Senior Year (By SDaddy666) - Feedback and discussion

[SDaddy666]

Hello everyone,

Here's a thread in case people would like to share and discuss feedback about my first story.
Senior Year Chapter 1

It's a series with multiple chapters. The series itself is still pending moderation, I'll update the link once I have it.

I've created this thread because I'm interested in constructive criticism, like text construction (I'm not a native speaker), pacing, potential plot holes I might have missed, etc.

Also my story relies on the POV of the narrator only, so readers might have some questions about stuff hows and whys.
While my protagonist ignores some of the details, and I think it adds to the thrill when you don't know everything. Those details have been thought over and I can answer those questions if you have any.

 

[SDaddy666]

Hello again, chapter two is up. And although the whole 5 chapters are almost done already, i'd appreciate your feedback, for the next ones, you know.
Also feel free to ask anything about the characters or the plot.

 

[Silas_Noct]

Keep in mind I have only read chapter 1 so far.

You have a real knack for world-building and connecting characters through relationships. I found myself forgetting this was erotica at times and reading it like a coming-of-age high school movie. And I mean that in a good way. I think it's a good sign when a reader is eager to learn more about why the characters in the story are friends with each other. Also, you do a good job of seeding the erotic plot subtly by introducing the counselor character almost as an afterthought, albeit an unsettling one, of the main character Julian.

For constructive criticism I'll focus on two specific parts.

1) Elsa says "Please... I can't get fired..." when the new counselor finds her smoking. It may be a language mistranslation, but in the context of her being a high school student, I think you mean "suspended" (temporarily removed from school as punishment) instead of "fired" (which usually refers to employment).

2) After Julian realizes Elsa is naked under her shirt, you write "I painfully swallowed my saliva, like a rubber ball struggling to pass the top button of my shirt that was too tight for my already skinny neck, then down to my stomach like a bowling ball ravaging my guts like they were bowling pins."
You make clear here the anxious arousal that Julian is feeling, but I think the metaphor is a bit overwritten and could benefit from some tightening. Something like "I gulped back a yearning so deep that it dripped down my throat like acid, burning my guts with desire." Keep it simple and focus on how the physical sensation connects to his emotions.

I hope my advice is helpful. Keep up your writing! I can tell you have a way with words.

 

[SDaddy666]

Keep in mind I have only read chapter 1 so far.

You have a real knack for world-building and connecting characters through relationships. I found myself forgetting this was erotica at times and reading it like a coming-of-age high school movie. And I mean that in a good way. I think it's a good sign when a reader is eager to learn more about why the characters in the story are friends with each other. Also, you do a good job of seeding the erotic plot subtly by introducing the counselor character almost as an afterthought, albeit an unsettling one, of the main character Julian.

For constructive criticism I'll focus on two specific parts.

1) Elsa says "Please... I can't get fired..." when the new counselor finds her smoking. It may be a language mistranslation, but in the context of her being a high school student, I think you mean "suspended" (temporarily removed from school as punishment) instead of "fired" (which usually refers to employment).

2) After Julian realizes Elsa is naked under her shirt, you write "I painfully swallowed my saliva, like a rubber ball struggling to pass the top button of my shirt that was too tight for my already skinny neck, then down to my stomach like a bowling ball ravaging my guts like they were bowling pins."
You make clear here the anxious arousal that Julian is feeling, but I think the metaphor is a bit overwritten and could benefit from some tightening. Something like "I gulped back a yearning so deep that it dripped down my throat like acid, burning my guts with desire." Keep it simple and focus on how the physical sensation connects to his emotions.

I hope my advice is helpful. Keep up your writing! I can tell you have a way with words.

Thanks a lot, will try to do better in the next series