Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

 

[gabriela_2003]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

Why did the volcano get a date?
Because it was lava-ble!

 

[mugsgame]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

[Britva415]

Why did the volcano get a date?

Because there aren't enough bears to go around!

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde walks into a sex shop and asks for a dildo

"They are on the wall behind you, pick one and I'll fetch it for you" said the cashier

"Hmmm... I want the red one!"

"Ma'am... that's a fire extinguisher."

 

[gabriela_2003]

Why did the desperate guy bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the chances of getting a date were way up there.

 

[sn4ke11]

Found a lion in my wardrobe the other day, asked him what he was doing,
He said with a huff
Narnia Business..

 

[mugsgame]

If you want to get a man's attention, talk about tits.

If you want to get a woman's attention, talk about another woman's tits.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!"

"You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."

"Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"

 

[mugsgame]

If you're from Minnesota, you may know this one. Ole and Lena are a Minnesota-Swedish couple who've already had ten kids. And though they're not ready to slow down yet, by any means, their oldest children have reached an age such that the couple feel they need to use code words when speaking of sex.

Well, their code for the coital act itself is 'washing clothes'. So one night, as they're getting into bed and Ole, who's feeling a bit frisky, says, "Hey Lena, you want to wash clothes?"

She replies, "Oh Ole, honey, I'm sorry, but I've got a terrible headache. Tell you what, I'll take a couple aspirin. Check with me again in an hour, maybe I'll feel better."

An hour later, Ole rolls over, snuggling her from behind, and whispers, "Hey pretty Lena, you want to wash clothes now?"

"Oh, my lovely man, I'm so sorry. My headache's gone away, but I'm just so tired. Maybe we could try in the morning?" She replies with a yawn.

Well, the next morning, now Lena is feeling a bit frisky, so she rolls over and whispers seductively in his ear, "Hey Ole, you want to wash clothes now?"

"Oh, that's okay Lena. It was a small load, I did it by hand."

 

[mugsgame]

Ole and Lena were just married and driving to their honeymoon suite in Minneapolis. Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee, and slid it up to her thigh.

Lena giggled and said “Ole, we’re married now— you can go a bit further if you want.”

So they drove all the way to Duluth.

 

[mugsgame]

Ole and Lena had finally gotten married and the wedding was a big party and lots of beer and Aquavit was flowing.

Lena finally says, "Ole, I'm going up to bed now. " but Ole keeps on partying and drinking.

His friends warn him, "You'd better stop drinking, you'll be too drunk for Lena." But he keeps going anyway.

Finally, he decided to head up after Lena. He opens the door and sees Lena going at it with his best man Sven. He starts Laughing hysterically, and the other guests rush up to see what the commotion is.

Ole says, "You think I'M drunk, look at Sven; he's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

 

[mugsgame]

At a church over in Ishpeming, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the pastor asked Toivo; who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all those years.

Toivo replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat Leena real nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Finland for our 25th anniversary!"

The pastor responded, "Toivo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Toivo proudly replied, "I'm gonna go pick her up."

 

[Shady_nz]

A married couple is cruising down the highway at 40 mph.
The husbands behind the wheel, calm and focused.
Out of nowhere, the wife says, “After 20 years, I want a divorce.”
He doesn’t flinch - just nudges the speed up to 45mph.
She continues, “And don’t try to stop me. I’ve been seeing your best friend… and let’s just say he knows what he’s doing.”
The speed creeps to 55mph.
“I want the house,” she demands.
60mph.
“I’m taking the car, too.”
65mph.
“Oh, and I’m draining the bank accounts and taking the boat!”
The car slowly drifts toward the concrete side barrier…
Panicked now, she blurts out, “Don’t you want anything?!”
The husband finally speaks:
“Nope… I’ve got everything I need.”
She scoffs, “Oh, really? And what’s that?”
He grins, eyes still on the road -
“I’ve got the airbag.”

 

[mugsgame]

Three blonde women are walking down the street.

As they walk past the bar, a man stumbles out. He staggers, stops, turns, squares his shoulders, walks straight away from them for about 15 paces, begins to veer to the side, bounces off the building, then careens over the curb and slams face down into the gutter.

The women sigh, and walk over to check on him. He doesn't move as they approach.

When they roll him over, they discover that his face is so obscured by mud, sewage, and other detritus that he is completely unidentifiable. He's also sound asleep. (They try slapping him. Just to be sure.)

Satisfied that he is at least, still alive, the women wonder about who he might be for a moment - but with his face covered in (literal and figurative) shit, they can't tell. Finally, one of the women has an idea: she undoes his trousers and yanks them down.

All three women consider his equipment.

Finally one of the women shrugs. "Well. He's not my husband, anyways."

The second woman screws up her face, reaches down and with one finger, flips his pecker over. "Hmmm," she says. "You're right. He's not your husband."

The third woman looks a bit longer, making various thinking noises as she shifts the mysterious member this way and that. "You know what," she finally spines, "I don't think he's even from our town!"

 

[mugsgame]

How is religion like a penis?

It's cool if you have one

It's cool if you don't

What's not cool is forcing it down other people's throats

 

[mugsgame]

A man and woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

A waitress notices the man slowly sliding down his chair until he disappears under the table. The woman, however, looks completely unconcerned!

Concerned, the waitress whispers to her, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband may be having a medical episode, just slid under the table!”

The woman calmly replies, “No, actually… my husband has just walked in the front door!”

 

[mugsgame]

A man came home and found his wife in bed with one of his best friends, so he dragged the man outside and beat the snot out of him.

When he got back his wife said, "Carry on like that and you won't have any friends left."