Stories sent back "Dialogue"

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Hmm, I'm not sure how this one should go can I get a little advice here?

Larry, her?

Or is Larry talking about someone else?

 

[FrancesScott]

Larry, her?

Or is Larry talking about someone else?

Larissa?

I have a Harriet FMC who prefers to use Harry.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Larry, her?

Or is Larry talking about someone else?

Larry is a girl, she was mistaken for a boy at birth and so named Lawrence Junior, and no she's not trans, she's not human.

It's similar to how some boys can be born without their balls having dropped and small penises, and instead of looking closer they're just declared girls, given girl names, and raised as girls until they hit puberty and they become more obviously male.

 

[Mastered_again]

"It's not punctuating dialogue properly," she muttered aloud, "it's writing creatively that constantly vexes me."

 

[FrancesScott]

If anyone is interested, I turned my original replies into an essay, How To… Punctuate Dialogue. @Laurel added her own example of a typical error at the end as well.

 

[TheLobster]

If anyone is interested, I turned my original replies into an essay, How To… Punctuate Dialogue. @Laurel added her own example of a typical error at the end as well.

Very nice. I think this covers everything you'd need for like 90% of stories here, and even things you should probably avoid (the long paragraphs of uninterrupted speech, of course). I would've included the em-dash shenanigans, since I often like my dialogue more dynamic, but it's definitely not needed for a 101 guide.

 

[PennyThompson]

If anyone is interested, I turned my original replies into an essay, How To… Punctuate Dialogue. @Laurel added her own example of a typical error at the end as well.

Oohh the vanishingly rare Green E

 

[FrancesScott]

Oohh the vanishingly rare Green E

When I saw that, I did a search (people apparently do that sometimes) and found a thread with you saying it was a big deal. I guess Laurel really cares about punctuation. Enough to expand my essay with her own points. I take the green E as being to do with the subject rather than my treatment of it.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

If anyone is interested, I turned my original replies into an essay, How To… Punctuate Dialogue. @Laurel added her own example of a typical error at the end as well.

I was going to suggest that you write a "How-To" on punctuation. Nice job.

 

[SimonDoom]

"It's not punctuating dialogue properly," she muttered aloud, "it's writing creatively that constantly vexes me."

I would put a period after "aloud" in this case, and capitalize "It's," because these are two independent clauses. I would use a comma if the second part of the dialogue started with a conjunction, but I can't think of the right conjunction to use there.

 

[FrancesScott]

I was going to suggest that you write a "How-To" on punctuation. Nice job.

Thank you. My assumption is that this has been done before, and probably better, but maybe freshness is a virtue.

 

[FrancesScott]

Thank you. My assumption is that this has been done before, and probably better, but maybe freshness is a virtue.

As per my horrible mistake in the essay, I now need to write a How To… Not Screw Up <em>…</em> Tags.

 

[SimonDoom]

Thank you. My assumption is that this has been done before, and probably better, but maybe freshness is a virtue.

There have been other essays here on dialogue, but this was concise and helpful. Good job. Obviously, Laurel was appreciative.

 

[StillStunned]

To @ElectricBlue and @SimonDoom about my use of "then:" to indicate a pause before introducing dialogue - if it's good enough for Dorothy Dunnett, it's good enough for me. (Although I admit I had to go and check before posting here.)

Obviously it depends very much on the style of the story, but when it works, it works.

 

[SimonDoom]

To @ElectricBlue and @SimonDoom about my use of "then:" to indicate a pause before introducing dialogue - if it's good enough for Dorothy Dunnett, it's good enough for me. (Although I admit I had to go and check before posting here.)

Obviously it depends very much on the style of the story, but when it works, it works.

These are just picky, subjective judgment calls.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I do then too much, then I have to go back and remove all of the thens, before I can then move on to the next sections.

 

[Mastered_again]

I would put a period after "aloud" in this case, and capitalize "It's," because these are two independent clauses. I would use a comma if the second part of the dialogue started with a conjunction, but I can't think of the right conjunction to use there.

Being the first is just a phrase, I went with the second comma. We could argue these all day, so I'll go with it. It's still clear on what's actually spoken.

 

[SimonDoom]

Being the first is just a phrase, I went with the second comma. We could argue these all day, so I'll go with it. It's still clear on what's actually spoken.

It's totally clear. That's not a problem at all. I think it's a judgment call that could go different ways.

But "It's not punctuating dialogue properly" is a clause, not a phrase. It could stand alone as a sentence.

 

[TheLobster]

It's totally clear. That's not a problem at all. I think it's a judgment call that could go different ways.

But "It's not punctuating dialogue properly" is a clause, not a phrase. It could stand alone as a sentence.

FWIW this is called “comma splice,” and apparently it’s perfectly fine in literary writing even if style guides turn up their formal noses at it.

 

[SimonDoom]

FWIW this is called “comma splice,” and apparently it’s perfectly fine in literary writing even if style guides turn up their formal noses at it.

I realize that. I'm not a big fan of the comma splice, but I think it's a judgment call and it works in some cases. I don't like seeing it overdone.

In this particular case, I think there's more punch if you make two separate sentences.

I'd get rid of "aloud" as well. "Muttered" means it's audible, if only barely, so there's no need for "aloud."

 

[TheLobster]

In this particular case, I think there's more punch if you make two separate sentences.

Interesting. I tried writing it this way and I found myself liking the original version more. It’s probably the contrast between the two clauses that makes it work, and the speech tag in between that gives reader a breather.

As you say though, it is indeed a matter of subjective taste. The Wikipedia article I linked includes amusing opinions on the matter such as ‘only use it if you’re famous’ or ‘it works when done knowingly by an established writer.’

In other words, one does not simply comma splice; you have to earn the privilege

 

[filthytrancendence]

In other words, one does not simply comma splice; you have to earn the privilege

I don't know what you're talking about, I never use a comma splice.

 

[XerXesXu]

I would put a period after "aloud" in this case, and capitalize "It's," because these are two independent clauses. I would use a comma if the second part of the dialogue started with a conjunction, but I can't think of the right conjunction to use there.

"It's not punctuating dialogue properly," she muttered aloud, "it's writing creatively that constantly vexes me."

= "It's not punctuating dialogue properly but writing creatively that constantly vexes me," she muttered.

Doesn't sound independent to me. 'It's' appears twice, but you've left a dangler, 'It's not punctuating dialogue properly.'

Would you have written:
"It's not punctuating dialogue properly. It's writing creatively that constantly vexes me," she muttered aloud.
?
You may have written:

"It's not punctuating dialogue that constantly vexes me. It's writing creatively."

Because the phrase "constantly vexes me'' is intended to qualify both "It's", I would use a semi-colon, thus:

"It's not punctuating dialogue that constantly vexes me; it's writing creatively."

 

[SimonDoom]

"It's not punctuating dialogue that constantly vexes me; it's writing creatively."

Yes. I think this is a valid way to do it, although one could also handle it as two separate sentences, with a period rather than a semicolon. But I'd get rid of "constantly" too.

The question is where one wants to put the dialogue tag. It depends on the context.

"It's not punctuating dialogue that vexes me," she said. "It's writing creatively."

That would be my preference, but it's subjective.

 

[Djmac1031]

DJ reads through the thread, enjoying all the very well thought out advice. He wonders what he could possibly contribute to the conversation that hasn't already been covered, and is about to move on when suddenly, it hits him:

Don't write long paragraphs describing characters telling each other things, or thinking an inner monolog, in the voice of the narrator. Like DJ is doing here.

Notice DJ hasn't actually said anything, the narrator is simply describing his thoughts. And that doesn't make for very good storytelling.

DJ decides to provide a hopefully helpful example:

Version 1:
Bob entered the room and immediately began to yell at Carol about how she was taking too long and would make them late to the company Christmas party.

Carol became irate and told Bob if it was such a big problem, he should just leave without her, because she didnt want to go anyway.

Version 2:
Bob stormed into the room. "Jesus, Carol, what's taking so long? We're gonna be late, and you know my boss frowns on that, even if it is just the annual Christmas party!"

Carol turned to Bob, her eyes cold, her voice even colder. "If you're that afraid of your boss that you cant even wait a few extra minutes for me, maybe you should just go alone. These parties bore me to tears anyway."

These may seem like obvious examples, but DJ recalls seeing quite a few stories that unfortunately followed the Version 1 style of storytelling to the detriment of the story.

DJ hopes this will help and will now stop referring to himself in 3rd person.