Feels too mechanical, how would you fix this?

[NuclearFairy]

Not sure how to fix this. Anyone got any ideas? Fair warning, it's a bit of an SM moment. Also maybe give generic tips on how to fix mechanical sounding paragraphs.

Before Larry could respond to that, they heard Sonny snarling from the bath, “Bite me ya bloody fuckin’ cunt.”

Both towels stilled, as the orcs that were holding them turned to look.

(Feels too mechanical, can’t figure out how to get it to flow better though.)
Depth had Sonny’s ear torqued to pull his head out of the way. Depth’s jaw was clamped onto the smaller orc’s exposed shoulder. The sound of Sonny’s gasping moans, and Depth’s aggressive growls rang out over the top of the rhythmic splashing.(From a hand job)

 

[Blake_Palafox]

Not sure how to fix this. Anyone got any ideas? Fair warning, it's a bit of an SM moment. Also maybe give generic tips on how to fix mechanical sounding paragraphs.

You can let the reader fill in more details, and you don't always have to be 100% on who is experiencing something. Also, experiment with the order of the clauses. Larry is being interrupted by Sonny, so it makes sense to start with Sonny's line. You would be interrupting the reader at the same time the character is interrupting the other character. Here is what I mean:

"Bite me ya bloody fuckin' cunt!" Sonny belowed from the bathroom before Larry had time to respond. The orcs holding the towels stopped moving and looked in the direction of the sound.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Not sure how to fix this. Anyone got any ideas? Fair warning, it's a bit of an SM moment. Also maybe give generic tips on how to fix mechanical sounding paragraphs.

I see too problems. It is it's all passive voice, and the language is rather mild for what seems to be an action filled scene.

Depth had Sonny’s ear torqued to pull his head out of the way. Depth’s jaw was clamped onto the smaller orc’s exposed shoulder. The sound of Sonny’s gasping moans, and Depth’s aggressive growls rang out over the top of the rhythmic splashing.

Depth torqued Sonny's ear, pulling (yanking? wrenching?) his head out of the way. He seized the smaller orc's exposed (naked? bare?) shoulder in his jaws. Sonny's gasping moans and Depth's aggressive (threatening?) growls drowned out the rhythmic splashing ( Hard to think of moans and growls as "ringing)

 

[NotWise]

I'd join the first two sentences to "...out of the way, and Depth's jaw..."

Another alternative might be to remove both of the first sentences. It isn't always necessary or helpful to describe physical postures in detail, and what you have causes me to ask more questions than it answers. For instance, out of the way of what?

 

[NuclearFairy]

Hard to think of moans and growls as "ringing

Everything sounds ringing to me in a tile or stone bathroom. But, I am extremely hard of hearing and have never been in a tub with my hearing aids in.

 

[NuclearFairy]

For instance, out of the way of what?

Out of the way of the other guy's face.

 

[NotWise]

Out of the way of the other guy's face.

Okay. I get no picture of how they're positioned (sitting, facing each other, front to back?). If it's important, then it needs to be clear. If it isn't important, then maybe it can be removed.

 

[Blake_Palafox]

The other one needs less past progressive tense. Try juxtaposing ideas and letting the reader make the connection, also:

Depth latched onto Sonny's shoulder with his powerful jaws. He grunted and gave Sonny's ear a painful torquing with his free hand, yanking the smaller orc's head out of the way. Depth's growl and Sonny's breathy moan rang out over rhythmic splashing.

(I assumed Depth was giving Sonny the HJ. The reason I didn't say "the" rhytmic splashing is a style thing that I don't understand but like.)

 

[Blake_Palafox]

Everything sounds ringing to me in a tile or stone bathroom. But, I am extremely hard of hearing and have never been in a tub with my hearing aids in.

Describing their voices echoing off the tile instead of ringing will make it more visceral and specific, which is good in a scene of wild sex like this.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Not sure how to fix this. Anyone got any ideas? Fair warning, it's a bit of an SM moment. Also maybe give generic tips on how to fix mechanical sounding paragraphs.

Before Larry could respond they heard Sonny snarling from the bath, “Bite me ya fuckin’ cunt.”

Both towels stilled, as the orcs holding them turned to look.

Perhaps??? Just a suggestion.... I think the inclusion of bloody breaks the flow...

Cagivagurl

 

[Blake_Palafox]

Before Larry could respond they heard Sonny snarling from the bath, “Bite me ya fuckin’ cunt.”

Both towels stilled, as the orcs holding them turned to look.

Perhaps??? Just a suggestion.... I think the inclusion of bloody breaks the flow...

Cagivagurl

I agree from a sheer flow of words sense. I don't know the character, though, and it might be an important personality trait that they make what they say sort of stilted and awkward by inserting random profanity.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I agree from a sheer flow of words sense. I don't know the character, though, and it might be an important personality trait that they make what they say sort of stilted and awkward by inserting random profanity.

Yes, agreed.
That was not the only change I suggested.
I also removed a couple of (To me) excess words.
It's all stylistic. Every writer develops their own unique style...
Sometimes, by offering suggestions. Their personality fades...
I'm very aware of that in offering prompts....

Cagivagurl

 

[NuclearFairy]

I agree from a sheer flow of words sense. I don't know the character, though, and it might be an important personality trait that they make what they say sort of stilted and awkward by inserting random profanity.

They are kinda a profanity laden bunch.

 

[Blake_Palafox]

Here's some general thoughts on making things less mechanical.

It can help to just use more colorful words and be more specific. Here is an example:

"Joe grabbed Stacy from behind, then smelled her hair."

V

"Joe wrapped his arms around Stacy's waist. His nostrils flared as he enjoyed the scent of her hair."

This setting version also makes the reader work a little, which adds some interest. In my second version, I never say he smells her hair, I imply it by giving a physical detail of the action (flaring nostrils) and a sensory detail and emotion from the action (smell and pleasure.)

I also often leave out linking words like "then." They have their place, but putting two ideas next to each other often gives things more energy.

To take juxtaposition and implication further, you could say, "Joe slid his arms around Stacy's waist. Her hair smelled like roses."

In the case, I'm really making the reader work. I don't say what Joe did after grabbing her. I don't describe his reaction. I make the reader fill in the detail that he smelled her hair, and I suggest a positive response by naming an aroma associated with beauty and love.

TLDR: If you want writing to be less mechanical, leave the mechanics out.

 

[Thanatos_X13]

It's a pretty short section, so kinda hard to evaluate how it flows within the broader context. I usually try to condense as much as possible. Also, I find that grouping actions together and punctuating with dialogue tends to work better for me. Also ditching as many clauses as possible. Here's how I'd edit it:

Before Larry could respond, a shout from the bath drew both orcs' attentions, their towels forgotten. (I'd cut the towels bit if it's not necessary. Again, not sure of the preceding context)

“Go on, bite me, ya bloody fuckin’ cunt,” Sonny snarled.

Depth had his ear torqued to the side, while his jaw dug onto the smaller orc's exposed shoulder. Sonny’s gasping moans and Depth’s aggressive growls rang out over the rhythmic splashing.