Looking for friendly advice

[justanormaldude87]

Hey all

I don’t post often (forgot my old login, been a while), but I’ve hit a wall and need to vent… or maybe get some perspective.
I’m 34, been with my girlfriend for six years. We’ve always had a solid relationship, good communication, shared values, lots and lots of love. The sex used to be amazing but that all changed about a year ago when we split for the first time. She met someone else because we weren’t fucking. We’re now back together (since December) and the only times we really made love was over the new year, valentines. I can count on one hand. We used to mutual masturbate. That’s gone too.

She’s gained some weight over the last year, nothing too extreme, but enough that she’s clearly self-conscious. And look, I’ve never been the kind of guy who expects a certain “body type.” I still find her attractive. I still want her.

What’s messing with my head even more is that she still flirts. She’ll run her hands over my chest, squeeze my thigh while we’re watching TV, whisper dirty little things now and then, but it never goes anywhere. It’s like being edged by someone who has no intention of letting you finish. I get hard from a touch or a look, and then… nothing.

Meanwhile, she hates the idea of me masturbating and sees it as cheating. Seriously. I’ve tried to explain that it’s just a way to stay sane, especially when we’re not being physical, but she gets upset if she even thinks I’ve done it. I’ve started sneaking around just to get some relief, and I hate that. It feels pathetic.

She knows I come on this site sometimes and I know she thinks I just read stories. I mean of course I do… but not just to “read,” obviously. I’m a guy. I have needs. And I’m tired of feeling ashamed for having them to be honest.

I love her. I don’t want to break up. But I’m at a point where I’m frustrated and honestly I’m fucking miserable. I fantasize constantly, to the point where I’m not even really present during the day. It’s affecting how I see her, how I treat her. I don’t want to resent her, but the longer this goes on, the harder it gets (no pun intended… or maybe a little).

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to leave. But I also can’t live like this indefinitely. Has anyone been through this and come out the other side without torching everything?

I’m all ears. Advice, tough love, anything welcome.

— A Tired, Horny Bloke

 

[Bigcock241789]

Just sit down with her and let her know what's going on and how you have been feeling.

 

[justanormaldude87]

Just sit down with her and let her know what's going on and how you have been feeling.

I have already done so. I’m met with comments such as: “you’re being too pushy” “I’m not feeling it why can’t you understand”

I’m also bad at putting out now, since I’ve had a few performance issues with her in the past I’m a nervous wreck. I sound pathetic right

 

[J64stephenson]

Let her know how you feel. You don't feel connected like a couple and some of the things she is doing are confusing to you. Why rub on me and act all lovey dovey then nothing behind closed doors in the bedroom
Then the guilt trip about masturbating. That's a control then.
Remember it could always be worse

 

[justanormaldude87]

Let her know how you feel. You don't feel connected like a couple and some of the things she is doing are confusing to you. Why rub on me and act all lovey dovey then nothing behind closed doors in the bedroom
Then the guilt trip about masturbating. That's a control then.
Remember it could always be worse

Thanks mate. I appreciate it. I’m not very firm with her. She has anger issues and it often comes out when I try to talk to her. 6 years is a long time to throw a relationship away for sex. Your right though, it is a guilt trip, even her displaying emotions is a guilt trip.

 

[LoneMilf]

She met someone else because we weren’t fucking.

That's not usually the whole story.. there's always a reason you stopped having sex. If you don't understand what caused it, how can you expect it to change?

 

[justanormaldude87]

That's not usually the whole story.. there's always a reason you stopped having sex. If you don't understand what caused it, how can you expect it to change?

The reason is we both stopped putting out for each other. We both became comfortable. She’s become quite insecure, as have I. That’s the full story. It knocked my confidence when she left me to sleep with another man too.

 

[appalachianplay]

Thanks mate. I appreciate it. I’m not very firm with her. She has anger issues and it often comes out when I try to talk to her. 6 years is a long time to throw a relationship away for sex. Your right though, it is a guilt trip, even her displaying emotions is a guilt trip.

Can you expound upon what you mean by anger issues? Is she in therapy? Have you two seen a therapist together?

At the end of the day, only you know what you can live with. 10+ year relationship here. The last 3 without any kind of intimacy. That wasn't the reason I ended things. It was a symptom of a much larger issue.

 

[xxxCellar_Doorxxx]

Sounds like the relationship is over, just that neither of you is willing to acknowledge that. Move on so you can both be happy; otherwise, you'll both be miserable.

 

[justanormaldude87]

Can you expound upon what you mean by anger issues? Is she in therapy? Have you two seen a therapist together?

At the end of the day, only you know what you can live with. 10+ year relationship here. The last 3 without any kind of intimacy. That wasn't the reason I ended things. It was a symptom of a much larger issue.

Without going into too much detail for her sake it’s a mix of having a bipolar disorder and some trauma from her childhood. So, she can be quick to snap and her mood fluctuates minute by minute day by day. We both pay towards a mortgage so money is also a huge argument/issue since I only bring so much in. I own my own MOT service and she is a receptionist so we both work 9-5s. There is a lot to unpack there with general life stuff too. Now I’m thinking bringing the issue here may not have Ben the best idea thought maybe there’d be a few here going through similar issues with partners but apparently not.
The above user is probably right. We get along like best friends, argue like lovers but don’t make love. It’s a complex one for sure.

 

[appalachianplay]

Without going into too much detail for her sake it’s a mix of having a bipolar disorder and some trauma from her childhood. So, she can be quick to snap and her mood fluctuates minute by minute day by day. We both pay towards a mortgage so money is also a huge argument/issue since I only bring so much in. I own my own MOT service and she is a receptionist so we both work 9-5s. There is a lot to unpack there with general life stuff too. Now I’m thinking bringing the issue here may not have Ben the best idea thought maybe there’d be a few here going through similar issues with partners but apparently not.
The above user is probably right. We get along like best friends, argue like lovers but don’t make love. It’s a complex one for sure.

Very similar issue here actually. Mental health related and he was unwilling to get the help he needed. There is no positive outcome if both parties aren't willing to work on the issues.

I only asked about the anger issues to make sure you were safe. A habit of my career.

 

[justanormaldude87]

Very similar issue here actually. Mental health related and he was unwilling to get the help he needed. There is no positive outcome if both parties aren't willing to work on the issues.

I only asked about the anger issues to make sure you were safe. A habit of my career.

No I do really appreciate that thankyou my lovely. She has had therapy in the past, whilst together with me. But we have never gone to a therapist together, this is something ideally I could bring to her.

Agree that if both parties can’t work through the problem there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

What is it you do? Some kind of therapy I’m guessing?