President Trump Accused of Replacing White House Lightbulbs with Glow-in-the-Dark Pickles

[Baztrachian]

President Trump Accused of Replacing White House Lightbulbs with Glow-in-the-Dark Pickles​

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that has left historians, electricians, and sandwich enthusiasts reeling, former President Donald J. Trump has been accused of replacing every single White House lightbulb with glow-in-the-dark pickles.


According to the Institute for Luminescent Vegetables Quarterly (Fall 2023 edition, “Special Pickle Issue”), Trump called the move “a tremendous innovation, the greatest innovation, even greater than sliced bread — which, by the way, was invented only after I told someone about it.”¹

---

Witnesses Describe “PickleGate”​

Eyewitnesses claim that in early 2019, delivery trucks bearing the mysterious label Kosher Technologies, LLC arrived at the White House under the cover of night. The operation was allegedly coordinated by a man identified in leaked documents as “Gary, the Guy Who Knows About Jars.”²


One staffer, speaking anonymously to The National Journal of Illuminated Produce, said, “The hallways glowed a faint green. It felt less like the seat of democracy and more like the inside of a radioactive deli.”³

---

Not Trump’s First “Innovation”​

Critics argue this fits into a broader pattern of culinary-mechanical experiments during Trump’s tenure:

• In 2018, Trump allegedly proposed replacing the Secret Service’s firearms with oversized breadsticks, claiming they were “both defensive and delicious.”⁴
• In 2019, he is rumored to have suggested filling the Reflecting Pool with Jell-O “so children would finally respect it.”⁵
• By 2020, sources claim he attempted to rebrand Air Force One as “Sky Burrito One,” insisting the plane be “wrapped tightly in a giant tortilla for aerodynamics.”⁶

Scholarly Confusion​

Historians remain baffled. “There’s simply no precedent for pickle-based lighting in executive mansions,” explained Professor Edith Lampwick of Yale’s Department of Questionable Illumination.⁷


Meanwhile, the Journal of Condiment Policy reported that Trump was considering an executive order to declare mayonnaise a “strategic national resource” before leaving office.⁸

---

Aftermath​

Trump, for his part, has denied all allegations, telling Western Pickle News:

“It’s fake news. I never replaced the bulbs with pickles. I considered cucumbers, maybe — but only the best cucumbers, huge cucumbers, perfect cucumbers. Everybody says so.”

---

References​

1. Institute for Luminescent Vegetables Quarterly. “Special Pickle Issue.” Vol. 42, No. 3 (2023).
2. Declassified memo: Operation Brine Storm. National Jar Archives (2019).
3. National Journal of Illuminated Produce. “The Glow That Shook Democracy.” Winter 2020.
4. Olive Garden Security Studies Review. “Breadsticks as Non-Lethal Defense Mechanisms.” (2018).
5. Desserts & Democracy Monthly. “Gelatinous Patriotism: The Reflecting Pool as Dessert.” (2019).
6. Aviation Nacho News. “Wrapping Airplanes in Tortillas: A White Paper.” Vol. 1 (2020).
7. Lampwick, Edith. The History of Illumination by Edible Means. Yale University Press, 2021.
8. Journal of Condiment Policy. “Mayonnaise: America’s Forgotten Resource.” Vol. 12, Issue 4 (2020).

 

[Baztrachian]

Do I need to call this satire?

The point is that people make shit up all the time and then refer back to it as if it were true.

Therefore I look forward to a few years from now when someone tells me about how DJT once lit the White House with pickles.

 

[HisArpy]

Do I need to call this satire?

The point is that people make shit up all the time and then refer back to it as if it were true.

Therefore I look forward to a few years from now when someone tells me about how DJT once lit the White House with pickles.

To be fair, he got the pickles from Ukraine as a small part of the rare earth minerals deal. Imported them directly from the guys at Chernobyl farms.

They'll light the WH for 5000 years.

 

[Philthy_Phil]

Do I need to call this satire?

The point is that people make shit up all the time and then refer back to it as if it were true.

Therefore I look forward to a few years from now when someone tells me about how DJT once lit the White House with pickles.

Rape and pedophilia are good things to support. Every trumptard loves them a good raping of a kid.

 

[latecomer91364]

This is not satire. Satire is intelligent and nuanced.

This thread is just stupid.

 

[HisArpy]

This is not satire. Satire is intelligent and nuanced.

This thread is just stupid.

Nuance? You want nuance?

Whaddya think this is, a burger king? (yes because you can get pickles on your burger there!)


Sheesh, tough crowd tonite...

Anyway, nuanced version:
A. Trump could cure cancer and the Left would meme that he's denying the cure for non-cancer patients.

or, nuance filter on full:

B. Trump could find an energy source to light the world (maybe with glow-in-the-dark pickles) and someone would complain about it too.

 

[latecomer91364]

Nuance? You want nuance?

Whaddya think this is, a burger king? (yes because you can get pickles on your burger there!)


Sheesh, tough crowd tonite...

Anyway, nuanced version:
A. Trump could cure cancer and the Left would meme that he's denying the cure for non-cancer patients.

or, nuance filter on full:

B. Trump could find an energy source to light the world (maybe with glow-in-the-dark pickles) and someone would complain about it too.

So... you're a conservative?

I must have missed it because it's rare here.

If that's the case, I'm with you, but I still stand by my stance of what makes good satire. No apology.

 

[dmallord]

President Trump Accused of Replacing White House Lightbulbs with Glow-in-the-Dark Pickles​

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that has left historians, electricians, and sandwich enthusiasts reeling, former President Donald J. Trump has been accused of replacing every single White House lightbulb with glow-in-the-dark pickles.


According to the Institute for Luminescent Vegetables Quarterly (Fall 2023 edition, “Special Pickle Issue”), Trump called the move “a tremendous innovation, the greatest innovation, even greater than sliced bread — which, by the way, was invented only after I told someone about it.”¹

---

Witnesses Describe “PickleGate”​

Eyewitnesses claim that in early 2019, delivery trucks bearing the mysterious label Kosher Technologies, LLC arrived at the White House under the cover of night. The operation was allegedly coordinated by a man identified in leaked documents as “Gary, the Guy Who Knows About Jars.”²


One staffer, speaking anonymously to The National Journal of Illuminated Produce, said, “The hallways glowed a faint green. It felt less like the seat of democracy and more like the inside of a radioactive deli.”³

---

Not Trump’s First “Innovation”​

Critics argue this fits into a broader pattern of culinary-mechanical experiments during Trump’s tenure:

• In 2018, Trump allegedly proposed replacing the Secret Service’s firearms with oversized breadsticks, claiming they were “both defensive and delicious.”⁴
• In 2019, he is rumored to have suggested filling the Reflecting Pool with Jell-O “so children would finally respect it.”⁵
• By 2020, sources claim he attempted to rebrand Air Force One as “Sky Burrito One,” insisting the plane be “wrapped tightly in a giant tortilla for aerodynamics.”⁶

Scholarly Confusion​

Historians remain baffled. “There’s simply no precedent for pickle-based lighting in executive mansions,” explained Professor Edith Lampwick of Yale’s Department of Questionable Illumination.⁷


Meanwhile, the Journal of Condiment Policy reported that Trump was considering an executive order to declare mayonnaise a “strategic national resource” before leaving office.⁸

---

Aftermath​

Trump, for his part, has denied all allegations, telling Western Pickle News:

---

References​

1. Institute for Luminescent Vegetables Quarterly. “Special Pickle Issue.” Vol. 42, No. 3 (2023).
2. Declassified memo: Operation Brine Storm. National Jar Archives (2019).
3. National Journal of Illuminated Produce. “The Glow That Shook Democracy.” Winter 2020.
4. Olive Garden Security Studies Review. “Breadsticks as Non-Lethal Defense Mechanisms.” (2018).
5. Desserts & Democracy Monthly. “Gelatinous Patriotism: The Reflecting Pool as Dessert.” (2019).
6. Aviation Nacho News. “Wrapping Airplanes in Tortillas: A White Paper.” Vol. 1 (2020).
7. Lampwick, Edith. The History of Illumination by Edible Means. Yale University Press, 2021.
8. Journal of Condiment Policy. “Mayonnaise: America’s Forgotten Resource.” Vol. 12, Issue 4 (2020).

The burning question now: will the Right allow charges for that malevolent deed, and will he escape trial again by a Leftist-pickled jury?

 

[Bn2f]

I guess this is kinda funny.
But why go through the trouble of making up crap like this when the left really wants the same thing you yourself have called for from the
trump admin - the unredacted release of the Epstein files. Howsabout ya stick with that?

 

[dmallord]

Nuance? You want nuance?

Whaddya think this is, a burger king? (yes because you can get pickles on your burger there!)


Sheesh, tough crowd tonite...

Anyway, nuanced version:
A. Trump could cure cancer and the Left would meme that he's denying the cure for non-cancer patients.

Kennedy says Trump's pickle juice regimen already cures cancer, but you have to have the Right-leaning genes, as he stated in a Breitbart interview yesterday. So the Left can try it without any effect. It's tough to be a Leftist these days. They seem to all have health problems.

or, nuance filter on full:

B. Trump could find an energy source to light the world (maybe with glow-in-the-dark pickles) and someone would complain about it too.

The Breitbart article has confirmed this, and it's already in this post. You must have poor Rightest reading skills. You're late to scoop that one, too!

 

[RoryN]

This is not satire. Satire is intelligent and nuanced.

This thread is just stupid.

So... you're a conservative?

I must have missed it because it's rare here.

If that's the case, I'm with you, but I still stand by my stance of what makes good satire. No apology.

A common Deplorable problem. You all are too dumb, angry, and socially inept to do satire.

For a collection of failures of this exact type:

Challenge to Lit Deplorables: try to be funny!

 

[coati]

A common Deplorable problem. You all are too dumb, angry, and socially inept to do satire.

For a collection of failures of this exact type:

Challenge to Lit Deplorables: try to be funny!

It's painful witnessing their attempts at humor.

Like watching Richard Nixon trying out a stand-up routine at the Apollo Theater.

It's no wonder Bacitracin and Harpy can't get laid.

 

[Lazaran]

President Trump Accused of <snip attempt at minimizing THE DONOLD TRUMP & JEFFREY EPSTEIN SCANDAL AND THE DONOLD TRUMP & VLADIMIR PUTIN SCANDAL ETC ETC ETC >

It. Won’t. Work.

I guess this is kinda funny.
But why go through the trouble of making up crap like this when the left really wants the same thing you yourself have called for from the
trump admin - the unredacted release of the Epstein files. Howsabout ya stick with that?

We. Told. Them. So.

 

[HisArpy]

So... you're a conservative?

I must have missed it because it's rare here.

If that's the case, I'm with you, but I still stand by my stance of what makes good satire. No apology.

I'm the best of both political worlds, though some here would snarkily disagree.

I'm a conservative because I believe in the rule of law. ALL the law, not just the bits I agree with. This includes abortion, guns, free speech and many other things which have been discussed here. If it's legal, I'm good with it. If illegal, get ready for some brutal commentary that's gonna leave a mark.

I'm a liberal because I believe that people ought to be able to do whatever they wish as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. I'm also anti-authority and I have a serious problem with people who think that their authority somehow conveys unlimited power.

Neither of those things make me middle of the road. No, I'm an extremist. I believe those things are immutable and anyone who disagrees is just flat wrong because they're putting something other than the law and people first. There is no middle ground.

The coolest bit is that most people are exactly the same way. We know wrong when we run into it. And we can tell when we're being gaslighted by those who are trying to play us.

The difference between me and the rest is that I'm not afraid to stand up when necessary. The proof of that is in the scars I bear on my body and soul.

 

[Bray123]

Why do people refer to JFK Jr., Bondi, Habba, Patel, McMahon and the rest as 'glow in the dark pickles'?

 

[Bn2f]

I'm the best of both political worlds, though some here would snarkily disagree.
I'm a conservative because I believe in the rule of law... The proof of that is in the scars I bear on my body and soul.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaaaah - saying crap that is provable bullshit.

Tries sticking the landing by channeling Maya Angelou in the last sentence.

 

[HisArpy]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaaaah - saying crap that is provable bullshit.

Tries sticking the landing by channeling Maya Angelou in the last sentence.

You have no idea about the things I've done except what I've posted here.

I busted my ass for years to become a lawyer. I also busted my ass while in the military. I routinely go alone, on a daily basis, into places and situations where the police refuse to go except in force. I have been shot, stabbed (twice), beat, assaulted, accosted, and abused by those attempting to avoid and evade their responsibilities. I've done this for 30 years and its left its indelible mark.

What I get in return is self aggrandizing bullshit from sniveling cowards like yourself who spit on people like me for keeping you safe in your snug little bed at night just so you can go out tomorrow and call people like me nasty names and use assassination as a tool of oppression against those who oppose your stupid suicidal slide into debauchery and social annihilation.

YOU are the problem. But, instead of facing up to that fact, you will just post more of your inane comments so you can feel better about yourself on the internet.

 

[Bn2f]

You have no idea about the things I've done except what I've posted here.

HELLO?!!!

This is exactly why I said what I said you fuckin clown.

 

[HisArpy]

HELLO?!!!

This is exactly why I said what I said you fuckin clown.

Most normal people would have shut the fuck up by now.

And then there's you...

 

[Meekly_Anna]

I'm absolutely sure this is a lie.
Trump enlightened by the green? That must be fake.

 

[Bn2f]

Most normal people would have shut the fuck up by now.

And then there's you...

What can I say, I live to see you tormented.
Whenever a member embarrasses you an angel earns themselves a real law degree.

 

[DanOkeffie]

What can I say, I live to see you tormented.
Whenever a member embarrasses you an angel earns themselves a real law degree.

dude, the glow sticks do not go in your ass. but thank you for trying