how to get a girlfriend or have sex with a woman if you're a young man who thinks he can't do it

[big_cane_sugar]

In case the title doesn't make it clear, this thread is about advice for straight guys who think they can't get laid or get a girlfriend.

Bona fides: Until my mid-20s I struggled even to get a date or kiss a girl. In retrospect, it wasn't because anything was wrong with me from the POV of the women. It was because I misunderstood so much stuff about life. We didn't have the concept of "incel" back then and I never got so pessimistic that I would've identified as one, but I can definitely understand that loneliness and sadness. When I figured a few things out, however, things really turned around for me. For about two years I went so far to the other extreme that I'm not 100% proud of everything I did in that time. But I managed to grow through that too and now I'm so happily married that if I described it a lot of people wouldn't believe me. Nearly everyone who knows us wonders how I snagged this woman, but no one wonders how she snagged me.

Here's an outline of what I plan to put here:

1. Basic overall life advice for a straight guy. This might be the most important part. Taking responsibility for yourself: don't waste a bunch of time feeling sorry for yourself, blaming the injustices of the world, and so on. Instead, get to work. Find ways to enjoy life and being your best self even if nobody ever wants to have sex with you, because actually doing those things is one of the best ways to make yourself more attractive - includes stuff like get your personal hygiene situation right, be ambitious about your future, have goals, don't let your struggles define who you are, do stuff you feel proud of etc

2. A guide to heterosexual women. Understanding that they're diverse, at different places in their lives, etc, so you can't use any formulaic techniques. But especially: they don't actually hate men. Most single heterosexual women would really like to meet a decent man. But you might have to be more realistic about who you are and learn to appreciate the women who are willing to give you a chance.

3. Saying hello to an attractive woman. Including stuff like stand up straight, make eye contact, smile - what to say, how to respond if she seems uninterested, if she seems somewhat interested, if she seems very interested ... basic advice about small talk, flirting, being appropriate, asking for a date or contact information, not seeming creepy or super insecure.

4. What if you like someone you already know? Also, the "friend zone."

5. Rejection. Also how to guess whether she might welcome a little persistence, and if so, how to be persistent in a way that might be welcomed.

6. First date. How to go for the first kiss.

7. Getting to sex and love.

The Art of Getting Laid is a thread you want to check out. This post will eventually be little more than an organized summary of what you can find there plus what people are saying below.

 

[AG31]

If you find yourself attracted to the idea of AI girlfriends, reflect on the fact that there is no "other" there. It may be a clue to what's going on when you're with a real person. To establish a relationship, you need to be curious about what's inside the other person.

 

[AG31]

For many (most?) women, there's nothing so attractive about a man as being understood. Hone your skills by doing this once each day. Identify a person, not a woman you're interested in, either by watching or listening to them, try to figure out what they think or how they feel about something. No need to interact. Just pay attention.

 

[Britva415]

My two pieces of advice both have to do with not being afraid to risk rejection.

Number one is: DO NOT fall for certain discouraging online comments you'll see anyplace where anyone is talking about relationships, getting-to-know someone, introducing yourself to someone, flirting, showing that you are interested, any of that stuff.

All of those topics get guys piling into the comments saying "you can't do any of this anymore in 2025 because you'll go to JAIL" or get canceled or #metoo'd or fired.

Those are lies - UNLESS you believe that all of the people who are saying it are actually doing criminally harassing shit and just telling on themselves.

Rejection is a risk, of course, but, rejection isn't any of the above.

You know the expression "guys keep guys single?" It's shit like this.

There are two reasons guys say this. Maybe three.

Either:

1. They don't know but they believed it when other guys said it,
   or
2. It's easier to say they fear this than to be honest and say "I fear rejection,"
   or (least likely)
3. They only know how to be actual criminal harassers and don't know how or aren't interested in being a gentleman.

And by "gentleman" I just mean, being appropriate, thoughtful and empathetic. That doesn't necessarily mean being so nice that you're boring. You can still be charming, flirtatious, exciting, interesting, provocative, sexy, uninhibited, confident, daring, attractive while being a gentleman.

So if "tHeY'll CaLL TeH cOpS oN YoU" is something you've heard, or you hear it all the time, don't believe it. I'm obviously not saying "go be a creepy predator," I'm just saying have the confidence that your own good faith and good intentions will not be twisted into life-changing negative consequences.

 

[Britva415]

That's number one. Number two is just:
You have to be willing to risk rejection.

I'm not saying "don't be afraid." It is a risk. Your introductions, flirts, attempts at small talk, attempts at eye contact, attempts at getting noticed are not all going to succeed.

But if you don't EVER try, then you won't ever have a success.

You have to be courageous enough to take the chances. Courage isn't not having the fear, courage is trying it anyway even if it's scary.

It gets easier with practice.

Regarding rejection, once in a while a woman is going to be unpleasant about it. That's a her problem, not a you problem, as long as you aren't really being a dick. Most of the time, she'll just be polite about letting you know IF she isn't interested. Some of the time, she will be!

Maybe you'll even get called a "creep." Which is an awful thing to hear if you aren't really being a creep. Have confidence in your own conscience. If you can sleep at night knowing that you weren't being inappropriate or being a dick or being predatory, then getting called a creep by someone who's overreacting or having a bad day or is just tired of getting approached is an insult which you can allow to just roll off your back. Just because she made it personal doesn't necessarily mean it actually is about you. People have fucked-up moods, sometimes, and people just are rude sometimes. Let it go, as long as your conscience is clear.

Or, just learn from it. Maybe you will recognize you said something wrong, you were too pushy, you behaved selfishly or insensitively. We all make mistakes. Just learn from it and do better from then on. You still need to let it go, instead of internalizing the message "she called me a creep and, dammit, I really am, or at least everyone everywhere ever is always going to think so." Don't get stuck there.

You can and will meet people who will reciprocate your attention and interest. You can do this over and over. Don't be stuck thinking you can't do it. Try it. Practice it. Do it enough that you can see yourself getting better at it. And just enjoy the process!

 

[Britva415]

enjoy the process!

By the way, @big_cane_sugar , that link is to a thread in the Personals section of Lit which covers a lot of the same ground you wanted to tread, here.

Coincidentally, it was started just a few days ago. And is apparently a subject of interest because the replies are up to 13 pages already.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

That's all great stuff, Britva415. I'll definitely add it to the OP when I have time. And thank you very much for reminding me of that thread. I'd seen it actually and forgotten about it, but must have remembered at some level of my consciousness because I thought it's such a good idea!

I'll add a bunch of links to the OP, including that one.