My new story "his best friend". Enjoy.😘

[CheatingHot]

Hi everyone!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on my new cheating girlfriend story. Your feedback means a lot to me, especially constructive comments that can help me improve.
Thanks so much for reading and supporting my work.

Love,
Moni

https://www.literotica.com/s/his-best-friend-2

 

[DegenerateReader]

I read through this and then a few of your other stories. I saw your profile linked to a patreon that is roughly the same age at your literotica profile (about a month and a half) with multiple random stories/posts over a short period of time, so I was reading through them to see if they were generated via AI or some other kind of mass production. It doesn't seem to be, so maybe these are all stories you'd written previously. You have a similar style through them all, or at least the few I read.

Anyway, about the story, I kind of enjoyed it. I don't like the writing style you use, where every other sentence is on a new line. It almost feels like the story is being delivered in chunks via messenger.

I also don't like the use of tons of short chapters, especially when you use 3 or 4 to break up a single scene. They're kissing? A chapter. Now he's fingering her? A separate chapter. Moving onto sex? Next chapter. It makes the of the flow feel too quick and staccato. The use of lots of individual sentence paragraphs contributes to this. Overall it just made the story feel difficult to read? Sorry I don't have a better description than that.

The actual sex and the chemistry between the characters was enjoyable, once it got started. The writing of those areas flowed a little better, and the sex was reasonably hot. Some of the other sections, like training, read more like a script for a comic or some other visual medium.

I generally enjoyed the dialog, and it felt mostly realistic. There's a nice kind of casual lust around all the interactions between Cam and Naomi from once they actually start fucking to the end.

 

[CheatingHot]

I read through this and then a few of your other stories. I saw your profile linked to a patreon that is roughly the same age at your literotica profile (about a month and a half) with multiple random stories/posts over a short period of time, so I was reading through them to see if they were generated via AI or some other kind of mass production. It doesn't seem to be, so maybe these are all stories you'd written previously. You have a similar style through them all, or at least the few I read.

Anyway, about the story, I kind of enjoyed it. I don't like the writing style you use, where every other sentence is on a new line. It almost feels like the story is being delivered in chunks via messenger.

I also don't like the use of tons of short chapters, especially when you use 3 or 4 to break up a single scene. They're kissing? A chapter. Now he's fingering her? A separate chapter. Moving onto sex? Next chapter. It makes the of the flow feel too quick and staccato. The use of lots of individual sentence paragraphs contributes to this. Overall it just made the story feel difficult to read? Sorry I don't have a better description than that.

The actual sex and the chemistry between the characters was enjoyable, once it got started. The writing of those areas flowed a little better, and the sex was reasonably hot. Some of the other sections, like training, read more like a script for a comic or some other visual medium.

I generally enjoyed the dialog, and it felt mostly realistic. There's a nice kind of casual lust around all the interactions between Cam and Naomi from once they actually start fucking to the end.

Thank you for your helpful suggestions on how I can improve my writing. I’m glad you enjoyed the story overall.

 

[big_cane_sugar]

I'd agree that some of the lines and sentences were too short for my taste but that might be a stylistic thing you're playing with and if so just keep doing what you want. Since the characters say each other's names so much, I probably would have the narrator use pronouns a bit more often.

The story itself is obviously very good.