How to make my wife orgasm?

[EternityGhost14]

Recently, as in like 3 months ago, my wife let me in on the devastating news that she has been faking her orgasms with me for the entirety of our marriage. I was heartbroken by this, as I thought we had something good going.

To make matters worse, I probed into her past and she admitted that her previous partner didn’t have any issues “getting her there.” I’ve tried so hard to get to articulate the why here, but she basically refuses to elaborate and only shuts down when the topic is presented.

I’ve tried a lot of things, oral, etc, but she tends to prefer penetration which from what I understand is unusual. I also know she watches porn, I’ve seen her history before (she either doesnt try to hide it or she’s bad at it.)

Has anyone been in a similar scenario? For additional information, we are both mid 30s and have been married for about ten years.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

I think if the women here are honest some struggle to orgasm also.
The worst part of that breakdown news from your wife is she has been fakibg and doesn't want to discuss it.
I am sorry but you have probably not heard all the bad news yet.
I would start to get your own personal life in order before something worse comes about.
See if she will do marriage counseling individually and then together.
There are many reasons why and it can be from emotional to physical.
For you I would read, watch and learn all you can if not for her for yourself

 

[EternityGhost14]

I think if the women here are honest some struggle to orgasm also.
The worst part of that breakdown news from your wife is she has been fakibg and doesn't want to discuss it.
I am sorry but you have probably not heard all the bad news yet.
I would start to get your own personal life in order before something worse comes about.
See if she will do marriage counseling individually and then together.
There are many reasons why and it can be from emotional to physical.
For you I would read, watch and learn all you can if not for her for yourself

Thanks for your response on this. I think it’s the fact that she’s capable, and has a libido, that makes it harder on me. If she was just asexual or something, coping would be easier.

I’ll deep dive as much as possible!

 

[SweetDee33]

Good for you for caring about her pleasure and trying to work on it! That's half the battle.

 

[EternityGhost14]

Good for you for caring about her pleasure and trying to work on it! That's half the battle.

That’s all it’s about for me, and part of why it was so hard to hear

 

[Wonderer67]

That’s all it’s about for me, and part of why it was so hard to hear

Makes total sense.

Just be gentle with yourself (and her) about putting pressure on achieving orgasm and her. Sex can be pleasurable even without orgasm (for men and women).

Good communication is essential.

 

[Shanes_OralOrations]

I think considering both the physical and mental side of her pleasure would be a good start.
If you can see her porn history that's insight into what turns her on- watch it and see if you can find patterns to what she likes and a way to adjust your own sex lives to match.

Physically maybe try something new. Toys together? Long foreplay with a lot of oral and fingering for her before penetration? A cock sleeve so you last longer and she gets more penetration? If she'll watch porn with her you can cuddle and finger her while you watch together.

I think overall letting her know you prefer honesty to faking it, that you're willing to try new things for her, but not making any single experience too stressful so she's not feeling the pressure to cum, as that would likely make it harder.

Keep in mind if there's been a change over time there can also be some medical reasons.

Good luck!

 

[firefox27eros]

Recently, as in like 3 months ago, my wife let me in on the devastating news that she has been faking her orgasms with me for the entirety of our marriage.

I am sorry to hear but I don't really see her any reasons to hide this important thing from you.
If she didn't want to solve this problem for a decade with you what other fake things and lies can be in her backpack?
What was the moment, what did it trigger her coming out?
What did happen around her coming out?

I was heartbroken by this, as I thought we had something good going.

I have no doubt...
Does she respect you?
Did she say why wasn't a problem for her for a decade and what or who did change her?
Do you trust in her?
If your trust in her has not gone maybe the shit hasn't hit the fan yet.
If your trust has gone don't waste your time and money on marriage counseling.
If she doesn't communicate with you properly when you want to fix the problem that is not a marriage anymore and your replacement already does your husband's duties for her satisfaction.

To make matters worse, I probed into her past and she admitted that her previous partner didn’t have any issues “getting her there.” I’ve tried so hard to get to articulate the why here, but she basically refuses to elaborate and only shuts down when the topic is presented.

There is no love, respect so there is no common future...

I’ve tried a lot of things, oral, etc, but she tends to prefer penetration which from what I understand is unusual. I also know she watches porn, I’ve seen her history before (she either doesnt try to hide it or she’s bad at it.)

What does she watch?
How does she like it?
What men/women type does she watch on those videos?

There are many questions but as above mentioned it is better to prepare for your personal life and protect your values!

 

[EternityGhost14]

I think considering both the physical and mental side of her pleasure would be a good start.
If you can see her porn history that's insight into what turns her on- watch it and see if you can find patterns to what she likes and a way to adjust your own sex lives to match.

Physically maybe try something new. Toys together? Long foreplay with a lot of oral and fingering for her before penetration? A cock sleeve so you last longer and she gets more penetration? If she'll watch porn with her you can cuddle and finger her while you watch together.

I think overall letting her know you prefer honesty to faking it, that you're willing to try new things for her, but not making any single experience too stressful so she's not feeling the pressure to cum, as that would likely make it harder.

Keep in mind if there's been a change over time there can also be some medical reasons.

Good luck!

A lot of the porn she likes is on the rougher/domination side which to be honest, is very hard for me to replicate. It’s not exactly my nature. But, I can try and ask about how to maybe incorporate some of it.

The sleeve has crossed my mind for sure. Stamina and size are both issues for me.

 

[hiker283]

What you do to her clit during intercourse is very important. Just holding inside her and pressing your pelvis against her clit so she can rock her hips to rub you works for us. So, a mixture of in and out and in and hold.

 

[LoneMilf]

A lot of the porn she likes is on the rougher/domination side which to be honest, is very hard for me to replicate. It’s not exactly my nature. But, I can try and ask about how to maybe incorporate some of it.

The sleeve has crossed my mind for sure. Stamina and size are both issues for me.

While I generally think that communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, sex isn't always something that gets better from talking about it. If you press your wife for details or instructions on what to do, she might not be able or willing to answer. If she will still let you experiment, you might be better off simply trying to do different things and pay very close attention to how she reacts to them.

I get that it must be heartbreaking to hear that she has been faking her orgasms for so long, but at least she was motivated to tell you. That means she most likely wants a change - and that you still have a chance to be part of that.

 

[AverageGuy86]

What you do to her clit during intercourse is very important. Just holding inside her and pressing your pelvis against her clit so she can rock her hips to rub you works for us. So, a mixture of in and out and in and hold.

This. Cowgirl is great for this as she can really position herself to grind her clitoris against you. (Plus you know, your hands are free to roam her entire body...)

Pulsing clitoral toys are amazing. Using one of them before you two get into penetration can really speed things up for her. Cock-rong vibrators are nice too for the added stimulation, though I'm still on the hunt for a high-quality one that isn't humongous .

 

[LoneMilf]

This. Cowgirl is great for this as she can really position herself to grind her clitoris against you. (Plus you know, your hands are free to roam her entire body...)

Pulsing clitoral toys are amazing. Using one of them before you two get into penetration can really speed things up for her. Cock-rong vibrators are nice too for the added stimulation, though I'm still on the hunt for a high-quality one that isn't humongous .

I'd second clit vibrators (pulsing or otherwise), but you might want to stay away from vibrating cock rings if you already have issues with lasting..

 

[AverageGuy86]

I'd second clit vibrators (pulsing or otherwise), but you might want to stay away from vibrating cock rings if you already have issues with lasting..

Personally, I've barely ever felt them.

 

[Wonderer67]

I think considering both the physical and mental side of her pleasure would be a good start.
If you can see her porn history that's insight into what turns her on- watch it and see if you can find patterns to what she likes and a way to adjust your own sex lives to match.

Physically maybe try something new. Toys together? Long foreplay with a lot of oral and fingering for her before penetration? A cock sleeve so you last longer and she gets more penetration? If she'll watch porn with her you can cuddle and finger her while you watch together.

I think overall letting her know you prefer honesty to faking it, that you're willing to try new things for her, but not making any single experience too stressful so she's not feeling the pressure to cum, as that would likely make it harder.

Keep in mind if there's been a change over time there can also be some medical reasons.

Good luck!

You bring up a good point. Playing together differently.

My wife and I both enjoy mutual masturbation sessions as much as we enjoy intercourse and other kinds of sexual fun.

Something like a mutual masturbation session might be interesting so you can see how she likes to orgasm and what gets her there…

 

[EternityGhost14]

A lot of people have mentioned clit stimulation etc., which is a totally valid thing to bring up. It’s certainly something I’ve tried and is what worked in past with different partners. She is far more penetration oriented and as far as I’m aware when she masturbates it’s mostly penetrative.

 

[Britva415]

she admitted that her previous partner didn’t have any issues “getting her there.” I’ve tried so hard to get to articulate the why here, but she basically refuses to elaborate and only shuts down when the topic is presented.

I have several questions:

First, why did she tell you this at all? Why doesn't she just keep faking it like she has for however many years? What has changed?

Second, why will she not talk about how the ex got her there? Why will she not talk about how you might get her there?

Third, is this a threat to your relationship together? I'm asking about both sides. From your side: If you can't please your spouse and she won't be transparent and forthcoming about how you can, then, is that the kind of sex you want to be having? Are you willing to continue in a relationship which is this unbalanced, where the sex is this one-sided and not mutual? From her side: Did she tell you this because she's done? Is she looking to rock the boat? Is she looking for a way out? Is she trying to bait you into being the one to cause things to fall apart so that she can say it's your fault?

I mean, I guess that a fourth question is, has she said whether it's "good enough" for her? And if it is (big "if"), is that good enough for you?

This whole thing is very disturbing. If I were in this situation, I would stop having sex with her, because knowing that I don't even understand her experience of it and knowing that it doesn't please her would be one of the most unsexy, unthrilling and unendurable things I can imagine. No-sex would be better than duty sex or pity sex or whatever reason it is that motivates her to do this with you and hide the truth from you the whole time and refuse to elaborate or cooperate with your desire to please her better.

Now that it's no longer hidden, AND she won't participate in improving the situation or even talking about it, that would drive me to stop being interested in sex with such a person. And if I weren't interested in sex with them for these reasons, then I almost certainly wouldn't be interested in abiding in marriage with them. And the sex wouldn't even be the primary threat: This would primarily be because of the stonewalling and unwillingness to communicate. Are we supposed to be partners or not? If they can't act like one, then I question everything.

I'm not talking out my ass - I have been in the situation where the partner wasn't into the sex, and I have been in the situation where the partner would not communicate. Each of those is a relationship killer all by itself. Put them both together, and... I'd seriously be pondering what keeps us together.

So, @EternityGhost14 , what about those questions?
Why did she admit this?
Why won't she talk about it further?
Is this a threat to your relationship together? Would you want to stay if this continues like this? Is she signaling that she's done and angling for an exit, herself?

 

[Britva415]

I’ve tried a lot of things

I asked a lot of questions above but I'll answer yours.

"How to make my wife orgasm?"

Unless she can really let go (and your wife clearly can not), you don't make her orgasm. Except for when she completely surrenders, it's not something you do to a woman, it's something you do with a woman. You don't make her orgasm, you help her orgasm. In this way, it's completely different from how a woman gets a man off.

I can't get into a super detailed explanation of it but imagine your job is to give her something to work with, something for her to get excited about and for her to use what you're giving her to get her own self off, together with your help.

That would be something new to try. Unfortunately, I don't know if it would work with your wife. She is already so resistant to being pleased by you that she might shut down if you try to do something different. She is already so disconnected that she might recoil if you get more intimate and try to enhance the intensity of the sense of personal connection I'm talking about.

Sex between you has been so not-intimate, so fake, for so long that she might push back if you try to disrupt that. I have a very hard time imagining her being willing to, or maybe even capable of, surrender. She does not trust you, for some reason, and probably will not let go and relax into it with you.

What is she afraid of? Fuck if I know, but, everything you wrote sounds like "defense mechanism" to me, and people get pretty damn squirrelly when their defense mechanisms are subverted.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I can only repeat what others have said, the issue goes far beyond you not giving your wife orgasms. In fact, it is doubtful that the problem has anything to do with bedroom activities at all. If she is equally shut down about communication in general, your sex life is the least of your worries.

Maybe counseling will help if she's agreeable. If she is not, then you definitely need to be protecting yourself and preparing for the end of the relationship, because that is where it is headed.

 

[TheNovelist2000]

t she tends to prefer penetration

Okay... from what I've seen so far, everyone seems to be offering you relationship advice here. But what you need is sex advice. Maybe you should counsel with a professional. Don't go straight into psychologists and psychiatrists because you need to rule out organic causes first. Your wife might have a physical problem she'd developed not longer after the two of you eloped. (Could be due to age or something else.) That would explain why she was able to orgasm with her previous partners. If that wasn't the case, I guess you could try dildos or other penetrative sex toys. I am assuming here that you don't have the stamina to keep it going until she comes. Why not let penetrative sex toys take care of the first half before you finish her off? There's also the option of cuckholding to keep the relationship going. (Only if you have that kink, of course.) I don't very much agree with other people talking about preparing for the end of the relationship. I believe there are so many ways to save it.

 

[EternityGhost14]

I can only repeat what others have said, the issue goes far beyond you not giving your wife orgasms. In fact, it is doubtful that the problem has anything to do with bedroom activities at all. If she is equally shut down about communication in general, your sex life is the least of your worries.

Maybe counseling will help if she's agreeable. If she is not, then you definitely need to be protecting yourself and preparing for the end of the relationship, because that is where it is headed.

Very surprised to hear all of the “The relationship may be in trouble” takes. Makes me even more desperate to fix it, though I don’t want to push too much and make her shut down further.

 

[NightL]

Toys/vibrators?
Find a position where you can penetrate her that still allows her easy access to use a vibrator on her clit. Let her control the vibrator but pay attention on how she uses it. As she gets more comfortable using the vibrator during intercourse then occasionally you take over controlling the vibrator. Always ask for her guidance though.

Rather than asking "why" try switching it to asking her how. How she likes to be touched, how she likes the mood to be set. Ask her to guide you. Ask her to define a romantic evening. Setting the mood for sex should start long before the clothes come off. Pamper, prepare, set up the environment, relax into the moment, chill with a glass of wine, tease each other.

Great sex requires communication and it appears there is a barrier between you. Did you ever ask her for guidance?

Rather than focus on you believing you have to be responsible for her orgasm try to aim for her being comfortable bringing on her own orgasm while being intimate together.

Get appointments with a sex therapist. Some medical insurance providers will cover sex therapy sessions, though it will depend on the qualifications of the therapist.

 

[EternityGhost14]

Toys/vibrators?
Find a position where you can penetrate her that still allows her easy access to use a vibrator on her clit. Let her control the vibrator but pay attention on how she uses it. As she gets more comfortable using the vibrator during intercourse then occasionally you take over controlling the vibrator. Always ask for her guidance though.

Rather than asking "why" try switching it to asking her how. How she likes to be touched, how she likes the mood to be set. Ask her to guide you. Ask her to define a romantic evening. Setting the mood for sex should start long before the clothes come off. Pamper, prepare, set up the environment, relax into the moment, chill with a glass of wine, tease each other.

Great sex requires communication and it appears there is a barrier between you. Did you ever ask her for guidance?

Rather than focus on you believing you have to be responsible for her orgasm try to aim for her being comfortable bringing on her own orgasm while being intimate together.

Get appointments with a sex therapist. Some medical insurance providers will cover sex therapy sessions, though it will depend on the qualifications of the therapist.

We have tried, she generally prefers penetration and doesn’t get much from clit stimulation. I guess I could go the dildo route, and try not to be insecure about it lol

 

[Daddydude55]

Not trying to hijack this thread, but I'm curious if your partner who stonewalled/ wouldn't communicate was a dismissive avoidant??

All of those sound like my wife

 

[AverageGuy86]

We have tried, she generally prefers penetration and doesn’t get much from clit stimulation. I guess I could go the dildo route, and try not to be insecure about it lol

The toys aren't your competitor. They're an ally.

Do you all have any toys at all now?