⚖️ Law Office of Chaos & Spite💄

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

I highly recommend. Settling outside of court. You cannot afford me if this goes to trial!

Dear Shanks,

I’ve reviewed your colorful counterclaim and while I commend your creative liberties with the truth, the court cannot rule based on delusion, dramatics, or dairy dominion declarations. Therefore, my response is as follows:

1. Cheese Ownership Is Not Hereditary
Your claim that "all cheese belongs to me" lacks any legal precedent, moral standing. At best, you’re operating a rogue fondue cartel and we both know it.

2. Egg Crack Denial & Shanking Admission
Thank you for confirming you are, in fact, armed and stabby. While the plaintiff may have confused your shanking with culinary prep, the wound remains—left cheek, deep puncture, high trauma. The Iron Throne defense holds no weight unless you can provide travel receipts, throne permission slips, and a clean tetanus record.

3. "He Was the One Cooking" Defense
The kitchen role is irrelevant when the defense literally admits to being the stabber. We’re prosecuting a butt puncture, not a botched soufflé.

Updated Stipulations (Revised & Ratified):

1. Cheese Custody:
You may retain the full wheel, rind to core. No further legal claim will be pursued regarding the confiscated cheese, cheddar, brie, or otherwise pungent dairy.

2. Shanking Schedule (Limited):
Due to a deeply misguided attachment to chaos, and after rigorous negotiation, we concede to limited shanking privileges—Wednesdays and Fridays only, under the following restrictions:

No ass cheek repetition.

No dual-wielding.

3. Cracker Addendum (With Compliment Clause):
The Plaintiff will gracefully accept the dry cracker diet—no beverage, no spread—on the condition that the Defendant offers one (1) sincere compliment, in writing.

Compliments may include the words "technically," "for you," or "fine, whatever."

4. Binding Pinky Promise:
The Defendant shall submit a signed pinky promise stating they will not stab the previously injured cheek again under any circumstances.

I reject all of the above and shall shank him mightily and feed him to the gators.

Um, I mean if his corpse shows up, it wasn't me!!!

 

[lilmissdarling]

the only pinky she is getting is the one I slip in her but during the spanking for the shanking!!

Making threats publicly is never a good idea.

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

@SalaciousMonkey22
And fellow Litsers. Please use the form below as needed.

NOTICE OF BOUNDARY ENFORCEMENT
RE: Prematurely Thirsty Commentary Violation

To Whom It Clearly Concerns,

This correspondence is issued on behalf of [INSERT NAME], who would very much like to enjoy their online presence without being catapulted into unsolicited thirst traps every time they post a photo.

While we understand that beauty can be... disorienting, effective immediately, you are asked to pause all sexually suggestive or self-love-related commentary unless you meet the following minimum eligibility standards:

1. Post Count: At least 100 posts under your belt. If you're new here, get cozy and contribute first.

2. Reputation Ratio: A 1:1 positive reaction-to-post score. If you can’t win the crowd, you don’t get backstage access.

3. Social Foreplay: A minimum of five (5) friendly, non-horny interactions with [INSERT NAME]. Yes, that means talk to them like a person first—wild, I know.


Failure to meet these criteria will result in your comments being mentally filed under “bold but irrelevant.”

This isn’t a rejection—it’s a redirection. You’re not being shut down, just asked to show up with more than a pulse and a keyboard.

Thank you for your anticipated compliance, charm, and discretion.

Warmest (but not that warm) regards,

LilMiss
Head of Litigation & Passive Aggression
Law Office of Chaos & Spite
1-800- PETTY-4U

This is beyond perfect. I love it!

 

[lilmissdarling]

*googles*
Can I drop a client and work for the opposing side?

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

Making threats publicly is never a good idea.

Damn I didn't realize thats what you meant by gag order... I thought you were just being kinky and wanted to try out your new ball gag...

 

[Mrtenant]

@SalaciousMonkey22
And fellow Litsers. Please use the form below as needed.

NOTICE OF BOUNDARY ENFORCEMENT
RE: Prematurely Thirsty Commentary Violation

To Whom It Clearly Concerns,

This correspondence is issued on behalf of [INSERT NAME], who would very much like to enjoy their online presence without being catapulted into unsolicited thirst traps every time they post a photo.

While we understand that beauty can be... disorienting, effective immediately, you are asked to pause all sexually suggestive or self-love-related commentary unless you meet the following minimum eligibility standards:

1. Post Count: At least 100 posts under your belt. If you're new here, get cozy and contribute first.

2. Reputation Ratio: A 1:1 positive reaction-to-post score. If you can’t win the crowd, you don’t get backstage access.

3. Social Foreplay: A minimum of five (5) friendly, non-horny interactions with [INSERT NAME]. Yes, that means talk to them like a person first—wild, I know.


Failure to meet these criteria will result in your comments being mentally filed under “bold but irrelevant.”

This isn’t a rejection—it’s a redirection. You’re not being shut down, just asked to show up with more than a pulse and a keyboard.

Thank you for your anticipated compliance, charm, and discretion.

Warmest (but not that warm) regards,

LilMiss
Head of Litigation & Passive Aggression
Law Office of Chaos & Spite
1-800- PETTY-4U

So you want us to hand this ^^^ out instead of just encouraging newbs to display their starfish as often as possible for attention and comraderie?

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

@SalaciousMonkey22
And fellow Litsers. Please use the form below as needed.

NOTICE OF BOUNDARY ENFORCEMENT
RE: Prematurely Thirsty Commentary Violation

To Whom It Clearly Concerns,

This correspondence is issued on behalf of [INSERT NAME], who would very much like to enjoy their online presence without being catapulted into unsolicited thirst traps every time they post a photo.

While we understand that beauty can be... disorienting, effective immediately, you are asked to pause all sexually suggestive or self-love-related commentary unless you meet the following minimum eligibility standards:

1. Post Count: At least 100 posts under your belt. If you're new here, get cozy and contribute first.

2. Reputation Ratio: A 1:1 positive reaction-to-post score. If you can’t win the crowd, you don’t get backstage access.

3. Social Foreplay: A minimum of five (5) friendly, non-horny interactions with [INSERT NAME]. Yes, that means talk to them like a person first—wild, I know.


Failure to meet these criteria will result in your comments being mentally filed under “bold but irrelevant.”

This isn’t a rejection—it’s a redirection. You’re not being shut down, just asked to show up with more than a pulse and a keyboard.

Thank you for your anticipated compliance, charm, and discretion.

Warmest (but not that warm) regards,

LilMiss
Head of Litigation & Passive Aggression
Law Office of Chaos & Spite
1-800- PETTY-4U

 

[lilmissdarling]

So you want us to hand this ^^^ out instead of just encouraging newbs to display their starfish as often as possible for attention and comraderie?

That entirely depends on whether you want to see their starfish.

 

[Mrtenant]

That entirely depends on whether you want to see their starfish.

Lol, I wouldnt ask otherwise!

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

Hello @lilmissdarling

Your initial work has been better than I could have imagined. I have another request. I’m unclear what the legal term for it is, discovery? Disclosure? Pay or quit?, but whatever, I’d like another boiler plate request for people who make egregiously passive aggressive vague posts to either reveal their sources or quit annoying everyone (me) with it.

Please and thank you.