How does it feel to be a Dominant?

[MaturemanAJ]

I've never had a "successful" relationship where I wasn't firmly a dom, but that's very situational, right? I'm a bleeding heart, I cry without shame, I'm a shameless dog-kissing pet-dad and I try my best to be sweet and generous. I also demand absolute respect in return, which may not be completely intuitive. I feel like softness needs to be reinforced with hardness, like if I'm baring myself I need a rigid framework to support that for the sake of my own self respect, or something?

All I really know for sure is that I'm a very soft guy who abandons control in many aspects of a relationship, but longs to have complete safety with my partner and the best way I find to feel that safety is to take complete control in bed, to abandon all uncertainty about the truest most intimate aspects. That contrast, soft/rough, gentle/firm, is really sexy to me and it's been hard to maintain a relationship where that feeling wasn't reciprocated.

TLDR; It feels great to be a dom because I experience ultimate safety and ultimate wish fulfilment

After reading your comments and OP I am guessing at best you are a switch not a dominant.
I am much like you and been in a few dom/sub situations and it was at times difficult to do what the sub wanted ir needed because I am not an uncaring monster or narcissist.
From my experience every dom/sub relationship is different so don't try to cookie cutter it.
Sometimes if you are in an existing relationship and trying to introduce this it takes time and may never work.
Communication is EXTREMELY important in a dom/sub relationship.

Feel free to PM me and we can just chat about the topic.

 

[Junglejane44]

It feels.... powerful! I can't explain the pleasure it gives me when I control my sub's pleasure or rather withhold it from him until I feel like he deserves it!

 

[wwot40]

I understand that Dom/sub relationships vary widely in terms of how far they go, how defined the roles are, and when the relationship is "active" (ie, maybe in the bedroom only occasionally when the mood strikes, maybe play extends further than that, etc)

I also understand that both parties entered into it willingly, and that a successful Dom/sub relationship is dependent upon good and open communication, both inside the D/s and outside. And that trust is essential.

At the core of all that is the relationship between the Dom and the sub, and that's what I'm curious about.

The submissive side ... that I think I get. I can intellectually understand why someone would find that sexy. I can also feel it at a visceral level when I picture myself being confidently told to do something in a sexual situation by someone that I trust and respect.

The dominance side, however, I'm less clear about. My brain can accept that someone could find it sexy to be given sexual power over someone, but my heart can't really connect with that idea. I like being in control, but it doesn't excite me. I'd like to better understand the perspective of a Dominant (because I'm curious but also because my writing will inevitably touch on this and I want to write my Dominant-tending characters as authentically as possible).

So my question is for the Dominants out there. What's going through your head when you're exercising that role? What is it about being the Dominant that turns you on and excites you?

I know that for me it is a pure, sensual experience that I am imparting on both my submissive and myself.

When I’m in that space, my entire focus narrows to my submissive; their breath, the way their skin shivers under my touch, the little sounds they don’t even realize they’re making. What excites me is knowing I can take them deeper with just a whisper, a hand at the back of their neck, or the way I pace each sensation. I love holding that control, not to overpower, but to guide them into surrender, to build them up until they’re trembling on the edge. The trust they give me is intoxicating, and what turns me on most is seeing them lose themselves in the experience I’m creating for us.

 

[BillyWalrus]

How does it feel to be a dominant? I don't know. I will go ask my gf.

 

[Britva415]

My brain can accept that someone could find it sexy to be given sexual power over someone, but my heart can't really connect with that idea. I like being in control, but it doesn't excite me.

First of all: What if it wasn't about control and power, but about responsibility and a sense of team-leading? There are Doms who get off on power and control and that's all there is to it, and (I believe) there are others who use power and control in service of "upstream" tendencies or desires or fulfillments.

Beyond that, what if it weren't about excitement, but excitement could still happen/come about during a Dom/sub interaction or relationship? Controlling/overpowering someone or mentoring/guiding them might not be exciting all by itself, but (at least some of) the situations in which one exercises control or leadership could just be exciting situations which also satisfy the upstream desire. In a relationship or a "dynamic," there are probably lots of other situations where sexual excitement doesn't come into it our out of it but the Dom/sub buttons still get pushed.

Kind of like - for some Doms, using one's exertion of control to use someone is exciting, while for others, being capable of using someone is a tool to get the sub to do the thing which is exciting to the Dom. This can be flipped around for the sub, too: some subs love being used, but others love pleasing the Dom by complying with what pleases them.

So like in one kind of dynamic, it really is the control and the obedience which is the mutual thrill, and in a second kind of dynamic, it's not the compliance that's the thrill, it's the acts which compliance unlocked which is the mutual thrill.

Ideally, for both partners. Yet, with communication and same-paging of expectations, the two types can mix, as well: A compliance-loving Dom can show a pleasure-yielding sub a good time, and a kinky-act-loving Dom can show a use-me-abuse-me sub a good time too.

 

[grifin]

Thrilling, Exciting, satisfying

 

[Eyelevel]

It gives control when maybe irl you have no control over things.

 

[Crankbait88]

For me, being dominant feels like the natural state while im engaged with a partner. Ive attempted to put myself in submissive roles, yet I find it difficult and uncomfortable if that makes sense.

Im not a dominant who is into humiliation for my pleasure, but will engage at times if my partner wishes. Im a dominant who also enjoys the fact that my partners enjoy a session as much, if not more than I do. I enjoy taking care of my sub and making them feel loved and cherished. I love to praise them.

But I am also not above a session where I concentrate on my satisfaction.

So that's how I am dominant. May not be like any other, but im sure not submissive in the least.

 

[Hypocrites]

So that's how I am dominant. May not be like any other, but im sure not submissive in the least.

What you wrote is not so different from others. There's as many different styles of dominance and submission as there are... well, dominants and submissives. What you write of is not uncommon.

@HyposMuse is my most valued possession. She's treasured, kept and protected. I've always been dominant but in that, the enjoyment and intense pleasure of my lovers always enhanced my pleasure. In our case, I live to see her face in the throes of intense sensation and pleasure. Her smiles and seeing the tension leave her body in release are intoxicating.

You're more like others than maybe you believe.