve as you learn and grow. Horny people on Lit are growing and changing every day!

2) She’s spot on about not responding to someone there isn’t interest in. Don’t take it personally. As men, we have no concept of the amount of messages women receive every day on here and it’s not really on them to answer every message, even with a “No thank you “. Also, there’s a million reasons why someone may not respond, so don’t jump to assuming the most hurtful possible reason. You can feel disappointed that a connection you hoped for wasn’t shared, but don’t get angry. If someone doesn’t want to talk because they don’t appreciate your posts/interests, that’s not a loss. It’s a sign that they probably weren’t going to be the person you were looking for either. Not connecting doesn’t mean anything more than that.

3) I’ll just echo what she said. Don’t keep following up if someone doesn’t respond. Sounding desperate doesn’t get you anywhere. Again, showing confidence in yourself by being ok with silence and the lack of interest will at least leave the other person with a feeling that you respect boundaries.

In short, take the time to reflect and explore your own mind. Understand what you are looking for and why. Own that understanding and be confident in yourself. Don’t put the need for validation on someone else’s shoulders without their knowledge or consent. It’s not fair to them but also it’s not fair to you.

 

[LeSabreur]

I am so grateful that both my daughters (aged mid-20s) have chosen men with above-average intelligence and communications skills.

Now, the flip side to this gratitude is my discouragement over the devaluation of thoughtful, meaningful conversation. Whether in response to an online for-sale posting or to a personal ad, I sadly shake my head when I see the flood of witless responses...

Hey
HMU
Interested (often misspelled)
Is the item still available?
A wordless dick pic

Our TikTok culture seems to be steering us toward the shallow end of the intellectual pool. I have disappointed a few young ladies over the years who were making sexual overtures with only their supple, perfect bodies to offer as enticement. I'm very sorry, my dear, but my most powerful erogenous zone is between my ears. I would greatly prefer to carry on with intelligent flirtation never leading to getting naked, than to play bouncy-bouncy with Miss Eye Candy.

PS: Yes, as is often pointed out to me, I am perfectly well aware that my opinion is not necessarily that of the majority!

 

[BillyWalrus]

I am so grateful that both my daughters (aged mid-20s) have chosen men with above-average intelligence and communications skills.

Now, the flip side to this gratitude is my discouragement over the devaluation of thoughtful, meaningful conversation. Whether in response to an online for-sale posting or to a personal ad, I sadly shake my head when I see the flood of witless responses...

Hey
HMU
Interested (often misspelled)
Is the item still available?
A wordless dick pic

Our TikTok culture seems to be steering us toward the shallow end of the intellectual pool. I have disappointed a few young ladies over the years who were making sexual overtures with only their supple, perfect bodies to offer as enticement. I'm very sorry, my dear, but my most powerful erogenous zone is between my ears. I would greatly prefer to carry on with intelligent flirtation never leading to getting naked, than to play bouncy-bouncy with Miss Eye Candy.

PS: Yes, as is often pointed out to me, I am perfectly well aware that my opinion is not necessarily that of the majority!

Yes, you are right. Probably not the majority but in this day and age, that's a good thing. The majority of people in this country (guess which one) are FUCKING idiots who can go fuck themselves.

 

[Nightaelf]

I’m new here, so I’m not really sure what a “lit relationship” means. Could someone explain what I should picture when people use that term or maybe even send me a message? Hasn’t happened yet… unless “I got hard reading your story” counts as an opening line?

 

[MrPimms]

Guessing when two lit posters get it together. There have been notable couples on the boards.

Does that line work as a way of garnering interest?!

 

[Nightaelf]

Guessing when two lit posters get it together. There have been notable couples on the boards.

Does that line work as a way of garnering interest?!

Ohhh... Okay!

That line doesn’t work on me, but it was a kinda thumps up.....

 

[bws1]

That was probably one of the most helpful and insightful posts I've seen in a long time. Thank you very much!!

 

[midnight_doctor_2]

I have some pretty extensive experience with lit relationships. I have been very lucky - dare I say, spoiled! I have noticed some trends with my time back here that I thought I would share so men looking for women - serious women, not bots of OF pages - can have some real world advice from someone who has had a few successful lit encounters including in person.

1) Be original and authentic. When you send the same message to every possibly-female litster, we can tell. What made you want to send her a message? What interests you about her? Tell her about yourself, what you're genuinely looking for, and what non-sexual stuff about you makes you interesting and worth talking to.

2) Be worth talking to. Your one word replies don't keep us interested (the same goes for us, I know).

3) Take a hint. If we don't reply, don't come back over and over again.

4) Be aware of your post history. If your post history reads like a creep, we'll think you're a creep. If we think your posts are funny and creative, you're probably funny and creative.

5) Be available. When you message for a week or two, and there's some mutual interest or rapport, but you log off for a week without letting her know, what is she supposed to think? Share your level of communication ability, and consider moving to a non-lit app for more accurately timed chatting. Every relationship I've had on lit had blossomed much more off-lit. RIP Skype, but there are many other options that help you retain your privacy.

6) Be self aware. If you start talking and have that rapport, don't keep posting creepy drooling posts all over lit. She sees your bread crumbs. If you only want fun and flirting, be clear about that and if you're on the same page, great. Too many people do not communicate clearly what their own preferences are for their time on lit.

7) Be honest. There are ways to be honest and protect privacy as well.

I hope this helps some people understand why they're not getting the traction they're seeking on here.

Good luck!

Get off this damn computer and go meet people. It may be scary out there but it is better than your keyboard.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Get off this damn computer and go meet people. It may be scary out there but it is better than your keyboard.

I do. All the time.

 

[EctoJohn]

1) Be original and authentic.

2) Be worth talking to.

I am authentically not worth talking to.

 

[Nightaelf]

I am authentically not worth talking to.

That’s a very negative way to see yourself, and it makes it harder to connect with others. It’s a pity you feel that way.

 

[EctoJohn]

That’s a very negative way to see yourself, and it makes it harder to connect with others. It’s a pity you feel that way.

Yeah, but on the plus side it's honest.

 

[RyanCastle9]

I have some pretty extensive experience with lit relationships. I have been very lucky - dare I say, spoiled! I have noticed some trends with my time back here that I thought I would share so men looking for women - serious women, not bots of OF pages - can have some real world advice from someone who has had a few successful lit encounters including in person.

1) Be original and authentic. When you send the same message to every possibly-female litster, we can tell. What made you want to send her a message? What interests you about her? Tell her about yourself, what you're genuinely looking for, and what non-sexual stuff about you makes you interesting and worth talking to.

2) Be worth talking to. Your one word replies don't keep us interested (the same goes for us, I know).

3) Take a hint. If we don't reply, don't come back over and over again.

4) Be aware of your post history. If your post history reads like a creep, we'll think you're a creep. If we think your posts are funny and creative, you're probably funny and creative.

5) Be available. When you message for a week or two, and there's some mutual interest or rapport, but you log off for a week without letting her know, what is she supposed to think? Share your level of communication ability, and consider moving to a non-lit app for more accurately timed chatting. Every relationship I've had on lit had blossomed much more off-lit. RIP Skype, but there are many other options that help you retain your privacy.

6) Be self aware. If you start talking and have that rapport, don't keep posting creepy drooling posts all over lit. She sees your bread crumbs. If you only want fun and flirting, be clear about that and if you're on the same page, great. Too many people do not communicate clearly what their own preferences are for their time on lit.

7) Be honest. There are ways to be honest and protect privacy as well.

I hope this helps some people understand why they're not getting the traction they're seeking on here.

Good luck!

Those are great thoughts thank you @CuriousCat89 I would echo every word. I've made some really great friends here on lit and other platforms. And I've been lucky that a small few have blossomed into something really special. And always, always always, it came from being real and open.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Yes, you are right. Probably not the majority but in this day and age, that's a good thing. The majority of people in this country (guess which one) are FUCKING idiots who can go fuck themselves.

Ok I'm out of guesses. Who are the majority of the people ?

 

[lifeis2short2b]

I have some pretty extensive experience with lit relationships. I have been very lucky - dare I say, spoiled! I have noticed some trends with my time back here that I thought I would share so men looking for women - serious women, not bots of OF pages - can have some real world advice from someone who has had a few successful lit encounters including in person.

1) Be original and authentic. When you send the same message to every possibly-female litster, we can tell. What made you want to send her a message? What interests you about her? Tell her about yourself, what you're genuinely looking for, and what non-sexual stuff about you makes you interesting and worth talking to.

2) Be worth talking to. Your one word replies don't keep us interested (the same goes for us, I know).

3) Take a hint. If we don't reply, don't come back over and over again.

4) Be aware of your post history. If your post history reads like a creep, we'll think you're a creep. If we think your posts are funny and creative, you're probably funny and creative.

5) Be available. When you message for a week or two, and there's some mutual interest or rapport, but you log off for a week without letting her know, what is she supposed to think? Share your level of communication ability, and consider moving to a non-lit app for more accurately timed chatting. Every relationship I've had on lit had blossomed much more off-lit. RIP Skype, but there are many other options that help you retain your privacy.

6) Be self aware. If you start talking and have that rapport, don't keep posting creepy drooling posts all over lit. She sees your bread crumbs. If you only want fun and flirting, be clear about that and if you're on the same page, great. Too many people do not communicate clearly what their own preferences are for their time on lit.

7) Be honest. There are ways to be honest and protect privacy as well.

I hope this helps some people understand why they're not getting the traction they're seeking on here.

Good luck!

All those things. Yet still get ghosted.

It's easy for a woman here to set ground rules, and that's fine. A man's experience here is much different. Males dominate this site yet women control it. Some guys post some straight up front threads and get ignored. Then you have women posting a thread saying "Hello" and they are flooded with responses the thread never dies.

 

[CuriousCat89]

All those things. Yet still get ghosted.

It's easy for a woman here to set ground rules, and that's fine. A man's experience here is much different. Males dominate this site yet women control it. Some guys post some straight up front threads and get ignored. Then you have women posting a thread saying "Hello" and they are flooded with responses the thread never dies.

Welcome to the world. Men are, generally, the chasers and women the chased (stereotypically). However, someone posting 'hello' and getting flooded doesn't mean they're getting the type of person they're looking for. Example: I wrote a specific post, and still got people who didn't read it. And, honestly, a lot of men don't know how to have a conversation. If your base line chemistry is decent in PM, move to a chat program and have a real time conversation. A lot of men don't do this - or can't because of their personal situation at home (lack of privacy, most likely).

Your post reads like a grievance instead of a look at your past conversations. I've ignore people who send messages that don't mesh with what I'm looking for - that isn't to be offensive, it's because I don't owe anyone a reason I'm not interested.

Anyway, good luck!

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Welcome to the world. Men are, generally, the chasers and women the chased (stereotypically). However, someone posting 'hello' and getting flooded doesn't mean they're getting the type of person they're looking for. Example: I wrote a specific post, and still got people who didn't read it. And, honestly, a lot of men don't know how to have a conversation. If your base line chemistry is decent in PM, move to a chat program and have a real time conversation. A lot of men don't do this - or can't because of their personal situation at home (lack of privacy, most likely).

Your post reads like a grievance instead of a look at your past conversations. I've ignore people who send messages that don't mesh with what I'm looking for - that isn't to be offensive, it's because I don't owe anyone a reason I'm not interested.

Anyway, good luck!

Well perhaps it is some form a grievance, just like your post is. Actually it's a list of your grievances.

I prefer to see it as experience. I think I can speak for a good percentage of "decent" guys here. I'm pretty confident in my conversations, never reply with one or two words. In my profile I state if you don't have a profile I won't respond. Interesting you get to choose not to respond to someone because they don't "mesh" with you. So you just don't respond with a follow up convo ? Exchange one or two DM and then ghost them ?

It's easy for a woman to do this here because the pool is so big. Big enough that you can set up a list of criteria.

 

[Splendidjane]

Well perhaps it is some form a grievance, just like your post is. Actually it's a list of your grievances.

I prefer to see it as experience. I think I can speak for a good percentage of "decent" guys here. I'm pretty confident in my conversations, never reply with one or two words. In my profile I state if you don't have a profile I won't respond. Interesting you get to choose not to respond to someone because they don't "mesh" with you. So you just don't respond with a follow up convo ? Exchange one or two DM and then ghost them ?

It's easy for a woman to do this here because the pool is so big. Big enough that you can set up a list of criteria.

I feel like what’s different is @CuriousCat89 seems good with her outcomes-she’s not looking for a different outcome.

For me-her post sounded like context about the different decisions she makes for herself that leads to these outcomes-this is how she manages her experience on lit. And for folks who are looking to change their outcomes-it might be helpful to understand what those are…

 

[CuriousCat89]

Well perhaps it is some form a grievance, just like your post is. Actually it's a list of your grievances.

I prefer to see it as experience. I think I can speak for a good percentage of "decent" guys here. I'm pretty confident in my conversations, never reply with one or two words. In my profile I state if you don't have a profile I won't respond. Interesting you get to choose not to respond to someone because they don't "mesh" with you. So you just don't respond with a follow up convo ? Exchange one or two DM and then ghost them ?

It's easy for a woman to do this here because the pool is so big. Big enough that you can set up a list of criteria.

Find a different pool if you have so many complaints. We all have criteria. Not being clear about it sets you up for frustration and disappointment.

I have no grievances. I have had serious (real life) long term relationships from this site. Clearly I’ve done something halfway right.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

I feel like what’s different is @CuriousCat89 seems good with her outcomes-she’s not looking for a different outcome.

For me-her post sounded like context about the different decisions she makes for herself that leads to these outcomes-this is how she manages her experience on lit. And for folks who are looking to change their outcomes-it might be helpful to understand what those are…

I can understand that. But there are plenty of guys here, Ok maybe not plenty, but some guys who do the things she suggests. I for one have no issue with her "suggestions' and unknowingly do them. It doesn't always help. Some guys put a lot of thought and effort when reaching out to women here and get nothing in return.
What's interesting here is. In my personal everyday life I have no problem talking to a woman making her smile and just get along. You would think it would be easier here, but it's not.
I'm not bitching or complaining, I have had some very nice conversations here. But definitively difference experiences for men and women. online and real life.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Find a different pool if you have so many complaints. We all have criteria. Not being clear about it sets you up for frustration and disappointment.

I have no grievances. I have had serious (real life) long term relationships from this site. Clearly I’ve done something halfway right.

Again not a complaint. An observation. No need to get angry over a difference in opinion and experiences.