The psychological basis for cuckoldry

[liqueur]

(I'm using ‘cuckoldry’ in the broadest sense here). What are your thoughts about why some men enjoy knowing their wife is with other men? I'm hoping for an at least semi-serious discussion here— not a porn thread.

I read an essay years ago in which the author proposed that there are two kinds of men (always, that dualism!)— the strong and virile type, and the... well, the not strong and virile type. The writer claimed that prehistorically, the first type were the leaders, the best hunters, and a little later, the best warriors. They could of course have their pick of the women. But the second type were the more dependable ones. They were the caretakers, the nurturers, who would watch over a woman while she pregnant and was nursing and take care of the family as the children were born. Being weaker, they were also, of necessity, more submissive.

The women (this writer claimed) would prefer the stronger type for breeding, finding them more attractive, more pleasurable, more etc (or, biologically speaking, mute viable). But once they were pregnant, they would always return to the submissive mate for nurturing and for what evolved to be love.

Getting more outrageous as he went along, the writer then claimed that the hunter/warrior types evolved bigger cocks so (a) the women would prefer them even more, and (b) their sperm would be injected deeper, giving it a head start over the weaker (and obviously small-cocked ) types. He even went so far as to claim that the head of a man's penis, with its ridge around its edge, had evolved for the purpose of drawing the other guys’ sperm out of the woman as he planted his own in a stronger position.

Obviously, the story was pure poppycock— not only did the author not have a shred of scientific evidence to back it up, but if it were true— if there were indeed two separate, genetically defined types of men— by now, natural selection would have bred the weaker types out of existence. But it was an entertaining read, and for all I know, it may have been written entirely tongue-in-cheek.

To the point: I've pondered, ever since: realistically speaking, what is the social or psychological mechanism by which some men become more competitive and jealous (and/or players) while other men go the other way and enjoy sharing our being cheated on?

Any thoughts?

 

[CharlieBoker]

What an interesting post. For years, I've been fascinated with the psychology behind the popular male love of cuckoldry.

The interest in the psychological side of it started for me when I became confused by my own arousal surrounding cuckold fantasies about my wife. I mean it flies in the face of what we grow up learning about love and marriage, right?

I've read many interesting theories about it over the years. It's always interesting to explore the subject.

Some theories link cuckoldry to bisexuality in male partners, which in my case is actually true.

I have to say I quite like the theory in the post, since it makes sense on a more animalistic and raw way.

I must admit I also found it quite arousing to read. Sorry, I know you said don't turn it into a porn thread! But that's also quite telling I think, maybe it was arousing because I was reading something that appealed to my true nature, to fit in to the correct role. Perhaps, caring, sensitive and happy to watch something sexy happening to a tribe female I truly care for and maybe also service or capitulate to a more powerful male......Highly potent, erotic stuff.

 

[liqueur]

I'm so pleased to finally get a response!

I have to say I quite like the theory in the post, since it makes sense on a more animalistic and raw way.

It is erotic, or at least I also find it that way. And for whatever reason, I sometimes catch myself wishing it were true. But not only was there no research to back it up, it also had that fatal flaw, from an evolutionary standpoint: if there were two distinct roles— breeder vs. nurturer— and these roles were genetically determined, then the nurturer would have been bred out of existence long ago.

If there were two such roles, but they were traits that could not be passed on through heredity, well then maybe...

 

[BillyWalrus]

I hate to bust up the breeder vs nurturer idea but I am a nurturer with seven children and yes, they are biologically mine. Even nurturers want to get some pussy lol!

 

[liqueur]

I hate to bust up the breeder vs nurturer idea

You're not busting anything up. I've already said the theory does not hold water, scientifically.

 

[liqueur]

Also, note:

The title of the thread inquires about possible psychological reasons why some men embrace cuckoldry.

The author of the amusing but bogus theory cited was claiming the reasons were genetic, not psychological.

(Also, for all I know, his writing was tongue in cheek. The website where I saw it is long defunct.)

 

[BillyWalrus]

Also, note:

The title of the thread inquires about possible psychological reasons why some men embrace cuckoldry.

The author of the amusing but bogus theory cited was claiming the reasons were genetic, not psychological.

(Also, for all I know, his writing was tongue in cheek. The website where I saw it is long defunct.)

It is an amusing theory, true.

 

[Darkfantasy20]

Very interesting theory and topic.

As a generalization, I can't help but think this article is correct for most cuckolds.

No doubt there are outliers, but in general it is probably pretty close to the mark.

 

[Britva415]

I'm just not convinced at all that there has to be a psychological basis for anything, here.

Everybody's different, people can be into stuff for no reason.

 

[liqueur]

As a generalization, I can't help but think this article is correct for most cuckolds

Thank you. I read the first few paragraphs. Based on those only: I think what she is saying is a strong element in most cuckold’s willingness and arousal. I think it's simplistic for her to say it's the only factor.

I'll read the piece in full later, and respond more then.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I believe it is based upon honesty on both husband and and wife's part. Hisband knows he is not able function as a man should and wife is honest enough to want to feel sexually satisfied. Husband is greatfil for wife sharing her body and adventures with him and allowing him to be with her.

 

[dingdongditchding]

IDK, Give her freedom and see if she comes back. I did date a person in that place. She was fantastic and it was a great weekend.

 

[subbyclarajane]

I have perhaps a strangely varied perspective.

I’m demisexual. I can’t experience physical intimacy without a deep emotional connection, and a fairly monogamous one at that. I’m also transgender, and I’m in a position (I hope) to have sexual reassignment surgery. My girlfriend, easily the love of my life, was formerly bisexual meaning she’s gay as hell for the ladies. But she does greatly enjoy phallic penetration.

While the cuckold fantasy is not something I think I could handle IRL without getting physically ill and breaking down into a sobbing mess, I do think there could be a future in which she wants biological penetration, and I can’t deliver it. Furthermore, I have been with increasing frequency fantasizing about men. I’ve posted before that she would support watching a man fuck me. And she would enjoy it. And so, I’ve been fantasizing about her watching me with a man… and then, I started fantasizing about that man fucking her, or a different man fucking her while im being fucked.

There are several stand out emotions, besides my horror.

We both seem to be turned on to see our lovers receive something we can’t offer.

We both seem to find high degrees of pleasure in each other’s pleasure.

I, perhaps separately from her, feel like I have to perform always. To ensure she gets off. But if someone else can do it, then I’m free to get off and focus on myself (which I can’t even manage to do when she’s going down on me or riding me or trying her best to get me off).

Not sure this adds to the thread, but maybe?

 

[liqueur]

It does, and thank you very much for posting.

 

[PallidaMors9]

Very interesting theory and topic.

As a generalization, I can't help but think this article is correct for most cuckolds.

No doubt there are outliers, but in general it is probably pretty close to the mark.

That story described almost exactly how it went for me.

 

[dodgeboy2]

I have perhaps a strangely varied perspective.

I’m demisexual. I can’t experience physical intimacy without a deep emotional connection, and a fairly monogamous one at that. I’m also transgender, and I’m in a position (I hope) to have sexual reassignment surgery. My girlfriend, easily the love of my life, was formerly bisexual meaning she’s gay as hell for the ladies. But she does greatly enjoy phallic penetration.

While the cuckold fantasy is not something I think I could handle IRL without getting physically ill and breaking down into a sobbing mess, I do think there could be a future in which she wants biological penetration, and I can’t deliver it. Furthermore, I have been with increasing frequency fantasizing about men. I’ve posted before that she would support watching a man fuck me. And she would enjoy it. And so, I’ve been fantasizing about her watching me with a man… and then, I started fantasizing about that man fucking her, or a different man fucking her while im being fucked.

There are several stand out emotions, besides my horror.

We both seem to be turned on to see our lovers receive something we can’t offer.

We both seem to find high degrees of pleasure in each other’s pleasure.

I, perhaps separately from her, feel like I have to perform always. To ensure she gets off. But if someone else can do it, then I’m free to get off and focus on myself (which I can’t even manage to do when she’s going down on me or riding me or trying her best to get me off).

Not sure this adds to the thread, but maybe?

I think what you describe does in fact fit in here well, the fact that you feel the need to preform but the inability to focus on yourself to get off while she preforms on you as well as the would like to watch, well that is what I would think is a fairly accurate meaning.

 

[TallOne]

This is an excellent book that dives into the history, psychology, and some interviews with people in the lifestyle. Covers a multitude of reasons people are into it and how it has related to controlling female sexuality throughout history.
https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316/

 

[liqueur]

Thank you. I'm going to have a look at this. Reviews are mixed, but I may be about to get it from an online library.

 

[FlirtyWordy]

My mother began sharing her deeply negative ideas about males and male sexuality before I had any idea what sex was.

As a result, I reached puberty with the belief that a) men/boys “inflict” themselves on poor, innocent girls and women and b) women hate sex and only “put up with it” because they must.

I’ve done lots of work in that childhood conditioning, but vestiges remain deep down.

The biggest turn on about cuckolding (or just having a wife who fucks other men, whatever that looks like) is that it’s living “proof” that she loves sex, she’s insatiable, she revels in her pleasure. That is in full rebellion to what my mother ingrained in me.

Number two reason for me is that I’m bisexual. I hid this and ran away from it for most of my life, but now am out. When she fucks other men, I’m physically or psychologically “adjacent” to cock, which I love.

Also, probably in reaction to my mother and church, I LOVE busting taboos. It’s a big “fuck you” to them all.

And I like being a fit, masc man with a big cock who OWNS all the forgoing.

 

[FlirtyWordy]

This is an excellent book that dives into the history, psychology, and some interviews with people in the lifestyle. Covers a multitude of reasons people are into it and how it has related to controlling female sexuality throughout history.
https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316/

It’s an excellent, groundbreaking book, the Bible of cuck/Hotwife etc.

 

[Coconutty70]

I think that it’s important to make the distinction between cuckolding and cheating. With cuckolding, everyone is on-board and there is permission. Cheating is non-consensual and can really, really, really hurt because it breaks the contract of the relationship.

Cheating might be the trigger for starting a cuckolding relationship, because instead of feeling betrayed, the man feels aroused or gains pleasure and this discovery can be a bonding experience, rather than one which tears things apart. This is a trigger for rewriting the ‘contract’ so that everyone feels satisfied and trusted. So trust is a good psychological reason. Emotional Safety is another.

Additionally, people who act on their fantasies generally report being more satisfied and happier in their relationships… getting in touch with them and sharing them with your partner mutually is a bonding experience. This is a further psychological factor… bonding is imprortant.

Cuckolding rather than cheating is a removal of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt tend to create destructive cycles of behaviour as we continue to not get what we want, so it’s self perpetuating. Another psychological reason. The avoidance or satisfactory removal of Shame. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. You know what i mean.

That’s my 2c

 

[TallOne]

I think that it’s important to make the distinction between cuckolding and cheating. With cuckolding, everyone is on-board and there is permission. Cheating is non-consensual and can really, really, really hurt because it breaks the contract of the relationship.

Cheating might be the trigger for starting a cuckolding relationship, because instead of feeling betrayed, the man feels aroused or gains pleasure and this discovery can be a bonding experience, rather than one which tears things apart. This is a trigger for rewriting the ‘contract’ so that everyone feels satisfied and trusted. So trust is a good psychological reason. Emotional Safety is another.

Additionally, people who act on their fantasies generally report being more satisfied and happier in their relationships… getting in touch with them and sharing them with your partner mutually is a bonding experience. This is a further psychological factor… bonding is imprortant.

Cuckolding rather than cheating is a removal of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt tend to create destructive cycles of behaviour as we continue to not get what we want, so it’s self perpetuating. Another psychological reason. The avoidance or satisfactory removal of Shame. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. You know what i mean.

That’s my 2c

Yeah, too much tries to get stuffed in one term. Historically it did refer more to cheating. Technically, even a husband in a full swap swinging relationship is a cuckold. Porn has leaned in on associating it with degradation, physical inadequacy, etc.

Wittol was the word used for a consenting cuckold. But has fallen out of use.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/wittol

 

[leftwantingmore]

I think that it’s important to make the distinction between cuckolding and cheating. With cuckolding, everyone is on-board and there is permission. Cheating is non-consensual and can really, really, really hurt because it breaks the contract of the relationship.

Cheating might be the trigger for starting a cuckolding relationship, because instead of feeling betrayed, the man feels aroused or gains pleasure and this discovery can be a bonding experience, rather than one which tears things apart. This is a trigger for rewriting the ‘contract’ so that everyone feels satisfied and trusted. So trust is a good psychological reason. Emotional Safety is another.

Additionally, people who act on their fantasies generally report being more satisfied and happier in their relationships… getting in touch with them and sharing them with your partner mutually is a bonding experience. This is a further psychological factor… bonding is imprortant.

Cuckolding rather than cheating is a removal of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt tend to create destructive cycles of behaviour as we continue to not get what we want, so it’s self perpetuating. Another psychological reason. The avoidance or satisfactory removal of Shame. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. You know what i mean.

That’s my 2c

Well said. There is also the humiliation factor. Humiliation can really hurt if not wanted or forced. In my mind it only works when there is understanding and agreement between all involved. Can there be cuckolding without humiliation?

 

[Davidwa1]

I honestly do think there is a basis in psychology when it comes to cuckolding. For me, it began when I was like 19. Nothing happened, but the idea and excitement of it was the most erotic turn on I had ever experienced. I had a 2 bed apt, and invited a female friend to stay, hoping something would happen but looking back there was literally no chance for that. She saw me as a friend, nothing more. But after a while she would bring guys over and I would hear them fucking. It was the first time I had felt that way, but definitely not the last.

It was decades before it happened for real, and even now it has only been 5 times, but it is something that never went away, infact, the desire only got more intense as I got older. But looking back, I can see that was the first time I truly felt like myself, I was just too embarrassed to admit that for a very long time.

 

[liqueur]

For me, it began when I was like 19. Nothing happened, but the idea and excitement of it was the most erotic turn on I had ever experienced.

Thanks for posting.

I had my beginnings when I was in high school. No time to write about that now, but I'll try to come back to this.